Since the beginning of humankind, man has came up with many diverse ways of obtaining food – an essential basic need – that determines the survival of a person. It started with the simple act of foraging and hunting done by small bands of individuals. Later, these small bands developed into communities, which required more food, and therefore, cultivation came into play. It is through cultivation that these communities consumed grains, meat and other agricultural produce. In order to keep up with the increasing population growth, the agriculture industry has turned to a science called genetics or genetic engineering. With the unravelling of the human genome map as its biggest breakthrough, genetic engineering has been at the forefront in food production since Mendel’s genetic tests on plants. It has been suggested by some countries, particularly the United States, that TRIPS will help prevent exploitation or piracy of intellectual property related goods, encourage competition particularly in the research field, and create a better marketplace for goods or services (Correa, 2000). Nevertheless, activists such as Greenpeace and non-governmental groups like Organic Farming argue that patenting life forms such as plants and animals (or individual parts of DNA) is a form of privatisation and market monopoly. Greenpeace argues that patenting has allowed huge corporations from industrialised countries to control and exploit farmers, breeders, scientists and doctors. To date, five corporations - Astra-Zeneca, DuPont, Monsanto, Novartis and Aventis - controls 100 percent of the market in "transgenic seeds", 60 percent of the pesticide market and 23 percent of the commercial seed market (RAFI in Greenpeace, 2003). So how does patenting and control of the global food market by these corporations affect small-time farmers and developing countries who do not have the technology or knowledge to create their own transgenic seeds? Patenting has created a technological divide that separates small farming groups and big corporations. Many anti-patenting activists argue that this is a form of technological feudalism as intellectual property laws often allows its patent holders to guard, share their patents for a price and make those who violate such laws pay for their 'crimes'. Monsanto’s technology use agreement (TUA) contract utilises intellectual property to exercise its rights, somewhat like a feudal lord exercising power over his serfdom. The contract specifies that "farmers do not own seeds, they just grow it under contract, and have to deliver all the grain in accordance with Monsanto’s wishes. A farmer cannot keep any seed to re-plant next season, and cannot sell any to neighbours. Monsanto is allowed to come and inspect subsequent crops to ensure the farmer isn’t growing any illicit Monsanto seed" (McHughen, 2000). Farmers who do not comply by these conditions face lawsuits over violations of their TUAs. This form of serfdom does not revolve around just Monsanto’s customers; it has gone beyond that now. Corporations like Monsanto have taken neighbouring non-GM farmers to court under charges of violation of patent rights. This form of feudalism has also lead to the formation of social issues amongst farming communities whereby it is the industrialization of the farm versus the people of the farm; the cooperative versus the corporation. When patenting creates a feudal system in agriculture areas where the feudal lords are corporations like Monsanto, farmers have two options: be part of the system or be an outcast. The social relationships between these farmers have also changed as GM farming moves on further to divide farmers into certain groups. Farmers were part of a social equation which either involved relatives or individuals partaking in the same ritual. These farmers move on later to form cooperatives where networking and social bonding are strong components of these small communities. In countries like Thailand, India and Malaysia where rice growing has been part of the formation of communities, farmers interact with neighbours, and relatives on the land during farming, processing and even distribution. Other implications revolving around patenting and GM foods are the creation of monocultures – agriculture that is all about around one single product being grown in vast amounts of land. Therefore this has lead to a change in the farming cultures for many communities in developing countries, which once relied heavily on diverse farming or subsistence farming. Farming communities who have been traditional immersed in subsistence or diverse farming have been 'brainwashed' into the 'world hunger' propaganda pushed by corporations. Ethiopian ecologist Dr Tewolde Egziabher has this to say when questioned about the legitimacy of GM foods' fight against world hunger: "Famine in developing countries is mainly the result of unfair distribution. Today, the world is producing more food than ever before - but there are still more people starving than ever before as well. Producing even more food doesn't automatically mean that the poor will benefit. They simply haven't got the money to buy it. And genetic engineering isn't going to change that" (Greenpeace, 2003). While genetically modified foods may be taunted as the solution to world hunger and poverty, it seems to have done more harm to farming communities with age-old social structures, cultures and practices. While patents have brought many riches to corporations like Monsanto and its researchers, its has robbed indigenous and small farming communities of their traditional livelihoods based on wild flora and fauna – something the Andean indigenous community can relate to. It can be concluded that patenting and biotechnology has a profound effect on the agriculture industry, especially on grass-root levels. This encompasses social, cultural and economic effects that are hidden behind propagandas promoted by large corporations. One quote comes to mind when concluding this essay: When giant corporations view small peasants and bees as thieves, and through trade rules and new technologies seek the right to exterminate them, humanity has reached a dangerous threshold (Shiva in Roddick, 2001). Indeed.

6/27/2004 10:57:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|I made some changes to this blog, coz it's growing and well...growth is good and change is inevitable as well. But first of all... Many thanks to The Silencer and Ash.Ox for helping me out with the coding and tweaking. Might need to bug you guys again. *laughs* Change number 1: No more Shoutbox. Sorry guys. It's affecting loading time (not to mention the space it takes up along the sidebar) and I thought it would be better if people could leave their thoughts on the comments instead. Change number 2: New comments provider - Haloscan. Your old comments are still around, just hidden. So don't fret alright? Just continue leaving your rambles and I'll continue replying. AND PLEASE PLEASE let me know who you are. ^_^ Change number 3: The links have been arranged in a way that you can toggle it on and off. Helps save space since the numbers have been growing and I've been linking more and more people. Just click on each header and a list will pop up (or is it down?). LOL. Change number 4: If you go right to the bottom, you'll see copyright information and lookie here: MY EMAIL! ^_^ Now, take care not to spam this email account. Coz if you do, you'll pay for it...with your blood...I'll stab the men in the crotch with my knitting needles and the women? You don't wanna know. ^_^ More changes coming up over the next few days...hopefully, since I'll be busy with grading papers. Ahhh...such is the life of an educator. Bah.|W|P|108834857841122092|W|P|Changes.|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/27/2004 04:48:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|I know I know. This is old. I'll make a new one when I have the time. New stuff are in italics, btw. ^_^ Date: May 17th 2003 I got inspired from a couple of bloggers to start off a page just about myself. Well, I wasn't too sure what exactly I would put it in...but judging from the amount of thought that I am going through right now, it might just take a few days! *wink* The First Few Basic Stuff 1) I am twenty three. 2) I am a Malaysian. I grew up in Selangor and lived in Petaling Jaya, Selangor until June 2002 when I moved to Sydney, Australia for education purposes. 3) I am currently a postgraduate student with Macquarie University here in Sydney. As of July this year, I will be finishing my one year Masters of Arts in International Communication. 4) My birthday is 15th October 1979. What I want for pressies? I honestly appreciate anything nice. 5) I am rather pro-active individual with a head filled with radical (in some manner, that is) ideas surrounding politics, business, economics and people. 6) I work with The Body Shop Australia and one of my idols is the founder of my company, Anita Roddick. I just love the way she thinks about the world, particular the economics of it all. 7) I want to write for a living one day. 8) I suffer from manic depression which ocassionally leads to depression. 9) I can read up to four books a night (from 7pm to 1pm) and I am a fast reader. 10) I have set life goals to achieve before I hit my 30s and so far, I knocked one off the list. The more interesting and silly things about myself... 11) I am not a fan of chocolate. Just don't quite like that stuff. 12) I am short - standing at about 154cm (that equals up to approximately 5' 1.5" . 13) I was born at 5:30 am - after attending my uncle's wedding the night before and therefore, eating my fill (before deciding I should grace the world with my presence). 14) I went to a semi-private Catholic based non co-ed school after finishing primary school in a boy-girl environment. 15) In secondary school (the equivalent of high school in Malaysia), I was the last to know anything and everything in my group of friends. 16) I have always been surrounded by men/boys/guys - my best friends (except in secondary school) were all guys. 17) My first relationship lasted for three months and that was when I was twenty. 18) I am currently into my third relationship and today is my first year anniversary. Note: it's also my mother's birthday. That relationship is now defunct! >< Ended it on January 3, 2004. *sighs* 19) All the women in my family (my grandma, mother, aunt and some of my cousins) are older than their hubbies. Me? I am older than my boyfriend by about three months. 20) I had the worse nicknames when I was in primary school: Marble, Table, Saddle, Maple...it goes on and on. 21) I had a corective heart surgery in 1997 to fix a hole in the heart, which I had since I was a baby. The medical term for my former problem: Ventricular Septal Defect (VSD). 22) I do not smoke, gamble, or do drugs. My only vice? Wine...I love red wine and sparkling wine (otherwise known as bubblies). 23) At one point in time, I had six dogs running about in my house - one adult, five puppies. 24) I am prone to having dreams that are cryptic, funny and downright silly - and I always remember them (note: except when I am stressed or busy that morning, then I'll forget about the dreams). 25) My nightmares are always the same and I get them when I'm really sick. I always dream that I'm chased by giant Panadol like pills and running about through a maze trying to avoid them. 26) I used to dream about unicorns for several months when I was a child. 27) I only started driving on Malaysian roads a year after receiving my drivers' license. 28) I collect stamps but of lately, I haven't been cataloguing them or organizing them. 29) I taught myself how to play the guitar - but I'm no pro - just know enough to make myself happy. 30) I stopped studying piano at Grade 3 but I have been practising on my own ever since - I can play stuff that I have been hearing or practising for a while quite well. 31) I am one of the few Malaysian girls living in the city that know how to cook traditional Chinese delicacies like kueh kapit (loveletters) and bak chang (Chinese sticky rice dumplings). 32) I love cooking. If there is one business that I would do, it would be about food! 33) I love wearing boots and strappy heels - makes my calves look slimmer and longer. 34) I have an extremely muscled/toned lower body, so much so that when I clenched my legs, my dad says that my calves are like kayu (wood). 35) I speaking fluent English, not too bad Malay, some Hokkien and Cantonese. 36) I picked up Cantonese by watching Hong Kong movies and series as well as listening to Canton pop. 37) I have thick earlobes and have had a couple of accidents with piercings. The first was when I was five - the guy had to pierce each earlobe twice to fit the stud in. I developed an infection on both ears and the hole closed. The second was when I was 17. The 'gun' (they use a nailgun like thing to pierce your earlobes). The piercing didn't go through for my left earlobe, so they had to do it twice. I nearly killed the guy doing it. 38) I am contemplating on getting a unicorn tattoo on my right hip. 39) I am crazy about earings - if I were to choose between buying rings or earings, I would definitely go for the later. 40) I love photography and it is self-taught as well. 41) I own a old manual Olympus SLR camera - the one where you have to crank up to wind the film. It's a good camera! 42) I consider myelf blind without my glasses and I hate wearing contact lenses in Australia - it's too dry. 43) I look better in real life than I do in pictures but that depends on who took the picture. Grin! 44) I love Italian food (which is surprising for an Asian). My favourites? Pizza with loads of mozarella cheese and pasta with seafood. 45) Favourite part of my face? My eyes and lips. Pity I wear glasses. 46) My father was formerly attached to the Royal Malaysian Air Force. 47) Both my parents have worked even before I was born. I like that - teaches me and my brother some form of independence. 48) I love cold weather - winter/autumn/spring in Australia is gorgeous. 49) I recently had considered becoming a vegetarian after watching a documentary on genetic engineering on farm animals in UK. 50) I am horrible at keeping in touch with people. Since I have moved out of Malaysia, I have been sending mass emails to everyone save my best friend (and family), whom I'm beginning to write to quite regularly. 51) My favourite movies to date are 'Ever After' and 'While You Were Sleeping'. This one has changed. Bleh. 52) I consider myself a Christian but am not a really religious person. I only talk about religion in debates about it. 53) I love studying about religon, culture, mythology, media and history...or at least those that surround the aspects of sociology and politics. 54) I intend to teach when I return to Malaysia. Subject of preference? Media and cultural studies. 55) I am horrible at sporting activities. The only thing I'm good at is badminton and going to the gym. Other than that, I suck ass. 56) I have too many favourite singers - at the moment, I'm into Aussie singers like Delta Goodrem and oldies like Kenny Rogers, Frank Sinatra and etc. 57) At one point in time, I was into classical music like Debussey. Listening to his music helps me write my papers for uni. 58) I love going to theaters to watch musicals and dramas - something I cultivated in college. Unfortunately Malaysia isn't really the place to watch all these. What have I seen on stage? Dangerous Liasions, Merchant of Venice, some compilation of Broadway performances and Chang & Eng. 59) I would love to see something at the Sydney Opera House - and dress up to the nines for it as well. 60) The longest movie I have ever seen so far is Pride and Prejudice. The BBC production. I love it and intend to get the DVD for it. 61) I have been trying to finish off Stephen King's books. Got into it after my housemate started this horror DVD-watching marathon. First Stephen King book? Carrie. I'm trying to get my hands on others. 62) At the moment, I'm trying to finish up on The Complete Works of Jane Austen - I started with Pride and Prejudice and I'm now at Sense & Sensibility. Working doesn't give me much time to read though. 63) I hope to get wealthy enough to be able to afford a lovely country house with a couple of horses and loads of acerage. Grin! Where? Maybe Tasmania or Adelaide. 64) I would love to reside in Australia sometime in the near future - I'm in love with this country. 65) I love naming my pets 'interesting' names like Basil, Aria, Desibel and Flame (Flame was the name I got for my Siamese fighting fish). 66) I am thinking of getting a Golden Retriever pup and naming him Basil. If I get a female, I'm gonna name her Aria - after my guinea pig. 67) I have been travelling through Malaysia since I was a kid - only state I haven't covered in Sabah. Countries include Taiwan, Australia, Singapore, Thailand and so to be added - New Zealand. 68) Countries to visit in the near future - UK, Scotland, Greece, France, Italy, Austria, Russia, Spain, Turkey, Egypt, Japan and maybe Mexico. It's an everchanging list. 69) Languages to study when I return home to Malaysia - French/Italian/Mandarin/Japanese. 70) I am prone to cleaning mood swings - when I'm really in the mood, I can clean out my room till it's look like one of those hotel rooms. If I'm not in the mood, forget about it. 71) The few insects I fear are squiggily little things that look like worms and cockroaches. 72) I developed an allergy towards seafood (especially calamari and squid) February last year. Since then I have been watching my intake. It only surges when I eat too much seafood. Bummer! 73) My favourite perfumes to date are by Revlon (Ice And Cool) and The Body Shop (Indian Gardenia). 74) Favourite flowers are irises, roses and jonquills. 75) Favourite spot in my room has always got to be my bed - soft, comfy and homey. Quilts are very important and so are plushy pillows! |W|P|108832634567630318|W|P|75 Things About Me (2003)|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/27/2004 09:30:00 PM|W|P| Embiggened!|W|P|Hi there. Thanks for coming by me blog. Say, if you need help with the haloscan or what not, shoot me an email (lordashe@gmail.com) or drop a comment there. Will be pleased to assist.

Cheers!6/27/2004 09:43:00 PM|W|P| Mabel|W|P|No problem...and I should thank you first. ^_^6/27/2004 11:35:00 AM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|Today, I was some time reflecting upon myself...in church. It is always one of the few places where I am able to find peace within myself despite the crowds. Perhaps it is the music, perhaps it is the perception that God is listening to me, or perhaps it is just the way I am. Being a Christian for the better half of my entire 25 years, I have somewhat lost sight of the faith that I once believed in so deeply and wholely. I wouldn't pin the blame on anyone...but just myself. I was so caught up in other people and caring for others until I have lost sight of my own worth and how to measure it. I lost the ability to find calmness in the midst of the storm... I lost the ability to find solace in the midst of crowds. I lost the ability to love in the midst of hatred and pain. I spent the past two years measuring myself against other people and against what they thought of me. What mattered was not how God thought of me or what I thought of myself but what THEY thought. If they didn't like me, I felt miserable, I felt frustrated. If they did, I wondered if it was because of my personality, looks or was it something I did. Such is the price of placing your self worth in the hands of others. NO WONDER I AM MISERABLE AND FRUSTRATED! Today, I realized that what truly mattered wasn't what people thought of me - every person out there, in fact, IS just like me (insecure, frustrated and miserable)...but more importantly, what God thought of me and what He knew of me. I'm going to get uber religious in this entry, but it's important in order to understand what I'm babbling about. The Christian faith isn't just about salvation and grace; it is about building a positive intimate relationship with God. And this relationship is far different from the ones with we have with our parents, friends or loved ones. It is perfection - for here you have the Perfect One with His perfect love loving the imperfect one who is striving as hard as he/she can to reach perfection. It doesn't stop with just loving and changing, but it continues with accepting, forgiving and understanding. God was the one who made me who I am today - with all my flaws, imperfections, strengths and talents. And He is the one who understands me the best, even better than myself. All my gifts, all my knowledge, my heart, my character...and best of all, He loved me and blessed me even though I left Him. It was destined for me to become a teacher, a lecturer but did I ever see it? Before, I never realized that this was the path for me until last year when I was graduating from my Masters. I wanted to become a writer - filled with dreams of owning a laptop and writing day in and day out. I did - found a job as a writer - and somehow I felt it wrong. Something wasn't right...something wasn't...perfect. These days, I just write in my blog and it feels good, good enough for me. Just little stories of my life and nothing more. It was destined for me to go through an open heart surgery but did I ever see it? Before, I never realized that without that heart surgery, I would have taken a very different path from the one I walk now. I would have made different friends, I would have touched and been touched by different lives...and more importantly, I would have been different. Instead I ranted and raved about the injustice God did to my body for three years. I wept for the scar that I have to bear for the rest of my life without realizing that the scar was in fact a testimony of a test which I had passed with flying colours. It was destined for me to love this hard and break this hard but did I ever see it? Before, I thought if I was ever in love, I would love forever and everything would be perfect. But it wasn't so. I would never have realized that with love comes sacrifices and with sacrifices come heartache and pain. It made me stronger. It made me hopeful. It made me value love AND myself even more. But did I see that? Nope. Instead I wondered if there was something wrong with me. Instead I questioned the one person who bestowed this most remarkable of gifts upon me - "Why me?" I asked. Because I feel. Because I have a good heart. Because I am sensitive towards others. Because I WANT TO LOVE. I have been measuring myself against the human standard of beauty, of love, of desirability, of perfection. I think it's time I measure myself against God's standard of beauty, love, desirability and perfection...and you know what? He doesn't care if I have a 29 inch waist. He doesn't care that my face is round. He doesn't care that I'm not a raving beauty. He doesn't care that I sometimes feel insecure. He doesn't care that I am not a virgin anymore. He doesn't care that I have drifted apart from him. He doesn't care that I have a broken heart with so many scars. He doesn't care that I have carried with me broken dreams and hopes. He doesn't care that I have cried a gazillion tears and questions his judgement and direction for me. As a matter of fact, He *still* thinks I'm perfect. He *still* thinks I'm beautiful. And He *still* thinks I'm worth loving. "The man who will have you one day as a wife is and will be the best for you. Be patient, daughter and learn to find perfection in the imperfect. In the mean time, you have Me by your side, loving and understanding you for who you truly are. You are worthy to be be my child." It's time to let go of man's perception of me.|W|P|108830913526656295|W|P|Reflection and renewal of faith...|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/27/2004 12:14:00 PM|W|P| Kamigoroshi|W|P|That's right.

The only perception you should have is the one you have on yourself. Confidance in what you can or cannot do. Who you are and not. That's what people will eventually see. It's not the easier road...nor is it the shortest.

But its a road that will give you the things you need and want.6/27/2004 01:58:00 PM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|this is Dizzy, fairy. It may sound odd coming from me,... but, Go With God. Luv ya.6/27/2004 02:52:00 PM|W|P| Mabel|W|P|*tackle hugs Kami and Dizzy* I wuvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv you guys! :)6/26/2004 10:00:00 AM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|First of all, no hangover! Best sleep and...I had the weirdest dream ever - of modern day princes, romances and guess what? It was in the same building where I have some of my dreams in - shopping mall, food court, ballroom, hotel rooms and killer elevators (that go up to 1000-over falls) rolled into one. It's a uber huge building. Anyway, I was on my way for a function and I was late. >< This building is a bad idea - because they have soooo many rooms that it takes like ages to get from one end to the other if you're lost. I parked the car on a nice little spot, hurried in one exit and went "HOLY CRAP! THIS ISN'T THE END THAT I WANTED TO GO TO." I passed ballroom after ballroom and I got the same reply from each 'guard' - "Wrong room, ma'am. Y'need to go down the hall somemore." - *palms her forehead* And walk I did. Past a Malay wedding, a Chinese wedding, a corporate function, an Indian wedding, a Christian wedding - holy shit, what is going on, the moon decided to make people marry today or what? - and walk on until I came to a long flight of stairs. Here was where I became like Spidey and Van Helsing (where he was a werewolf) rolled into one. Instead of taking the stairs like a normal human being, I jumped the flight of stairs, lifted up my palazzo pants and took the rails and skidded down....and promptly halted in front of a fucking royalty ceremony...and in front of the most gorgeous Malay prince I had ever seen - chiseled jaw, clean-shaved, slim but well built - Asian Tom Cruise if ever there was one. *melts* The bodyguards shrieked at me and all hell broke loose. I ran, with Prince Azlan staring after me and his men chasing the shit out of me. And before I knew it, I was dodging daggers. Got cornered and that was when he appeared from the crowd and asked me to be his date! O_O! HELLO! I'm late for my function!!!! ;_; Oh holy hell. Despite me struggling and saying no NO NO a couple of gazillion times, I got ushered into this Balinese like changing room with Prince Azlan looking on with this "I'm in love" look on his face. There was this gay-ish hairstylist staring at me and another dame (I presume she works on clothes coz she had a couple of dresses draped across her arms) but the hairstyle suddenly attacked me. Before I knew it, he was was snipping off my tresses and whistling happily and I was like "leave my hair alone...." and when he was done, I gasped at the horror reflected back at me. My hair was short, boy-cut short. Gone were my long wavy locks. I screamed, threw hell in that changing room and also the hairstylist out the window. Princey came and I started launching a tirade at him. "Who the hell are you? Why do you want me? Look at what he did to my hair! Fucking prick. I spent TWO YEARS, TWO YEARS growing my hair from this length to the length it was before he butchered it...." and I went on and on. Before I know it, he takes me in his arms and promptly kisses me. *blink blink* "Ain, get her dressed and help her with her hair. Btw, pixie, you look cute." And with that, he smooched me and left me staring after him. By the way, his ass is YUMMMMEHHHH! *turns red* I set about getting dressed and while doing so, I knew he was waiting outside. I could hear him talking to his bodyguards. I can't remember if part of me was thinking of escaping or if part of me wanted to revel in his attention. I settled for the latter towards the end of the change. When I was finally done, I appeared with pixie-like hair (heh!), and in a nice little soft golden blouse and palazzo black pants. He beamed at me and took my hand and guided me... Suddenly we weren't in a building anymore but in a garden, fresh with the smell of jasmine and roses. Hmm...they say that when you smell jasmine, it means that there is a ghost in the room. Didn't even feel cold last night. Quite the opposite actually... And I can't remember anymore. I woke up feeling rather good...and strangely, still horny. Bah. Got a booty call this morning from someone else. Giving it some thought now. LOL. We'll see how things go. ^___^ |W|P|108821738060398346|W|P|Of royal princes and dreams...|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/26/2004 12:19:00 PM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|HAHAHAAH...good dream, as long it make u horny when u woke up, then it must be really really good dream...kekeke.....

keith6/26/2004 12:29:00 PM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|hehe .. you've got a whole load of guts posting up stuff like you do. quite cool really :) i wish i could remember my dreams anyway :/ i normally forget them when i wake up ... :(

oh .. and some shameless advertising on my behalf :)

http://jerm-the-germ.blogdrive.com
Jeremy6/26/2004 02:02:00 PM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|this prooves my theory: when u're horny, u will dream weird stuff :) myahahah

have fun with the booty caller :)

fiz6/25/2004 10:16:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|This one is for you...I should have played this to you when we broke up. I'm sorry I never did. I wish I had picked a better day instead of January 3rd, but I had to. And I'm letting go tonight of you. I will still be around, if you need me but other than that, I'll be invisible. Goodbye and all the best. I'll Say Goodbye For The Two of Us by Expose When you wake up And find me gone tomorrow Don’t think I meant to hurt you I just did what we knew I had to do. And all the time we knew The time was never right for us Time to leave this love behind I could never leave you Baby if I see you cry I’ll say good bye for the two of us Tonight while you sleep I’ll kiss you softly one last time And say good-bye Like I know we must There’s just no other way And I couldn’t bear to see your heart break So I´ll wait till your asleep to say good-bye Please realize How hard it is to do this I’m trying to make it through this Say good-bye just as gently as I can. Please try and understand This time just wasn’t the time for us We knew I couldn’t stay But that don’t make it easier to leave you So while I can find the strength. I’ll say good bye for the two of us Tonight while you sleep I’ll kiss you softly one last time And say good-bye Before your arms embrace me Before your kisses take me Before your eyes can make me stay I’ll say good bye for the two of us Tonight while you sleep I’ll kiss you softly one last time And say good-bye Like I know we must I´ll wait till you’re asleep To say good-bye for the two of us Tonight while you sleep I´ll kiss you softly one last time And say good-bye Like I know we must There’s just no other way And I couldn’t bear to see your heart break So I´ll wait till your asleep to say good-bye When you wake up And find me gone tomorrow Don’t think I meant to hurt you Good bye |W|P|108817311736995338|W|P|Goodbye Raymond...|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/25/2004 10:38:00 PM|W|P| Embiggened!|W|P|One of those days, innit?

Well, wish you the best. I see you've certainly awakened some keen attention among the readers, and that's always good. Can't say much about exes and needing to get laid (God knows I spent half of last year harping on these things) but yeah..

good luck.6/25/2004 10:40:00 PM|W|P| Mabel|W|P|I'm drunk mah...and glad to know that the readers are wide awake. LOL. Now if only my students were like that HALF of the time. *giggles*6/25/2004 10:41:00 PM|W|P| Mabel|W|P|This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.6/25/2004 10:48:00 PM|W|P| Embiggened!|W|P|Hmmph. I wish the same of mine, and you KNOW how students can get.

On another note, when you're teaching in a public uni you miss out on ALL the interesting students other people get to see.

Bah. Say, got some wine to spare?6/25/2004 11:59:00 PM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|drunk or no drunk, you deserve it.

after all those horny + emotional talk

;)
fiz6/26/2004 12:09:00 AM|W|P| Mabel|W|P|Ash,

Nope. Teaching in the private sector but I still get 'shitty' students. *offers some spare wine*

Fiz,

Superbly drunk and ranting about the ex to Silencer. LOL!6/26/2004 12:52:00 AM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|Wow, that was really touching...yeah it is bad when we have to broke off with someone we love/like... i still have hard time letting go....so sad.....

keith6/26/2004 12:52:00 AM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.6/26/2004 12:55:00 AM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|wow, this is really sad and touching... i just hate it, i mean breaking off with somebody we like/love...sad, it is like, we knew it wont work out, but still we lie to ourself that it could but in the end, all just end up even more hurt....so sad...

keith6/26/2004 12:56:00 AM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.6/26/2004 03:13:00 AM|W|P| Kamigoroshi|W|P|Nothing left to do but for what you can do for yourself.
Nowhere left to go but straight ahead.

Always straight ahead and never look back.6/23/2004 09:18:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|Now what's this about giving me a free Nike backpack? Nothing apart from the fact that I so do not support any clothing store that goes for sweatshop labour. *palms forehead* So, okay...that's my fault and not the credit card company's. Bah. Here's the story: I applied for a Citibank credit card online - and I didn't take note of the promotions that they have. Did some research, asked around and compared it with a lot of other companies before deciding to go for this one. Never mind the fact that it looked kinda cool as well. ^_~ I choose the Clear Card - black and transculent in some areas. They sent it over to the house but since I wasn't around, the courier people left a card for me to go pick it up down in Brickfields. When I got it, I was pretty surprised to see another huge parcel together with the envelope containing my card. The people at the courier made no qualms about it. They even casually mentioned that it was from the credit card company. I suppose they must have seen tonnes of the same kind of stuff passing through their doors all the time. When I unpacked everything, I realized that they had given me a Nike backpack. Now hear ye, hear ye...I don't support Nike, or Reebok, or Gap, or anything which I consciously know uses sweatshop labour to produce goods. Heck, I don't even consume McDonalds or Coke. So immediately after receiving it, I chucked the backpack right on the top of my cupboards and there it's gonna stay - I have no idea until when though. There is no way in hell that I'm going to use something that costs some child 16 good hours in a stuffy battery-like factory and only US$15 a week to produce. There is no way in hell that I am going to buy anything that is going to contribute US$50,000 a week to some top CEO when that same child can't even earn enough to buy a Nike shoelace. According to Kernaghan's article (which can be found in Anita Roddick's Take It Personally book), in 1991, Indonesian workers were paid US$0.45 cents per day. "Today, their inflation-adjusted wages are little better and mean that their living standards often remain wretched as they were a decade ago." It's not that Nike can't afford to pay these people a DECENT wage - hell, for the past ten years, Nike has tripled its annual revenue from $3 billion in 1991 to $9 billion in 2000. The CEO alone got paid $3.2 million in cash last year...making him one of the richest men in the world. Nike even issued a statement in 1998 promising to improve conditions for the 500,000 employess of their contractors. But where are those promises now? Why don't I just close my eyes and continue on my merry purchasing way? Because when I think about it, I am condemning fellow human beings and workers to a fate that I strive to avoid - exploitation and injustice. I sure as hell will kick up a fuss if my workplace is horrible, if my boss pays me peanuts and overworks me...I will write letters, I will complain and I expect people to understand and sympthasize with me - if not do something at least. But half of the time, the people who work in these kind of conditions are illerate, poor and desperate - unable to fight for their own rights. Isn't it then up to us to assist in whatever way that we can? Isn't it right and just of us to stand up for rights, rights that will on day affect us as well? Once upon a time, I used to not care. I used to buy clothes that were stained with the blood and sweat of exploited people and children, I used to eat food that came from the exploitation of farmers and the Earth itself...I used to not care. What changed was this: I had a heart. I saw how these people were being exploited and suffering just for my comfort and my pleasure. How fair is it? Here I sit on my comfy chair and in front of the computer, using the Internet when somewhere halfway across the globe, a child is busy toiling away in some stuffy factory. She'll never be able to see what a computer looks like, go on the Internet and blog...hell, she would probably not even have the chance to use a telephone much or less the Internet. What right did I have to demand the childhood from someone else just to fulfill my own pleasure and purpose in life? Aren't people tired of being greedy at the expense of other people's lives? Aren't people tired of being heartless? Aren't people tired of seeing the misery of others reflected back into their faces? People sometimes ask me what difference can I make as one person. And you know what I tell them? "The only one that counts - my conscience." Here are the reasons as to why I try as much as possible not to consume or buy the above items (in my blog header) UNLESS I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO (which hasn't arose - thankgawd!):

• Nike - When I was young (and ignorant ^_^), I wanted to have a pair of Nike shoes. The latest, the better. Now? It's the last thing I want. I have nothing against this company. I admire the innovation of attire and sporting fashion...but I don't admire the methods used to achieve such excellence. "Nike claimed in one press release that the wage of the average Nike factory worker in Asia was double the minimum required, but a leaked 1996 Ernst & Young audit showed that the average wage was $45 per month, just $5 more than the legal minimum. In a letter to The New York Times, Knight claimed that Nike "provides free meals, housing and health care" to factory workers in Vietnam; in reality, a Vietnamese labor watchdog who examined Nike workers' pay stubs discovered that Nike was actually deducting money from its factory workers' pay for meals." Need I go on? How about this then? Nike's campaign for a change of image - I doubt it has really worked. I mean come on, how do you expect to change an image of a company that vehemently denies using sweatshop labour BUT STILL DOES? Use their stuff? Buy their stuff? No thanks, I'll stick to my good old fashion locally made shoes and shorts. I hate to think that my shoes and shorts (plus shirts) are made and stained with the blood of people who deserve better in this lifetime and the next.
• Coke - I used to be a great fan of Vanilla Coke. For three months, I bought 1.25L of the stuff and kept it in my fridge - I had it for dinner every day for three months, until I came across this article which made me sputter my Vanilla Coke all over the monitor. Well, it wasn't that bad a reaction but it was enough to cause me to see the injustice of it all floating around in my drink. Enough to make me quit drinking the stuff. Come July, it would be a year since I last touched anything that remotely resembled Coke (not even Pepsi, btw). Coca Cola parched the lives of the villagers who were dependent on the underground water source for drinking and washing (not to mention bathing and etc - the things we take for granted whenever we use water) and then turned around and charge the same villagers for water. The water source which these villagers are dependent on are now unsuitable for even bathing, let alone irrigate crops. "Water samples tested from the area's aquifer show the water is extremely hard, and thick with excess salt, calcium and magnesium, indicating that the limestone that lines the aquifers is being degraded by over-use...The meager amounts of water that can still be extracted from the indigenous peoples' wells are unfit for irrigating their fields, let alone for bathing or drinking. Those who drink it or bathe in it have reported stomach illnesses and skin rashes. Their crops no longer grow; they have to travel dozens of kilometers before dawn to outlying villages to gather as much clean water as they can haul back home, before leaving for work, some of them at the Coca-Cola plant that has caused the local disaster. And to add insult to injury, sometimes they are forced to buy bottled water from Coca-Cola." (Alternet) How fair and right is that? Also this: do you know that for every bottle of Coke that you consume, three bottles of water are lost in the production process? The by-product, which Coca Cola claimed was good as fertilizer (that came from producing that sugary stuff), was so foul-smelling and toxic that crops actually withered. And you expect me to drink this, knowing fully well that with every sip that I take, I'm condemning innocent people to a wretched life which I am striving to never experience? NO WAY IN HELL!
• McDonalds - I can't believe that when I was six, McDonalds use to pay me to run around in their advertisements pretending to be happy. Heh. Lunch was usually burger and fries PLUS A COKE. >< Well, the only consolation I have is that I was young then and I was unaware of the world around me. So I carried on the McDonalds habit...until my postgraduate year in Sydney where I did a paper on GM-food (genetically modified food). I bought this book Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser and I never looked at a burger the same way again. "Hundreds of millions of people buy fast food every day without giving it much thought, unaware of the subtle and not so subtle ramifications of their purchases. They rarely consider where this food came from, how it was made, what it is doing to the community around them. I think people should know what lies behind the shiny, happy surface of every fast food transaction. They should know what really lurks between those sesame-seed buns. As the old saying goes: You are what you eat." (Schosser) He goes on to expose the inner dealings of a slaughterhouse, where workers suffer from Carpal Tunnel Sydnrome, harrasment and discrimination (not to mention low pay and f-ckingly lousy medical benefits). He spoke of one worker who at the age of 30-something limps, has eyesight issues, back problems, limb disability and a whole range of illnesses and problems which started off by working in a McDonalds' slaughterhouse. Young people with low skills and little knowledge of their working rights work for peanuts in one of the most dangerous environments - hot oil, stoves and pathogens. Food poisoning from tainted beef, beef tallow in french fries, lard in your cooking oil...are some of the things which makes you want to take a cold, hard second look at what exactly you are consuming. Just a burger or a mixture of pain, disease, injustice, poverty and desperation?

I think I will stop here for now. I have ranted more than I should on the matter. Personally, no one has to listen to me - it would be nice if people listened and absorbed it the way I do, but I have faced the fact that in this life or the next, there will be people who couldn't give a damn about others. At least I do and honestly, that is what counts. *thinks* Hmmm...I should put up a rant on genetically modified food and farming practices today. ^_^ |W|P|108800003875661931|W|P|No Nike...or Coke (or McDonalds) either please!|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/24/2004 12:31:00 PM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|Waow! now, Nike, I knew about. But the Coke and McDonalds stuff???? See if they get MY business again! Hopefully, Mountain Dew is a Pepsi product....6/24/2004 12:59:00 PM|W|P| Mabel|W|P|Yeah...not many people know about McDonalds or Coke...which is why I put up the links. :) I wish people were more educated about the food that they consume. I should put up that rant on GM food...and soon too! :p6/24/2004 02:38:00 PM|W|P| Dzof|W|P|I have my own reasons for not taking Coke/McD/Nike or any other American product - at least until the US elections this November. But there are other good reasons for staying away.

For example, I honestly and truly believe that Coke has absolutely no (zilch, nada) nutritional value whatsoever. Unless it's an overdose of sugar you're after.

Nike stuff is just plain expensive. RM200 for a pair of sneakers? Well, somebody has to pay for the ads.

McDonalds is... well let's just say the wrong side of healthy. I'm sure, like cyanide, it's not deadly if taken in small enough doses, but...


I'd like to know the following: Would you buy pirated goods? For example, those cheap knock-off Nike caps you see at the pasar malam.

Would it make a difference if you knew that they were surplus from the same factory as the original goods?

What about if the workers were selling it on the side to make a little extra?


What about banking with a company like, say, HSBC? Who pay outsourced call centre employees in Malaysia up to almost a tenth less of what the same person in England would make to do the same work?


And finally, what if I say this: Free Trade Creates Jobs and Wealth. What if I said that those people living in sweatshops who are making less than minimum wage are still making more than what they would make as a subsitence farmer?

What upsets you: Is it the fact that the country as a whole is so poor that even minimum wage is 'poverty' by the world standard? Or that it's Western companies who take advantage of this to produce goods more cheaply?

BTW, if you haven't dones so, your should read "No Logo" by Naomi Klein.6/24/2004 03:35:00 PM|W|P| Mabel|W|P|This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.6/24/2004 03:47:00 PM|W|P| Mabel|W|P|This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.6/24/2004 03:54:00 PM|W|P| Mabel|W|P|First of all, one should not attempt to insert HTML tags into one's comments. ><

I like the way you think, Dzof...not to mention some questions which you have pointed out. :)

On pirated goods: It's a hard line to draw but I have this to say. I won't get the cheap knock-offs mainly because no one else will know that it's a knock-off but me. At its very core, I'll be helping Nike to promote their products. What should change is the way the company works as a whole. Employees selling surplus stuff doesn't tackle the root of the problem - it merely buys more time for the company/employees. The problem isn't addressed at all. There wouldn't be a need for employees to make that extra buck on the side if they had better benefits and were well-paid. You don't see the top managers of Nike selling surplus products in the US now, do you?

On outsourcing labour: That's why I don't bank with HSBC. ^_^ But seriously, I have no complaints if the wages paid are reflective of the standard of living and not stupendously low. The standard of living in the UK is higher, much higher than in Malaysia. One freaking apple costs a pound - times by six if you want to convert it to Malaysian ringgit. So long as employees are treated well and paid wages which are reflective of the standard of living, I have no problems with outsourcing jobs - it's part and puzzle of capitalism, competition and market forces.

On free trade: Here lies the problems - we have made it hard for people to rely on what they have been doing for decades. We patent wheat, grain, rice and whatever we can, we charge farmers, we squeeze them dry. For example, when Coca Cola opened that factory in Kerala, it promised them jobs...only less than 500 people were employed, out of thousands (check the links). How is that job creation and wealth for these people? The divide between the wealthy and the poor is getting wider, more so now than before. Why?

At least subsistance farmers are growing something that they can later feed on - hence the word subsistance (you sell the extra and you plant a variety of veggies/fruit). But people in sweatshops are earning less than what is required of them to live proper healthy lives.

I'm more for FAIR Trade...not Free Trade. And there is a difference. ^_^

On companies and poverty: Both. The global big players measure the growth of developing countries to their standards. Subsistence farming has always been the staple of agriculture for many countries - and it has feed communities, even though these people are below the 'poverty' level. But bigwips like WTO and sometimes the government, etc, insist that farmers plant ONE crop and export it like crazy. The money comes in but it doesn't go back to the farmer. It goes to companies like Monsanto, or banks, or governments, or individuals (like the middle man) but never back to the farmer. I wouldn't say that it is Western companies persay but large multinational corporations that seem to trample on everything and everyone to get richer and bigger. Why, most of the big multinationals make more money than countries!

What I would like to see is more ethics in conducting business and trade.6/24/2004 11:22:00 PM|W|P| Dzof|W|P|You like the way I think? Heh, but I think the overlap between us is middling (for example, you haven't heard me when I'm vigorously supporting the manufacture and consumption of GM food).

On the other hand it sounds like you believe that companies have a greater obligation than to just maintain a healthy profit margin. This I wholehearted agree with. With relish and mustard. And those little chopped up onions.

The million dollar question is "What can we do about it?".

I believe that outsourcing or globalisation is not intrisically evil. I don't even believe that the people who run the companies are evil. But the presumption that a company that produces profits is a successful company, and the bigger the profits the better, this assumption leads to many, many things.

Like paying people minimum wage to serve your burgers and then making sure they don't work more than forty hours a week so that you don't have to pay them overtime. Good financial sense.

I'm sure most of us recognise that appealing to the good nature of people who run megacorporations is not likely to produce more than the odd individual victory.

Most activists rely on free market economics to help their cause. For example, the awareness tuna fishing was killing dolphins caused the public to stop buying and in response the companies produced dolphin-friendly tuna. Conscience in a can. But it worked.

Another example is that ever since the Atkins diet craze has gained mainstream support, junk food companies and fast food restaurants have begun to supply low-carb foods. Like bunless burgers. (*shakes head* IT'S CALLED A STEAK, GORRAM IT!)

But this can only go so far.

For real change to take effect, first the general public (what a wonderful phrase) needs to be aware of the issues, and then ethics are shaped through informed debate, and then this hopefully will lead to legislation and enforcement.

For some reason, we always seem to skip the 'informed debate' bit and jump straight into law-making. Also, I'm assuming we're talking about democracies here. Benevolent dictatorships can skip straight to the lawmaking.

ANYWAY (berevity was never my strong point), Yes, I Agree. We need more ethics in conducting business and trade.6/25/2004 04:38:00 PM|W|P| Mabel|W|P|In other words, D, it all boils down to what we know and what we do with what we know. Yes? ^_^ Btw, do you have a blog or something? Would like to read your stuff on GM food. Exchange of ideas would be good. :)6/23/2004 10:02:00 AM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|Was going through some blogs this morning and I came across this one in Izuan's blog. It's pretty interesting and I found it to be quite reflective and meaningful - to me anyway. There were a few known comments about Brock's writing and particularly of how he chose to end this poem. However, it has strengths nevertheless. The death of the soul is far more efficient than the death of the body...and sometimes being forgotten is just as good as being dead. Edwin Brock, called ”5 ways to kill a Man”. There are many cumbersome ways to kill a man. You can make him carry a plank of wood to the top of a hill and nail him to it. To do this properly you require a crowd of people wearing sandals, a cock that crows, a cloak to dissect, a sponge, some vinegar and one man to hammer the nails home. Or you can take a length of steel, shaped and chased in a traditional way, and attempt to pierce the metal cage he wears. But for this you need white horses, English trees, men with bows and arrows, at least two flags, a prince, and a castle to hold your banquet in. Dispensing with nobility, you may, if the wind allows, blow gas at him. But then you need a mile of mud sliced through with ditches, not to mention black boots, bomb craters, more mud, a plague of rats, a dozen songs and some round hats made of steel. In an age of aeroplanes, you may fly miles above your victim and dispose of him by pressing one small switch. All you then require is an ocean to separate you, two systems of government, a nation's scientists, several factories, a psychopath and land that no-one needs for several years. These are, as I began, cumbersome ways to kill a man. Simpler, direct, and much more neat is to see that he is living somewhere in the middle of the twentieth century, and leave him there. ... Anyway, I'll be changing the look of my blog over the next few days - so don't get stunned out of your skin if you come in after one visit and find it looking different. I'm experimenting with HTML, scripting and a few other stuff, which reminds me - I need to get back to opening up my own little website. ^_^ Had one before with a diary and all, but I closed it - didn't really have time to go update it and stuff. *shrugs* O'well... *goes back to her knitting and thoughts*|W|P|108795738035512618|W|P|How to kill a man...|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/23/2004 02:16:00 PM|W|P| Embiggened!|W|P|Is it too late to welcome you to the blog world? I hope not. Still, nice thoughts, and isn't it amazing how these unconnected thoughts by people who probably have never even met each other resonate so much, sometimes?

Have a good week!6/25/2004 05:02:00 PM|W|P| Mabel|W|P|Welcome to you too...have been blogging for over a year now, but my old blog is closed already. :P6/22/2004 07:10:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|

Here's a picture I took while I was in Melbourne for a one week break. ^_^ It was pretty stormy by Aussie standards and my fingers were frozen. Snapped using an Olympus 2000 SLR camera. *takes a deep breath* Today, someone forwarded this question to me, which got me thinking about a variety of things. What was the difference between a friend and boyfriend? My boyfriend is someone whom I can talk to, someone whom I can shower my affection and love on, someone whom I can turn to whenever I need a shoulder to cry on, someone whom I can trust for protection and love, someone whom I can depend on during my most weakest of hour, someone whom I am not afraid to be truly myself...someone whom I can cry to... Most of my friends have never seen me cry before. Very few people have - just one or two actually. The ones that have, I treasure the most as friends, simply because by the act of seeing me shed my tears, they have my most complete and full trust. More often than not, I am the stronger one in my friendships - the more stable, more mature or more quiet one. It is not their fault that I cannot seem to let go openly of my emotions to them, but more of mine. I suppose it has something to do with the way I have been since I was young. I find it hard to open up fully to people, to show the 100% real me...which is why oddly enough, I open up better on the Internet with my online friends. It is because of this barrier - that I don't see them and thus, I don't feel any real treat of betrayal...it's easier to forget about someone whom you have never met before than someone whom you have seen and interacted with. If anything, I am never afraid to show my true self to my lover/confidante/boyfriend...who is more often than not, a close and best friend of mine. But when a break-up happens and heartache throws itself in the way more often than I would like it to, I find that I doubt my heart, my judgement and ultimately myself more often than I should. What have I done to lose someone close to me? Where did I go wrong in picking partners? What happened to my judgement? BUT... I suppose we all need to learn somewhere...somehow. Sooner is better than later. I remember this quotable quote from Hallmark. "It's only late when you're dead, my friend." If anything, I should stop doubting myself. I should stop listening to the demons within me that keeps on pushing down on me. I should instead start listening to the real me, not the physical part of me, but the heart - the personality. If men cannot see this real me and appreciate me for who I am, then it should never be my fault, it should never be my loss. I should start looking at things from a different perspective - a blessing in disguise hidden in one or two sorrows, a lesson in life in anguish, a golden opportunity in a lost chance. So what does it feel like to be me - at least personality wise?

• Overly concerned about loved ones
• Brutally honest
• Outrageously witty
• Soft-hearted
• Friendly
• Philosophically yet strangely kiddish at times
• Passionate and firey about the things I love
• Dynamic and adaptable
• Often self-critical (sometimes for all the wrong reasons)
• Loves easily and strongly
• Romantic yet idealistic in some aspects
• Joyful (but not really chirpy when I'm depressed)
• Opinionated and strong
• Understanding and patient (only with people I get along with)

Just the good points here. I have plenty of bad ones...but this is an entry for good points, remember? Note that I didn't say independent because in some ways, I am and in some ways, I am not. I will always be dependent on people for emotional intake but I'm independent of them in terms of the result of the relationship. It's kinda hard to explain. ^_^ I reckon that's why people were made unique from each other. If everything was explainable, where is the fun? Zlich. Perhaps one day, I'll find someone who appreciates all those good qualities (and bad ones) that make up me. Someone who will love and care for me equally...someone whom I can trust...someone whom I can cry to and not fear to let him see me at my weakest point. Someday it'll be my turn again... |W|P|108790265912334037|W|P|Someday, it'll be my turn again...|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/24/2004 07:06:00 PM|W|P| fishtail|W|P|I like what you wrote, especially "If men cannot see this real me and appreciate me for who I am, then it should never be my ... loss." Profound. Thank you.

(http://julyfishtail.blogspot.com)6/25/2004 09:01:00 AM|W|P| Mabel|W|P|Fishtail,

Thank you too. I sometimes need to remind myself of those words though. ~_~ Bah.6/25/2004 09:02:00 AM|W|P| Mabel|W|P|Silencer,

*lol* ^_^ Wait till I go list down my bad qualities...then we'll see. But from my blog, it could be told what my personality is like. ^_^ Have fun reading!6/22/2004 09:50:00 AM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|I'm still alive. ^_^ Woke up this morning, feeling rather jaded and hollow but then again, it's really nothing new. What had I expected - after digging out my emotions last night and burying the remnents? Last night I made a decision to stop feeling - at least if I do, to keep it mellowed down as much as possible. I promised him that things would be different and I kept to my word. So far, that is. *winks* No more displays of jealousy, no more overtures of 'I like you', no more overt flirtatious moves...nothing to hint that we are more than just friends. It feels ackward sometimes, when we run out of words to say to each other - the brief moments of silence, but it's not something that is worriesome. I'll always figure out what to talk about. If that fails, I'll just close the window and get busy with work. If I don't have work, I'll find someone else to yap about to. I would still be around if he needs me - that is something that is without a doubt. He is a good friend and a kind loving person... It's not his fault that I feel this way - just that our expectations aren't the same at all. So why force the issue? Time to move on with life. Just that right now, I feel a familiar pang of emptiness. I'm beginning to lead life without hoping for too much. Hope still lives but overnight, some things have changed - for the best. "Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have." This makes me smile. ^_^ *thinks* I have been ignoring the blueprint which I set out a while back...that is build the friendship first, the rest will come in its own good time. If it doesn't happen, at least I can love him in my own way - he wouldn't have to know but it would be still be love. And there is always friendship to bind us together. ^_^ Laughter will be good right now. Not to mention a really good night's rest. Don't worry. I'll be back to my usual self in a few days. |W|P|108787040834937685|W|P|I'm good...still in one piece.|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/22/2004 01:30:00 PM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|You're still alive. that's a start. Now, let's see about making you laugh...6/22/2004 01:34:00 PM|W|P| Mabel|W|P|Yes, yes, Dev...you make me laugh, you already know that! ^_~6/22/2004 01:35:00 PM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|...then I've done my job! yay me!6/22/2004 02:38:00 PM|W|P| Mabel|W|P|Cheeky fella. :p6/22/2004 05:24:00 PM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.6/22/2004 05:24:00 PM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|Hey, im not gonna comment on ur situation, sorry, cause i think ure a person who makes ur own decisions, dun need others opinion?
But can i ask u a question? Just ur own opinion on something.
If there was 1 I loved, n was loved back in the pass, but now my love is no longer return, should i continue to love?
This is a friend, not a lover.
To love would lead to hurt because it can never be the way it was, n being reminded of the loss kills me.
Ive been good since i stop caring much..
Shud i love when i know to love would only lead to hurt?
This person doesnt need me, has someone else.6/22/2004 05:30:00 PM|W|P| Mabel|W|P|Hm...would appreciate an identification of who you are at the end of your post....but never mind. ^_^

Perhaps it is wise then to stop loving but continue caring. Since that person has someone else already, it is evident that your part in this will never be more than just friends - unless she lets go of him. To hang on to the past will not bring the future to you. You have two options: be around as a friend and wait on it - which means you hang on to the love and the hope. Alternatively, you can choose to move on, let go of that hope, still be friends but essentially move on.

Who knows? Perhaps moving on will bring you better things.

Cheers.6/21/2004 11:21:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|I died today. I took a knife to my own heart and I stabbed myself of the love, care and concern for him. I killed it for the sake of friendship and my sanity...for his sake actually. I got his message loud and clear tonight - the irritation, the desperation in his voice. He was tired of this being a problem. He didn't want it to become a problem. So it will never be a problem. Tonight, I will stop loving him. I still stop liking him. I will stop dreaming of him. I will bleed. I will cry. And after that, I will feel no more. I died today...for someone else. |W|P|108783157540109857|W|P|I died.|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/21/2004 06:35:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|It has been ages since I last listened to Malay songs - sorry, no translations offered for the songs below - unless someone is willing to take them up. In a gist, they are songs about love, romance and of missing that special someone. Anyway, I found the tapes yesterday and listening to it now makes me melancholy and all sad - contemplating my own romantic fate. From tomorrow onwards - if everything goes well tonight - I'll be living a lie - a lie which I weave for the sake of friendship, for the sake of someone else. Oddly enough, this is how my life will always be - for someone else but never for myself. I can't even bring myself to ask him for a chance - simply because it wouldn't be fair to him or right for me. Such is the life of morality and ethics. I don't think it'll be that bad. At least I still have him as a friend. *sighs* Rindu Padanya by Camelia (loosely translated as "Missing Him") Sejak terpandang wajahmu hatiku bertanya selalu Siapa dia, mengikut pandanganku Seringkali dia berlalu di hadapan dan menyapaku Sehingga, hatiku seringkali merindu Tak dapat ku melupakan dirinya Terbayang wajahnya di mataku Inginku tanya namanya tapi hatiku rasa malu Tak terucapkan walau sepatahkata Mungkinkah diriku telah dilamun cinta Oh hatiku resah selalu Haruskan ku menyatakan perasanku terhadapnya Mungkinkah dia kini telah berpunya Getar hati makin terasa Bila terdengar suara dan bertentang mata Ku bagaikan berbunaga kehujanan Berkembang mekar disetiap ketika Tidur malamku tak lena asyik teringat padanya Bilakan mentari memancarkan cahaya Hanyalah dirinya bermain di ingatan Oh Tuhan, ku rindu padanya... *sighs* Who am I kidding? It already feels awful. I have been forcing myself to eat - food actually tastes like ash...the heart feels heavy...and the eyes? Lets just say I'm trying to hold back the tears. I'm so tempted to ask for a chance...but really...what's the point in asking when I already know the answer? *wipes away the tears* Tonight I'm going to feel this way and nothing is going to change that - not him, not anyone else...just myself. Lets just live for the moment... [EDIT] I have calmed down a bit since a few hours ago. It turns out that I'm having my period now - kinda weird considering that I normally bleed first thing in the morning and not in the evening. I think the stress and hormonal imbalance (not to mention the emotional craziness) triggered it soon than I thought. I suppose it could explain why I was more prone to tears and bouts of depression for the past few days. Anyway, there have been a few updates - hurtful ones and not so painful ones. ADAM Ever since BW came into my life, my relationship with Adam went from bad to worse - we started out alright but somehow things went shaky, after my date with BW (and that was three weeks ago). We gotten into a few fights - both over the phone and online. The final straw was today. While talking to him about my problems with BW, he - I can only presume - got tired and told me off curtly. What ensued from there was a fight that ended up in the two of us pissing each other off and finally cutting off all ties. He poked me about my attitude and behaviour; and as usual, I swallowed it and tried to apologize and deflect the situation. However, it would appear that he doesn't want to keep in touch anymore, he's adamant that I'm the only one at fault here and he basically just doesn't want to talk to me anymore. When I tried again just now, he brought up his ex girlfriend and how he wanted her to be around instead of other people. Typical of him to do so actually - to try and rub some salt into the wound. That's alright, I suppose. After all, he IS free to think what he likes. *shrugs* BW I am falling for him. I have to admit it at least. *sighs* I'm at a conflict with myself. I have expectations that come naturally with feelings like this...expectations which I hope would be met one day, expectations of something wonderful. And yet, one part of me wishes him no harm, no pressure, no...force. I want the feelings to be reciprocrated out of mutual liking and attraction - not because of pity or sympathy (I can do without that, thank you). Besides, a strong part of me feels that it's very unfair to ask for a chance when he has already said that he has no desire to be in a relationship now. Some of my close friends have commented that he didn't say an outright 'no' so I still stand a chance. But you see, there is this part of me that fears hurt. I am so tempted, so tempted to stick around and wait BUT there is this part of me that constantly questions "What if the next one doesn't work out? Can you take the pain?" With every heartache I felt, the pain was stronger than before - the hurt left a deeper mark, a longer toll, a more bitter pain that needed to be swallowed. I cherish his companionship, I cherish him for who he is - but I fear to ask too much from him because I know deep down inside, not all of me is ready for him - not now anyways. So why am I rambling like this? Perhaps my brain is too cluttered. All I do know is that tomorrow will be different. I'll live for today...tomorrow, things will be different. If there is any loving to be done, it will be done secretly and quietly. It's time to go back to being invisible - like how I was in primary and secondary school. And no matter how much I hurt inside, he will never know of it because I will never tell him. I don't want to burden him. ...I just...I just want to love him. That's all. |W|P|108781532131226477|W|P|Just to love him...|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/23/2004 02:23:00 AM|W|P| gracieq|W|P|I'm so sorry to read about what happened between you and Adam. Perhaps things will get better somehow in the future. Take care.6/23/2004 01:17:00 PM|W|P| Mabel|W|P|It's alright I suppose. Perhaps some things are better left as they are. *shrugs* But thankies. ^_^6/21/2004 10:39:00 AM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|Why did I have to like someone who isn't over his ex? Why do I have to fall for someone who isn't ready for me? Why do I have to hurt like this? Why do I have to promise myself to be there when I have problems trying to be myself in the first place? Why do I have to feel the heaviness in my heart? ... I can't sleep peacefully. I don't have pleasant dreams. He haunts me in my sleep. I just want it all to go away. If it means not talking to him, not seeing him, not interacting with him...*sighs*...I suppose I have to choose then. Whatever happened to chances and opportunities? Whatever happened? ... Why do I have to love?|W|P|108778575694510160|W|P|WHY?|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/19/2004 10:36:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|So I'm sorry that this came a bit tad too late. Work, personal issues and relatives from Brunei were a HUGE distraction. This was one really weird dream that I had two nights ago - June 18th, that is. I don't know why I had a dream like this. It has been ages since I last remembered dreams - well, since my break-up anyway. It is kind of weird. Raymond never remembers dreams and he used to have really bad ones until he met me. Of lately, he has been remembering really vivid dreams - me? I either have really boring ones or at least downright weird ones - lets not even get to remembering them. I barely am able to - on a regular busy day, that is. Speaking of remembering dreams, my unicorn did come to visit a week ago - I barely remember this dream...he cantered up to me and nuzzled against me and I sat down beside him, facing this silvery lake. That was when he said to me this: "Things will be alright, sweetie. Everything will be fine. Just have faith and be patient." *sighs* I miss Ash (yup, I call my unicorn that - since I first dreamt of him when I was six or seven!) ^_~ Here is my dream: I was walking along this hallway, littered with a lot of Grecian-looking paintings and old-school oil torchs. It made the place looked rather warm and golden. Fuzzy, actually. I peeked into this door and entered it. WOW. Black marble bathtubs! YUMMMEH! I stopped in front of the nearest one (to the door that is) and I was about to turn on the water when a naked man walked in. O_O! OHMIGOD! It turned out that I was in the mens' bath! *squeels* I rushed outside, blabbering profusely about how sorry I was that I entered the wrong bath. Rushing around, I finally found the ladies bath - didn't see a sign but there were no naked men around, so I reckoned it was the right one. Turned on steaming hot water together with just the right amounts of cold water - ahhhhh...hot steam rising into the air. Beautiful!!! I sprinkled some White Musk bath salts, together with mango scented salts and vanilla oil beads before tipping everything off with a generous dose of rose petals. I think I'm nuts. *giggles* Off the robe came and into the tub I went. I leaned back and looked up and...OHNO! I saw someone I knew - who happened to be a man right opposite me. He was with another guy, and they were in the bath, chatting away. He looked at me, gasped for a moment and then this was the conversation that followed: Him: Isn't this the mens' baths? Me: Urm..nope. That's on the other end of the hallway - with black marble bathtubs. Him: Ohshit! Sorry. (and then he grins widely...) He proceeds me to throw me a handtowel, which lands on my face and I hear water splashing. Somehow, his friend is gone from that dream. >< Anyway, I pull the towel down and saw him - in his birthday suit. O_O! I think he saw me, because he hurridly tied his robe together, mumbles a "sorry to bother you" and rushes off. Me? I went red and ended up soaking in that bathtub with the following question running over and over again in my mind. Did he see me undressing? O_O!|W|P|108765597993924450|W|P|Nudity at the Roman Baths|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/19/2004 10:14:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|Yup. I clocked 300 kilometres today...and I reckon I'm going to clock somemore tomorrow. And I'm talking about driving. ^_^ I spent the better part of the day driving down to Malacca, this 'historical' state which is about three to four hours drive (that is if you follow my dad who hits the speedometer at 90km/h) from where I live. I took Mum's car and drove behind him - which was quite fun in a way. Reminded me so much of the time when Raymond's Dad came down to visit and we drove along the Great Ocean Road. In some ways, I love driving. With the additional car, I'm hoping to clock a few driving hours during the weekend and hopefully, whenever I see friends, especially BW, they don't have to drive me around. I dunno why though. Maybe it's because I like driving. Heh. Today's trip... There were of course a few colourful moments - like when Dad got us lost within city centre (we were looking for the Church of Christ near Stahburys - I think that's how you spell it - ain't too sure!)...and that time where he lead us into Bukit Cina (Chinese Hill) only for me to end up making a u-turn in front of Chinese tombstones. Geez, I spent a few minutes apologizing profusely for interupting the peace of the people buried under those tombstones. >< Now why did I do that? Because despite me being a liberal black sheep Christian, I still believe in spirits and respect for the dead. Taking the car and wheeling over the grass in front of their tombstone is almost akin to pissing on their graves without asking for permission. Something you definitely DO NOT want to do. Anyway, we nearly eight hours driving to Malacca and back home, and nearly four hours in the city. Me and Dad were mostly the drivers - so we didn't really have much time to enjoy the views and what-not. Besides, I have been down there so many times that it doesn't really give me much of a thrill anymore. While I was there, I bought a woven peasant bag, two wrap-around skirts (because it was soooo hot wearing my jeans and blue tank top) and a few munchies for my colleagues and BW. I thought it would be a nice gesture since these are the people who knew about my trip to Malacca. One of the more 'interesting' moments was when I bought the wrap-around skirt. I decided to change into the skirt there and then. So it went around my waist over my jeans and I just took them off - this wasn't done in public though! It was done in the shop but still public enough. Heh. As for eye candy, there were a few good looking 'whites' around - Mum doesn't fancy them...and I reckon her definition of 'cute' is vastly different from mine. O'well... The trip back was a bit tiring for me - because of the heat and just me driving round and round. I was starting to feel a bit light-headed and sleepy despite being loaded with sweets (to keep me awake). So I resorted to counting how many army trucks there were in front of me. There was a convoy of about twelve trucks carrying close to 20 (or more) people in them each. And I noticed one thing: after the sixth truck, I would lose count. So about forty-five minutes away from home, I handed over the keys to Mum and she drove us back. I just sat back and relaxed. ... Came home and I need the usual stuff. Called BW to see how things were and took a shower. Shaved my legs, did some female preening (I don't need to go into specifics but lets just say that the lower regions are very short and nice) and had a very nice shower. Right now, after this blog, I'm going to lie down on my bed and...fantasize. *lol* But seriously, it has been ages since I last was horny or thought of sex. I haven't seen Adam at all, neither did we have sex since the last time which was in April. Quite interestingly enough, even though I ocassionally get horny, I don't seem to be very interested in actually having sex with anyone - even Adam. I suppose my mind is slowly conditioning my body to only have sex with my hubby - IF I ever do get married, which I highly doubt it. Now if only my mind would condition the heart to be more patient and less obvious with my overtures of attraction to BW. I'm so afraid of scaring him off by being my usual infatuated giggly self. Should I speak to him about it? *thinks* I don't know. Hope he calls so I can talk to him about it...but then again, he has had a long day today. Maybe on Monday or something. If we both have time. If not, I'll just wait then. ... Oh, did I say that my aunt and cousin gave me a few going-away presents? I have yet to open it...it's not nice to open presents while the people give it are still around. ^_^ I like to do it in private. *giggles* Anyway, they are leaving tomorrow and I'll be driving their luggage to the airport. HAHAHAHAHA! *shrugs* O'well... I had a good time today. At least it beat sitting on home, doing work or staring at the PC. And oh! I had the weirdest dream ever but...but I'm too tired to write about it. Will make a note of it and jot it down tomorrow. *lol*|W|P|10876557000970933|W|P|300 kilometres...|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/18/2004 05:07:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|*click* *recording starts to play* 18th June 2004 - the scarfer's log for todahhhhyyyyyywwwwweeee... *sound of the recording getting all screwy* *click* Heh. This isn't exactly the opening of Star Trek, so I'll cut to the chase. Besides, I doubt I wanna compare my life to that of a sci-fiction series that has been around for ages. Then again, my life has always been a drama of its own. First few decisions have been made and well, I'm seriously contemplating on the following issues: Raymond He has got to be out of my life. I was much happier during the times whereby we don't talk at all. I felt more complete and I felt more at peace. Talking to him even as a friend just makes me all miserable. So, I'm sorry to say this but I don't want you in my life even as a friend, Raymond. If what you feel for me is love and care, I don't want it. I DO NOT NEED IT. Work I'm slated for teaching one first year unit, one second year unit and the same old subject for diploma - Media Research Methods. *ugh* Right now, Introduction to Sociology (the first year unit) is really interesting - been preparing the first few classes for the past few days now (and I'm really into the thick of things) - and I have more room to play around with it, especially with the assessment and tutorials. Hopefully the students are receptive towards it. ^_^ BW It has been...three weeks since I gotten to know him. Things haven't really been picking up at all - now that I take a look at it. Sure, he has been opening up and stuff like that - but all that is part and puzzle of friendship. Nothing really outstanding there to take note. So I must admit, with a heavy heart, that what I feel for him will never be reciprocrated...so my feelings are best left to die or buried. I'm suppose to meet up with him tomorrow but now, I don't really feel like going at all. I don't want him to think that I'm avoiding him...what the heck, I might as well swallow it and go out with him. It's not as if I have been through worse. *shrugs* Just swallow my pride and pain and put on a show. I've done it before. What's the problem? Love I am tired of it. I am tired of relationships. I am tired of loving people. I am just so sick and tired of it. I have made up my mind. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to let anyone close to me again. I don't want to love anyone else anymore. If anything, I'll just bury myself in work, my family and my students...perhaps some wine and writing. Know something? In my mind, I have died. I have hurt, I have bled and I have died. From tomorrow onwards, I never want to have anything to do with men...or love. Ever again. If anything, I will find everything people normally seek from relationships in close friends or perhaps...flings. But whatever it is, I don't ever want to love again. This heart has hurt too much and thus, this heart will always be guarded. Kudos to the men who have managed to capture this heart of mine. It will never be anyone else's again. *locks her heart up* [EDIT] It would seem that I'm a sucker for love. I can't seem to hold true to my own words of locking up my heart and holding back my feelings. Bah. I wonder if this is really the true me - always revelling in love and the wonder (not to mention misery) of it. BW and I got into a spat - which has been ironed out (*yaaay!*) - and strangely the incident made me realized a few things about him and what we share in common - apart from the propensity to take other people's feelings into consideration and feeling remorseful for quite some time as well. *hmm* The rest are analyses which I think I had better keep to myself since he reads this blog. O_O! And what makes things even more interesting is that my attraction towards him is beginning to mellow down into something else. OHNO! *palms forehead* >< |W|P|108755107151980102|W|P|Decisions...|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/17/2004 02:22:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|I need some peace and quiet today. Particularly today, more than before, more than tomorrow. I would just like to go to somewhere breezy, quiet, dark...watch the stars glitter against the dark night sky and just wrap my arms around myself and shed a few tears. No matter how hard I try to avoid all this, it always comes back to haunt me. No matter how hard I try to put the past behind me, it always comes back. I wish Raymond would just let go of what has past. I wish he would stop faulting me for everything that goes wrong in his life. In actual fact, he cannot leave me alone - not the other way around as some of his friends would think. I have left him alone, but he makes posts that shoot barbs at me - I thought it was just me but after checking, it turned out that other people read it and immediately thought of me. He says I will always illicite some form of defensiveness in him. Is it my fault that he feels this way towards me? Is it my fault that he feels defensive? Is it my fault that he doubts me even when I am blatant supportive and concerned about him? Sometimes I feel it's because of his upbringing in that home of his, with that family of his. Sometimes I feel it's because he has learnt to doubt and distrust me. That isn't for me to say...that isn't for me to conclude. Neither is it within my control. Whatever it may be, it hurts me. I want to be friends. This is one man whom I shared my life with and yet, I find it hard to understand when he blames me for everything that goes wrong in his life. I find it hard to believe otherwise of him simply because he has never proven me different. Where did I go wrong? What are my faults as a human being? What was wrong with being honest, concerned and consistent with my emotions, thoughts and actions? Should I say something and practice another? Should I hide my emotions all to myself? Perhaps time away from him (even the online him) would be good...perhaps time away from the stresses of the world would be good... By the stars, by the wind, by the darkness I sit alone Arms wrapped around a cold lonely soul that is me... The wind breezes by, the leaves rustles, I hold my head up to the sky The gentle whisper of a Celtic flute beckons softly, gently... The soul weeps, the heart bleeds, For a time when love was all that mattered For a time when kindness was met in kind For a time when life was perfect The heart bleeds for a hurt that would not go away The soul weeps for a past that lingers... Perhaps the darkness will come to take away the soul and dry the tears Perhaps the darkness will come for the one who needs it the most. Perhaps it will come...for me.|W|P|108745500194781104|W|P|Just some quiet required...|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/16/2004 05:02:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|...to cry but I can't because I'm at work. So I type it out and I find my eyes watering. You would think I stopped hurting this much. You would think I could be more rational and less emotional than this. ...to hide from him but I can't. Why? Because I'm stupid enough to take his needs more into consideration than mine. Because I'm...*sighs*...because I am who I am. ...to curl up into a little ball... ...to cry my tears, my hurt, my pain out... ...to hide away from the world and not go through anything like this anymore. I just want to cry. [EDIT] He made me laugh today. And even though the morning sucked really bad, he made me laugh after that. Suddenly, being just friends first doesn't seem so bad at all. Suddenly, I really didn't mind having him around as a friend. Suddenly, it is something that I really would like to do. I hope things work out well. I feel bonded - there is no other word to describe what I feel - but 'bonded' to him. Never mind that; isn't it nice to stay as friends? It'll be hard trying NOT to flirt with him all the time - I find that he rises to the ocassion when I don't. *lol* Am really looking forward to seeing him this Saturday. We both owe each other massages and hugs! And for his birthday, I have something planned...luckily he doesn't know when my birthday is. BWAAHAHAHAHAAHA! *rubs her hands together with an evil smile* *giggles* Salut to a new beginning! ^_^ |W|P|108737689343488526|W|P|I want...|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/16/2004 03:24:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|Whenever I get "I miss Raymond, why did I left him?" bugs, I read this entry. It 'wakes' me up again - and somehow, leaves me feeling as if I made the right choice. It was never worth all the hurt and pain. I stayed in my room from 8pm onwards last night and promptly got screwed for it later - dad left a note on my door when I got up this morning. Anyway, I stayed in my room because I was talking to Raymod and I was doing some closure ritual thing - he suggested it 'coz I told him that I was having a hard time moving on and I was angry and upset and...marh. So he suggested doing a closure ritual - that is me being honest with whatever I felt throughout the entire relationship and me venting and telling him what I had never been able to say while we were going out. He was supportive and he listened, just listened - that was part of closure, you say what you feel to someone, and they just listen...you say all the things that you have wanted to say during the relationship but was never able to because of fear, because of rejection, because of punishment, etc. Raymod will come through this, and he will read this - but really, all that I have said here is just a recollection of closure that I have done with him. And what I don't need here is people telling me that I should have done this or that. This was what I felt at that time...and what part of me still feels. Let me say what my heart feels without being punished or having to feel apologetic for it, please. This is my ritual of closing and regrets! I felt shortchanged, I felt angry, I felt betrayed, I felt deserted. While I was with Raymod, I felt punished for being me, for being dynamic, for being smarter, for being stronger - I felt confused as well for here was he telling me that he like me for the way I am and later, I would get punished for it. Whenever I wanted to share my results with him, he would go "I'll never get grades like that...I'm slow" and he gets all upset, without knowing that I feel guilty for it as well. He would go, "I'm slow and I don't read as fast as you" in that tone...hell, I can't even describe it. And worse, I always had to apologize for telling the truth, for saying what I really feel. He wanted me to be honest - and honesty has always been a sterling quality of mine - but when I am honest for it, I get punished with "you're always creating conflict". Ian once asked why was it I always apologized for saying what I really felt. It was because I had been conditioned to apologize and feel guilty/wronged for speaking out what I felt in my heart. After a while, I just couldn't talk to him anymore - I couldn't communicate with him. I would try to talk to him about what I really felt, my worries and all and he would lash out at me, poke fun at me and etc. If anything, I felt bad for being me, for being confident, for being smart, for being inherently ME. I was concerned about him and his studies - and because we couldn't communicate well and because he would always hide away from conflicts - I took on the role to make sure that our relationship stayed good...I take care of him, I pamper him and I do all those little things. He said that it was as if I was the man (the traditional sense of the role that is) in the relationship. I wanted to see a counsellor, you know. I wanted to see a shrink to see what I could do to further understand Raymod - Raymod asked me if I wanted to see a counsellor. I said yes...and it never materialized. Somehow, Raymod forgotten about it. Whenever we have a conflict...whenever I had a problem with him and when I bring it up, I was always told that I turn everything into a conflict and I was punished by Raymod going into his cave. Worse of all, he goes into his cave for days...and he ignores me COMPLETELY! It is as if I don't exist at all. And we lived together. He comes back after those two days and gets all lovey dovey with me after completely ignoring me - and I'm like WTF. *sighs* Up till today, I still feel guilty. Raymod used to tell me how I shouldn't let people feed me bullshit...but he forgot to mention that he had kept on feeding me bullshit as well and I had believed in the bullshit he fed me. Towards the end of our relationship, I had changed so much that I felt caged, unhappy, insecure about where I stood with him. I never demanded him to break off ties with Jaclyn. If anything, I told him NOT TO! And yet he went ahead and did it. And I felt even more guilty for it. Jaclyn's problem was with me and me alone. I kept it to myself for as long as I could because I knew that I would be punished for bringing it up and most importantly, I never wanted Raymod to be place in the predicament of choosing between me or her. I was hurting inside because when I try to tell him that I felt hurt and pain for the things that she said to me (that I wasn't doing enough for Raymod when all I did was try to care for him only to be snubbed by him), Raymod would go "you don't understand"... And worse, he breaks off ties with her and turns around and tells me "I hope you don't make me lose any more friends". I have never felt important to him. If anything, I was second in Raymod's life - his family and friends were more important to him - he said so himself and that hurt me even more. I never demanded him to break off ties with his friends, I never hinted to him...I never asked him. Even when I was hurt by the things that Jaymee said to me (I told her so), he still goes "If you only understand her..." I was frustrated. I do understand, which was why I still talk to Jaymee, which is why I still am friends with her. I felt betrayed because he accused people who "sided" with me of being bias, or not understanding. The problem was never with Jaymee or other people...it was where I stood in his life. I share my life with him, I share my problems with him, I make him an active part of my life...and he doesn't - he's always going "I want to do my things...", "...you'll never understand", "...I'll tell you when I'm ready to tell you..." So I don't force the issue. But as time went on, I began to feel as if I was never going to be a part of his life. He never wanted to talk about his problems, he never wanted to share anything, he never wanted to include me, to let me help him, to let me understand him...until it was too late. He was always pushing the bucket to me...making me decide FOR him, going "if you want me to call me, tell me to do so" and when I do, he complains that he doesn't have enough time on his own and that I'm always bothering him, that I'm always bugging him. I have to ask for everything - for love, for affection, for romantic interludes because Raymod never wanted to do those things. He was always going "If you like flowers, tell me to buy them", "if you want sex, ask me for it"... It even got to a point where sometimes I wonder whether he took me home from work (when I used to work night shifts, Raymod would come to the shopping mall to walk home with me) because he wanted to or because he had to. Why? Because people who love you don't need to be told to show their love...people who love you shower their affection without having their partner to ask for it - the communications and all these tiny gestures of love...you should never have to ask for those things. And yet, I had to or else, it would be nothing. Raymod would continue to live in a world of his own...I tried once not to ask for anything (in Australia)...and for days, he never SMSed me, he never sat down to give me a hug or a kiss, the flowers never came...and I won't even bother bringing up the sex bit. It was as if he held my hand but he wasn't there. That wasn't bad compared to when I get hurt by other people and the first person he questions AND doubts is me. And he's never attentive to my needs unless I TELL HIM OUTRIGHT! The example I'm going to use is definitely going to illicite some remarks but Jaymee, this isn't about you. It's about how Raymod treats me sometimes and how much importance he places on my well-being and welfare. When Jaymee came in Australia to visit, she wanted to use the phone line in my room to go onto Shinra. Raymod suggested using his PC, she said no...she wanted to use her laptop. I suggested dragging the phoneline from my room into hers coz it would be more convenient, she said no...she wanted to use my room. So I said okay coz I thought she was going to take a short time with it. Shinra was addictive, I didn't know it then. She stayed online in my room for quite some time. I had wanted to sleep at about 930-ish but I didn't want to tell her to go away because she was Raymod's sister and I didn't want to be bitchy about it. Raymod came in and lied down beside me. I had waited for him to tell her to go get some rest since it was already 10pm and I was having a headache. No...he never said anything till it was 11pm and I *told* Raymod that I wanted to sleep. Only then did he ask Jaymee to take a break and go to sleep. Your girlfriend is lying flat out, covering her eyes coz of the light, suffering from a migraine, getting all stressed out because I didn't get much sleep last night (from work and getting up early the next day to pick up her boyfriend's sister and dad at the airport) and she has to tell you that she wants to sleep. *sighs* I felt so unloved. *sighs* It hurts when all everyone sees is his side of the story and never mine. Admitly, it's because I never tell my side of the story - why? Because I always feel guilty and afraid of being honest. It was that bad...I was always fearful of speaking my mind because I know if I do it, Raymod would get all angry and upset with me. So I beat around the bush with it, and we get into fights that way. It hurts when everyone agrees that I'm demanding and that I'm bitchy without knowing fully well that I was under pressure, that I was being punished for doing that or otherwise. When I go out and hang out with friends of my own or even start confiding in other people, Raymod brings up the fact that "we were starting to close each other off" or he would pouted and say that he's lonely...and so I try to get close to him again...and I get punished for it. Every time we argued, it was about his needs, his space, his time, everything was about him - but it was never about understanding me, it was never about listening to me. And believe it or not, after feeling shortchanged, after still staying supportive of Raymod (of the patience and the love that I have poured into him and "us" ), I still feel guilty for not having done enough for him. I feel shortchanged because I have tried so hard, because I had loved him so much and I was willing to try again and he just throws in the towel and walks away - just like he had always done with every other conflict we had but never truly resolved. He is unhappy with himself and he takes it out on me, by his snide remarks, by his punishments, by his remarks of how happy he is to see me go home when all I wanted to do was to stay in Australia. That was liking rubbing salt into the wound. So I did the next best thing...I tried to ignore him - but loving him, I couldn't completely ignore him. So I stopped telling him my problems, I stopped confiding in him...I stopped talking to him about me. And we started miscommunicating...and well...we broke up because we were both tired of the pain and hurt. My needs were never fulfilled...and I was even faulted for wanting things, for having needs. *sighs* I'm tired of this venting, and it is a good sign...for when I get tired of replaying things over and over again, I really forget about it and let it go. All I wanted to do was tell Raymod how I feel, how much hurt I felt, how much pain I had to go through silently - that it wasn't just about how much he had suffered, but how much I had to suffer as well. It is finally over.|W|P|108737096697451813|W|P|The past as a reminder...|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com