12/28/2004 11:26:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|Have decided to claim my Christmas present from NG and therefore will be doing so from tomorrow until 8th January. So the blog will be a little bit quiet - actually, VERY. Do drop by after the 9th January, once I've settled back home again.
What am I doing? Where am I going? I'll be travelling - all expenses paid by the lovely boyfriend - to Chiangmai, Mae Hong Son and the surrounding areas.
In the meantime, you guys have fun and HAPPY NEW YEAR in advance to all!!!!
|W|P|110424780148673699|W|P|Away.|W|Pemail@example.com/28/2004 09:02:00 AM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|Now that the storm has subside - so to speak - and the remnents of nature's anger slowly revealing itself, one can only hope (and pray earnestly) that the afterkillers do not strike.
As with every major natural disasters, infrastructures that were already weak or nearly non-existent to begin with will always be the first to go. Power lines, telecommunications and in some instances, even water processing plants. It may take days...weeks for governments to reset, rebuild and redesign these key components of a modern society.
Looking at reports funneling in from CNN, and BBC last night, something griped me. I could not image how it was possible to clean up the debris - reminders of the Tsunami's fury - in countries that have been hit worst. Countries like Sri Lanka, Thailand, India and the islands along the Bay of Bengal. Reports mentioned how the waves had knocked out power supply to many small villages and towns; how the waves had washed debris, cars, furniture...even pieces of buildings and humans only to stack them on top of one another (in any order); how the waves wiped out means of communicating to the outside world...how it even nearly levelled a little town called Acheh.
I prayed and hoped that I would be wrong. I prayed and hoped for support. Come on folks, it's Christmas...the holiday season. Even if you can't give financially, give a prayer?
Italy, UK and the US were the first to provide us with aid, according to Dad - he would know; after all he took the day off and spend it mostly glue in front of the TV, catching up with the updates on the incident. I was surprised - Italy?!?? Grazi! Australia put aside 10M to assist Tsunami victims and casualties. They were the first to assist the Indonesians. The European Union? 4M. The US? Worldwide, they promised "all appropriate assistance" - no money, never mind. We need doctors, planners, nurses, medicine, blankets, clothing, food...we need all the help we can get. And I speak not just for us Malaysians but others.
In the mean time, no CLEAN water. No electricity. No phone.
And lots of people in cramped places with little clean clothing in a few spared buildings (because of the mud, decaying bodies and debris).
For some of these places.
History has thought us that if we fail to notice these afterkillers, they will strike...and strike children and old folks first will they.
Cholera. Typhoid. Malaria. Denggi. Malnutrition...even Exhaustion.
Suddenly, I feel strangely lucky...and sad. Before I hit my comfortable pillow, as I turned on my fan and marvelled at the coolness of the weather, the death toll stood at 23,000 and I felt ashamed of myself. Here I was safe, with a roof over my head, clean clothes, clean drinking water, clean everything...
And somewhere out there, someone just like me probably lost his/her entire family, is sleeping in a dinky place in perhaps the only clothes he/she has on his/her back, alone, frightened and uncertain of the future.
Some say we were spared - one of the reasons why Sri Lanka was hit hardest was the pattern of the bubble created by the earthquake off Sumatera, as explained on CNN last night. We bore the least damage because the bubble created ripples that were heading towards the west (towards Sri Lanka) and not us. If it were the opposite way...
Still I pray. But I wonder - the first time in my spiritual life, I wonder to myself silently.
Is God listening to our prayers???
I hope so.
|W|P|110419669035481109|W|P|Tsunami - The afterkillers...|W|Pfirstname.lastname@example.org/27/2004 03:16:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|UPDATE: Found out that the ex's sister is going ballistics trying to get hold of her parents who are in Selangor but make the habit of travelling up to Penang coz they have relatives there. Don't think they are there though because the ex is online - and went offline when I asked him how he was holding up. Sent a short email telling them not to worry and hope for the best. Wonder how they will react to it. O'well...just doing my part...as a good person. A person who is going through the same as well. *sighs*
UPDATE II: For people who are wondering why our government issued no warning...
Many cities around the Pacific, notably in Japan but also in Hawaii, have warning systems and evacuation procedures in the event of a serious tsunami. Tsunamis are predicted by various seismologic institutes around the world and their progress monitored by satellites. Rudimentary warning systems were developed in the wake of the April 1, 1946 and May 23, 1960 tsunamis which caused massive devastation in Hilo, Hawaii.
One system for providing tsunami warning is the CREST Project (Consolidated Reporting of Earthquakes and Tsunamis) implemented on the West coast (Cascadia), Alaska, and Hawaii of the United States by the USGS, NOAA, the Pacific Northwest Seismograph Network, and three other university seismic networks.
Tsunami prediction remains an imperfect science. Although the epicenter of a large underwater quake and the probable tsunami arrival times can be quickly calculated, it is almost always impossible to know whether massive underwater ground shifts have occurred, resulting in tsunami waves. As a result, false alarms are usually the rule.
No system can protect against a sudden tsunami. A devastating tsunami occurred off the coast of Hokkaido in Japan as a result of an earthquake on July 12, 1993. As a result, 202 people on the small island of Okushiri lost their lives, and hundreds more were missing or injured. This tsunami struck just three to five minutes after the quake and most victims were caught while fleeing for higher grounds and secure places after surviving the earthquake.For more information, go here. On an unrelated note, Wikipedia is excellent source for general knowledge on things like this. There is also a current and constant update of information on this event.
Btw, a tsunami IS NOT a tidal wave. I wish our media (and people) would stop calling it that. Tidal waves and tsunamis are completely different and unrelated.
The term tidal wave is sometimes incorrectly used in place of tsunami but the two are different and in scientific usage tsunamis are not related to tides.So much for accuracy.
UPDATE III: My family is one of the few lucky ones out there that came away with no casualities. My condolences to the rest who weren't so fortunate. The heart feels heavy as I'm still awaiting news and wondering how my friends in other places are doing. Been trying to contact close friends who have relatives in Penang to see how they are holding up. So far, no casualties but that could change. Another reminder of how vulnerable we are, I suppose.
I have other things running through my mind but that's the least of my problems. For now, my prayers and hopes for the best to people awaiting news from loved ones all around Asia.
ps: I have taken the liberty of going through the comments and editing them. To those affected, my sincere apologies but I will NOT tolerate vulgarity OR lack of civility (and consideration) on my blog. Say what you want, holler and yell "free speech" but even "free speech" has its limits bound by decency and respect.
|W|P|110413201057784982|W|P|Tsunami - Updates|W|Pemail@example.com/27/2004 09:49:00 AM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|Otherwise known as "harbour wave" in Japanese. Misconceptions of this natural event have linked it to words like "tidal wave" or even "seismic wave"...but if we look deeper, tsunamis are unrelated to tides and can be caused by a non-seismic event like a landslide or a meteorite impact, as explained here. More information here.
So what prompted this research? Not much except for the close call many of us went through - even those living far away from the effect areas of Thailand, Sri Lanka, Maldives (I have a few friends living there, I wonder if they are okay - particular this guy friend of mine who loves surfing!), Indonesia and a few islands sprinkled here and there around this Asian region.
It was a quiet Sunday post-Christmas morning and suddenly, closer to home, up North, we find death, horror and anguish awaiting those who had intended for nothing more but a quiet and mayhap enjoyable holiday season. *sigh* I suppose this is what life really is. One minute you could be sipping a drink or two along the beach, watching your children play by the shore, another minute, you could have been screaming, perhaps rooted to the ground, watching your life pass you by.
We are such fallible creatures, unable to peep into the future or control our destinies.
Even for one such as myself who is away typing in her office, enjoy a hot cup of tea and the quiet of a working Monday morning.
To think...how the decisions we make has the ability to change the course of our lives. The decision to go up to Thailand a week later instead of during Christmas. The decision to go to Krabi a month earlier instead of December. The decision to take the job and stay in KL instead of moving to Penang. If I had change any of those decisions, perhaps it would have been me trying to survive out there. Perhaps it would have been my parents frantically searching for answers as to my wellbeing. Perhaps it would have been my tomb.
Instead it was the tomb, death incarnate for thousands/hundreds out there....and for a good many, a possibility.
Penang. My home town. I have relatives there. My uncle who recently got married - in November - my grandaunts...my uncles...my cousins...they live near Batu Ferranghi and other parts of the beach...shyet, my uncle's house is just in front of the beach. I wonder if I lost anyone. Need to call Dad...heck, *I* need to call granduncle and check if they are okay. Gack.
Maldives. I have friends there. A good friend since college - he came here to do his BA in Mass Comm and was my classmate for three good years - who loves surfing, has a pet parrot and was the editor of two English papers until he resigned in protest. I wonder if he's alright. Another friend - director and producer for most of the soaps there. They both live in Male but travel to the coastal areas a lot - heck, Maldives is a sprinkle of islands here and there. I wonder if I lost any of them. Can't get a hold of them. Communications is down in Maldives...as of last night. I wonder if the phone lines are up there...maybe I can get a hold of them online. Gack.
Indonesia. I have friends in Medan. I have know them since college years - just like my buddies above from Maldives. Is she okay? I heard she was moving to Australia but didn't know when. I hope she's alright. Where the hell did I put her email address? Gack.
I used to think that by living in a country unplagued by natural disasters, I would be safe. This weekend has shown me otherwise. It has proved to me that we are never safe no matter where we are.
Perhaps like one blogger said, it is time we did more than just hope and pray that it doesn't happen to us because it can.
For updates, go here, here and here. Scroll down through the pages to get to the "Latest News" section for the last two links.
|W|P|110411342372007702|W|P|Tsunami.|W|Pfirstname.lastname@example.org/24/2004 09:10:00 AM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|It's Christmas eve and I am at work.
Have no idea what I'll be doing today but I reckon I'll be out early. Actually don't know why I'll leaving early since there won't be anyone at home and it'll be a quiet Christmas eve. Downloaded some stuff from CSI NY - currently my desktop at home is busy downloading bits and pieces of the first season for me - so that'll be tonight's fare, after the usual laundry and housechores. If I manage to get back early, I'll probably pop in the store to get a DVD or something.
As for Christmas? Well, am planning to go for tomorrow's church service in the morning (9:30am), run off after it to get my baking stuff and later, make some peanut/almond cookies. We'll see how it goes. I'll even have to squeeze in some packing for my trip up Northern Thailand with NG somewhere in over the weekend.
At least Boxing Day will be spent with Jen at some high-tea thingy at the Rennaissance (sp?) New World. Haven't seen her in months and miss her to death. Although dreading to meet her coz she'll start bugging me for pictures of NG - and all my pictures of him are in digital format. Gahhh.
Anyway, I put up my Christmas tree last night - after my parents left for Singapore. Was bored to death, so decided to get all dirty with the fake tree, red shiny balls and lights. Left it on all night blinking away, and it felt strangely warm - having a Christmas tree in a quiet, empty house. Having said that, I don't feel like mingling with my brother's in-laws. He asked me to go down with him and my sis-in-law but I declined on the pretext of meeting up with Jen, my best buddy which I was. Besides, I never quite liked the enormity of my sis-in-law's family - so many children...and all those people. GAHHHHH! I hate crowds, remember?
Strangely enough, I am currently going through a love-hate relationship with emptiness around me. Kinda...weird.
I wonder what I should have for dinner tonight. Thinking of skipping the dinner thingy with Jen in favour of spending some quiet time alone. Hm. O'well...we'll see.
Just in case I forget...
Merry Christmas, folks and do have a good one!!!!
My Christmas tree...can you see the golden balls amongst the red ones?
|W|P|110385128371541466|W|P|Christmas Eve.|W|Pemail@example.com/23/2004 08:32:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|Suddenly...
Work is horrible.
My headaches/migraines are more frequent.
My vision is blurry.
I'm bored to death (nothing left to do at the office) (and this is not why work is horrible).
I miss NG.
He's busy with work and parties on his end.
He's going away for X'mas with his friend.
And I'm spending X'mas alone on my end (parents are going to Singapore).
It's Christmas and I'm utterly unlike myself.
I WANT NG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111
|W|P|110380536972231379|W|P|Swamped.|W|Pfirstname.lastname@example.org/22/2004 08:02:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|We exchanges pressies and after weeks of bugging him about mine, I finally got it. NG got a coffee brewer (those with filters and what-nots), cookies and some Lat comics. He gave me a little Logitech webcam - something he uses as well - over the weekend. And we got silly in front of it. Or at least me - and I dragged him along into it as well.
In deep thought...
Initial bouts of boredom...
A secret smile...
The happy ones.
Looks like I'll be having fun in front of the camera more often.
|W|P|110371695115339274|W|P|An eyeful...|W|Pemail@example.com/21/2004 02:05:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|Eight things I'm grateful for having
Objects - animated or otherwise - have made an impact in my life for the past one year. They can be big or small but one thing counts: I'm grateful for having them, especially more so if they were a gift from a loved one or bought with my hard-earned money.
Seven people I'm grateful for having contact with
It is often said that no man is an island and that who we are is a by-product of years of environment, genetics and mingling with other people. Without these people, my life would have been a lot less fun, less sweet and a lot more boring.
- My computer : Bought this desktop of mine sometime around April because my brother's laptop was constantly failing me and cracking everywhere due to overheating. Cost? Nearly RM4K plus the software and everything else. It is a simple PC - designed for my simple needs (I don't play computer games and I rarely do tagging these days) - but my baby has a flatscreen monitor and funky speakers! Not to mention I get to play DVDs with it. Planning on increasing hard-disk space and maybe get a DVD burner. ^_~
- My Nokia 6610: Traded in my rather old 3320 for this phone simply because I wanted to store all the lovey-dovey SMS messages I'd rarely get from my ex. Plus factor about this phone is that I have a radio and all the other nifty stuff! It even serves as my reminder and my alarm clock! Cost? RM600 plus.
- My bookshelf (together with all my books) : The shelf was previously used to store Dad's VCDs and tapes but since he didn't want it anymore, I took it and ohboy...it is wayyy too full today. The picture was taken when I first got it and since then, I have bought more books and crammed them all in whatever nook and cranny I could find. These days, my biggest worry is not so much the cost of books (even though it's pricey) but where I am going to store them.
- My 512MB thumbdrive : A gift from Mum in exchange for the 128MB thumbdrive that I gave to her. I have tonnes of stuff in there...from pictures of me and NG to movie files he sends to me on a regular basis. I use it for my lectures and frankly, I can't survive without it!
- The trusty IKEA table lamp (not the picture of my lamp but y'know how much I love IKEA!) : A gift from one of my students and made with frosted glass. Pretty strong compared to my old lamp from the same place. So to tone down the brightness, I wrapped some tissue wrapping paper around it, just to give it a warm glow. But all in all, I love it!
- Mum's 1997 Wira : It's duck shit green in colour (gap cheang - in Cantonese), it's old but it's better than no car. The tape player/radio used to work great until Dad took it apart, put it back together and it fell apart again. These days, the controls is just tied up to the main deck. What I like about this car? Gives me loads of space and it doesn't eat up much petrol for a medium sized car. AND no problems! Yup. Seven years and counting and still no problems. ^_^
- My brand new spanky webcam : A X'mas gift from mon cheri since I did bring up how I was thinking of getting a webcam so it'd be easier to talk to him these days. Got it this Saturday and was trying it out with him yesterday. Must say that it adds a little spark of something more into our communications now. Can't wait to use it again tonight or for the rest of the week until I meet him again for our pre-New Year trip! *excitement*
- My bagpack from Australia : I brought it for less than AUSD50 and it has been with me all over Australia and now? It doubles as a shoulder bag and a bagpack as well. Rather nifty since you can hide either straps whenever you're using it as one of the two functions outlined. Load? Well, I've carried 11kg in it when I used it to go to Melbourne for two weeks. Dunno about the other holidays but it's tough and long-lasting! Thailand, M'sia and hopefully a few more places. One of my first symbols of independent travel - that is to say, without my parents. It is a representation of who I had become while I was in Australia and who I am today. Funny how a bagpack can say so much about one person.
And the list grows shorter!
The countdown to a new beginning - Part I
The countdown to a new beginning - Part II
The countdown to a new beginning - Part IV
|W|P|110354441079375092|W|P|The countdown to a new beginning - Part III|W|Pfirstname.lastname@example.org/20/2004 08:18:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|Nine people I wish I stick up to
I know I should never live my life with regrets but sometimes, every so often, I look back into the past and wished for things. Especially for the people who have come and gone without me giving them a piece of my mind. I have been almost a doormat since my days in school and college - so much so that people have often taken advantage of my 'nice-ness'. Gah.
- Jen : My best buddy. Always there, always fun, always her good ole' self even though she's always busy too! Love her heaps!
- NG and his friends : His friends are wacky, fun and very much like him (at least some of them!). Though they are a small bunch...well, so is my circle of friends - small and if you ask me, we're close in our own way. In a short span of time, I have come to consider NG as my best buddy...even though we are different in some ways (but it's okay) and his friends as mine (even though they piss me off sometimes!).
- My students : Some of them are my close friends; others are really fun. The ones whom I consider as friends - well, you know who you are. Just don't overstep your boundaries, ar!
- Fellow bloggers (and readers) : Yes, you guys make it great for me. New experiences, new people, new insights, new lives to learn from, to follow, to avoid...you know what I mean. All in all, despite it being an online thing mostly, meeting up with you guys was one of the best experiences for my blogging life. It's nice to know that there are some querky ones out there as well!
- NaNoWriMo : Similarly to bloggers, this group of people are one of the literary ones - and it turns out that the world IS really small. Met a forum friend there and well, it's good exposure for me because of the varied experiences and obstacles faced by other M'sian writers. One of the more talented group of people I have ever had the priviledge of knowing.
- Colleagues : I am going to spent most of my life at the workplace and my colleagues have to be a fun bunch. And they are! Work is often laced with giggles despite some complaints here and there as well as a few brushes of doom! But y'know what...it's one of the reasons why I'm still around.
- Sam : She is my ex's sister's best friend. At first we started on the wrong foot and had an uber huge argument but today we are friends. We talk fine and occassionally she vents to me - which is the least I can do since she is in Canada and I'm in M'sia. She is very much the matured one compared to her best friend and I see a lot of myself - the good bits - mirrored in her. Very lovely independent matured girl. And I see loads of potential in her.
ps: My relationship with my ex was not only with him but with another two people - his sister and his best friend. Kinda crowded if you asked me. It often felt as if I was going out with them and not him because they seemed to be pulling the shots ALL the time. Funny thing was this: each (the sister and the best friend) thought each other to be really f**ked up individuals. Geh. Have this idea that the ex and the people he surrounds himself with ALL THE TIME are dysfunctional individuals.
The countdown to a new beginning - Part I
The countdown to a new beginning - Part III
The countdown to a new beginning - Part IV
|W|P|110353149765363280|W|P|The countdown to a new beginning - Part II|W|Pemail@example.com/20/2004 03:57:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|Wow! Ten days left to New Year as someone pointed out. So I thought I do a little countdown of my own...to mark the end of this year and the beginning of another. Mayhap it will lead me to some ruminations of my own and realizations of a few things I had missed out in the earlier months of this rather interesting and varied year.
Ten memorable incidents
Characterized by incidents that left me either in awe, bewilderment, sadness and the many emotions which we all go through. But what remains the same with every incident is the lessons which were learnt from it. Some are accurately dated, others are just general months in which these happenings occured...
- WSM : We went to the same school - as kids and then as teens. I have often felt that she disliked me because I was one of the more popular guys' best friend. Yes, when I was a kid, my best friends were all guys. She was particularly enamoured with one guy and used to chase me around the entire school. Later as we grew up, she teamed up with LLY and made my life quite horrible during my early secondary school years - spreading rumours and all that shit. Today, I don't really dislike her. We are alright now but I had wished many a times then that I stood up to her and told her off.
- LLY : Read the above. We were secondary schoolmates for three years and she used to be my mail messenger to this guy who was my best friend in primary school. Later, I found out from the guy that she had been secret reading his mail as well as mine. When I confronted her, she actually denied it and worse, said that I was asking for it. She even spread rumours together with WSM about me and this guy friend of mine. Gah. Last I heard was that her entire family emigrated to Hong Kong. Definitely not one of my favourite people in school.
- GES : Bumped into her lately while I was in 1U with NG. We were friends in secondary school for three long years. While everyone else warned me about her, I continue to stick beside her. Then she was one dysfunctional girl - always trying to steal the boys we liked (considering that she was quite frumpy then), extremely flirtatious and has this tendency to embarass the guys she is with by screaming their names on the top of her voice in public. Last straw was when she came to me for advice and then told other people that I had scolded her without reason. A few years later, we happened to chat over ICQ and she started bragging about how she lost her virginity, asked why I refused to date her boyfriend then (I hate smokers and lazy buggers - he smokes like a chimney and is a college drop-out if I ain't mistaken) and about how much weight she lost. In NG's words, "she looks fat".
- Kev : My first ex. Dropped me two weeks before my 21st birthday only to date his best friend. -.- Practically used me as a stepping stone for his now non-existent modelling/acting career. Called my parents names because they said he had little education and ambition.
- JGSY : The ex's sister. Tried to get to know her. Brought her a AUSD76 fleece jacket for a going-away-to-Canada gift, talked to her when she came to visit her brother and knitted her a scarf for Christmas only to have her accuse me of not trying to befriend her (she refused to talk to me and spends more time on the Internet then interacting with people). Later she made public journal entries about how unfair it was of me to complained that her brother ditched me to spend all his free time with her, that it was my fault that they were no longer as close as she wanted them to be...I kept my silence and she continued on later, even after my break-up with her brother. Blamed me for his insecurities, even told me that I had no right to demand closure from her brother, that I had no right to talk to him after our break-up. Suspect that she never liked me in the first place because of her own insecurities about her life. Today, she had accused me of cyber stalking her, of keeping tabs on her...*shakes head*...as if I have that much time on my hands.
- RGSS : The ex. Enough said. The nitwit sent my original CSI box-set DVDs together with Salman Rushdie's Satanic Verses and in an uninsured box - thus Customs consficated it. When I confronted him, he went "Really?!? I didn't know that would happen." Later decided candidly to blame me for all his failings and insecurities in life. And later somemore when he failed to do certain polite things only to have me tell him off, he'd go "You're being patronizing" but when the sister says the exact same thing, she's correct. I'm always wrong.
- JC : The ex's best friend. Introduced us both and spent most of her time not trying to get to know me but trying to find out my plans for the future, whether I have my ex in mind when I'm making those plans. Accused me of being clingy, jealous and insecure after my ex took me out to this club (he used to keep her company during her clubbing trips until six months to one year prior to meeting me - he took me out one night and everyone remarked how it was because of me...). That night at the club, she kept giving me the dagger stare and dirty danced with my ex in front of me. Later, she blows hot and cold - and tries to interfere in my relationship with my ex. Even told me that my ex was unhappy with me and that I am to blame for his failure to stick up for himself. Eventually I found out that she never liked me (she told me herself) but refused to tell me why. Confided in my ex and he broke off ties with her even though I didn't want him to - only to later throw it back into my face - "I hope you never make me lose any more friends". Less than a month after our breakup, she flew to Australia to visit my ex and it was then that I found out that he had always been in love with her. Grr. I have never spoken to her since that time and frankly if I do, I will never have anything good to say to her.
- YK : The fanatical Christian friend from college.
- TJH : I used to think that I could love him. Turned out that he lied to me and abused my trust. For a few short months, my life was a living hell - I missed my period and my job was nearly on the line because this nitwit had lied to his wife about me and had me think that she was the ex-girlfriend who went neurotic. Turned out that he had even lied to me the first time we met - the wife and him were dating then. Since that fateful few months, I never could really trust a man...until now. I wished I had stood up to this prick and called him out for what he really was.
So there you have it...ten incidents that changed little bits of my life. I cannot deny it. Good or bad, they had an impact. Tomorrow (and mayhap tonight) the continuation!
The countdown to a new beginning - Part II
The countdown to a new beginning - Part III
The countdown to a new beginning - Part IV
|W|P|110353206035306938|W|P|The countdown to a new beginning - Part I|W|Pfirstname.lastname@example.org/19/2004 10:39:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|Humans seem to be well-bestowed with this innate capability. I guess it makes us quite unique and 'human' to do so - that is, to shed tears. Little tiny drops of salt (and a miss-mash of other stuff) excreted from this little gland nesting right next to your eyeballs. But while we all have this 'capability', a rare few of us are more prone to shedding tears easily at any occasion. NOTE: The key word here is 'easily'.
I am one of those few. I have been known - for lack of better terms - as a crybaby. Urk. Always hated the way this word sounded as I rolled it out of my lips. But yes, I have this propensity to shed tears easily but of course not 24-7 or without good reason. It would appear that the shape of my eyes tells the story of one who sheds tears more easily than others. Good or bad, unfortunately it doesn't say.
Now just some examples: I cried when I watched The Phantom of the Opera this weekend, I cried during an orgasm, I cried when NG got annoyed at me plucking his pimples, I cried when I got miffed at him, I cried when I thought of how I missed him...
I cried a lot in our relationship...good and bad tears. NG sometimes asked why I cried - especially if I had no REAL reason to shed a good load of tears or even a trickle of a few drops of tears. Sometimes I just smile and snuggle in his arms, other times I just cry even more causing him to burst out into fits of consternation.
But mostly, I cry because I don't know how to say what I feel to him. I don't know how to tell him that it aches inside whenever he isn't around; I don't know how to tell him that I love him more than he can ever imagine; I don't know how to tell him that he makes me more happy than pissy or upset; I don't know how to tell him that I really want to be a good girlfriend and that I really want to make him happy; I don't know how to tell him that sometimes I'm just so annoyed at him (and myself) for a few reasons but not everything. I just don't know...
Funny. Me. The talkative one in the family. The writer. And I can't even expressed my true inner feelings towards my boyfriend.
All I know is that I love him...and that I hope he loves me and is happy as well. I love him for all the little quirks he has - teasing me the French way, how lazy he gets sometimes, the way he nibbles away at his thumb (urk but these days, I go into a "CHERI!" teasingly...), how he loves to disturb me with kisses when I washing dishes/cooking/baking...
I know he loves me but does...he really love me? Sometimes when I look into his eyes, I get so frightened to love him more than I already have for fear of things just collapsing into the past; to reveal more of my emotions than he already needs to know. And then when we make love, I shed a little tear because it starts to feel like tiny bit of heaven and hell.
To choose. To risk. To love.
Funny how the whole universe could be mirrored in a single teardrop.
|W|P|110346628089341292|W|P|Tears.|W|Pemail@example.com/16/2004 09:35:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|Sometimes I wonder if people reminisce about the past and regret their actions. Sometimes I wonder if people ever wished they had behaved differently. Said things differently...even thought differently.
Sometimes I wonder if karma really does exists - if a good turn deserves another; if a bad turn deserves another. My ex-boyfriend seems to think that it does exist. He attributes his self-esteem and shitty stuff that he has to deal with as bad karma...for the way he treated me in the past. He can't seem to reconcile himself to the past - or so it seemed when I last spoke to him civilly. His sister? Quite a contrast. Despite her cruel words to me - "stalker" "stupid" "attention seeking histronic" "idiot" - she is adamant that she did nothing wrong. I had often wanted to civilly close things between the two of us simply because I felt it was the only proper thing to do - bury the hatchet and move on with our separate lives instead of leaving things to its own devices. I myself can only think of that as the only reason and nothing else.
But how do you bury the hatchet with someone who just doesn't want to do the same, OR see that they have been in the wrong as well?
It is at times like this that I sometimes wonder if people do have a conscience. She is sick now - has been for the past few days (had a fever and fainted from it during the weekend) and I wonder if this is bad karma. She has been having boyfriend problems (her relationship is not even close to the six-month mark and they have had HUGE fights - and I mean huge) and I wonder if this is bad karma. Bad karma staking up against her - for treating her best friend (my friend as well) and people around her including her parents like shit.
And when I look back at my past, I wonder if my former relationship was bad karmic payment for all the wrong I have done in my life. I wonder if I was a blessing for my partner or the opposite, that is to say that he was the bane of my existence. All I remembered was feeling utterly hurt at the betrayal committed by my then-partner - a sin that I never wanted anyone, even myself, to feel. And yet I went through it. Wonder I did.
Was it bad karma?
I don't think most of you know the details of my previous love affair with the ex. So to amuse you guys who are new to this page, I managed to dig it out from my archives. Reading it sometimes helps put certain things into perspective for me. I don't think many people have read it simply because there aren't any comments on it. :p O'well...those were the days when my little ole' blog was a pretty quiet place.
But going back to the topic...
My previous love affair was the worst so far...I never felt so short-changed, so stupid...and just so utterly pitiful. I wonder how could I have stayed so long with him. The only excuse I could come up with was that we were both lonely and in Australia. That all we had was each other. I mean who else was there...considering that he was an introvert and I? I had no real friends while I was in Australia save for a few people and I was closest to my ex than anyone else then. It's so sad...and reeking of bad karma.
Probably it was. For what, I still have yet to find out.
Maybe as payback for sticking up to that 'friend' who kept telling everyone that I was always scolding her when she came to me for advice. Probably payback for pissing my parents off. Maybe it was payback for trying to stick up for myself. Maybe it was just karmic retribution for all the wrong I did in my life - even though it doesn't seem like a wrong to me.
Well...sometimes I wonder if good karma is when someone great comes into your life, or when something wonderful happens to you. Good karma is payback for what though? Being me?
My thoughts are strangely disjointed tonight. They always are when I reminisce about the past, when I reminisce about how pitiful I got when I went out with my ex...how someone so confident and happy like myself could become so blindly and foolishly dependent on a man. How I nearly went schizo...began to see purple skies (or some shit like that - can barely remember the details) (even then, his sister says that it's because I am mad to begin with...), how he verbally abused me...how it was such a degrading relationship...
When I think about it, I get frightened. Frightened of a repeat. Frightened of a washover of bad and good karmaic incidents.
I just wish they come with warning signs.|W|P|110320414921622552|W|P|Sometimes...|W|Pfirstname.lastname@example.org/14/2004 11:35:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|You know something?
I can never stop thinking. Yup. My mind is always at work. Trying to figure out people, things, stuff I read about (or hear about)...heck, that machine upstairs is always busy, busy, busy. Even as I drift off to sleep, I'm busy thinking. Darnit.
So how does one empty one's mind of thoughts?
Or better still...what do you think about?
Me? Lets see...
I ruminate about work.
What am I teaching next semester? What should I do for tutorials? Why hasn't M emailed me back about my study guides? Why is R pushing all her work to everyone else? Should I take the new position without an increase to my pay? Should I continue staying? How many files should I ask for? What should I prepare for classes next semester? What will the students be like? Hm. What about my individual targets? Shyet. I still have yet to come up with a suitable PhD topic.
There are people.
What's J up to? Is she good? I wonder if she has gotten herself a boyfriend. I miss hanging out with her - always busy that girl. Luckily we still SMS each other. Speaking of which, I have to invite her for high-tea. Hm. Should I meet up with the old gang from high school? Still remember their vehement thoughts on pre-marital sex. I'll probably be the blacksheep among them anyway. Heh. Haven't heard from the ex in three days. Last I heard was that his sister made all her journal entries private. "Hibbie jibbies because you know more about her than I do" says my ex, the brother. Don't strangers read your journal too? Funny how some people are. Never mind. Have less time to go around reading blogs these days.
Sometimes NG pops into the picture as well.
Is he alright? I hope he's doing okay. I hate it when he's busy. Nah. Not because I want to talk to him but because too busy isn't good sometimes. Then again, once in a while whenever I'm too bored, I get annoyed that he's busy. It's not an important thing. I'm busy too...well...most of the time these days. I miss him. I wish I could go to HK with him for X'mas. Stupid me has no money. I suppose I'll just miss him while he's away, hope he has a good time and pray that he doesn't forget to get me something. *smiles to herself* He's such a cutie. Sometimes I wish I was in Singapore. I could spend more time with him. Then again, I don't know if it would be a good thing. Things started to go downhill with the ex after we spent heaps of time together - I've always seen it as my fault. O'well...things will be different this time. I know. I love him.
And then...there is the issue of 'other issues'...
Gawd...I'm putting on weight. Grrrr. And I desperately need some new clothes. Why the hell am I getting 0.9 months of bonus and 5% increment? I so want to leave. I feel utterly unappreciated and almost demotivated to work. OH. The move is tomorrow. Can't wait to move into the new office. Maybe a new environment might cheer me up. Then again...bah. I hope my raise will be a substaintial one...if it happens that is. I wish someone would just write to management and tell them off about devaluing good staff - hey, it just isn't me who wants to leave, y'know. Bah.
Hm. So yeah. Those are my thoughts...for now that is. Can never put down everything at once time. The price of thinking TOO much.
I'm sleepy now and mon cheri isn't online. Bleh. O'well...tomorrow then.
What are you thinking now?
Do let me know. Until then...bonne nuit.
[UPDATE] ps: Like the new look of the blog? The 'new' one wasn't working too good...so I resorted to a different template. I reckon this is good. ^_^ |W|P|110303532828919431|W|P|What do you think about?|W|Pemail@example.com/13/2004 07:28:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|About one and half to one month ago, my family was invited to attend a wedding - my 27 year old uncle was getting married and his dad (who is in his early 70s/late 60s) was seeing the last of his two sons become husbands! NG had not attended the older brother's wedding in November and this time, my granduncle insisted that he come along to.
And so he did.
He attended the Saturday stag night - which didn't go great because my uncle's close friends all spoke in Cantonese while being highly educated and coming from English speaking backgrounds - as well as the entire proceedings typical of Chinese weddings on Sunday morning. It felt weird for him because he didn't know anyone despite my introductions and my family is pretty homogenous with the exception of two girl cousins who married a Malay and Indian respectively. All Chinese. He was the only white-looking guy standing around. *sighs*
The wedding dinner was better, I must say. The two girl cousins in interracial marriages came and we got seated in the same table with them. Must admit that the first time seeing "Mabel Teoh + Partner" felt a little strange yet fuzzy. The fact that my parents were alright with him attending was a sign that they were quite happy/pleased with him and that they see potential as well. Just in case you are wondering, my exs have never came along with me for my relative's weddings. I went alone. Probably it was a sign that I saw it unfit to intro them because I didn't see them as life partners. Hm.
Anyway, wine and beer flowed freely and NG being French, helped himself to it - about six glasses, I think. No matter...my dad and plenty of other guests, I'm sure, drank more! ^_~ We all ended up hammered (well, my cousin-in-law did much to his wife's consternation!)...and took plenty of pictures.
Here are some of it.
*My uncle's wedding dinner at Concorde Hotel, KL. Took us quite a bit to arrive but once there, the place - must say one thing - looks utterly gorgeous. Very warm...and so cute! (Photographer: Me!)
*The wedding cake. YUM! But we didn't have any of it. We had orange flavoured fortune cookies (mine was "A financial investment will bring in more returns" - what financial investment? - and NG's was "a successful marriage is one where you fall in love over and over again with the same person"...is that a sign?). For souvenirs, we got chopsticks! Really funky ones too!!! ^_^ (Photographer: Me!)
*The main table deco - roses, twig wreath and baby tomatos! Thought it was strawberries at first, y'know. (Photographer: Me!)
*Just a pre-reception/dinner picture of some of my relatives - at least the ones that married non-Chinese men/women!
*NG, me, my cousin sister and her hubby (he's Malay!). Very nice dude and he makes good company for my Indian counsin-in-law.
*Me and mum. I think the picture would have turned out better if Dad hadn't used the flash.
*The happy couple attempting the toast thingy...I think they shot the cork into the main table! Hope it didn't hit anyone.
*The entire table...just after the yam seng - looking hammered, I must say.
*What is mum trying to say? Hm. Btw, notice all the wine glasses? *winks*
*My family together with NG - apparently my dad went around telling my granduncle this - "he's my future son-in-law!". *lol*
*One of my prettier girl cousins - actually, she's the sweetest looking among all of us. AND she is happily married and has two boys! The Indian dude is married to one of my cousins (but not her la!)
*It would seem that I'm the next in line for the aisle...been getting the "so...when's your turn, ah?" *gulp*
|W|P|110293501262491942|W|P|Uncle's wedding dinner (12/12/04)|W|Pfirstname.lastname@example.org/10/2004 11:38:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|Suddenly I had the sudden urge to put out a decent - yes, if wishlists were ever decent to begin with - X'mas wishlist for some kind soul out there who might take a pity on my fly-ridden pocket (meaning I'm broke during this festive period) and grant me a few wishes.
Suddenly I'm really hoping that all the good things I have done will reward itself in due time - though I hope it's for X'mas. I really need some good cheer right now. Kinda reminds me about how that shelter kid - I hope she likes my gift - would feel at this time of the year, though her feelings may be more intense than mine for many reasons that I cannot possibly comprehend.
So here it is...my X'mas wishlist (didn't ask for expensive stuff coz frankly, I like simple, practical and meaningful things!)...
- 3rd January 2004 - The break up with ex (known in this blog as Raymond). It was his birthday, might I add. Brought it up because I didn't want to wait for the "right moment" anymore. In a nutshell, we broke up because of irreconcilable differences. But I think deep down inside, we knew it was more than just that. We knew it was because I fell out of love with him; because he betrayed me; because our principles, direction and thoughts in/about life were just too different to find a compromise; because we were happier without each other.
- May 2004 - Went through a series of wishy-washy potential relationships (about three actually) only to find that 1) some men are alone by choice, 2) some men are addicted to work, and 3) some men love lying through their teeth. Unfortunately for me, number 3 made me swear off men for a while - that is swear off them for platonic purposes. It also lead me to the beginning of this new abode of my musings where - now that I look back at it - I was a relatively private person online then (for those few months) - no comments, no names, no pictures. And look at it now. Talk about 180 degree change.
- 17th May 2004 - The impending doom of Mum's so-called retirement. If and when Mum retires, that is when I have to start considering getting a better paying job - just to support the household income. I suppose that is why in some ways, I'm the more 'filial one' than my brother. Also Mum and Dad's 31st wedding anniversary (I think!).
- 11th September 2004 - I met him. Most people remember it as the 9/11 incident. But for me and NG, this day will be the day that we'll always remember - the day we first met in real life. Where? Pasar Seni LRT Station...after the bloggers meet. The day we first casted eyes on each other...the ackward moments of silence sometimes...and just seeing each other without ever imagining that a few weeks later, we would become lovers.
- 21st September 2004 - We became a couple officially! What else can I say? He asked and I said yes.
- October 2004 - Pak Lah's first year as Premier! Malaysia needs a firm hand and a refreshing change in the form of Pak Lah would bring us some good. I'm not at all excited crazy about this but I am keeping my hopes up for this simple, quiet and good-hearted man from the Pearl of the Orient to make things and ultimately, everyone's future different.
- 15th October 2004 - I turned twenty-five. And naturally, that brought me closer to my other goals in life (and of course, turning thirty). For the first time in my life, I spent my birthday away from home, completely alone and only with the current love of my life. It was a good birthday. One that I'll never forget.
- 1st to 30th November 2004 - The NaNoWriMo challenge. Instead of finishing it in one month (that is thirty days), I did it in eighteen. WOOOHOOO! Made the papers twice...and I even have an e-cert to prove that I did it. So what has happened to my work? Currently sleeping but will soon be revived for a thorough edit. ^_^
- 10th November 2004 - My first year as a lecturer. It has been a year now. Two semesters and still counting. I love teaching. Can't get enough of it actually. And yet, I'm hoping for more from this job in terms of expectations, salary, the works. I have so many goals and dreams to live out...and this line of work will hopefully one day bring me closer to them.
- 12th December 2004 - The first time any of my boyfriends were introduced to my entire family. NG was the first and I must say...it went rather smoothly. I happen to think that my parents are nuts about him! And I hope he'll be the last.
Told you it was simple. *winks*
Anyway...tomorrow is my 27 year old uncle's bachelor night party - he's getting married on Sunday, just about a month after his older brother tied the knot. I'm quite close to him and looking forward to it since I think my future aunt is a really kewl girl and I get along great with both aunts! The older aunt is a teacher as well...with TAR Penang. YAYYYYYY for teachs out there.
So yeah...do watch out for pictures - don't know if Nil bought his camera, I hope he did...if not, we'll settle for my dinky one.
I wish I was greedy enough to ask for a Canon Powershot A75 for X'mas...
ps: To my Secret Santa, you can email me for details as to where I'm located. ^_~
|W|P|110269428431324624|W|P|My X'mas wishlist...|W|Pemail@example.com/07/2004 10:23:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|Exams are here!
That means more papers to mark, assignments to grade, more exams to invigilate (sit down and watch people write and be a dungu as well), ANDDDDDD it also means more paperwork. Also more education exhibitions, tele-marketing, and counselling.
*goes away to scream in silence*
|W|P|110242988101259097|W|P|ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!1|W|Pfirstname.lastname@example.org/06/2004 09:39:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|Tail end of my period, as if that information matters.
I'm broke - too much travelling and eating out. Not so much spending on clothes but the travelling - ever since I met NG, I've been travelling wayyyyy too much for the comfort of my bank account. And the food too. *sighs*
It's end of the year and my bank account is nowhere near where I wanted it to be. I'm upset at myself for letting it happen.
I love my job but the environment and the pay just doesn't cut it anymore. More responsibilities, more 'costs'...my measly RM2500 (before tax and Socso) just can't feed me and my bank account, even after attempting to save - that not buy ANYTHING, not eat too much.
I applied for jobs nearly everywhere - both local and overseas (hoping to hear from Singapore). No news, even though I know that Singapore has closed applications for polytechnics for December and may recruit in June.
Another six months.
I am suppose to go up North for Christmas with NG. Everything has been paid for. I can't back out on it. Yet I feel upset at myself. NG is paying for me and I feel stupid. Hopeless. Worthless.
I'm twenty-five and I am broke - have been for the past two months.
Suddenly I hate myself for paying my own bills (phone, streamyx, sometimes the groceries), for paying the house mortgage (it's 1K every month), for wanting to be responsible for myself financially.
I just want to hide away in my room, curl up under my six year old quilt from IKEA and cry my eyeballs out.
Go away people.
|W|P|110234095166296455|W|P|Depression strikes.|W|Pemail@example.com/06/2004 03:25:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|I used to think that fighting was the bane of every relationship; that if one could help it, one would avoid touching it even with a ten foot pole. I never saw it as anything but a negative. Needless to say, in my previous relationships, when I enter the battle field or if the battle field came to me (that is to say that the fight was 'started' by someone else), I saw the end/outcome as something uncertain. Something which tainted my relationship for good.
So it wasn't unusual that I saw it as such this weekend. Now, I must profess that NG and I are just like any other normal, trying-to-rough-it-through couple despite sounding as if we are perfect for each other and all that jazz. While we love each other to bits (I'm sure he feels the same as well), we get into cramped corners and sometimes we trample on each other's toes. We were, essentially, two different people.
In the beginning, NG and I had disagreements - minor ones - about the way we do things, especially planning for holidays. He was more of a flexible, "it's okay, we can change plans last minute if it doesn't work" whereas I'm the "I like to know where we are going on what day and what time". So you see the problem? But those didn't quite hit the nail for me.
It was during our holiday trip that we somehow trampled on each other's toes big time which resulted in me locking him out of the room for about five minutes, me bawling my eyeballs out and he getting all frustrated at me. It felt that the ex and me all over again - the harsh words, the raised voices, the negativity, the "leave me alone forever" aura. It was scary. Sure we kissed and made up but that night, I didn't know what to make of the state of my relationship. I was even hesistant to be affectionate and intimate with him.
Was it healthy to have fights like that?
I never thought much about it until this weekend. Three little sessions - NG hates shopping, I like walking around in shopping malls (coz it's cool and it beats breathing in car exhaust fumes and looking at houses); NG likes to know where the bus (going to Singapore) stops, I couldn't care less; and finally NG stays sleepy for a bit and I'm an instant waker. It didn't help that I was stewing everything in from the shopping trip the night before to the next day. So the last tiff just did it for me.
And then I did something unusual. I talked about it. I told him how I felt. That while I don't like crowds, I like to go out once in a while with him. That I just didn't care where the bus stopped as long as it was in Singapore and that sometimes I felt as if he wasn't listening to me at all. I had no idea what happened over the weekend - to cause me to blab everything out to him. I used to clam up tight during fights. The only way you'd know that I was pissed is if I was really quiet and if I start crying too. I never like to say anything when I'm angry because sometimes it comes out all wrong - or so the ex tells me.
But this weekend, we talked about it...about our little fights and how we felt about these things. After that, it felt better. It always feels better after talking things through - bear in mind, when I say talking, I mean normal talking and not yelling or raising voices....it always feels better when he holds me close to him and tells me that everything is okay...that he is sorry OR I'm forgiven...and it's great when he explains himself and the situation to me.
Part of me was still wary though. Are we really good?
As per the routine drive to the LRT, we would casually ask each other how the weekend went. So I braved the question to him.
Him: Good...very good.
Me: Even with the fights?
Him: Fights are normal - for every couple. What matters is what you do about it, talk things through...
Me: And learn from it?
And I got a big wet smooch from him - well a few actually.
I began to see that fighting wasn't exactly a wrong thing neither did it mean that a relationship was going to the dumps. I began to see that fighting...conflict was a sign of change, a sign of growth within the relationship itself. We were both starting to know more about each other and trying to adapt to the differences.
What mattered now was not that we were different but that we could adapt to such differences without comprimising ourselves.
What mattered now was not that we fight but that we use it as learning lessons.
What mattered now was that we are growing.
ps: Did you know that NG keeps count of how long we've been dating? Come 11th December, he says, it'll be three months and also a Saturday (we met on 11th September which was a Saturday too!). He's uber sweet. That's mon cheri. ^_^|W|P|110231974155989208|W|P|Fighting makes the world go round?|W|Pfirstname.lastname@example.org/03/2004 08:29:00 AM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|I think NG got a handful of it during my phone call late last night. A bad stomach, period cramps and an awful day at work just does not do well for my constitution and as such, he got to listen to me as I bawled my eyeballs out. There wasn't much he could do, except go "Poor cherie" but listening to his voice did do something - it was soothing.
The night lasted for quite long, for me. I was restless and it didn't help that suddenly the aircon seemed useless, totally incapable of cooling down the room. It took me ages before I could fall off to sleep and even then, it was a strange unsleepable-sleep. Hm. That sounded weird.
The next morning, which is today, did not really sit in well for me. Was totally up to my neck in irritation with a mother that kept going on and on about how I should keep her kitchen clean while she and my dad was away for the weekend - "I don't care what you do. You can bake as many cookies as you like but my kitchen has to be in the condition which I left it. I'm not going to say much. But I want my kitchen to look the way it looks now when I come back. I don't care what you do. Just put everything back. I don't want to see everything lying here and there. Do you know how to use the small oven (we have two ovens - she is talking about the microwave-cum-oven. Bake cookies in that small thing? I DON'T THINK SO!)? I don't think so."
Hm. Strange. For someone who isn't going to say much, she does take the cake for repeating herself so bloody often that it contradicts her earlier statement.
Sometimes I hate living with her simply because I can't cook or do anything in the kitchen without her eyeballing me and watching me like a fucking hawk. She takes offense when I drop her some tips about how to cook her stuff faster (or better) and she seems to hate it whenever I cook - always criticizing, always telling me how I should cook stuff - preferably LIKE HER without understanding that a lot of the food I like, she hates. Hell, she even acts as if I'm stupid when she isn't clear about her instructions. She could be cooking and making soup, only to suddenly yell at me to get her sour chilli and when I can't find it, she goes "It's here. Are you blind or something? I said SOUR CHILLI. SOUR CHILLI!" - yelling at the top of her voice, shoving the bottle of pickled chillies into my face. And guess what, she wanted them for garnishing - the sliced kind - and here I thought she wanted them in the soup - the paste kind. When I tell her nicely that I'm not dumb, that she didn't have to act the way she did and that she wasn't clear with her instructions, she gives me that "How can you not know? Don't you make soups? Don't you know that people eat these with that?"
Well, mum...you know I don't eat pickled chilli with wantan soup or noodles and it's pickled not sour chilli. You know I don't cook the way you do. You know I'm not you.
Dad jumps on the boat too with his "you should cook more often...you should learn how to cook like your mum...if you have, how come I never see you cooking?"
BECAUSE YOUR WIFE WON'T LET ME. BECAUSE YOUR WIFE GOES INTO TIRADES WHILE I AM COOKING. BECAUSE YOUR WIFE IS SUCH A HAWK WHEN IT COMES TO MY COOKING. BECAUSE YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE WHAT I COOK. BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE THE SAME INTEREST WHEN IT COMES TO FOOD. BECAUSE ACCORDING TO YOUR LOGIC, YOU HATE THE STUFF THAT I LIKE TO EAT, THEREFORE I'M A BAD COOK. THEREFORE I AM STUPID TOO. WHAT THE HELL WOULD SHE KNOW ABOUT DILL? SALMON? OREGANO? ROSEMARY? LAMB? PASTA? EVERYTHING I WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING FOR POT LUCK, SHE ACTS AS IF I CAN'T COOK AND 'VOLUNTEERS' TO BAKE SOMETHING - like that goddamn baked cheesecake. If I want to make a cake for a friend or to take to work, she'll go "I'll make the baked cheesecake." No thanks. If I want to cook something for work, she'll go "Ohkay. I'll buy lettuce and make you a tuna sandwich." She'll go "I'll make yam cake. You can take it to work." "I'll make this and that. Take it to work."
For your information, I am a damn good cook in my own right. I make great Asian dishes, I have hosted dinner parties where people talk about my food not because it was the polite thing but it was better than anything they have tried. I cook well and I KNOW IT. I just refuse to cook at home when SHE is around because during cooking, my mother would go "you should add this in or that" "you should have cut it that way" "this isn't how you use my utensils" "don't you know where the things are kept?" Heh. After cooking, it's "ewww...how do you eat that?" "WAHHHHH...so much ar?" - mind you, she said that about a bowl of soup which is all water and shit nothing else but eight fishballs floating around.
This morning, when I mentioned I wanted to make cookies, she launched into her tirade of keeping HER kitchen clean. I think it was because she was trying to cover up the fact that she had no idea where she kept the rolling pin. Anyway, and here I sat, thinking we were a family and members of a family share. Suddenly I don't feel like fucking baking cookies anymore. I don't feel like fucking cooking anymore. Let her and my dad talk about how useless I am when it comes to cooking because frankly, I don't give a fuck what they think about my culinary skills. I don't give a fuck about what they think about my disinterest to learn achar, or make certain ASIAN dishes like bak chang or loh mai kai. All this talk about "you should learn to cook dishes that you like" is just a cover for "you should learn to cook dishes that *I* like".
I know my mum is a good cook. I know she means well. I know that this is the way she is. But sometimes it's really stifling being her shadow. Sometimes I just want to be able to eat the things I like without her making it seem as if it's a bad thing for me to cook stuff which she hates or be better than it at her. Sometimes I just want her to let me be ME. But then again, I know that if I tell her all these things nicely (the way me and my dad talk about problems like grown-up people), she'd only get upset and start crying and give me the cold shoulder treatment for days and days. And put me through all that guilt tripping with "Big girl already. Smart already. Don't need me to say anything. Don't need me to do anything. Fine la. You can take care of yourself." And when I forget to bring some money on a certain day, she'll bring it up - "Can ask me for money (RM10 bucks and she's whining) but when I say something, act all big and smart."
I really don't understand them anymore - or at least when it comes to this topic of cooking. Suddenly I have to like what they like. Suddenly I have to cook like my mother. Suddenly I have to do all these things just like her. FOR GAWDS SAKE I AM NOT A FUCKING REPLICA OF MY MOTHER. If they had wanted one, why don't they just buy a Kwee-pee doll? More importantly, I DON'T WANT to be a replica of my mother. She is great and all that but I just want to be me, y'know?
Good ole' Mabel who likes Italian food, had a great hand in cooking Asian dishes, good nose for experimentation and loves to bake to high heaven.
Just to be me.
Suddenly the weekend looks just totally awful.
|W|P|110203631863396211|W|P|Women woes...actually, my woes.|W|Pemail@example.com/01/2004 03:26:00 PM|W|P|Mabel|W|P|You know...when I say that assignments are due on a certain date, it means I should see it on my table or in the assignment box on THAT DATE not a bloody week later. AND especially not when I explicitly said that I would not be receiving anymore papers after a certain date.
It's bad enough that you don't show up for classes and even if you do, you don't concentrate. It's bad enough that I caught you for plagiarism. It's bad enough that you don't even bother handing in your first two assignments or redoing your plagiarized paper - a chance which you WON'T get when studying with overseas universities.
*grumbles even more*
BUT you actually think that I'm going to mark your paper, handed in by some stranger and wayyyy past deadline? WRONG YOU ARE.
Now tell me...why have I just received your paper?
"Oh, I loaned my paper to so and so coz she wanted to copy the reference and stuff."
What reference? There was only one in your paper and even then it was done the wrong way.
"Uh...uh...urm...she borrowed it from me saying that she would hand it in and she didn't and I just found out."
Is that my problem? Couldn't you at least inform me? It's not as if you don't know my mobile number (they do) or the office number. Why didn't you even bother asking for an extension officially if you knew that you were going to hand it in late? The assignment was due on the 22nd of November. I gave you the final warning on the 24th. And what do I get? You hand in your paper TODAY - 1st December. How long is that? Lets see...one, two, three...ONE week after the final warning! The least you could have done was come and see me about it.
Well, I'm not, because you know why? I gave you countless of warnings, countless of opportunities and if you still intend on squandering it away, it is not my fault, neither is it my problem. You could have called, you could have emailed, you could have IMed me (they know my IM as well) but no. You kept silent and hope that I'd would blind enough, even stupid enough to mark your paper. I'm not going to.
30% is a lot considering that you didn't bother redoing your plagiarized paper and your second paper wasn't exactly sterling either. I hope you'll learn something from this and I seriously hope you don't repeat this kind of behaviour again.
If you want to write an appeal letter, go ahead and do so. I'll read through it but I can tell you now that I'm not going to give you another chance. I have done so many times and you obviously don't appreciate it.
If you want to be my student OR even anyone elses, you better be prepared to at least do the work and hand it in on time, come for classes and exams - then you have the right to use the stupidest of excuses to justify your stupid behaviour. Otherwise, SHUT THE FUCK UP!
I couldn't care less what you do outside the college on your own free time - bonk whoever's best friend, sneak out of the house, go partying till the next day - but inside the college, you are responsible to yourself, your family and your lecturers. You are responsible for your own academic welfare and handing in assignments wayyyy after deadline isn't one of them. You might as well not do it at all.
You know what? You are not a dumb, lazy fucked-up person but if you insist that I start treating you as if you were, I will, because frankly speaking, I'm up to my boiling point.
DO NOT...I repeat...
DO NOT ASSUME THAT I AM STUPID.
DO NOT TAKE MY KINDNESS FOR GRANTED (when I give you three days leeway after the due date, don't shut up and assume that you can take one week off just like that).
DO NOT ASSUME THAT I AM LIKE YOU (I am a busy person with tonnes of stuff to do at work).
DO NOT ASSUME THAT I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT MY JOB (coz I DO!).
and most of all...
DO NOT PISS ME OFF by doing all those things above!!!
- Sophie Kinsella's Shopaholic series!!!! (I have Can You Keep A Secret? - so don't get that! UPDATE: Strike out Shopaholic Ties the Knot, Shopaholic Abroad and Confessions of a Shopaholic)
- Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code
Mitch Albom's Five People You Meet In Heaven
- Colin Evans' Murder Two: The Second Casebook of Forensic Detection
- Isaac Asimov's I, Robot (and I'm not talking about the film - the book is VERY different!), Robot Dreams and Robert Visions