5/27/2004 08:40:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|I just got mine today - which is about time, honestly! XD I have been working with this place for quite some time now and every time someone hands me a business card, I get extremely embarassed. It's perfectly acceptable not to have one to return to that person when you just started a new job, but when you have been working at the same place for close to eight months and still no business card...well, it's just plain ole' embarassing. I know of some people who would love to see me turn red but this would get just ridiculous. Heh.
Anyway, a bunch of us got two boxes of business cards to distribute - gawd only knows how the hell do lecturers get rid of their business cards - and I reckon it will last me quite a while. I'm never for spreading out my business card to every Tom, Dick or Harry unless the occassion calls for it. Don't ask me what occassion. It just never arose - apart from those meetings with bigwips from Australia. ^_^
Just a business card...
On a random note, I hate it when my dad starts bugging me (after his happy hour thing), especially when I am doing stuff and in the middle of writing out things. I know he wants to talk and what-not - but this thing with Asian families just irks the hell out of me. Things are sometimes never as easy as it seems - "if you hate it so much, then why the hell won't you move out?" - and when I do explain why I can't, I often get this: "Those are just excuses." Nope. Very untrue.
NUMBER ONE MOST IMPORTANT REASON: FINANCES
Being financially unable to move out and live on my own isn't an excuse. If I were to do that, I need to set aside cash for a car - that means paying off a loan that cuts into my paycheck every month (at least RM600) for the next five to six years MINIMUM. The car comes with expenses of its own - petrol, parking, maintenance and insurance plus the annual road tax. I am already forking out RM1000 a month to pay for the house which I'm living in at the moment with my parents. And lets not get to the rent, bills and other things that I have to pay for.
I don't have a fucking money tree growing in my house. My pay isn't much. Lets cut to the chase - I earn RM2500 BEFORE TAX every month for my work at the college. It's peanuts compared to other countries and other companies but I'm not in it for the money. So I'm not even complaining about my salary. I'm not financially well-off and therefore the last thing that I want to do - to kick start my adult years - is to land myself into debt.
Not only do I have to take all that into consideration, I also have to consider saving up for my doctorate as well. So do not fucking attempt to tell me that me being financially unable to move out is an excuse. People who attempt to tell me that or say that to my face will incur this from me: "I DO NOT FUCKING CARE ABOUT YOUR OPINION because you obviously do not know me AT ALL for you to even say that."
The other reason as to why I have not moved out yet is because I am conditioned to adher to the age ole' Chinese concept of fillial piety, which unless you are Chinese, wouldn't understand at all. This is a minor reason - something which can be easily overcome. The one that takes the cake is the above of course. I'm not about to land myself into situations which will create problems for me, especially financial problems. Which is why I have yet to obtain a credit card (because I know for a fact that I will start spending more and credit cards here are in for cloning and theft). Which is why I have yet to commit myself to anything BIG.
I like to manage and plan my finances to the point where I feel confident and secure about it. So there is no way in hell that I would land myself into a questionable situation now. There was question of me buying a house recently - that meant me taking a loan of RM100K to finance the house. I turned it down. I could afford to take out the loan but it was risky. The house was located far away from work and if I were to live there, that meant buying a car and taking out another loan. Two loans to repay would eat A LOT into my salary - up to the point where I might not even have anything left for food and miscellenous stuff.
Trust me when I tell you that life is easy when you're young. No responsibilities, no big decisions to make, just nothing much...but the above reasons would not be an excuse for me to change my principle on certain things.
For example, I would not move in with anyone that I wasn't going to marry/registered to marry/engaged to - even if I was pressed financially for a route out. Someone once said that they would move in with their partners to cut back on rental costs - I somehow think that THAT is an excuse. I have done that and found it to be the wrong choice for couples who are dating and NOT FULLY COMMITTED to each other to the point of marriage. If you're going to get married in a few months time, go ahead and move in. If not - and if marriage isn't even going to be in the cards for a long time - FORGET ABOUT IT.
But this is a topic for another day. Right now, other matters call and I would like to enjoy whatever free days I have left. ^_^|W|P|108566162616487772|W|P|Business card...|W|Pfirstname.lastname@example.org/27/2004 05:23:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|It has been a long day at work today. Tonnes of people coming in to see me, asking questions left and right about the stuff that they are suppose to do and here am I sitting and going "Didn't you people learn anything during this past six months?" *sighs* And to think that this job actually makes me happy. While it does - really, it does! - it is during times like this that actually stresses me out. The paperwork, the stuff to grade, the reports to compile...damn am I looking forward to going off for my vacation in July!
And that is when I'm going to get yarn AND MORE YARN to do more knitting! I have a bunch of patterns to try out, not to mention another five more scarves to knit. Work hasn't been kind to my knitting. I haven't touched my knitting needles in days now and just after knitting one line, I got another person coming in to see me. *sighs*
The vacation just has to come SOON!
...on the side, there is a thunderstorm going on around here. I hate it when it rains that heavily here - the lightning, the thunder, ugh! While it is cooling and refreshing, it doesn't work for me in terms of creating a nice ambience. I prefer showers, soft gentle showers of raindrops - and me just curling up on a sofa and doing some reading. Something which I often do while I was in Australia, studying - during winter, me in my warm fuzzy socks...
They say that people who like thunderstorms are people who have noisy minds and souls - meaning they can't find peace or enjoy the wonders of a calm mind/soul. I wonder if that is true.
Hmm...I'll stop here for now. Will be back to add more. I so want to go home. Bleh. Am stuck here in the office while it pours like crazy outside. >|W|P|108565153031899402|W|P|Storms...|W|Pemail@example.com/26/2004 08:31:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|Today will be one of the few days I have left to be by myself, do the things that I like and just enjoy life as it is. Problem with me is that when my mind is idle, it starts wandering away to many differing thoughts - why certain things happen to me, why life is the way it is and how do I go about adapting and changing to these incidents. It is no different now that it is then.
The closure of my previous journal was due to some problem which in part was a mistake of mine. I should have cut things off cleanly many months ago. However, for a promise I made and for the sake of honour, I never did so. I allowed the wound to fester into a pain, a sore which should have never been there in the first place. Someone once told me a long time ago that cutting things off is hard. "If it were easy, everyone would be doing it. When you do cut off, you should cut off cleanly. No point staying together as other things when all it does is bring back memories of things that should have been, of the pain that had been." I should have listened to him then. In fact, I should have listened to many people instead of striving to stay true to my word. Staying together was causing me hurt. Lingering there was bringing me nothing but pain. I should have left ages ago.
"If you keep together more than you should, it will cause you more pain. It will take you longer to let go. And when you do let go, there will be this strong enduring pain that will take you longer to heal."
In more ways than one, today's happenings served one purpose - to help me discover that some things are better left unsaid, better left unexplained, better left ignored and better left alone. I explained myself today, stating that I had nothing to do with the previous incidents that occured and somehow instead of clarifying the matter on the other end, this person ended up sounding all - as someone put it to me - "arrogant" and well...as if it was my fault to begin with in the first place. It was after reading the words written by this person did I realize that nothing I say will ever be accepted at face-value, so I should stop trying. I should stop trying to fix things when the things itself do not want to be fixed. I should stop trying when the other person doesn't want to give a damn at all.
Psychology and human behaviour will always demand that I am the one at fault in this person's perspective and vice versa - him being at fault in my eyes. Human behaviour and ego will demand it that when one is guilty of something, one tries their best to shift blame to someone else. Life will demand it that when one is happy, those who are unhappy will try their best to trample on the happy one. It is the nature of man and it will always be the nature of man. The only way around it? There isn't. However there are ways to adapt to this.
(( DAMN! CSI is starting right now! >< )) Which reminds me...one of the keys to understanding people and tackling life's issues is in CSI. Somehow, I cannot stop myself from getting glued in front of the TV, from wanting to understand people and why they act the way they do - just as how Grissom goes around attempting to understand the world around him, attempting to find closure...in some ways (more than one sometimes), Grissom reminds me of myself and yet he doesn't. It is difficult to explain. ASSUME NOTHING...
I somehow am able to look back at things that have gone on today and not care as much as I would have yesterday and a few months back. Perhaps it is because part of me just stopped expecting anything different other than what has been happening on and on. Perhaps it is because part of me just started caring less. Whatever it is, it is high time to move on. I know I have said it many times over and over again. I know I have broken it down to "I am trying...it isn't easy"...and yet, in me, I can feel the difference only now. I suppose it is because I am finally beginning to let go of the things that I should have many months ago. It will come slowly, but at least it has come - for me.
Isn't it good to have realize things now than never realize them at all?|W|P|108557903776797018|W|P|Little bits of wisdom...|W|Pfirstname.lastname@example.org/26/2004 03:15:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|I got rid of the old ones. Don't even feel like talking about my problems with them. Lets just say that a lot of my online journals are now gone - completely erased, my account with this online forum (which I have been going to for over a year now) is gone...and frankly, I'm still reluctant to post here. *sighs* I'm hoping there will be a private function thing here but there doesn't seem to be any. So no comments anymore. I am not even going to tell people about this blog. As far as I'm concerned, I'm going to treat this as something exclusive.
I won't bring in old issues into this new place of mine. I won't even post pictures of myself. There will be no names, and the least amount of references to stuff that will be going on in my life. I am kinda getting tired of changing addresses and changing my blog simply because people misunderstand me, people jump to conclusions and people get all hissy. I will start this journal by stating what I am and what I am not:
I am not perfect.
I am a regular nerd - I'm into reading, knitting and writing.
I have issues with people and where I live.
I can't stand hypocritics.
I dwell on my problems in order for me to solve them.
I am overly sensitive.
I don't think I'm pretty, smart or sexy or 'holier than thou'.
I am too honest for my own good.
Words do hurt me, especially lies and unfounded criticisms.
I like to be me.
I suppose that is enough for now. I will write later...but when I feel like it I reckon. *sighs*