11/30/2004 10:51:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|I decided to revamp the look of my blog and go for "down to earth".
Never mind that I had nothing else better to do - managed to mark a huge bulk of the CEL assignments and I finished the first ball of yarn for NG's mum's scarf.
Never mind that I'm busy yawning away and would like to hear from NG. I miss the sound of his voice...and I just want to curl up under the quilt.
Never mind that I'm feeling a wee bit fat (and bloated) - my membership with gym has died and since I'll be travelling a lot, I decided not to renew it. Bad idea. Decided that I have to start with my 'plenty of salad and fruit plus healthy food' diet again, not to mention SOME form of exercise on a tri-daily basis. Am considering morning/evening walks and half an hour of yoga/pilates. Problem is I love sleeping in. Gack.
Never mind that I've printed out two pictures of me and NG - for my new workstation. I spent a good part of the afternoon in the new staffroom on Level 1 (currently I'm on Level 3) marking papers and moving A LOT of my junk there. The computer is still at my old place, so it looks like I'll be going to and fro. Must learn to take the stairs once more.
So yeah...here is it. New look of my blog. Enjoy!
|W|P|110182670567046110|W|P|Earthy...|W|Pfirstname.lastname@example.org/29/2004 11:04:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|...I broke up with my ex. There are many reasons but it has never been this clear. For that, I'm glad.
We are still friends - ocassionally, we talk to each other over MSN. Strange how we can never hold a decent conversation during the once-in-a-blue-moon face-to-face meetings. Actually, I only saw him twice since I got back. *shrugs* But yes, we keep in touch sporadically through MSN whenever I have free time and no one else to talk to.
This morning, his MSN display read "considering an offer..." and so out of curiousity, I buzzed him about it. He mentioned about how he was offered a job with a start-up courier company as junior operations manager except that the pay was awfully low - RM1700. So we casually talked about it and he mentioned how the benefits were not very good but the job sounded interesting. Personally, I felt that it was a waste of his education and 'talents' - he holds a double masters in International Business and International Communication with a background degree in IT.
I got busy halfway and never stopped to think about it after our conversation ended.
Just a few minutes ago, I saw him online and casually asked if he was still considering it. He mentioned that he might just take the offer for fun. I just rattled on something like the following:
Me: never settle for second best"
Him: hmmmm? its an interesting job. since its a startup
Me: go for the interview...check out the place. if the environment, people and company beliefs suit you...it's good...but never settle just like that for the first offer. always..."shop" around...
He exploded at me.
Him: sigh. everyone thinks i'm an idiot today. fine.
Me: lol. coz you sound like one? :P
Me: you asked remember?
Him: i asked to be ridiculed and belittled. nice. hm.
Him: i am in a pissy mood. don't mind me.
Me: YOU perceived it to be so, remember?
Him: but back off the sarcasm
Me: i said nothing of the sort...neither did i imply it.
Him: oh fuck you too.
Me: not anymore roy.
Him: thanks a lot mabel. thanks a lot. but hey
Me: chill chill
Him: i'm pissed off
Me: wanna talk about it?
Him: hope you are fucking happy now
Now, of course I'm happy - had a good day at work, got some stuff done, talked to NG and did some knitting...of course I'm happy. But never mind that. He goes on to say that I am patronizing him and that he has to deal with "my moral platitudes", and he blocked me.
I sent him an email giving him some advice about how he should change his perception, that he shouldn't think the world revolves around him and just him alone...he got upset at me again. Mind you, all this while I'm keeping my cool. He starts again.
Him: as i said, its a whole day of 'asking for it'. that i got it from you should not have been a surprise. i wonder what i was expecting in the first place.
When I pointed that he was guilt tripping, he denies it at first - "I don't guilt trip." - and so, I hand him the evidence (read earlier convo). Then he says that maybe he never meant to in the first place. He excuses his pissy behaviour to depression and how he is contemplating on suicide. That education means jackshit to him now. That he cannot relate to his parents. That he feels like an idiot.
All the while I'm trying to tell him that there are loads of people out there who would give half a limb to have the opportunities that he had in life - his overseas education, a home, toys, just the presence of a father figure. That there is much to look forward to in life. That he should change his perception of things - something which he used to preach to me while we were going out. And every time I try to tell him something, he just refuses to hear it. He wants to change the subject, he feels tired, he just doesn't want to hear the truth. He just doesn't want to hear that maybe the problem is with the way he sees himself and the world around him. At the end, he just went "I'm tired. I want to rest. I'm going to go. Good night."
At the moment of this writing, he is offline on my IM list but his sister is online and chances are he could be ranting and raving to her about it. Honestly, I couldn't care less if they thought I was a mean selfish bitch by trying to care.
I have been told by the two of them that I should stop caring because they get all upset, annoyed and irritated when I do, when I try to tell them that I have been through stuff that they are going through and that these were some of the things I did that helped me to be who I am today - a little stronger and more confident. I have been told by the two of them that I am patronizing and controlling. *shrugs* Far be it for me to comment on that. I *do* know that many people out there appreciate my concern and care...that they are glad that someone out there feels the way they do and came out stronger, better and humble about it.
Frankly, it felt tiring just trying to get some sense into him. Kind of reminded me about why my relationship with him just went all downhill. My depression stopped the moment I broke off contact from him - that is when I came back to Malaysia while he was still in Australia. I became happy again and sometimes I suspect that the happier I was, the more upset/envious he got. He fed off my positive energy and in return, all I had was negativity. Even then, I tried to make the best of it - it was after all partially my fault. I was never truly happy with him. I was tired. It felt as if I had to shoulder everything, including fault. He would get upset at me for no apparent reason and when I tried to offer my support, accused me of being patronizing and guilt trip me for being me. That when his girl best friend offered support, he took it willingly with praise. When I pointed that out, he would begrudge me for his failures and faults.
We broke up and I shrugged the burden off my shoulders. I found happiness in a great, sexy, confident teddy bear of a man and I became joyful, stronger than ever. And when my ex tried to get to me again, it read of insecurity; massive amounts of it, and envy; mayhap traces of it...I'll never know. But I knew it was this: emotional abuse and I clearly saw it for what it was. I refused to be pin down for it again. I stood my ground and you know what?
I feel sorry for him and his entire family - sister, father and mother. I pity them.
To have the greatest treasure one person could ever have in this lifetime and never appreciate it. Never appreciate each other. Never support each other. Never want to be part of a family. Never thankful for having parents. Never 'open-eyed' enough to see the blessing in their lives. Never satisfied. Never happy. Never in love with themselves.
I suppose this is the reason why I broke up with him.
I got tired.
Tired of the blame he dumped on me for being the grateful one (hey, I'm not who I am today without help from family, friends, people around me...and especially God!). The strong one. The confident one. The happy one. The blessed one.
I got tired of him. Period.
|W|P|110174072076334268|W|P|The reason why...|W|Pemail@example.com/28/2004 05:01:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|I HAVE BEEN MENTIONED IN THE PAPERS!
Nearly two days more to go before the end of NaNoWriMo and one of the writers - who happens to work with The Star - wrote the finale to culminate her three/four part series on NaNoWriMo and the experiences many of the writers went through. Her last piece, that featured the whole lot of us, came out today in the morning paper.
Even though it was a tad bit short and Leah made no mention of my FULL name (that is Mabel Teoh and not Mei - which is half of my name...) but no matter, I'm still excited and quite pleased about it. Any little mention is better than none. Don't you agree?
For the full story, click here.
This is a great gift to end off a rather tiring and stressful week at work for me. First I get several mentions during the general staff meeting at the college (for counselling new/prospective students and for being a motivator), and now this and the night before...I did something really good...something that made me feel utterly warm and fuzzy.
I was at Summit USJ with NG - there to catch The Incredibles (which was utterly good but what I did was better!). We were early and walking around the place just to kill some time. NG wanted to check some travel books and as we walked past MPH, made a rather spontaneous and unplanned stop. While he browsed around, I eyed this book that came highly recommended by some people - Five People You Meet In Heaven by Mitch Alborn - and I wanted to purchase it except that I was on a tight budget (well, not really but I didn't want to spend money unnecessarily). NG didn't find what he wanted and as we were walking out of the store, he somehow sidetracked to the right where all the promotional stuff and calenders were...plus a huge ass Christmas tree.
It was a normal Christmas tree with decorations except for these heart shaped cards bearing names of children, their age, biological sex and which SHELTER they were from. I was piqued. I was excited, coz I realized what it was. A SECRET SANTA GIFT THINGIE! *hypers up* I started looking around for information on it and when I found it, I knew what I had to do. I just had to. I picked up the book I eyed earlier and went to the tree to choose a card. Settled for this 15 year old Indian girl and I happily headed to the counter where I paid RM29.50 for the book, wrote a message on the card and handed it back to the cashier (they'll wrap it and deliver it to the shelter for me).
After that, I couldn't stop gushing about it. NG watched on, with this smile on his face.
I love doing something really fun, spontaneous and good. It completely made my night and know what? I'm doing it for another child next weekend...I figured that since I'm a working adult with a great family, a good roof over my head and wonderful opportunities; I should at least bring some happiness into the lives of others who aren't so lucky.
Christmas is supposed to be the season of giving...why wait for just one day in the entire year? Why not start a week earlier? A month earlier? Or better still....every day?
The next time you take a step out of your house, think about all the blessings that you have in your life - from those shoes you wear to the car you drive and the lousy job you have...coz somewhere, someone out there is missing out on many things.
* Christmas falls on 25th December but what the hell! I feel like Christmas today!!! ^_____^
|W|P|110163386888759862|W|P|Post-NaNoWriMo stuff...|W|Pfirstname.lastname@example.org/25/2004 05:15:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|
I have been officially declared as a winnah!!!! WOOOHOOOOO! I even have a nifty purple bar that reads WINNER!
Now to really juggle editing it and marking assignments.
On a side note, Silverfish is looking for submissions for their book next year. Am thinking of submitting a section from my novel but don't know if it would fit it to what they have. The deadline is March 2005...so I still have quite some time to decide if I want to do that or start with a new story.
All considered, I am pretty tempted to start with a new one, just that I dunno what to write. Am bordering towards writing a parody about our country but that might be a little bit too much. Alternatively, wanted to write something witty but then again, a bit crampy on my style. Might settle for something along the lines of filial piety and contemplation on it.
Will see how it goes. I'm excited. Will celebrate tonight or this weekend.
Btw, should I send my novel to the publishers? And if yes, where? ~_~
[UPDATE] Here's the nifty e-certificate that I got for my efforts!
|W|P|110137464161215592|W|P|I WON NANOWRIMO!|W|Pemail@example.com/24/2004 01:26:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|It's that time of the semester again where I get bogged down with heaps of work and struggle to make some time for myself and not get pissed at horrible students. When I am at the crossroads of another year and deciding which direction I should take. So lets see...what are some of the things I'm busy with this time of the semester/year:
It's the end of the semester for the degree students and as usual, it means more paperwork and grading to do. Not only is the workload increased but the datelines have been shortened. I could strangle someone but hey, there is always reason to rejoice after everything is done. This semester, I'm looking at grading just the final papers for Culture & Everyday Life - simply because I'm finished with Sociology and Media Research Methods is still ongoing (but finals are soon approaching - first week of December). Nevertheless, grading these thick piles of paper isn't exactly my cup of tea. So far, no lecturer I've met have ever said they liked marking papers. Wonder why?
2. Christmas pressies and New Year woes
This time, I'm too broke to afford shiny gifts, so I have resorted to buying tonnes of paper and making chapbooks of some of my work - short stories, poems, novels...anything I can get my hands on. Not everyone will be able to obtain a copy of The Home of The Fallen which I'm thinking of turning into a chapbook. Was going to consider sending it to a publisher but...I'm sceptical about my own talent. Part of me is thinking of charging people for additional copies...*kekekeke*...but we'll see how it goes. Depends on the response, I guess.
Not only that, I'll have to make time (and money) for my trip up to Mae Hong Son with NG sometime end of December, first week of January. So nyeh.
3. Job blues
A year and a month (?) at the job and I'm already thinking of broadening my horizons, and moving onto greener pastures so to speak. Specifically am thinking of hitting a little down under in Singapore. But because I'm without a PhD at the moment (and too broke to start on one), I'm hoping to secure a job teaching communications at one of the few polytechnics they have there.
Managed to send in applications to three which offer courses in communication and cultural studies; also called the three up (Ngee Ann, Singapore and Republic) only to find out that the semester begins in December and that my resume will be forwarded to the respective schools for consideration for the following semester in June. Singapore was more positive compared to Ngee Ann which said the above - they mentioned that if they really need someone, I'd most probably start asap.
I'm hoping word comes in soon before the start of the degree semester next year...give me and the office some time to look for a replacement, since I'm one of the three full-time degree lecturers and I seem to be handling a good third of the subjects available.
Now the big question: WHY?
While I'm happy with this job, I don't want to be stuck here all my life. In a way, this change will be good for my academic career and if I seriously want to consider taking up a PhD in Singapore and even teach. I need the exposure and more importantly, I need the variety. That is my main concern - the health and growth of my academic career. Staying stagnent would be less opportunities for a promotion and mayhap a slow one at that - not to mention an increased workload which isn't reflected in my pay or benefits.
Second reason? I'd like to work somewhere apart from M'sia and my retail experience for nearly a year in Australia. Why? Because it would help me in what I do - interact with people, build up my personal life experience - two of my key selling points as an educator. Did I also mention that money is an issue? It is a factor (but not an important one) and I yearn for the days when I have a good pay that allows for me to save up substantially for a PhD and even more, not just for another rainy day.
Third reason? I can be closer to NG? ^_~ No lie there. If I get a job in Singapore, it would be a plus factor for the both of us. I wouldn't have to sob my eyeballs out every weekend and throw him that question - "do you/I have to go home?". We could do more things together with the increased pay and proximity - like go for sports (I wish I could play badminton and squash with him - have no one to play with here...so my squash skills are dead and badminton is rusty as hell), holidays, dinners and sleep-overs. Stuff that other normal, non-LDR couples do on a bi-daily basis.
My parents are extremely supportive, as a matter of fact, Dad has been trying for months to get my ass out of M'sia and into another country where I'm more appreciated for the skills I have. Heh.
So lets keep our fingers crossed. The way I see it, if I don't get called, I still have this job and I'll just bid my time here until a suitable opportunity crops up.
Whoever said that end of the year was always about parties?
*goes back to being busy with work and her novel*
|W|P|110127679155524959|W|P|So excuse me...|W|Pfirstname.lastname@example.org/23/2004 11:36:00 AM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|Demain, dès l'aube by Victor Hugo
Demain, dès l'aube, à l'heure où blanchit la campagne,
Je partirai. Vois-tu, je sais que tu m'attends.
J'irai par la forêt, j'irai par la montagne.
Je ne puis demeurer loin de toi plus longtemps
Tomorrow, at sunshine, at the time when the country side is whitening,
I'll leave. You see, i know that you're expecting me.
I'll go through the forest, i'll go through the mountain.
I can't stay any longer far away from you.
...and so he says as we completed one of the dares from our game of strip poker on the way back from Krabi. I still think of it fondly and at times, it makes me turn a shade of pink, remembering the way he looked into my eyes as he uttered those words in French.
I swear, Francais is really a language of love.
I know it sounds really strange, even wrong for some to see the words 'romantic' and 'strip poker' together. But hey, what did you think would happen when you put sixteen hours in a train, a pack of cards and two lovers together? Besides, are any of us NOT guilty of romanticism despite the differing viewpoints of others on what romantic entails? *laughs* Sometimes I tell myself that romanticism doesn't have to be in the flowers or the chocolates but more in the practical things - the health of my relationship, which is frankly, good and healthy.
I'm happy; he's happy; we both love each other...and a little bit of fun never hurt anyone, especially a growing relationship.
|W|P|110118366936206637|W|P|A love poem|W|Pemail@example.com/21/2004 11:58:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|I spent the weekend a little bit down under - not quite there but it's still down - in good ole' Singapore helping NG move into his new place.
Gone is his apartment now; he exchanged all that for a nice room with a Chinese (from China) family. They are a nice bunch of folk and he has a good deal living with them - sharing utilities, kitchen and he has a bathroom to himself, plus his room comes with a queen size bed, wardrobe, fan, air-con, a chair and two dressers.
And so we began the task of moving his increased-property - from two bags to two cabs - to his quaint little room. We had two of his friends help us with the bags, computer boxes and what-nots. But later on, it was just me and NG plus a rather messy room. We rearrange the furniture to give him more space and went back to his old place to get the rest of the kitchen and what-nots. After dinner and the purchase of some goods (desk, cutleries, etc) including my belated present (which was a stunner coz it costs him so much money and I still flush red thinking about it), we spent a good part of the night unpacking.
It brought back memories - helping a loved one unpack, putting up his clothes, getting everything sorted out for him. It brought back memories of getting so attached, so in love, so into him...that the mere thought of losing him just scares the living daylights out of me. For a while, I forgot about it - how could I remember, with the task of emptying bags and deciding where to put what...plus unwrapping that present NG brought and using it.
It came back the next day...as I slept in his arms, pondering on the future state of my relationship. It has been two months, getting close to three - I'm not counting, but for the sake of new visitors... - and I can't help but wonder what would happen if it all ends tomorrow. My mind never ceases thinking when it picks its favourite topic and dwells on it. Our differences, the way we look at things...I see a few holes here and there - fixable, do-able, compromise-able - but I wondered this weekend, if there was a point to loving someone so much and it never works out in the end.
I know I shouldn't dwell on hypothetical stuff. I know I shouldn't dwell on the negative bits. I know I shouldn't even think about breaking up when it looks as if we are so happy together.
Then again, can I believe in that happiness? For a while, I felt as if falling in love is a risk that I cannot afford to take. As if loving him was not worth the pain or anguish of the possibility of a break-up. As if I wasn't worth the risk.
And then I look at him and I get lost in his eyes. I get distracted. And I forget my own ruminations.
Now that I don't have him here to look at him, it comes back to haunt me.
I miss him.
How do you love when you don't even know where love will lead you? Is it the end that counts or the journey?
...I need sleep.
Bonne nuit, folks!
|W|P|110105396927058599|W|P|Ruminations...|W|Pfirstname.lastname@example.org/18/2004 10:50:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|*breaks out the bubbly to celebrate*
At the moment the word count is growing because I have yet to finish the story - am working on the last chapter, which is the epilogue. Somehow in the last two chapters, I managed to turn my story upside down and added in a few twists here and there. I even incorporate this hot looking purple haired male android named Dee.
Now to finish it, then edit it and get it ready for chapbook making as Christmas pressies.
*gets drunk on bubbly*
[UPDATE] The Star is doing a coverage on NaNoWriMo this year and the article is coming out on 21st November, 2004 in the Weekend Section, I think. Three people were chosen this year out of six (the original piece) and it ain't me. T_T O'well...lets hope there is a part two or even one more for next year...
|W|P|110078982459010878|W|P|I FINISHED IT!!!!|W|Pemail@example.com/10/2004 10:30:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|More specifically...
HAPPY DEEPAVALI and SELAMAT HARI RAYA!!!!!
*goes off on her little break but continues typing with an extremely nifty tool generously on loan from one of the NaNo writers*
ps: Do pray for my safety and that of NG plus his friend as we travel from Hatyai to Krabi. *keeps fingers crossed*|W|P|110009714109774709|W|P|HAPPY HOLIDAYS!|W|Pfirstname.lastname@example.org/04/2004 10:49:00 AM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|So yeah, Bush is President of USA for another four years - can't understand why some* people here are complaining about it when they don't pay American taxes, aren't American citizens, aren't the people whom Bush is accountable to, don't live in the country, hell, some don't even exercise their own M'sian right to vote for their government of choice...
The Americans voted based on a few things (just like any other citizen of a country would - you vote based on character, skills, record of service, future plans, etc) and not just the bad stuff we seem to think every time someone mentions the word 'bush'.
Hell, I too don't like the fact that he is President for many reasons but it's none of my goddamn business. He's not the leader of my country. He is not the one who dictates how much I should pay for taxes a year, or the direction of the education system in my country or the policies to which I will undoubtedly have the right to question time and time again. Sure his foreign policies will affect me indirectly but Bush does not answer to me. Why? Because I am not a citizen of American. I don't pay his salary. He owes me nothing. I am not part of his family.
My opinions just don't matter where he's concerned. I'm just another foriegner to him. I can understand how frustrated people feel but what can you do? Especially to those who go around accusing Americans of being stupid for voting Bush: we never like it when other people tell us how to teach our kids or how to run our household. Why should we do the same to others? (referring to a comment made by our esteemed leaders months ago - Najib if I ain't mistaken)
Come on people, MOVE ON! At least he'll only be president for four years and that's it! That's my consolation to the entire matter.
In the meantime, I hope the Alaskan Wildlife Reserve stays intact. ~_~
* Certain words have been bold to highlight the fact that the author is refering to a general few and not all Malaysians.
Having said my piece/peace, I'm glad to note that I'm doing GREAT for NaNoWriMo.
If you look at that percentage clock on the right, I've hit 15K in three days, which is a huge achievement personally for me - because I get distracted/swamped with work and I have little time for writing. My writer's block has officially gone, so I can't use that as an excuse anymore. ^_^ The story has not changed much, even with the addition of new bits here and there.
Currently I'm on the fourth chapter and going strong. Wish me luck!
*runs off to do more writing*
And oh, I'm taking NG out for tapas this weekend when he comes to visit...and we'll be discussing where to go for Christmas/New Year. WOOHOOOO!
|W|P|109954387541207100|W|P|I'm stil alive!|W|Pemail@example.com/02/2004 05:39:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT:
the scarfer is going on a slowdown this month due to complications with juggling NaNoWriMo, personal life as well as work. Do check in periodically to keep updated with some entertaining bits of her life. Until then, be safe and don't do anything that I would do! ^_~
(back to scheduled programming)
Current word count: 7214 (14%)
NaNoWriMo is going great so far despite my initial worries about not being able to make it for the 50K. I actually am beginning to think that I *am* going to make the mark this year. I am quite roaring to go about it. Having that percentage clock on my right helps as well.
I have a target of minimum 3K to reach each day after taking into consideration that I'll be away from my computer for around 10 days, including the weekends when NG comes up to visit.
The story has progressed rather well so far and I like how my main character is beginning to develop. I am forming a bond with some of my characters; I hate some; I love some and I think that is just wonderful if you want to write something. I have often believe in writing what you know and loving what you write.
I just hope that the finish product will live up to my expectations.
At the rate I am going with NNWM and other stuff, I'm looking at nearly 200 assignments to go through, a final paper to set, and by the end of November, nearly 70 exam scripts to mark as well. Luckily the degree program is ending soon and that means more time to write, as well as prepare for the diploma stuff-ies.
On NG and me
For those of you out there who are beginning to smell wedding bells and what-nots, IT IS NOT HAPPENING la. Aiyo! It was just talk...fun talk. ^_^
Anyway, this weekend, I'm taking him out for dinner at La Bodega, Bangsar and treating him to a couple of home-cooked meals (including his favourite dessert - no it's not me - get your head out of the gutter!) for the lunches as well. I am considering going for a movie somewhere nearby - GSC is good because it is easier and more comfy to cuddle - but the next best alternative is to do a movie at home. We just want to take it easy.
The regular evening walks will be in, of course, plus the cuddling...maybe I'll get a few drinks in Bangsar...but nope, I'm driving. So there...just food, movie, and some quality time together.
That should be easy enough.
(end of programming)
ps: Sorry. Ran out of creative juices - NNWM squeezed me dry of it.
|W|P|109938932270205337|W|P|Just a word up for some of you out there...|W|Pfirstname.lastname@example.org/01/2004 11:26:00 AM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|On NaNoWriMo
As you can see on the right, I have a NNWM clock/counter which details the progress that I'm making. And as you can see clearly, I'm not doing much. While I'm busy writing out bits and pieces to my story (the prologue is up here), I have come to realize that like last year, I might not be able to finish it on time. It would seem that my holiday plans (am going away for about a week during Raya), NG's weekend-weekly visits and work will put a damper and constrain to resources that are quite limited already. I can only hope (and perhaps put in a little prayer) that I will be able to make it by end of November.
Although I do have problems coming to terms with writing just about anything and everything without considering quality issues. ~_~
On the weekend
Well, like most weekends, which can be predicted now in advance thanks to this, I spent a small part of yesterday evening crying - this time in his arms. I know most men hate the sight of a woman crying, more so a loved one but NG seems to think of it as both good and bad. Good because it is a sign that I care about him heaps, and bad because it makes him feel bad? I don't know; didn't really catch the last bit because his voice was drowned out by my tears. Throughout the evening, he made a few attempts to cheer me up by 1) twirling me around in an attempted dance (try dancing to no music!) and 2) by carrying me around.
In case you were wondering how we managed to do that with him staying over at my place, well, let me say this: my parents were out shopping! Yes, it has become another routine that he stays over during the weekends, that he has a couple of beers with Dad, that Mum goes into her cooking frenzy then, and get this: that I take a catnap with NG beside me (doing a nap as well) in the living hall with my parents napping on the counch on Sundays. It's cute.
What made this weekend really odd was that during one of our conversations, we started talking about marriage and weddings. That was in the late afternoon, while sitting outside on my swing and feeling the breeze. Later it was a talk about when to get married when one of my neighbours popped by for a visit (and they started the conversation - I was outside, swinging away AND feeding mozzies*). The next day, after my cousin dropped by with his sister's full moon stuffies - she had twin girls - Mum casually remarked to NG that I might possibly have twin babies.
Anyway, one thing is for sure - even thinking about getting married and how to go about having the wedding of your life is a bloody headache. For fun, we estimated how many of NG's relatives would have to fly down to KL.
At first, I thought of having two weddings - one in France and one in KL. Discovered that I would have to speak French eloquently and that the minister won't be so pleased if the only word I knew how to say properly was "Oui? (Yes?)".
So yeah, we settled for a wedding here and upon doing the calculations, we roughly estimated about five tables just for NG's side of the family. That is excluding his workmates from Singapore and a host of other people that he might meet in the future.
We never got around to thinking about my side of the family OR the honeymoon because it was just driving us crazy by then - I think he's entertaining the idea just to indulge me! Heh.
Even though I hate to admit it, but I kind of like the fact that he *does* seriously think about marriage and starting a family. Maybe it is because we are both of that age where the next step is not so much a career but establishing a little family unit of our own - with or without children.
He makes me happy. Just being with him makes me happy. I think back to the little gestures over this weekend and I feel peaceful...and so...happy, short of sounding like a broken recorder. Even during our Monopoly games, our little walks...I love how we stop for kisses, his arms wrapped around me, and us kissing in the middle of the little backlanes during the late evenings...it's so romantic...even during watching movies, the way we cuddle, how he plays with my toes, how he nips my neck...it just never stops.
He makes me really happy and contented.
Dad asked me recently if I was really serious about NG and that since he was a nice guy and what-not, I shouldn't fool around with his feelings and etc. I turned red. When I told NG, he laughed.
Of course I'm serious!
Trust my parents to make everything feel so funnily ackward.
* Oz slang for moisquitos.