Since the beginning of humankind, man has came up with many diverse ways of obtaining food – an essential basic need – that determines the survival of a person. It started with the simple act of foraging and hunting done by small bands of individuals. Later, these small bands developed into communities, which required more food, and therefore, cultivation came into play. It is through cultivation that these communities consumed grains, meat and other agricultural produce. In order to keep up with the increasing population growth, the agriculture industry has turned to a science called genetics or genetic engineering. With the unravelling of the human genome map as its biggest breakthrough, genetic engineering has been at the forefront in food production since Mendel’s genetic tests on plants. It has been suggested by some countries, particularly the United States, that TRIPS will help prevent exploitation or piracy of intellectual property related goods, encourage competition particularly in the research field, and create a better marketplace for goods or services (Correa, 2000). Nevertheless, activists such as Greenpeace and non-governmental groups like Organic Farming argue that patenting life forms such as plants and animals (or individual parts of DNA) is a form of privatisation and market monopoly. Greenpeace argues that patenting has allowed huge corporations from industrialised countries to control and exploit farmers, breeders, scientists and doctors. To date, five corporations - Astra-Zeneca, DuPont, Monsanto, Novartis and Aventis - controls 100 percent of the market in "transgenic seeds", 60 percent of the pesticide market and 23 percent of the commercial seed market (RAFI in Greenpeace, 2003). So how does patenting and control of the global food market by these corporations affect small-time farmers and developing countries who do not have the technology or knowledge to create their own transgenic seeds? Patenting has created a technological divide that separates small farming groups and big corporations. Many anti-patenting activists argue that this is a form of technological feudalism as intellectual property laws often allows its patent holders to guard, share their patents for a price and make those who violate such laws pay for their 'crimes'. Monsanto’s technology use agreement (TUA) contract utilises intellectual property to exercise its rights, somewhat like a feudal lord exercising power over his serfdom. The contract specifies that "farmers do not own seeds, they just grow it under contract, and have to deliver all the grain in accordance with Monsanto’s wishes. A farmer cannot keep any seed to re-plant next season, and cannot sell any to neighbours. Monsanto is allowed to come and inspect subsequent crops to ensure the farmer isn’t growing any illicit Monsanto seed" (McHughen, 2000). Farmers who do not comply by these conditions face lawsuits over violations of their TUAs. This form of serfdom does not revolve around just Monsanto’s customers; it has gone beyond that now. Corporations like Monsanto have taken neighbouring non-GM farmers to court under charges of violation of patent rights. This form of feudalism has also lead to the formation of social issues amongst farming communities whereby it is the industrialization of the farm versus the people of the farm; the cooperative versus the corporation. When patenting creates a feudal system in agriculture areas where the feudal lords are corporations like Monsanto, farmers have two options: be part of the system or be an outcast. The social relationships between these farmers have also changed as GM farming moves on further to divide farmers into certain groups. Farmers were part of a social equation which either involved relatives or individuals partaking in the same ritual. These farmers move on later to form cooperatives where networking and social bonding are strong components of these small communities. In countries like Thailand, India and Malaysia where rice growing has been part of the formation of communities, farmers interact with neighbours, and relatives on the land during farming, processing and even distribution. Other implications revolving around patenting and GM foods are the creation of monocultures – agriculture that is all about around one single product being grown in vast amounts of land. Therefore this has lead to a change in the farming cultures for many communities in developing countries, which once relied heavily on diverse farming or subsistence farming. Farming communities who have been traditional immersed in subsistence or diverse farming have been 'brainwashed' into the 'world hunger' propaganda pushed by corporations. Ethiopian ecologist Dr Tewolde Egziabher has this to say when questioned about the legitimacy of GM foods' fight against world hunger: "Famine in developing countries is mainly the result of unfair distribution. Today, the world is producing more food than ever before - but there are still more people starving than ever before as well. Producing even more food doesn't automatically mean that the poor will benefit. They simply haven't got the money to buy it. And genetic engineering isn't going to change that" (Greenpeace, 2003). While genetically modified foods may be taunted as the solution to world hunger and poverty, it seems to have done more harm to farming communities with age-old social structures, cultures and practices. While patents have brought many riches to corporations like Monsanto and its researchers, its has robbed indigenous and small farming communities of their traditional livelihoods based on wild flora and fauna – something the Andean indigenous community can relate to. It can be concluded that patenting and biotechnology has a profound effect on the agriculture industry, especially on grass-root levels. This encompasses social, cultural and economic effects that are hidden behind propagandas promoted by large corporations. One quote comes to mind when concluding this essay: When giant corporations view small peasants and bees as thieves, and through trade rules and new technologies seek the right to exterminate them, humanity has reached a dangerous threshold (Shiva in Roddick, 2001). Indeed.

6/27/2004 10:57:00 PM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|I made some changes to this blog, coz it's growing and well...growth is good and change is inevitable as well. But first of all... Many thanks to The Silencer and Ash.Ox for helping me out with the coding and tweaking. Might need to bug you guys again. *laughs* Change number 1: No more Shoutbox. Sorry guys. It's affecting loading time (not to mention the space it takes up along the sidebar) and I thought it would be better if people could leave their thoughts on the comments instead. Change number 2: New comments provider - Haloscan. Your old comments are still around, just hidden. So don't fret alright? Just continue leaving your rambles and I'll continue replying. AND PLEASE PLEASE let me know who you are. ^_^ Change number 3: The links have been arranged in a way that you can toggle it on and off. Helps save space since the numbers have been growing and I've been linking more and more people. Just click on each header and a list will pop up (or is it down?). LOL. Change number 4: If you go right to the bottom, you'll see copyright information and lookie here: MY EMAIL! ^_^ Now, take care not to spam this email account. Coz if you do, you'll pay for it...with your blood...I'll stab the men in the crotch with my knitting needles and the women? You don't wanna know. ^_^ More changes coming up over the next few days...hopefully, since I'll be busy with grading papers. Ahhh...such is the life of an educator. Bah.|W|P|108834857841122092|W|P|Changes.|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/27/2004 04:48:00 PM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|I know I know. This is old. I'll make a new one when I have the time. New stuff are in italics, btw. ^_^ Date: May 17th 2003 I got inspired from a couple of bloggers to start off a page just about myself. Well, I wasn't too sure what exactly I would put it in...but judging from the amount of thought that I am going through right now, it might just take a few days! *wink* The First Few Basic Stuff 1) I am twenty three. 2) I am a Malaysian. I grew up in Selangor and lived in Petaling Jaya, Selangor until June 2002 when I moved to Sydney, Australia for education purposes. 3) I am currently a postgraduate student with Macquarie University here in Sydney. As of July this year, I will be finishing my one year Masters of Arts in International Communication. 4) My birthday is 15th October 1979. What I want for pressies? I honestly appreciate anything nice. 5) I am rather pro-active individual with a head filled with radical (in some manner, that is) ideas surrounding politics, business, economics and people. 6) I work with The Body Shop Australia and one of my idols is the founder of my company, Anita Roddick. I just love the way she thinks about the world, particular the economics of it all. 7) I want to write for a living one day. 8) I suffer from manic depression which ocassionally leads to depression. 9) I can read up to four books a night (from 7pm to 1pm) and I am a fast reader. 10) I have set life goals to achieve before I hit my 30s and so far, I knocked one off the list. The more interesting and silly things about myself... 11) I am not a fan of chocolate. Just don't quite like that stuff. 12) I am short - standing at about 154cm (that equals up to approximately 5' 1.5" . 13) I was born at 5:30 am - after attending my uncle's wedding the night before and therefore, eating my fill (before deciding I should grace the world with my presence). 14) I went to a semi-private Catholic based non co-ed school after finishing primary school in a boy-girl environment. 15) In secondary school (the equivalent of high school in Malaysia), I was the last to know anything and everything in my group of friends. 16) I have always been surrounded by men/boys/guys - my best friends (except in secondary school) were all guys. 17) My first relationship lasted for three months and that was when I was twenty. 18) I am currently into my third relationship and today is my first year anniversary. Note: it's also my mother's birthday. That relationship is now defunct! >< Ended it on January 3, 2004. *sighs* 19) All the women in my family (my grandma, mother, aunt and some of my cousins) are older than their hubbies. Me? I am older than my boyfriend by about three months. 20) I had the worse nicknames when I was in primary school: Marble, Table, Saddle, Maple...it goes on and on. 21) I had a corective heart surgery in 1997 to fix a hole in the heart, which I had since I was a baby. The medical term for my former problem: Ventricular Septal Defect (VSD). 22) I do not smoke, gamble, or do drugs. My only vice? Wine...I love red wine and sparkling wine (otherwise known as bubblies). 23) At one point in time, I had six dogs running about in my house - one adult, five puppies. 24) I am prone to having dreams that are cryptic, funny and downright silly - and I always remember them (note: except when I am stressed or busy that morning, then I'll forget about the dreams). 25) My nightmares are always the same and I get them when I'm really sick. I always dream that I'm chased by giant Panadol like pills and running about through a maze trying to avoid them. 26) I used to dream about unicorns for several months when I was a child. 27) I only started driving on Malaysian roads a year after receiving my drivers' license. 28) I collect stamps but of lately, I haven't been cataloguing them or organizing them. 29) I taught myself how to play the guitar - but I'm no pro - just know enough to make myself happy. 30) I stopped studying piano at Grade 3 but I have been practising on my own ever since - I can play stuff that I have been hearing or practising for a while quite well. 31) I am one of the few Malaysian girls living in the city that know how to cook traditional Chinese delicacies like kueh kapit (loveletters) and bak chang (Chinese sticky rice dumplings). 32) I love cooking. If there is one business that I would do, it would be about food! 33) I love wearing boots and strappy heels - makes my calves look slimmer and longer. 34) I have an extremely muscled/toned lower body, so much so that when I clenched my legs, my dad says that my calves are like kayu (wood). 35) I speaking fluent English, not too bad Malay, some Hokkien and Cantonese. 36) I picked up Cantonese by watching Hong Kong movies and series as well as listening to Canton pop. 37) I have thick earlobes and have had a couple of accidents with piercings. The first was when I was five - the guy had to pierce each earlobe twice to fit the stud in. I developed an infection on both ears and the hole closed. The second was when I was 17. The 'gun' (they use a nailgun like thing to pierce your earlobes). The piercing didn't go through for my left earlobe, so they had to do it twice. I nearly killed the guy doing it. 38) I am contemplating on getting a unicorn tattoo on my right hip. 39) I am crazy about earings - if I were to choose between buying rings or earings, I would definitely go for the later. 40) I love photography and it is self-taught as well. 41) I own a old manual Olympus SLR camera - the one where you have to crank up to wind the film. It's a good camera! 42) I consider myelf blind without my glasses and I hate wearing contact lenses in Australia - it's too dry. 43) I look better in real life than I do in pictures but that depends on who took the picture. Grin! 44) I love Italian food (which is surprising for an Asian). My favourites? Pizza with loads of mozarella cheese and pasta with seafood. 45) Favourite part of my face? My eyes and lips. Pity I wear glasses. 46) My father was formerly attached to the Royal Malaysian Air Force. 47) Both my parents have worked even before I was born. I like that - teaches me and my brother some form of independence. 48) I love cold weather - winter/autumn/spring in Australia is gorgeous. 49) I recently had considered becoming a vegetarian after watching a documentary on genetic engineering on farm animals in UK. 50) I am horrible at keeping in touch with people. Since I have moved out of Malaysia, I have been sending mass emails to everyone save my best friend (and family), whom I'm beginning to write to quite regularly. 51) My favourite movies to date are 'Ever After' and 'While You Were Sleeping'. This one has changed. Bleh. 52) I consider myself a Christian but am not a really religious person. I only talk about religion in debates about it. 53) I love studying about religon, culture, mythology, media and history...or at least those that surround the aspects of sociology and politics. 54) I intend to teach when I return to Malaysia. Subject of preference? Media and cultural studies. 55) I am horrible at sporting activities. The only thing I'm good at is badminton and going to the gym. Other than that, I suck ass. 56) I have too many favourite singers - at the moment, I'm into Aussie singers like Delta Goodrem and oldies like Kenny Rogers, Frank Sinatra and etc. 57) At one point in time, I was into classical music like Debussey. Listening to his music helps me write my papers for uni. 58) I love going to theaters to watch musicals and dramas - something I cultivated in college. Unfortunately Malaysia isn't really the place to watch all these. What have I seen on stage? Dangerous Liasions, Merchant of Venice, some compilation of Broadway performances and Chang & Eng. 59) I would love to see something at the Sydney Opera House - and dress up to the nines for it as well. 60) The longest movie I have ever seen so far is Pride and Prejudice. The BBC production. I love it and intend to get the DVD for it. 61) I have been trying to finish off Stephen King's books. Got into it after my housemate started this horror DVD-watching marathon. First Stephen King book? Carrie. I'm trying to get my hands on others. 62) At the moment, I'm trying to finish up on The Complete Works of Jane Austen - I started with Pride and Prejudice and I'm now at Sense & Sensibility. Working doesn't give me much time to read though. 63) I hope to get wealthy enough to be able to afford a lovely country house with a couple of horses and loads of acerage. Grin! Where? Maybe Tasmania or Adelaide. 64) I would love to reside in Australia sometime in the near future - I'm in love with this country. 65) I love naming my pets 'interesting' names like Basil, Aria, Desibel and Flame (Flame was the name I got for my Siamese fighting fish). 66) I am thinking of getting a Golden Retriever pup and naming him Basil. If I get a female, I'm gonna name her Aria - after my guinea pig. 67) I have been travelling through Malaysia since I was a kid - only state I haven't covered in Sabah. Countries include Taiwan, Australia, Singapore, Thailand and so to be added - New Zealand. 68) Countries to visit in the near future - UK, Scotland, Greece, France, Italy, Austria, Russia, Spain, Turkey, Egypt, Japan and maybe Mexico. It's an everchanging list. 69) Languages to study when I return home to Malaysia - French/Italian/Mandarin/Japanese. 70) I am prone to cleaning mood swings - when I'm really in the mood, I can clean out my room till it's look like one of those hotel rooms. If I'm not in the mood, forget about it. 71) The few insects I fear are squiggily little things that look like worms and cockroaches. 72) I developed an allergy towards seafood (especially calamari and squid) February last year. Since then I have been watching my intake. It only surges when I eat too much seafood. Bummer! 73) My favourite perfumes to date are by Revlon (Ice And Cool) and The Body Shop (Indian Gardenia). 74) Favourite flowers are irises, roses and jonquills. 75) Favourite spot in my room has always got to be my bed - soft, comfy and homey. Quilts are very important and so are plushy pillows! |W|P|108832634567630318|W|P|75 Things About Me (2003)|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/27/2004 09:30:00 PM|W|P| Embiggened!|W|P|Hi there. Thanks for coming by me blog. Say, if you need help with the haloscan or what not, shoot me an email (lordashe@gmail.com) or drop a comment there. Will be pleased to assist.

Cheers!6/27/2004 09:43:00 PM|W|P| meiteoh|W|P|No problem...and I should thank you first. ^_^6/27/2004 11:35:00 AM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|Today, I was some time reflecting upon myself...in church. It is always one of the few places where I am able to find peace within myself despite the crowds. Perhaps it is the music, perhaps it is the perception that God is listening to me, or perhaps it is just the way I am. Being a Christian for the better half of my entire 25 years, I have somewhat lost sight of the faith that I once believed in so deeply and wholely. I wouldn't pin the blame on anyone...but just myself. I was so caught up in other people and caring for others until I have lost sight of my own worth and how to measure it. I lost the ability to find calmness in the midst of the storm... I lost the ability to find solace in the midst of crowds. I lost the ability to love in the midst of hatred and pain. I spent the past two years measuring myself against other people and against what they thought of me. What mattered was not how God thought of me or what I thought of myself but what THEY thought. If they didn't like me, I felt miserable, I felt frustrated. If they did, I wondered if it was because of my personality, looks or was it something I did. Such is the price of placing your self worth in the hands of others. NO WONDER I AM MISERABLE AND FRUSTRATED! Today, I realized that what truly mattered wasn't what people thought of me - every person out there, in fact, IS just like me (insecure, frustrated and miserable)...but more importantly, what God thought of me and what He knew of me. I'm going to get uber religious in this entry, but it's important in order to understand what I'm babbling about. The Christian faith isn't just about salvation and grace; it is about building a positive intimate relationship with God. And this relationship is far different from the ones with we have with our parents, friends or loved ones. It is perfection - for here you have the Perfect One with His perfect love loving the imperfect one who is striving as hard as he/she can to reach perfection. It doesn't stop with just loving and changing, but it continues with accepting, forgiving and understanding. God was the one who made me who I am today - with all my flaws, imperfections, strengths and talents. And He is the one who understands me the best, even better than myself. All my gifts, all my knowledge, my heart, my character...and best of all, He loved me and blessed me even though I left Him. It was destined for me to become a teacher, a lecturer but did I ever see it? Before, I never realized that this was the path for me until last year when I was graduating from my Masters. I wanted to become a writer - filled with dreams of owning a laptop and writing day in and day out. I did - found a job as a writer - and somehow I felt it wrong. Something wasn't right...something wasn't...perfect. These days, I just write in my blog and it feels good, good enough for me. Just little stories of my life and nothing more. It was destined for me to go through an open heart surgery but did I ever see it? Before, I never realized that without that heart surgery, I would have taken a very different path from the one I walk now. I would have made different friends, I would have touched and been touched by different lives...and more importantly, I would have been different. Instead I ranted and raved about the injustice God did to my body for three years. I wept for the scar that I have to bear for the rest of my life without realizing that the scar was in fact a testimony of a test which I had passed with flying colours. It was destined for me to love this hard and break this hard but did I ever see it? Before, I thought if I was ever in love, I would love forever and everything would be perfect. But it wasn't so. I would never have realized that with love comes sacrifices and with sacrifices come heartache and pain. It made me stronger. It made me hopeful. It made me value love AND myself even more. But did I see that? Nope. Instead I wondered if there was something wrong with me. Instead I questioned the one person who bestowed this most remarkable of gifts upon me - "Why me?" I asked. Because I feel. Because I have a good heart. Because I am sensitive towards others. Because I WANT TO LOVE. I have been measuring myself against the human standard of beauty, of love, of desirability, of perfection. I think it's time I measure myself against God's standard of beauty, love, desirability and perfection...and you know what? He doesn't care if I have a 29 inch waist. He doesn't care that my face is round. He doesn't care that I'm not a raving beauty. He doesn't care that I sometimes feel insecure. He doesn't care that I am not a virgin anymore. He doesn't care that I have drifted apart from him. He doesn't care that I have a broken heart with so many scars. He doesn't care that I have carried with me broken dreams and hopes. He doesn't care that I have cried a gazillion tears and questions his judgement and direction for me. As a matter of fact, He *still* thinks I'm perfect. He *still* thinks I'm beautiful. And He *still* thinks I'm worth loving. "The man who will have you one day as a wife is and will be the best for you. Be patient, daughter and learn to find perfection in the imperfect. In the mean time, you have Me by your side, loving and understanding you for who you truly are. You are worthy to be be my child." It's time to let go of man's perception of me.|W|P|108830913526656295|W|P|Reflection and renewal of faith...|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/27/2004 12:14:00 PM|W|P| Kamigoroshi|W|P|That's right.

The only perception you should have is the one you have on yourself. Confidance in what you can or cannot do. Who you are and not. That's what people will eventually see. It's not the easier road...nor is it the shortest.

But its a road that will give you the things you need and want.6/27/2004 01:58:00 PM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|this is Dizzy, fairy. It may sound odd coming from me,... but, Go With God. Luv ya.6/27/2004 02:52:00 PM|W|P| meiteoh|W|P|*tackle hugs Kami and Dizzy* I wuvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv you guys! :)6/26/2004 10:00:00 AM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|First of all, no hangover! Best sleep and...I had the weirdest dream ever - of modern day princes, romances and guess what? It was in the same building where I have some of my dreams in - shopping mall, food court, ballroom, hotel rooms and killer elevators (that go up to 1000-over falls) rolled into one. It's a uber huge building. Anyway, I was on my way for a function and I was late. >< This building is a bad idea - because they have soooo many rooms that it takes like ages to get from one end to the other if you're lost. I parked the car on a nice little spot, hurried in one exit and went "HOLY CRAP! THIS ISN'T THE END THAT I WANTED TO GO TO." I passed ballroom after ballroom and I got the same reply from each 'guard' - "Wrong room, ma'am. Y'need to go down the hall somemore." - *palms her forehead* And walk I did. Past a Malay wedding, a Chinese wedding, a corporate function, an Indian wedding, a Christian wedding - holy shit, what is going on, the moon decided to make people marry today or what? - and walk on until I came to a long flight of stairs. Here was where I became like Spidey and Van Helsing (where he was a werewolf) rolled into one. Instead of taking the stairs like a normal human being, I jumped the flight of stairs, lifted up my palazzo pants and took the rails and skidded down....and promptly halted in front of a fucking royalty ceremony...and in front of the most gorgeous Malay prince I had ever seen - chiseled jaw, clean-shaved, slim but well built - Asian Tom Cruise if ever there was one. *melts* The bodyguards shrieked at me and all hell broke loose. I ran, with Prince Azlan staring after me and his men chasing the shit out of me. And before I knew it, I was dodging daggers. Got cornered and that was when he appeared from the crowd and asked me to be his date! O_O! HELLO! I'm late for my function!!!! ;_; Oh holy hell. Despite me struggling and saying no NO NO a couple of gazillion times, I got ushered into this Balinese like changing room with Prince Azlan looking on with this "I'm in love" look on his face. There was this gay-ish hairstylist staring at me and another dame (I presume she works on clothes coz she had a couple of dresses draped across her arms) but the hairstyle suddenly attacked me. Before I knew it, he was was snipping off my tresses and whistling happily and I was like "leave my hair alone...." and when he was done, I gasped at the horror reflected back at me. My hair was short, boy-cut short. Gone were my long wavy locks. I screamed, threw hell in that changing room and also the hairstylist out the window. Princey came and I started launching a tirade at him. "Who the hell are you? Why do you want me? Look at what he did to my hair! Fucking prick. I spent TWO YEARS, TWO YEARS growing my hair from this length to the length it was before he butchered it...." and I went on and on. Before I know it, he takes me in his arms and promptly kisses me. *blink blink* "Ain, get her dressed and help her with her hair. Btw, pixie, you look cute." And with that, he smooched me and left me staring after him. By the way, his ass is YUMMMMEHHHH! *turns red* I set about getting dressed and while doing so, I knew he was waiting outside. I could hear him talking to his bodyguards. I can't remember if part of me was thinking of escaping or if part of me wanted to revel in his attention. I settled for the latter towards the end of the change. When I was finally done, I appeared with pixie-like hair (heh!), and in a nice little soft golden blouse and palazzo black pants. He beamed at me and took my hand and guided me... Suddenly we weren't in a building anymore but in a garden, fresh with the smell of jasmine and roses. Hmm...they say that when you smell jasmine, it means that there is a ghost in the room. Didn't even feel cold last night. Quite the opposite actually... And I can't remember anymore. I woke up feeling rather good...and strangely, still horny. Bah. Got a booty call this morning from someone else. Giving it some thought now. LOL. We'll see how things go. ^___^ |W|P|108821738060398346|W|P|Of royal princes and dreams...|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/26/2004 12:19:00 PM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|HAHAHAAH...good dream, as long it make u horny when u woke up, then it must be really really good dream...kekeke.....

keith6/26/2004 12:29:00 PM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|hehe .. you've got a whole load of guts posting up stuff like you do. quite cool really :) i wish i could remember my dreams anyway :/ i normally forget them when i wake up ... :(

oh .. and some shameless advertising on my behalf :)

http://jerm-the-germ.blogdrive.com
Jeremy6/26/2004 02:02:00 PM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|this prooves my theory: when u're horny, u will dream weird stuff :) myahahah

have fun with the booty caller :)

fiz6/25/2004 10:16:00 PM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|This one is for you...I should have played this to you when we broke up. I'm sorry I never did. I wish I had picked a better day instead of January 3rd, but I had to. And I'm letting go tonight of you. I will still be around, if you need me but other than that, I'll be invisible. Goodbye and all the best. I'll Say Goodbye For The Two of Us by Expose When you wake up And find me gone tomorrow Don’t think I meant to hurt you I just did what we knew I had to do. And all the time we knew The time was never right for us Time to leave this love behind I could never leave you Baby if I see you cry I’ll say good bye for the two of us Tonight while you sleep I’ll kiss you softly one last time And say good-bye Like I know we must There’s just no other way And I couldn’t bear to see your heart break So I´ll wait till your asleep to say good-bye Please realize How hard it is to do this I’m trying to make it through this Say good-bye just as gently as I can. Please try and understand This time just wasn’t the time for us We knew I couldn’t stay But that don’t make it easier to leave you So while I can find the strength. I’ll say good bye for the two of us Tonight while you sleep I’ll kiss you softly one last time And say good-bye Before your arms embrace me Before your kisses take me Before your eyes can make me stay I’ll say good bye for the two of us Tonight while you sleep I’ll kiss you softly one last time And say good-bye Like I know we must I´ll wait till you’re asleep To say good-bye for the two of us Tonight while you sleep I´ll kiss you softly one last time And say good-bye Like I know we must There’s just no other way And I couldn’t bear to see your heart break So I´ll wait till your asleep to say good-bye When you wake up And find me gone tomorrow Don’t think I meant to hurt you Good bye |W|P|108817311736995338|W|P|Goodbye Raymond...|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/25/2004 10:38:00 PM|W|P| Embiggened!|W|P|One of those days, innit?

Well, wish you the best. I see you've certainly awakened some keen attention among the readers, and that's always good. Can't say much about exes and needing to get laid (God knows I spent half of last year harping on these things) but yeah..

good luck.6/25/2004 10:40:00 PM|W|P| meiteoh|W|P|I'm drunk mah...and glad to know that the readers are wide awake. LOL. Now if only my students were like that HALF of the time. *giggles*6/25/2004 10:41:00 PM|W|P| meiteoh|W|P|This post has been removed by a blog administrator.6/25/2004 10:48:00 PM|W|P| Embiggened!|W|P|Hmmph. I wish the same of mine, and you KNOW how students can get.

On another note, when you're teaching in a public uni you miss out on ALL the interesting students other people get to see.

Bah. Say, got some wine to spare?6/25/2004 11:59:00 PM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|drunk or no drunk, you deserve it.

after all those horny + emotional talk

;)
fiz6/26/2004 12:09:00 AM|W|P| meiteoh|W|P|Ash,

Nope. Teaching in the private sector but I still get 'shitty' students. *offers some spare wine*

Fiz,

Superbly drunk and ranting about the ex to Silencer. LOL!6/26/2004 12:52:00 AM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|Wow, that was really touching...yeah it is bad when we have to broke off with someone we love/like... i still have hard time letting go....so sad.....

keith6/26/2004 12:52:00 AM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|This post has been removed by a blog administrator.6/26/2004 12:55:00 AM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|wow, this is really sad and touching... i just hate it, i mean breaking off with somebody we like/love...sad, it is like, we knew it wont work out, but still we lie to ourself that it could but in the end, all just end up even more hurt....so sad...

keith6/26/2004 12:56:00 AM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|This post has been removed by a blog administrator.6/26/2004 03:13:00 AM|W|P| Kamigoroshi|W|P|Nothing left to do but for what you can do for yourself.
Nowhere left to go but straight ahead.

Always straight ahead and never look back.6/23/2004 09:18:00 PM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|Now what's this about giving me a free Nike backpack? Nothing apart from the fact that I so do not support any clothing store that goes for sweatshop labour. *palms forehead* So, okay...that's my fault and not the credit card company's. Bah. Here's the story: I applied for a Citibank credit card online - and I didn't take note of the promotions that they have. Did some research, asked around and compared it with a lot of other companies before deciding to go for this one. Never mind the fact that it looked kinda cool as well. ^_~ I choose the Clear Card - black and transculent in some areas. They sent it over to the house but since I wasn't around, the courier people left a card for me to go pick it up down in Brickfields. When I got it, I was pretty surprised to see another huge parcel together with the envelope containing my card. The people at the courier made no qualms about it. They even casually mentioned that it was from the credit card company. I suppose they must have seen tonnes of the same kind of stuff passing through their doors all the time. When I unpacked everything, I realized that they had given me a Nike backpack. Now hear ye, hear ye...I don't support Nike, or Reebok, or Gap, or anything which I consciously know uses sweatshop labour to produce goods. Heck, I don't even consume McDonalds or Coke. So immediately after receiving it, I chucked the backpack right on the top of my cupboards and there it's gonna stay - I have no idea until when though. There is no way in hell that I'm going to use something that costs some child 16 good hours in a stuffy battery-like factory and only US$15 a week to produce. There is no way in hell that I am going to buy anything that is going to contribute US$50,000 a week to some top CEO when that same child can't even earn enough to buy a Nike shoelace. According to Kernaghan's article (which can be found in Anita Roddick's Take It Personally book), in 1991, Indonesian workers were paid US$0.45 cents per day. "Today, their inflation-adjusted wages are little better and mean that their living standards often remain wretched as they were a decade ago." It's not that Nike can't afford to pay these people a DECENT wage - hell, for the past ten years, Nike has tripled its annual revenue from $3 billion in 1991 to $9 billion in 2000. The CEO alone got paid $3.2 million in cash last year...making him one of the richest men in the world. Nike even issued a statement in 1998 promising to improve conditions for the 500,000 employess of their contractors. But where are those promises now? Why don't I just close my eyes and continue on my merry purchasing way? Because when I think about it, I am condemning fellow human beings and workers to a fate that I strive to avoid - exploitation and injustice. I sure as hell will kick up a fuss if my workplace is horrible, if my boss pays me peanuts and overworks me...I will write letters, I will complain and I expect people to understand and sympthasize with me - if not do something at least. But half of the time, the people who work in these kind of conditions are illerate, poor and desperate - unable to fight for their own rights. Isn't it then up to us to assist in whatever way that we can? Isn't it right and just of us to stand up for rights, rights that will on day affect us as well? Once upon a time, I used to not care. I used to buy clothes that were stained with the blood and sweat of exploited people and children, I used to eat food that came from the exploitation of farmers and the Earth itself...I used to not care. What changed was this: I had a heart. I saw how these people were being exploited and suffering just for my comfort and my pleasure. How fair is it? Here I sit on my comfy chair and in front of the computer, using the Internet when somewhere halfway across the globe, a child is busy toiling away in some stuffy factory. She'll never be able to see what a computer looks like, go on the Internet and blog...hell, she would probably not even have the chance to use a telephone much or less the Internet. What right did I have to demand the childhood from someone else just to fulfill my own pleasure and purpose in life? Aren't people tired of being greedy at the expense of other people's lives? Aren't people tired of being heartless? Aren't people tired of seeing the misery of others reflected back into their faces? People sometimes ask me what difference can I make as one person. And you know what I tell them? "The only one that counts - my conscience." Here are the reasons as to why I try as much as possible not to consume or buy the above items (in my blog header) UNLESS I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO (which hasn't arose - thankgawd!):

• Nike - When I was young (and ignorant ^_^), I wanted to have a pair of Nike shoes. The latest, the better. Now? It's the last thing I want. I have nothing against this company. I admire the innovation of attire and sporting fashion...but I don't admire the methods used to achieve such excellence. "Nike claimed in one press release that the wage of the average Nike factory worker in Asia was double the minimum required, but a leaked 1996 Ernst & Young audit showed that the average wage was $45 per month, just $5 more than the legal minimum. In a letter to The New York Times, Knight claimed that Nike "provides free meals, housing and health care" to factory workers in Vietnam; in reality, a Vietnamese labor watchdog who examined Nike workers' pay stubs discovered that Nike was actually deducting money from its factory workers' pay for meals." Need I go on? How about this then? Nike's campaign for a change of image - I doubt it has really worked. I mean come on, how do you expect to change an image of a company that vehemently denies using sweatshop labour BUT STILL DOES? Use their stuff? Buy their stuff? No thanks, I'll stick to my good old fashion locally made shoes and shorts. I hate to think that my shoes and shorts (plus shirts) are made and stained with the blood of people who deserve better in this lifetime and the next.
• Coke - I used to be a great fan of Vanilla Coke. For three months, I bought 1.25L of the stuff and kept it in my fridge - I had it for dinner every day for three months, until I came across this article which made me sputter my Vanilla Coke all over the monitor. Well, it wasn't that bad a reaction but it was enough to cause me to see the injustice of it all floating around in my drink. Enough to make me quit drinking the stuff. Come July, it would be a year since I last touched anything that remotely resembled Coke (not even Pepsi, btw). Coca Cola parched the lives of the villagers who were dependent on the underground water source for drinking and washing (not to mention bathing and etc - the things we take for granted whenever we use water) and then turned around and charge the same villagers for water. The water source which these villagers are dependent on are now unsuitable for even bathing, let alone irrigate crops. "Water samples tested from the area's aquifer show the water is extremely hard, and thick with excess salt, calcium and magnesium, indicating that the limestone that lines the aquifers is being degraded by over-use...The meager amounts of water that can still be extracted from the indigenous peoples' wells are unfit for irrigating their fields, let alone for bathing or drinking. Those who drink it or bathe in it have reported stomach illnesses and skin rashes. Their crops no longer grow; they have to travel dozens of kilometers before dawn to outlying villages to gather as much clean water as they can haul back home, before leaving for work, some of them at the Coca-Cola plant that has caused the local disaster. And to add insult to injury, sometimes they are forced to buy bottled water from Coca-Cola." (Alternet) How fair and right is that? Also this: do you know that for every bottle of Coke that you consume, three bottles of water are lost in the production process? The by-product, which Coca Cola claimed was good as fertilizer (that came from producing that sugary stuff), was so foul-smelling and toxic that crops actually withered. And you expect me to drink this, knowing fully well that with every sip that I take, I'm condemning innocent people to a wretched life which I am striving to never experience? NO WAY IN HELL!
• McDonalds - I can't believe that when I was six, McDonalds use to pay me to run around in their advertisements pretending to be happy. Heh. Lunch was usually burger and fries PLUS A COKE. >< Well, the only consolation I have is that I was young then and I was unaware of the world around me. So I carried on the McDonalds habit...until my postgraduate year in Sydney where I did a paper on GM-food (genetically modified food). I bought this book Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser and I never looked at a burger the same way again. "Hundreds of millions of people buy fast food every day without giving it much thought, unaware of the subtle and not so subtle ramifications of their purchases. They rarely consider where this food came from, how it was made, what it is doing to the community around them. I think people should know what lies behind the shiny, happy surface of every fast food transaction. They should know what really lurks between those sesame-seed buns. As the old saying goes: You are what you eat." (Schosser) He goes on to expose the inner dealings of a slaughterhouse, where workers suffer from Carpal Tunnel Sydnrome, harrasment and discrimination (not to mention low pay and f-ckingly lousy medical benefits). He spoke of one worker who at the age of 30-something limps, has eyesight issues, back problems, limb disability and a whole range of illnesses and problems which started off by working in a McDonalds' slaughterhouse. Young people with low skills and little knowledge of their working rights work for peanuts in one of the most dangerous environments - hot oil, stoves and pathogens. Food poisoning from tainted beef, beef tallow in french fries, lard in your cooking oil...are some of the things which makes you want to take a cold, hard second look at what exactly you are consuming. Just a burger or a mixture of pain, disease, injustice, poverty and desperation?

I think I will stop here for now. I have ranted more than I should on the matter. Personally, no one has to listen to me - it would be nice if people listened and absorbed it the way I do, but I have faced the fact that in this life or the next, there will be people who couldn't give a damn about others. At least I do and honestly, that is what counts. *thinks* Hmmm...I should put up a rant on genetically modified food and farming practices today. ^_^ |W|P|108800003875661931|W|P|No Nike...or Coke (or McDonalds) either please!|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/24/2004 12:31:00 PM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|Waow! now, Nike, I knew about. But the Coke and McDonalds stuff???? See if they get MY business again! Hopefully, Mountain Dew is a Pepsi product....6/24/2004 12:59:00 PM|W|P| meiteoh|W|P|Yeah...not many people know about McDonalds or Coke...which is why I put up the links. :) I wish people were more educated about the food that they consume. I should put up that rant on GM food...and soon too! :p6/24/2004 02:38:00 PM|W|P| Dzof|W|P|I have my own reasons for not taking Coke/McD/Nike or any other American product - at least until the US elections this November. But there are other good reasons for staying away.

For example, I honestly and truly believe that Coke has absolutely no (zilch, nada) nutritional value whatsoever. Unless it's an overdose of sugar you're after.

Nike stuff is just plain expensive. RM200 for a pair of sneakers? Well, somebody has to pay for the ads.

McDonalds is... well let's just say the wrong side of healthy. I'm sure, like cyanide, it's not deadly if taken in small enough doses, but...


I'd like to know the following: Would you buy pirated goods? For example, those cheap knock-off Nike caps you see at the pasar malam.

Would it make a difference if you knew that they were surplus from the same factory as the original goods?

What about if the workers were selling it on the side to make a little extra?


What about banking with a company like, say, HSBC? Who pay outsourced call centre employees in Malaysia up to almost a tenth less of what the same person in England would make to do the same work?


And finally, what if I say this: Free Trade Creates Jobs and Wealth. What if I said that those people living in sweatshops who are making less than minimum wage are still making more than what they would make as a subsitence farmer?

What upsets you: Is it the fact that the country as a whole is so poor that even minimum wage is 'poverty' by the world standard? Or that it's Western companies who take advantage of this to produce goods more cheaply?

BTW, if you haven't dones so, your should read "No Logo" by Naomi Klein.6/24/2004 03:35:00 PM|W|P| meiteoh|W|P|This post has been removed by a blog administrator.6/24/2004 03:47:00 PM|W|P| meiteoh|W|P|This post has been removed by a blog administrator.6/24/2004 03:54:00 PM|W|P| meiteoh|W|P|First of all, one should not attempt to insert HTML tags into one's comments. ><

I like the way you think, Dzof...not to mention some questions which you have pointed out. :)

On pirated goods: It's a hard line to draw but I have this to say. I won't get the cheap knock-offs mainly because no one else will know that it's a knock-off but me. At its very core, I'll be helping Nike to promote their products. What should change is the way the company works as a whole. Employees selling surplus stuff doesn't tackle the root of the problem - it merely buys more time for the company/employees. The problem isn't addressed at all. There wouldn't be a need for employees to make that extra buck on the side if they had better benefits and were well-paid. You don't see the top managers of Nike selling surplus products in the US now, do you?

On outsourcing labour: That's why I don't bank with HSBC. ^_^ But seriously, I have no complaints if the wages paid are reflective of the standard of living and not stupendously low. The standard of living in the UK is higher, much higher than in Malaysia. One freaking apple costs a pound - times by six if you want to convert it to Malaysian ringgit. So long as employees are treated well and paid wages which are reflective of the standard of living, I have no problems with outsourcing jobs - it's part and puzzle of capitalism, competition and market forces.

On free trade: Here lies the problems - we have made it hard for people to rely on what they have been doing for decades. We patent wheat, grain, rice and whatever we can, we charge farmers, we squeeze them dry. For example, when Coca Cola opened that factory in Kerala, it promised them jobs...only less than 500 people were employed, out of thousands (check the links). How is that job creation and wealth for these people? The divide between the wealthy and the poor is getting wider, more so now than before. Why?

At least subsistance farmers are growing something that they can later feed on - hence the word subsistance (you sell the extra and you plant a variety of veggies/fruit). But people in sweatshops are earning less than what is required of them to live proper healthy lives.

I'm more for FAIR Trade...not Free Trade. And there is a difference. ^_^

On companies and poverty: Both. The global big players measure the growth of developing countries to their standards. Subsistence farming has always been the staple of agriculture for many countries - and it has feed communities, even though these people are below the 'poverty' level. But bigwips like WTO and sometimes the government, etc, insist that farmers plant ONE crop and export it like crazy. The money comes in but it doesn't go back to the farmer. It goes to companies like Monsanto, or banks, or governments, or individuals (like the middle man) but never back to the farmer. I wouldn't say that it is Western companies persay but large multinational corporations that seem to trample on everything and everyone to get richer and bigger. Why, most of the big multinationals make more money than countries!

What I would like to see is more ethics in conducting business and trade.6/24/2004 11:22:00 PM|W|P| Dzof|W|P|You like the way I think? Heh, but I think the overlap between us is middling (for example, you haven't heard me when I'm vigorously supporting the manufacture and consumption of GM food).

On the other hand it sounds like you believe that companies have a greater obligation than to just maintain a healthy profit margin. This I wholehearted agree with. With relish and mustard. And those little chopped up onions.

The million dollar question is "What can we do about it?".

I believe that outsourcing or globalisation is not intrisically evil. I don't even believe that the people who run the companies are evil. But the presumption that a company that produces profits is a successful company, and the bigger the profits the better, this assumption leads to many, many things.

Like paying people minimum wage to serve your burgers and then making sure they don't work more than forty hours a week so that you don't have to pay them overtime. Good financial sense.

I'm sure most of us recognise that appealing to the good nature of people who run megacorporations is not likely to produce more than the odd individual victory.

Most activists rely on free market economics to help their cause. For example, the awareness tuna fishing was killing dolphins caused the public to stop buying and in response the companies produced dolphin-friendly tuna. Conscience in a can. But it worked.

Another example is that ever since the Atkins diet craze has gained mainstream support, junk food companies and fast food restaurants have begun to supply low-carb foods. Like bunless burgers. (*shakes head* IT'S CALLED A STEAK, GORRAM IT!)

But this can only go so far.

For real change to take effect, first the general public (what a wonderful phrase) needs to be aware of the issues, and then ethics are shaped through informed debate, and then this hopefully will lead to legislation and enforcement.

For some reason, we always seem to skip the 'informed debate' bit and jump straight into law-making. Also, I'm assuming we're talking about democracies here. Benevolent dictatorships can skip straight to the lawmaking.

ANYWAY (berevity was never my strong point), Yes, I Agree. We need more ethics in conducting business and trade.6/25/2004 04:38:00 PM|W|P| meiteoh|W|P|In other words, D, it all boils down to what we know and what we do with what we know. Yes? ^_^ Btw, do you have a blog or something? Would like to read your stuff on GM food. Exchange of ideas would be good. :)6/23/2004 10:02:00 AM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|Was going through some blogs this morning and I came across this one in Izuan's blog. It's pretty interesting and I found it to be quite reflective and meaningful - to me anyway. There were a few known comments about Brock's writing and particularly of how he chose to end this poem. However, it has strengths nevertheless. The death of the soul is far more efficient than the death of the body...and sometimes being forgotten is just as good as being dead. Edwin Brock, called ”5 ways to kill a Man”. There are many cumbersome ways to kill a man. You can make him carry a plank of wood to the top of a hill and nail him to it. To do this properly you require a crowd of people wearing sandals, a cock that crows, a cloak to dissect, a sponge, some vinegar and one man to hammer the nails home. Or you can take a length of steel, shaped and chased in a traditional way, and attempt to pierce the metal cage he wears. But for this you need white horses, English trees, men with bows and arrows, at least two flags, a prince, and a castle to hold your banquet in. Dispensing with nobility, you may, if the wind allows, blow gas at him. But then you need a mile of mud sliced through with ditches, not to mention black boots, bomb craters, more mud, a plague of rats, a dozen songs and some round hats made of steel. In an age of aeroplanes, you may fly miles above your victim and dispose of him by pressing one small switch. All you then require is an ocean to separate you, two systems of government, a nation's scientists, several factories, a psychopath and land that no-one needs for several years. These are, as I began, cumbersome ways to kill a man. Simpler, direct, and much more neat is to see that he is living somewhere in the middle of the twentieth century, and leave him there. ... Anyway, I'll be changing the look of my blog over the next few days - so don't get stunned out of your skin if you come in after one visit and find it looking different. I'm experimenting with HTML, scripting and a few other stuff, which reminds me - I need to get back to opening up my own little website. ^_^ Had one before with a diary and all, but I closed it - didn't really have time to go update it and stuff. *shrugs* O'well... *goes back to her knitting and thoughts*|W|P|108795738035512618|W|P|How to kill a man...|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/23/2004 02:16:00 PM|W|P| Embiggened!|W|P|Is it too late to welcome you to the blog world? I hope not. Still, nice thoughts, and isn't it amazing how these unconnected thoughts by people who probably have never even met each other resonate so much, sometimes?

Have a good week!6/25/2004 05:02:00 PM|W|P| meiteoh|W|P|Welcome to you too...have been blogging for over a year now, but my old blog is closed already. :P6/22/2004 07:10:00 PM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|

Here's a picture I took while I was in Melbourne for a one week break. ^_^ It was pretty stormy by Aussie standards and my fingers were frozen. Snapped using an Olympus 2000 SLR camera. *takes a deep breath* Today, someone forwarded this question to me, which got me thinking about a variety of things. What was the difference between a friend and boyfriend? My boyfriend is someone whom I can talk to, someone whom I can shower my affection and love on, someone whom I can turn to whenever I need a shoulder to cry on, someone whom I can trust for protection and love, someone whom I can depend on during my most weakest of hour, someone whom I am not afraid to be truly myself...someone whom I can cry to... Most of my friends have never seen me cry before. Very few people have - just one or two actually. The ones that have, I treasure the most as friends, simply because by the act of seeing me shed my tears, they have my most complete and full trust. More often than not, I am the stronger one in my friendships - the more stable, more mature or more quiet one. It is not their fault that I cannot seem to let go openly of my emotions to them, but more of mine. I suppose it has something to do with the way I have been since I was young. I find it hard to open up fully to people, to show the 100% real me...which is why oddly enough, I open up better on the Internet with my online friends. It is because of this barrier - that I don't see them and thus, I don't feel any real treat of betrayal...it's easier to forget about someone whom you have never met before than someone whom you have seen and interacted with. If anything, I am never afraid to show my true self to my lover/confidante/boyfriend...who is more often than not, a close and best friend of mine. But when a break-up happens and heartache throws itself in the way more often than I would like it to, I find that I doubt my heart, my judgement and ultimately myself more often than I should. What have I done to lose someone close to me? Where did I go wrong in picking partners? What happened to my judgement? BUT... I suppose we all need to learn somewhere...somehow. Sooner is better than later. I remember this quotable quote from Hallmark. "It's only late when you're dead, my friend." If anything, I should stop doubting myself. I should stop listening to the demons within me that keeps on pushing down on me. I should instead start listening to the real me, not the physical part of me, but the heart - the personality. If men cannot see this real me and appreciate me for who I am, then it should never be my fault, it should never be my loss. I should start looking at things from a different perspective - a blessing in disguise hidden in one or two sorrows, a lesson in life in anguish, a golden opportunity in a lost chance. So what does it feel like to be me - at least personality wise?

• Overly concerned about loved ones
• Brutally honest
• Outrageously witty
• Soft-hearted
• Friendly
• Philosophically yet strangely kiddish at times
• Passionate and firey about the things I love
• Dynamic and adaptable
• Often self-critical (sometimes for all the wrong reasons)
• Loves easily and strongly
• Romantic yet idealistic in some aspects
• Joyful (but not really chirpy when I'm depressed)
• Opinionated and strong
• Understanding and patient (only with people I get along with)

Just the good points here. I have plenty of bad ones...but this is an entry for good points, remember? Note that I didn't say independent because in some ways, I am and in some ways, I am not. I will always be dependent on people for emotional intake but I'm independent of them in terms of the result of the relationship. It's kinda hard to explain. ^_^ I reckon that's why people were made unique from each other. If everything was explainable, where is the fun? Zlich. Perhaps one day, I'll find someone who appreciates all those good qualities (and bad ones) that make up me. Someone who will love and care for me equally...someone whom I can trust...someone whom I can cry to and not fear to let him see me at my weakest point. Someday it'll be my turn again... |W|P|108790265912334037|W|P|Someday, it'll be my turn again...|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/24/2004 07:06:00 PM|W|P| fishtail|W|P|I like what you wrote, especially "If men cannot see this real me and appreciate me for who I am, then it should never be my ... loss." Profound. Thank you.

(http://julyfishtail.blogspot.com)6/24/2004 11:24:00 PM|W|P| Silencers|W|P|OMG. I never thought anyone would list down the very same traits I see in myself. Maybe it's just my own imagination but to be honest, your list exactly mtches mine!6/25/2004 09:01:00 AM|W|P| meiteoh|W|P|Fishtail,

Thank you too. I sometimes need to remind myself of those words though. ~_~ Bah.6/25/2004 09:02:00 AM|W|P| meiteoh|W|P|Silencer,

*lol* ^_^ Wait till I go list down my bad qualities...then we'll see. But from my blog, it could be told what my personality is like. ^_^ Have fun reading!6/22/2004 09:50:00 AM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|I'm still alive. ^_^ Woke up this morning, feeling rather jaded and hollow but then again, it's really nothing new. What had I expected - after digging out my emotions last night and burying the remnents? Last night I made a decision to stop feeling - at least if I do, to keep it mellowed down as much as possible. I promised him that things would be different and I kept to my word. So far, that is. *winks* No more displays of jealousy, no more overtures of 'I like you', no more overt flirtatious moves...nothing to hint that we are more than just friends. It feels ackward sometimes, when we run out of words to say to each other - the brief moments of silence, but it's not something that is worriesome. I'll always figure out what to talk about. If that fails, I'll just close the window and get busy with work. If I don't have work, I'll find someone else to yap about to. I would still be around if he needs me - that is something that is without a doubt. He is a good friend and a kind loving person... It's not his fault that I feel this way - just that our expectations aren't the same at all. So why force the issue? Time to move on with life. Just that right now, I feel a familiar pang of emptiness. I'm beginning to lead life without hoping for too much. Hope still lives but overnight, some things have changed - for the best. "Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have." This makes me smile. ^_^ *thinks* I have been ignoring the blueprint which I set out a while back...that is build the friendship first, the rest will come in its own good time. If it doesn't happen, at least I can love him in my own way - he wouldn't have to know but it would be still be love. And there is always friendship to bind us together. ^_^ Laughter will be good right now. Not to mention a really good night's rest. Don't worry. I'll be back to my usual self in a few days. |W|P|108787040834937685|W|P|I'm good...still in one piece.|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/22/2004 01:30:00 PM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|You're still alive. that's a start. Now, let's see about making you laugh...6/22/2004 01:34:00 PM|W|P| meiteoh|W|P|Yes, yes, Dev...you make me laugh, you already know that! ^_~6/22/2004 01:35:00 PM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|...then I've done my job! yay me!6/22/2004 02:38:00 PM|W|P| meiteoh|W|P|Cheeky fella. :p6/22/2004 05:24:00 PM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|This post has been removed by a blog administrator.6/22/2004 05:24:00 PM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|Hey, im not gonna comment on ur situation, sorry, cause i think ure a person who makes ur own decisions, dun need others opinion?
But can i ask u a question? Just ur own opinion on something.
If there was 1 I loved, n was loved back in the pass, but now my love is no longer return, should i continue to love?
This is a friend, not a lover.
To love would lead to hurt because it can never be the way it was, n being reminded of the loss kills me.
Ive been good since i stop caring much..
Shud i love when i know to love would only lead to hurt?
This person doesnt need me, has someone else.6/22/2004 05:30:00 PM|W|P| meiteoh|W|P|Hm...would appreciate an identification of who you are at the end of your post....but never mind. ^_^

Perhaps it is wise then to stop loving but continue caring. Since that person has someone else already, it is evident that your part in this will never be more than just friends - unless she lets go of him. To hang on to the past will not bring the future to you. You have two options: be around as a friend and wait on it - which means you hang on to the love and the hope. Alternatively, you can choose to move on, let go of that hope, still be friends but essentially move on.

Who knows? Perhaps moving on will bring you better things.

Cheers.6/21/2004 11:21:00 PM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|I died today. I took a knife to my own heart and I stabbed myself of the love, care and concern for him. I killed it for the sake of friendship and my sanity...for his sake actually. I got his message loud and clear tonight - the irritation, the desperation in his voice. He was tired of this being a problem. He didn't want it to become a problem. So it will never be a problem. Tonight, I will stop loving him. I still stop liking him. I will stop dreaming of him. I will bleed. I will cry. And after that, I will feel no more. I died today...for someone else. |W|P|108783157540109857|W|P|I died.|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/21/2004 06:35:00 PM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|It has been ages since I last listened to Malay songs - sorry, no translations offered for the songs below - unless someone is willing to take them up. In a gist, they are songs about love, romance and of missing that special someone. Anyway, I found the tapes yesterday and listening to it now makes me melancholy and all sad - contemplating my own romantic fate. From tomorrow onwards - if everything goes well tonight - I'll be living a lie - a lie which I weave for the sake of friendship, for the sake of someone else. Oddly enough, this is how my life will always be - for someone else but never for myself. I can't even bring myself to ask him for a chance - simply because it wouldn't be fair to him or right for me. Such is the life of morality and ethics. I don't think it'll be that bad. At least I still have him as a friend. *sighs* Rindu Padanya by Camelia (loosely translated as "Missing Him") Sejak terpandang wajahmu hatiku bertanya selalu Siapa dia, mengikut pandanganku Seringkali dia berlalu di hadapan dan menyapaku Sehingga, hatiku seringkali merindu Tak dapat ku melupakan dirinya Terbayang wajahnya di mataku Inginku tanya namanya tapi hatiku rasa malu Tak terucapkan walau sepatahkata Mungkinkah diriku telah dilamun cinta Oh hatiku resah selalu Haruskan ku menyatakan perasanku terhadapnya Mungkinkah dia kini telah berpunya Getar hati makin terasa Bila terdengar suara dan bertentang mata Ku bagaikan berbunaga kehujanan Berkembang mekar disetiap ketika Tidur malamku tak lena asyik teringat padanya Bilakan mentari memancarkan cahaya Hanyalah dirinya bermain di ingatan Oh Tuhan, ku rindu padanya... *sighs* Who am I kidding? It already feels awful. I have been forcing myself to eat - food actually tastes like ash...the heart feels heavy...and the eyes? Lets just say I'm trying to hold back the tears. I'm so tempted to ask for a chance...but really...what's the point in asking when I already know the answer? *wipes away the tears* Tonight I'm going to feel this way and nothing is going to change that - not him, not anyone else...just myself. Lets just live for the moment... [EDIT] I have calmed down a bit since a few hours ago. It turns out that I'm having my period now - kinda weird considering that I normally bleed first thing in the morning and not in the evening. I think the stress and hormonal imbalance (not to mention the emotional craziness) triggered it soon than I thought. I suppose it could explain why I was more prone to tears and bouts of depression for the past few days. Anyway, there have been a few updates - hurtful ones and not so painful ones. ADAM Ever since BW came into my life, my relationship with Adam went from bad to worse - we started out alright but somehow things went shaky, after my date with BW (and that was three weeks ago). We gotten into a few fights - both over the phone and online. The final straw was today. While talking to him about my problems with BW, he - I can only presume - got tired and told me off curtly. What ensued from there was a fight that ended up in the two of us pissing each other off and finally cutting off all ties. He poked me about my attitude and behaviour; and as usual, I swallowed it and tried to apologize and deflect the situation. However, it would appear that he doesn't want to keep in touch anymore, he's adamant that I'm the only one at fault here and he basically just doesn't want to talk to me anymore. When I tried again just now, he brought up his ex girlfriend and how he wanted her to be around instead of other people. Typical of him to do so actually - to try and rub some salt into the wound. That's alright, I suppose. After all, he IS free to think what he likes. *shrugs* BW I am falling for him. I have to admit it at least. *sighs* I'm at a conflict with myself. I have expectations that come naturally with feelings like this...expectations which I hope would be met one day, expectations of something wonderful. And yet, one part of me wishes him no harm, no pressure, no...force. I want the feelings to be reciprocrated out of mutual liking and attraction - not because of pity or sympathy (I can do without that, thank you). Besides, a strong part of me feels that it's very unfair to ask for a chance when he has already said that he has no desire to be in a relationship now. Some of my close friends have commented that he didn't say an outright 'no' so I still stand a chance. But you see, there is this part of me that fears hurt. I am so tempted, so tempted to stick around and wait BUT there is this part of me that constantly questions "What if the next one doesn't work out? Can you take the pain?" With every heartache I felt, the pain was stronger than before - the hurt left a deeper mark, a longer toll, a more bitter pain that needed to be swallowed. I cherish his companionship, I cherish him for who he is - but I fear to ask too much from him because I know deep down inside, not all of me is ready for him - not now anyways. So why am I rambling like this? Perhaps my brain is too cluttered. All I do know is that tomorrow will be different. I'll live for today...tomorrow, things will be different. If there is any loving to be done, it will be done secretly and quietly. It's time to go back to being invisible - like how I was in primary and secondary school. And no matter how much I hurt inside, he will never know of it because I will never tell him. I don't want to burden him. ...I just...I just want to love him. That's all. |W|P|108781532131226477|W|P|Just to love him...|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/23/2004 02:23:00 AM|W|P| Piggy|W|P|I'm so sorry to read about what happened between you and Adam. Perhaps things will get better somehow in the future. Take care.6/23/2004 01:17:00 PM|W|P| meiteoh|W|P|It's alright I suppose. Perhaps some things are better left as they are. *shrugs* But thankies. ^_^6/21/2004 10:39:00 AM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|Why did I have to like someone who isn't over his ex? Why do I have to fall for someone who isn't ready for me? Why do I have to hurt like this? Why do I have to promise myself to be there when I have problems trying to be myself in the first place? Why do I have to feel the heaviness in my heart? ... I can't sleep peacefully. I don't have pleasant dreams. He haunts me in my sleep. I just want it all to go away. If it means not talking to him, not seeing him, not interacting with him...*sighs*...I suppose I have to choose then. Whatever happened to chances and opportunities? Whatever happened? ... Why do I have to love?|W|P|108778575694510160|W|P|WHY?|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/19/2004 10:36:00 PM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|So I'm sorry that this came a bit tad too late. Work, personal issues and relatives from Brunei were a HUGE distraction. This was one really weird dream that I had two nights ago - June 18th, that is. I don't know why I had a dream like this. It has been ages since I last remembered dreams - well, since my break-up anyway. It is kind of weird. Raymond never remembers dreams and he used to have really bad ones until he met me. Of lately, he has been remembering really vivid dreams - me? I either have really boring ones or at least downright weird ones - lets not even get to remembering them. I barely am able to - on a regular busy day, that is. Speaking of remembering dreams, my unicorn did come to visit a week ago - I barely remember this dream...he cantered up to me and nuzzled against me and I sat down beside him, facing this silvery lake. That was when he said to me this: "Things will be alright, sweetie. Everything will be fine. Just have faith and be patient." *sighs* I miss Ash (yup, I call my unicorn that - since I first dreamt of him when I was six or seven!) ^_~ Here is my dream: I was walking along this hallway, littered with a lot of Grecian-looking paintings and old-school oil torchs. It made the place looked rather warm and golden. Fuzzy, actually. I peeked into this door and entered it. WOW. Black marble bathtubs! YUMMMEH! I stopped in front of the nearest one (to the door that is) and I was about to turn on the water when a naked man walked in. O_O! OHMIGOD! It turned out that I was in the mens' bath! *squeels* I rushed outside, blabbering profusely about how sorry I was that I entered the wrong bath. Rushing around, I finally found the ladies bath - didn't see a sign but there were no naked men around, so I reckoned it was the right one. Turned on steaming hot water together with just the right amounts of cold water - ahhhhh...hot steam rising into the air. Beautiful!!! I sprinkled some White Musk bath salts, together with mango scented salts and vanilla oil beads before tipping everything off with a generous dose of rose petals. I think I'm nuts. *giggles* Off the robe came and into the tub I went. I leaned back and looked up and...OHNO! I saw someone I knew - who happened to be a man right opposite me. He was with another guy, and they were in the bath, chatting away. He looked at me, gasped for a moment and then this was the conversation that followed: Him: Isn't this the mens' baths? Me: Urm..nope. That's on the other end of the hallway - with black marble bathtubs. Him: Ohshit! Sorry. (and then he grins widely...) He proceeds me to throw me a handtowel, which lands on my face and I hear water splashing. Somehow, his friend is gone from that dream. >< Anyway, I pull the towel down and saw him - in his birthday suit. O_O! I think he saw me, because he hurridly tied his robe together, mumbles a "sorry to bother you" and rushes off. Me? I went red and ended up soaking in that bathtub with the following question running over and over again in my mind. Did he see me undressing? O_O!|W|P|108765597993924450|W|P|Nudity at the Roman Baths|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/19/2004 10:14:00 PM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|Yup. I clocked 300 kilometres today...and I reckon I'm going to clock somemore tomorrow. And I'm talking about driving. ^_^ I spent the better part of the day driving down to Malacca, this 'historical' state which is about three to four hours drive (that is if you follow my dad who hits the speedometer at 90km/h) from where I live. I took Mum's car and drove behind him - which was quite fun in a way. Reminded me so much of the time when Raymond's Dad came down to visit and we drove along the Great Ocean Road. In some ways, I love driving. With the additional car, I'm hoping to clock a few driving hours during the weekend and hopefully, whenever I see friends, especially BW, they don't have to drive me around. I dunno why though. Maybe it's because I like driving. Heh. Today's trip... There were of course a few colourful moments - like when Dad got us lost within city centre (we were looking for the Church of Christ near Stahburys - I think that's how you spell it - ain't too sure!)...and that time where he lead us into Bukit Cina (Chinese Hill) only for me to end up making a u-turn in front of Chinese tombstones. Geez, I spent a few minutes apologizing profusely for interupting the peace of the people buried under those tombstones. >< Now why did I do that? Because despite me being a liberal black sheep Christian, I still believe in spirits and respect for the dead. Taking the car and wheeling over the grass in front of their tombstone is almost akin to pissing on their graves without asking for permission. Something you definitely DO NOT want to do. Anyway, we nearly eight hours driving to Malacca and back home, and nearly four hours in the city. Me and Dad were mostly the drivers - so we didn't really have much time to enjoy the views and what-not. Besides, I have been down there so many times that it doesn't really give me much of a thrill anymore. While I was there, I bought a woven peasant bag, two wrap-around skirts (because it was soooo hot wearing my jeans and blue tank top) and a few munchies for my colleagues and BW. I thought it would be a nice gesture since these are the people who knew about my trip to Malacca. One of the more 'interesting' moments was when I bought the wrap-around skirt. I decided to change into the skirt there and then. So it went around my waist over my jeans and I just took them off - this wasn't done in public though! It was done in the shop but still public enough. Heh. As for eye candy, there were a few good looking 'whites' around - Mum doesn't fancy them...and I reckon her definition of 'cute' is vastly different from mine. O'well... The trip back was a bit tiring for me - because of the heat and just me driving round and round. I was starting to feel a bit light-headed and sleepy despite being loaded with sweets (to keep me awake). So I resorted to counting how many army trucks there were in front of me. There was a convoy of about twelve trucks carrying close to 20 (or more) people in them each. And I noticed one thing: after the sixth truck, I would lose count. So about forty-five minutes away from home, I handed over the keys to Mum and she drove us back. I just sat back and relaxed. ... Came home and I need the usual stuff. Called BW to see how things were and took a shower. Shaved my legs, did some female preening (I don't need to go into specifics but lets just say that the lower regions are very short and nice) and had a very nice shower. Right now, after this blog, I'm going to lie down on my bed and...fantasize. *lol* But seriously, it has been ages since I last was horny or thought of sex. I haven't seen Adam at all, neither did we have sex since the last time which was in April. Quite interestingly enough, even though I ocassionally get horny, I don't seem to be very interested in actually having sex with anyone - even Adam. I suppose my mind is slowly conditioning my body to only have sex with my hubby - IF I ever do get married, which I highly doubt it. Now if only my mind would condition the heart to be more patient and less obvious with my overtures of attraction to BW. I'm so afraid of scaring him off by being my usual infatuated giggly self. Should I speak to him about it? *thinks* I don't know. Hope he calls so I can talk to him about it...but then again, he has had a long day today. Maybe on Monday or something. If we both have time. If not, I'll just wait then. ... Oh, did I say that my aunt and cousin gave me a few going-away presents? I have yet to open it...it's not nice to open presents while the people give it are still around. ^_^ I like to do it in private. *giggles* Anyway, they are leaving tomorrow and I'll be driving their luggage to the airport. HAHAHAHAHA! *shrugs* O'well... I had a good time today. At least it beat sitting on home, doing work or staring at the PC. And oh! I had the weirdest dream ever but...but I'm too tired to write about it. Will make a note of it and jot it down tomorrow. *lol*|W|P|10876557000970933|W|P|300 kilometres...|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/18/2004 05:07:00 PM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|*click* *recording starts to play* 18th June 2004 - the scarfer's log for todahhhhyyyyyywwwwweeee... *sound of the recording getting all screwy* *click* Heh. This isn't exactly the opening of Star Trek, so I'll cut to the chase. Besides, I doubt I wanna compare my life to that of a sci-fiction series that has been around for ages. Then again, my life has always been a drama of its own. First few decisions have been made and well, I'm seriously contemplating on the following issues: Raymond He has got to be out of my life. I was much happier during the times whereby we don't talk at all. I felt more complete and I felt more at peace. Talking to him even as a friend just makes me all miserable. So, I'm sorry to say this but I don't want you in my life even as a friend, Raymond. If what you feel for me is love and care, I don't want it. I DO NOT NEED IT. Work I'm slated for teaching one first year unit, one second year unit and the same old subject for diploma - Media Research Methods. *ugh* Right now, Introduction to Sociology (the first year unit) is really interesting - been preparing the first few classes for the past few days now (and I'm really into the thick of things) - and I have more room to play around with it, especially with the assessment and tutorials. Hopefully the students are receptive towards it. ^_^ BW It has been...three weeks since I gotten to know him. Things haven't really been picking up at all - now that I take a look at it. Sure, he has been opening up and stuff like that - but all that is part and puzzle of friendship. Nothing really outstanding there to take note. So I must admit, with a heavy heart, that what I feel for him will never be reciprocrated...so my feelings are best left to die or buried. I'm suppose to meet up with him tomorrow but now, I don't really feel like going at all. I don't want him to think that I'm avoiding him...what the heck, I might as well swallow it and go out with him. It's not as if I have been through worse. *shrugs* Just swallow my pride and pain and put on a show. I've done it before. What's the problem? Love I am tired of it. I am tired of relationships. I am tired of loving people. I am just so sick and tired of it. I have made up my mind. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to let anyone close to me again. I don't want to love anyone else anymore. If anything, I'll just bury myself in work, my family and my students...perhaps some wine and writing. Know something? In my mind, I have died. I have hurt, I have bled and I have died. From tomorrow onwards, I never want to have anything to do with men...or love. Ever again. If anything, I will find everything people normally seek from relationships in close friends or perhaps...flings. But whatever it is, I don't ever want to love again. This heart has hurt too much and thus, this heart will always be guarded. Kudos to the men who have managed to capture this heart of mine. It will never be anyone else's again. *locks her heart up* [EDIT] It would seem that I'm a sucker for love. I can't seem to hold true to my own words of locking up my heart and holding back my feelings. Bah. I wonder if this is really the true me - always revelling in love and the wonder (not to mention misery) of it. BW and I got into a spat - which has been ironed out (*yaaay!*) - and strangely the incident made me realized a few things about him and what we share in common - apart from the propensity to take other people's feelings into consideration and feeling remorseful for quite some time as well. *hmm* The rest are analyses which I think I had better keep to myself since he reads this blog. O_O! And what makes things even more interesting is that my attraction towards him is beginning to mellow down into something else. OHNO! *palms forehead* >< |W|P|108755107151980102|W|P|Decisions...|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/17/2004 02:22:00 PM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|I need some peace and quiet today. Particularly today, more than before, more than tomorrow. I would just like to go to somewhere breezy, quiet, dark...watch the stars glitter against the dark night sky and just wrap my arms around myself and shed a few tears. No matter how hard I try to avoid all this, it always comes back to haunt me. No matter how hard I try to put the past behind me, it always comes back. I wish Raymond would just let go of what has past. I wish he would stop faulting me for everything that goes wrong in his life. In actual fact, he cannot leave me alone - not the other way around as some of his friends would think. I have left him alone, but he makes posts that shoot barbs at me - I thought it was just me but after checking, it turned out that other people read it and immediately thought of me. He says I will always illicite some form of defensiveness in him. Is it my fault that he feels this way towards me? Is it my fault that he feels defensive? Is it my fault that he doubts me even when I am blatant supportive and concerned about him? Sometimes I feel it's because of his upbringing in that home of his, with that family of his. Sometimes I feel it's because he has learnt to doubt and distrust me. That isn't for me to say...that isn't for me to conclude. Neither is it within my control. Whatever it may be, it hurts me. I want to be friends. This is one man whom I shared my life with and yet, I find it hard to understand when he blames me for everything that goes wrong in his life. I find it hard to believe otherwise of him simply because he has never proven me different. Where did I go wrong? What are my faults as a human being? What was wrong with being honest, concerned and consistent with my emotions, thoughts and actions? Should I say something and practice another? Should I hide my emotions all to myself? Perhaps time away from him (even the online him) would be good...perhaps time away from the stresses of the world would be good... By the stars, by the wind, by the darkness I sit alone Arms wrapped around a cold lonely soul that is me... The wind breezes by, the leaves rustles, I hold my head up to the sky The gentle whisper of a Celtic flute beckons softly, gently... The soul weeps, the heart bleeds, For a time when love was all that mattered For a time when kindness was met in kind For a time when life was perfect The heart bleeds for a hurt that would not go away The soul weeps for a past that lingers... Perhaps the darkness will come to take away the soul and dry the tears Perhaps the darkness will come for the one who needs it the most. Perhaps it will come...for me.|W|P|108745500194781104|W|P|Just some quiet required...|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/16/2004 05:02:00 PM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|...to cry but I can't because I'm at work. So I type it out and I find my eyes watering. You would think I stopped hurting this much. You would think I could be more rational and less emotional than this. ...to hide from him but I can't. Why? Because I'm stupid enough to take his needs more into consideration than mine. Because I'm...*sighs*...because I am who I am. ...to curl up into a little ball... ...to cry my tears, my hurt, my pain out... ...to hide away from the world and not go through anything like this anymore. I just want to cry. [EDIT] He made me laugh today. And even though the morning sucked really bad, he made me laugh after that. Suddenly, being just friends first doesn't seem so bad at all. Suddenly, I really didn't mind having him around as a friend. Suddenly, it is something that I really would like to do. I hope things work out well. I feel bonded - there is no other word to describe what I feel - but 'bonded' to him. Never mind that; isn't it nice to stay as friends? It'll be hard trying NOT to flirt with him all the time - I find that he rises to the ocassion when I don't. *lol* Am really looking forward to seeing him this Saturday. We both owe each other massages and hugs! And for his birthday, I have something planned...luckily he doesn't know when my birthday is. BWAAHAHAHAHAAHA! *rubs her hands together with an evil smile* *giggles* Salut to a new beginning! ^_^ |W|P|108737689343488526|W|P|I want...|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/16/2004 03:24:00 PM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|Whenever I get "I miss Raymond, why did I left him?" bugs, I read this entry. It 'wakes' me up again - and somehow, leaves me feeling as if I made the right choice. It was never worth all the hurt and pain. I stayed in my room from 8pm onwards last night and promptly got screwed for it later - dad left a note on my door when I got up this morning. Anyway, I stayed in my room because I was talking to Raymod and I was doing some closure ritual thing - he suggested it 'coz I told him that I was having a hard time moving on and I was angry and upset and...marh. So he suggested doing a closure ritual - that is me being honest with whatever I felt throughout the entire relationship and me venting and telling him what I had never been able to say while we were going out. He was supportive and he listened, just listened - that was part of closure, you say what you feel to someone, and they just listen...you say all the things that you have wanted to say during the relationship but was never able to because of fear, because of rejection, because of punishment, etc. Raymod will come through this, and he will read this - but really, all that I have said here is just a recollection of closure that I have done with him. And what I don't need here is people telling me that I should have done this or that. This was what I felt at that time...and what part of me still feels. Let me say what my heart feels without being punished or having to feel apologetic for it, please. This is my ritual of closing and regrets! I felt shortchanged, I felt angry, I felt betrayed, I felt deserted. While I was with Raymod, I felt punished for being me, for being dynamic, for being smarter, for being stronger - I felt confused as well for here was he telling me that he like me for the way I am and later, I would get punished for it. Whenever I wanted to share my results with him, he would go "I'll never get grades like that...I'm slow" and he gets all upset, without knowing that I feel guilty for it as well. He would go, "I'm slow and I don't read as fast as you" in that tone...hell, I can't even describe it. And worse, I always had to apologize for telling the truth, for saying what I really feel. He wanted me to be honest - and honesty has always been a sterling quality of mine - but when I am honest for it, I get punished with "you're always creating conflict". Ian once asked why was it I always apologized for saying what I really felt. It was because I had been conditioned to apologize and feel guilty/wronged for speaking out what I felt in my heart. After a while, I just couldn't talk to him anymore - I couldn't communicate with him. I would try to talk to him about what I really felt, my worries and all and he would lash out at me, poke fun at me and etc. If anything, I felt bad for being me, for being confident, for being smart, for being inherently ME. I was concerned about him and his studies - and because we couldn't communicate well and because he would always hide away from conflicts - I took on the role to make sure that our relationship stayed good...I take care of him, I pamper him and I do all those little things. He said that it was as if I was the man (the traditional sense of the role that is) in the relationship. I wanted to see a counsellor, you know. I wanted to see a shrink to see what I could do to further understand Raymod - Raymod asked me if I wanted to see a counsellor. I said yes...and it never materialized. Somehow, Raymod forgotten about it. Whenever we have a conflict...whenever I had a problem with him and when I bring it up, I was always told that I turn everything into a conflict and I was punished by Raymod going into his cave. Worse of all, he goes into his cave for days...and he ignores me COMPLETELY! It is as if I don't exist at all. And we lived together. He comes back after those two days and gets all lovey dovey with me after completely ignoring me - and I'm like WTF. *sighs* Up till today, I still feel guilty. Raymod used to tell me how I shouldn't let people feed me bullshit...but he forgot to mention that he had kept on feeding me bullshit as well and I had believed in the bullshit he fed me. Towards the end of our relationship, I had changed so much that I felt caged, unhappy, insecure about where I stood with him. I never demanded him to break off ties with Jaclyn. If anything, I told him NOT TO! And yet he went ahead and did it. And I felt even more guilty for it. Jaclyn's problem was with me and me alone. I kept it to myself for as long as I could because I knew that I would be punished for bringing it up and most importantly, I never wanted Raymod to be place in the predicament of choosing between me or her. I was hurting inside because when I try to tell him that I felt hurt and pain for the things that she said to me (that I wasn't doing enough for Raymod when all I did was try to care for him only to be snubbed by him), Raymod would go "you don't understand"... And worse, he breaks off ties with her and turns around and tells me "I hope you don't make me lose any more friends". I have never felt important to him. If anything, I was second in Raymod's life - his family and friends were more important to him - he said so himself and that hurt me even more. I never demanded him to break off ties with his friends, I never hinted to him...I never asked him. Even when I was hurt by the things that Jaymee said to me (I told her so), he still goes "If you only understand her..." I was frustrated. I do understand, which was why I still talk to Jaymee, which is why I still am friends with her. I felt betrayed because he accused people who "sided" with me of being bias, or not understanding. The problem was never with Jaymee or other people...it was where I stood in his life. I share my life with him, I share my problems with him, I make him an active part of my life...and he doesn't - he's always going "I want to do my things...", "...you'll never understand", "...I'll tell you when I'm ready to tell you..." So I don't force the issue. But as time went on, I began to feel as if I was never going to be a part of his life. He never wanted to talk about his problems, he never wanted to share anything, he never wanted to include me, to let me help him, to let me understand him...until it was too late. He was always pushing the bucket to me...making me decide FOR him, going "if you want me to call me, tell me to do so" and when I do, he complains that he doesn't have enough time on his own and that I'm always bothering him, that I'm always bugging him. I have to ask for everything - for love, for affection, for romantic interludes because Raymod never wanted to do those things. He was always going "If you like flowers, tell me to buy them", "if you want sex, ask me for it"... It even got to a point where sometimes I wonder whether he took me home from work (when I used to work night shifts, Raymod would come to the shopping mall to walk home with me) because he wanted to or because he had to. Why? Because people who love you don't need to be told to show their love...people who love you shower their affection without having their partner to ask for it - the communications and all these tiny gestures of love...you should never have to ask for those things. And yet, I had to or else, it would be nothing. Raymod would continue to live in a world of his own...I tried once not to ask for anything (in Australia)...and for days, he never SMSed me, he never sat down to give me a hug or a kiss, the flowers never came...and I won't even bother bringing up the sex bit. It was as if he held my hand but he wasn't there. That wasn't bad compared to when I get hurt by other people and the first person he questions AND doubts is me. And he's never attentive to my needs unless I TELL HIM OUTRIGHT! The example I'm going to use is definitely going to illicite some remarks but Jaymee, this isn't about you. It's about how Raymod treats me sometimes and how much importance he places on my well-being and welfare. When Jaymee came in Australia to visit, she wanted to use the phone line in my room to go onto Shinra. Raymod suggested using his PC, she said no...she wanted to use her laptop. I suggested dragging the phoneline from my room into hers coz it would be more convenient, she said no...she wanted to use my room. So I said okay coz I thought she was going to take a short time with it. Shinra was addictive, I didn't know it then. She stayed online in my room for quite some time. I had wanted to sleep at about 930-ish but I didn't want to tell her to go away because she was Raymod's sister and I didn't want to be bitchy about it. Raymod came in and lied down beside me. I had waited for him to tell her to go get some rest since it was already 10pm and I was having a headache. No...he never said anything till it was 11pm and I *told* Raymod that I wanted to sleep. Only then did he ask Jaymee to take a break and go to sleep. Your girlfriend is lying flat out, covering her eyes coz of the light, suffering from a migraine, getting all stressed out because I didn't get much sleep last night (from work and getting up early the next day to pick up her boyfriend's sister and dad at the airport) and she has to tell you that she wants to sleep. *sighs* I felt so unloved. *sighs* It hurts when all everyone sees is his side of the story and never mine. Admitly, it's because I never tell my side of the story - why? Because I always feel guilty and afraid of being honest. It was that bad...I was always fearful of speaking my mind because I know if I do it, Raymod would get all angry and upset with me. So I beat around the bush with it, and we get into fights that way. It hurts when everyone agrees that I'm demanding and that I'm bitchy without knowing fully well that I was under pressure, that I was being punished for doing that or otherwise. When I go out and hang out with friends of my own or even start confiding in other people, Raymod brings up the fact that "we were starting to close each other off" or he would pouted and say that he's lonely...and so I try to get close to him again...and I get punished for it. Every time we argued, it was about his needs, his space, his time, everything was about him - but it was never about understanding me, it was never about listening to me. And believe it or not, after feeling shortchanged, after still staying supportive of Raymod (of the patience and the love that I have poured into him and "us" ), I still feel guilty for not having done enough for him. I feel shortchanged because I have tried so hard, because I had loved him so much and I was willing to try again and he just throws in the towel and walks away - just like he had always done with every other conflict we had but never truly resolved. He is unhappy with himself and he takes it out on me, by his snide remarks, by his punishments, by his remarks of how happy he is to see me go home when all I wanted to do was to stay in Australia. That was liking rubbing salt into the wound. So I did the next best thing...I tried to ignore him - but loving him, I couldn't completely ignore him. So I stopped telling him my problems, I stopped confiding in him...I stopped talking to him about me. And we started miscommunicating...and well...we broke up because we were both tired of the pain and hurt. My needs were never fulfilled...and I was even faulted for wanting things, for having needs. *sighs* I'm tired of this venting, and it is a good sign...for when I get tired of replaying things over and over again, I really forget about it and let it go. All I wanted to do was tell Raymod how I feel, how much hurt I felt, how much pain I had to go through silently - that it wasn't just about how much he had suffered, but how much I had to suffer as well. It is finally over.|W|P|108737096697451813|W|P|The past as a reminder...|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/15/2004 07:04:00 PM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|I don't know why but somehow this song is stuck in my mind. Unfortunately for me, I only have the stupidly fast version. Am searching for a nice not-too-slow but soothing version. Techno blaring against the background of this song is just so wrong. Somehow this just seems perfect for what I'm feeling right now. I Need A Hero by Bonnie Tyler Where have all good men gone And where are all the gods? Where’s the street-wise Hercules To fight the rising odds? Isn’t there a white knight upon a fiery steed? Late at night I toss and turn and dream of what I need I need a hero I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the end of the night He’s gotta be strong And he’s gotta be fast And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight I need a hero I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the morning light He’s gotta be sure And it’s gotta be soon And he’s gotta be larger than life Somewhere after midnight In my wildest fantasy Somewhere just beyond my reach There’s someone reaching back for me Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat It’s gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet I need a hero I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the end of the night He’s gotta be strong And he’s gotta be fast And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight I need a hero I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the morning light He’s gotta be sure And it’s gotta be soon And he’s gotta be larger than life Up where the mountains meet the heavens above Out where the lightning splits the sea I would swear that there’s someone somewhere Watching me Through the wind and the chill and the rain And the storm and the flood I can feel his approach Like a fire in my blood I need a hero I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the end of the night He’s gotta be strong And he’s gotta be fast And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight I need a hero I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the morning light He’s gotta be sure And it’s gotta be soon And he’s gotta be larger than life .... Should I put it into writing knowing fully that he reads this blog? Should I ask myself questions that I am trying to get him to answer? Am I really helping him? I'm staring at this Nokia Starlight Cinema ticket that I have. It's valid for two until the 10th of July. My sister in law gave it to me - it was a complimentary pass. Perhaps I should ask someone else apart from him. But the thing is this: I don't want to go with anyone else. I spent sufficient time with my other friends - it's him that I'm more worried about. It's him that I want to see. It's him that I want to talk to. Why is this so hard for me? Perhaps I need to back off a little. Perhaps I need to stay away from him. Perhaps I need to be alone to think things through. Then again, my brain has been working overtime so much so that my head throbs very so often these days. I really don't want to feel this way. The uncertainty, the agony of watching someone I love go through something which I have gone through, the helplessness I feel... Maybe I'm trying too hard. Joshua thinks I need to relax, take my mind off things and just...relax. Now how can you when you face matters like this? *sighs* Know something? He haunts me in my sleep - in a good way...in an all too good way. Sometimes it frightens me; sometimes it reminds me of the hurt I had to go through OR will go through; sometimes it reminds me of my own fraility as a human. Once in a blue moon, I tell myself that I need a hero. I think today is such a day. |W|P|108729931319253963|W|P|I Need A Hero...|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/15/2004 09:03:00 AM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|*sighs* My thoughts became more disjointed than ever this morning. My brain went into overdrive as I was waiting for Mum to exit the bathroom. Why do I spent time listening to him? Why do I try hard to get his head screwed on the right way? Why do I want to do all those things? "You hang in there, Mei. Right now, you need to be stronger than he is. You have gone through situations like this before. Just hang in there..." It is hard for me to remain emotionally objective about him and what he is going through. It is hard because on one hand, I like the guy and I *want* him (*looks embarassed*) and on the other hand, I care about him too much for him to go onto a rebound and get himself hurt even more. There is part of me which doesn't want to pressure him into anything substantial with me. And yet, that part of me cannot help but wonder if what I am doing right now is appropriately right for him - emotionally. Am I really helping him? But that isn't even the worst that is to come...*sighs*...I have my own demons, demons which tell me this: I run the risk of things not working out to my advantage at all. I run the risk of failing to secure a love that I desire. I run the risk of watching him seek his happiness in someone else. So when the storm has died and all is quiet again, I subconsciously break out into silent tears. Perhaps this is why last night's sleep wasn't so restful at all. The heart is wary, the mind is noisy and the soul? The soul is restless. So many questions unanswered, so many risk to be fought alone...so much hurt to be carried. .... Why do people want to carry all their burdens on their own? Why do people find it hard to let go of guilt? Why do people question themselves? Why do people bury themselves in memories? Strange to see myself asking all these questions when I use to be just like him. Strange how the last final question reminded me of this anime I watched, aptly entitled "Memories"...about an opera singer who died a lonely soul and lived out the best years of her life grieving the loss of a love. Is this how God intended people to live out their lives? I doubt it. I had my fair share of living life, living every minute not knowing what I wanted, not knowing where I was heading...just ambling through life living in the memory of something which was good but has gone. As the heart yearns for the past, it grows bitter of the world around it, of the loves that come and go, of the joy that colours our experiences. As the mind remembers the good vividly, it also relives the hurt - every time the hurt deepens and the heart bleeds. And the soul begins to build walls, crawling and hiding itself deeper from the world until nothing is seen not even when you look into that person's eyes. All that greets you back is...nothing. Just nothing. A person with no warmth, a person with bitterness, a person with anguish...there are too many people like that in this world. Battered, crushed, burdened...do we need another person like that? A life lived being such a person isn't a life at all. You wake up one fine morning and ask yourself, "Where have all the years gone? What have I really done? WHO AM I?" only to find that you don't know those answers simply because you died. I like to think this way... With every failed relationship that I go through, part of me dies with that love and yet part of me is renewed again by the prospects of a new improved love. I was silly once upon a time, to think that my tears and pain would bring the person I love back into my life. So I lingered, never changing, drawing inward but not improving - my growth...emotionally, and mentally...was stagnant. I yearned for someone, I yearned for the good again without ever realizing that the good will come again IF and only if I choose to let go of the past, of that someone. When I look back, I wasted a good three years feeling sorry for myself, feeling angry at men, feeling bitter at the world for bringing such trouble upon myself, for not understanding, for heaping all the shit onto someone as wonderful and good as myself. I handled it alone and I handled it badly. I never realized this before but only recently: Sometimes we are burdened with such problems because it moulds us. As a teacher now, I see that. I am harder on my GOOD students, to the point where I can break their spirits. It isn't because I am envious. It is simply because they have potential to be better than me...and it is something that they deserve to have. And this is similar to how we seem to question ourselves every time we get loaded with problems. "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?" Because you have potential to be one of the more unique people on the planet. Because it builds you up to be the perfect mate...because somewhere out there, there is someone who is just waiting for you to get yourself into shape. It is hard to let go, but it is harder to live life without a soul. Choose and choose wisely. |W|P|108726371346595230|W|P|The night that came to past...|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/14/2004 09:43:00 PM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|For someone special... You are a good man with a good heart. It's hard letting go...and I know how you feel. I have been through it so many times. It hurts me to see you like this, to know that you hurt and yet I am powerless to do anything. I wish I could be near you, if not just to see you for one brief moment in time, it is to hold you in my arms and reassure you that everything is alright. I wish I could fly. I wish I could teleport. I wish I was telephatic. Then I would tell you all the good things about you. Then I would reach you. Then I would be near you. Then I would hold you close to me. But all I can do now is try to tell you that I am here, I will always be here when you need someone to listen to your rambles, when you need someone to talk to, when you need a shoulder to cry on. And I will always worry about you - even when you think I don't need to me. I care about you; perhaps more than you know. I am here. *hugs* |W|P|108722096178819459|W|P|*hugs*|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/14/2004 03:59:00 PM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|I have so many questions to ask - all revolving around the thinking of men. Why do men pick up girls at clubs? Why do men ignore wonderful, good women and go for the horrid ones instead? Why pick the dumb beauty instead of the smart plain Jane? Why strut like peacocks when the same effect can be achieved through being yourself? Is it just me that wants to know all this? *sighs* Maybe it's just me. I don't mind going to clubs, dance and be merry BUT the idea of being picked up there...well, isn't exactly my cup of tea - I don't quite have a positive image of men who go around picking up girls at clubs. And I seem to notice a trend in the amount of attractive that 'bad men' or 'bad women' get. And what's this about a man's ego in the club-house being correlated to the number of phone numbers that they can get? I suppose this is because all I have heard about guys who do pick up girls at clubs just revolves around one thing: sex. It's hard to believe that he wants to do that - pick up dames in a joint. Gawd. I reacted to it as if he were shopping for a whore along the seedy streets of London or some shit like that. Hmm... Then again, it could be just me. *shrugs* Men. Heh. [EDIT] Just got wind that the joint he and his friends are going to is full of prostitutes - mostly...OHGAWD. >< [DOUBLE EDIT] My thoughts are weird today. *lol* I reckon I'm more upset about the fact that I can't go clubbing this Friday with a good friend/companion than him picking up chicks. Hope he has fun, IF he is going...and careful too. Heh. |W|P|108720084574059681|W|P|Question(s) about men...|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/11/2004 07:43:00 PM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|Current music: You Raise Me Up by Josh Groban Current mood: Calmness albeit drunkenness Current thought: Am I in love with a real man or just a figment of my imagination? You Raise Me Up by Josh Groban When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary; When troubles come and my heart burdened be; Then, I am still and wait here in the silence, Until you come and sit awhile with me. You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains; You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas; I am strong, when I am on your shoulders; You raise me up: To more than I can be. You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains; You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas; I am strong, when I am on your shoulders; You raise me up: To more than I can be. There is no life - no life without its hunger; Each restless heart beats so imperfectly; But when you come and I am filled with wonder, Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity. You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains; You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas; I am strong, when I am on your shoulders; You raise me up: To more than I can be. You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains; You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas; I am strong, when I am on your shoulders; You raise me up: To more than I can be. .... This song never fails to bring tears to my eyes. Josh Groban has the right voice for this wonderful song - the feel, emotion...just everything that is beautiful about his voice completes the meaning of this song. I don't know what it is about this song that just makes me feel quiet...calm...and utterly alone. It is hard to explain. Just one word to describe it: ethereal. A picture of heaven floats before me and for that one moment in time, I see the perfection that this world lacks - in individuals, in people, in things...in love. For that one moment in time, when I close my eyes, I see... beauty... perfection... peace... love... everything as a whole, everything as flawless as it was really meant to be. If eternity was any nearer, I would reach out my hand to touch it. If eternity was any more closer than it is, I would never want to let go of it. If eternity was mine to grasp, I would die with thoughts of it on my mind. But right now, eternity seems so far away... Enough about my dreamy thoughts. I doubt anyone really cares about the ramblings of an idealistic scarfer. *shrugs* Anyway, I lost what little patience I had today with a student of mine. Her final essay was due on the 31st of May and she walked into the staff room today, with excuses about how her diskette failed her; how she had actually finished off her assignment but when she opened the diskette, it disappeared and how she had been trying to do it for two weeks now. DO I FUCKING LOOK LIKE I WAS BORN YESTERDAY? DO I FUCKING LOOK STUPID TO YOU? DO I FUCKING LOOK LIKE I CAN BE BOUGHT WITH SUCH A SIMPLE EXCUSE? I don't get her or those in the same shoes as she is. Geez. Why wait until I have sent TWO letters threatening to fail you before you want to do anything? Why wait until I have to say that I WILL call your parents before you want to submit your assignment in? Have I not reminded you time and time again that your assignment is due on the 31st May, that I WILL NOT tolerate any unfounded excuses like my PC contracted a virus? Didn't I tell you to always ALWAYS always back up your files, print out hard copies and even send a copy to your own email? Didn't I do all that? Didn't I say that if you HAVE any problems, come and see me IMMEDIATELY? Which part of IMMEDIATELY did you not understand? If you have been doing your assignment for the past two weeks, couldn't you at least have the courtesy to come and inform me about your progress? Is it so hard to walk into the staff room and say "Miss, can I hand in my assignment on when-and-when"? What so fucking hard about that when considering that you can show up for an exam? WHAT THE FUCK! DO I LOOK LIKE YOUR PARENTS? Do you not have the slightest bit of consideration for your parents, the kind of money that they are spending FOR YOUR EDUCATION AND EVEN ME? I have to answer to them - to why their daughter or son is performing BADLY. You get me? Face the facts: YOU ARE NO FUCKING A.C.E in class. You have potential but honestly, that potential is going down the drain! Why? Because you have lousy time management skills! *takes a deep breath* What do I have to do to get through to these people? *sighs* Eternity...what I would give for eternity to come now. An eternity of completeness, an eternity of fulfilled love, an eternity shared together with the one I love...just an eternity which I would die for. Apart from that episode above, things are going alright - or so I like to think. I am beginning to enjoy his company, and even though it's been very hard to see him because of work commitments on his side...I am still getting to know him a little bit more as each day passes. I like it this way - for now, at least. I found myself thinking more of his needs than mine. I want perfection for him. I want uniqueness for him. I want the moon, stars and sun for him. I don't want to hurt him...and neither do I want to use him. If anything, he deserves love and nothing else but love to accompany physical intimacy. In a way, physical intimacy with love IS perfection of love itself. While he may want it, it isn't what *I* want for him. And until he is ready for me and the love that I have to offer, my answer will always be a no. It's not because I don't find him attractive. On the contrary, he is the most attractive man that I have ever come across in my life - those eyes and that smile of his *melts* - but the thing is this: I care about him too much to just use him like that, to hurt him...he deserves a love first before intimacy or anything else. Until then, I'll always be here as a friend, offering support, encouragement and a listening ear. *hugs him in her mind* ps: Hmm...did I fail to mention that he reads this blog? *lol* |W|P|108695669439294958|W|P|Eternity - just for one second in time...|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/09/2004 08:48:00 PM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|I am alright. ^_^ It feels nice to have your head screwed back on properly. After a night of restless sleep and a morning of just talking things out with friends, it's just to be me again. I realized that one of my key faults is that I tend to over-analyze things. While it *is* helpful to a certain extent, it is dangerous as well. Simply because you tend to be very guarded and suspicious...thus it just eats into life. What's the point of living life fearing the worse? Ahh...that is no life at all. I would love to write down an entire list of what I have which is excellent about me, but I'm not one for apple-polishing myself. Heh. I know myself, I love myself...and frankly, I don't really need to tell anyone about all those things. *chuckles* Yeah...I think too much. About everything and anything. Instead of being fearful of whatever it is I am feeling, I just revel in it - just...feeling again. It makes me alive. Instead of questioning my worth as a woman or individual, I should smile at the prospects of a new relationship, new friendship, new opportunity. Life is too short to linger constantly in misery. Besides, he didn't exactly say no. ^_~ What I should be doing now is to be a good friend. That's the best that I can do...as a matter of the fact, the only thing that I can do. *laughs outloud* Anyway, I'll be getting my dress for the prom/dance for the Mass Communication Dept thing this Saturday. Am hoping to get some company to go along with me. I did ask BW but he's a bit hesistant...no biggie. There's always Grace. I'm thinking of going after work and trying on that dress again. If it's perfect, I'm getting it together with a nice black see-through shawl and some shimmery earrings to go with it. That night isn't going to be anything fancy - just simplicity all the way. No big hairdo or make-up thing - totally not my style. Just my hair down, earrings, a shawl, nice bag and that dress. Hmm...I wonder if BW *can* make it. If works comes up, then I suppose it's alright. I'll ask someone else to come along with me. No biggie. I don't want to stress him out and things like that. That's no way to treat a friend. Besides, I'm more concerned about his health and how he's gonna cope with the extra workload and stuff. O'well, it'll be a good excuse to take LOADS of pictures and flash them to him. *lol* |W|P|108678563895253059|W|P|Woookayyy!|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/08/2004 10:19:00 PM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|It is a strange feeling - like the swirling depths of a never-ending pool of self-inflicted misery and agony...and yet it isn't self-inflicted at all. Depression for some, is like an avenue, a way, a tool to release pain, tears and affliction. No one is ever too strong; no one is ever too perfect. We are only so much of what we try to be and yet we sometimes strive for perfection - even those of us who know that perfection itself is unattainable. Would it be any better if perfection was a thing of the norm? Would it be better if we were perfect and flawless in every way? I hate feeling like this...and yet I cannot help myself. I suppose this is what I mean by self-inflicted misery and pain. The rational part of me could just as easily straighten up and go "Chin up. It's not the end...", but the emotional part of me finds it hard to do so. Why? Could it be because depression allows the human heart and mind a inside peek to the hidden emotions, the subconscious emotions, the real emotions? For those of you who have been following my blogs, this is perhaps one side that very few people see - only the closest of closest and the best of best friends would understand and come to accept this as part of who I am. If anything, I am an emotional being - I love, hurt, and suffer from anything and everything in the biggest of portions. From betrayal to abuse; love to joy. One way of describing me would be this: I am an emo. Is it wrong? I don't know. Perhaps it isn't my place to wonder if it is wrong to feel this way. Perhaps it isn't my place to question the choices that have been placed on my shoulders to bear, my heart to feel and my soul to affect. Perhaps there is a truth when they say that there is no such thing as free-will. If the will was free itself, I would certainly never choose to be in a position such as this. I can't breathe easy. Can't sleep at night. Till you're by my side. No, I can't breathe easy. I can't dream yet another dream. Without you lying next to me. There's no air Is life ever fair? Can the heart ever get what it wants? Can the soul ever find peace? Can the mind ever find rest? I mean, why love...why like...why desire if it is something that you can never have? How do people find it so easy to wave the pain aside? Is there something wrong with me? Is life just as simple and wonderfully easy as taking two Panadols and getting rest? ...*sighs*... I never asked for this. FOR ANY OF THIS. I never asked to be saddled with the lives of nearly ninety students. I never asked to be saddled with the burden of educating, guiding and molding them. I took it in stride, I try my best and still, my best isn't f-cking good enough. And still I just can't seem to reach them. What makes me question myself is this: I cannot let it go. I cannot ignore the responsibility of the 'burden' that has been placed upon me. I JUST CANNOT GO TO SLEEP AND PRETEND AS IF NONE OF IT EVER HAPPENED. I never asked for a pained love. I never asked for a love that would never be returned. I never asked for a love that would die. I never asked for a love that was wrong. All I wanted was someone who would love me for whom I am - flaws and all - and understand me for who I was to become. I know what I am, I know what I have and I know what I am capable of feeling. I love strongly, and when I love, I love recklessly, with ardour and an abandonment that astonishes even myself. I love whole-heartedly, I love openly...and yet, why torture a soul that lives on loving? Why torture a soul that breathes on loving? Why attempt to break a soul that loves without boundaries? Despite falling time and time again into love affairs which all sour at the end of the day, I come up only to love again. Is this some cruel test? Is this some cruel experiment to see how many tears I would shed? For a love that I cannot have. For a love that I have lost. For a love that I have broken. Perhaps this is what my life is meant to be like. Just a picture album with lots of photographs that I have taken but nothing with my face in it. Just another face amongst a million others. Just another typical story. Another typical life. It never mattered anyway. Perhaps this life was never meant to be mine for the taking. Heh. Unfortunately when you're a Christian, you just have one life and one only. ...*sighs*... Know something? I am twenty-five years old. And I am beginning to hate the idea of falling in love. I am beginning to detest the emotion. I am beginning to dislike the feeling. And frankly, I'm tempted to make a vow of never falling in love again. And know something else? Knowing me, I'll never take up that vow. Knowing me, I'll never stop loving. Knowing me, I'll never stop hurting. .... I really don't want to feel this way. I really don't want to feel like I'm back in high school again, with an enormous crush on some guy for four years. I really don't want to feel the hurt, the pain, the tears. I still remember the feeling...the stabbing pain of watching and hoping and waiting. Gawd, how I hurt then. I shed so many tears then for a love that I couldn't have...and I don't want to shed anymore now. Somehow, the love just stopped being worthwhile. Somehow, I just want to hide in my room. Somehow, I just never want to see anyone. EVER. AGAIN. What is the point? Even with no expectations, there is still hurt. Would I be better off alone? No one to hurt back. No one to hurt me. Just the chance to walk away and not look back. ...*looks around tiredly*... I am tired. My eyes hurt. My mind is full. My heart is heavy. Not just from today. My eyes hurt from seeing what I cannot have, what I cannot do, what I cannot reach. My mind is full from thoughts of one whom I cannot have, cannot touch, cannot love, cannot reach. My heart is heavy...heavy with a burden of unrequited emotions that involve love and care. It is no one's fault. How can I fault someone for my own mistakes? My own choices? My own loves and wants? That would be so wrong, so unfair...so unlike me. ...Looking back, perhaps this is my life after all. Perhaps this is all I'll ever have. Perhaps this is all I'll ever be. Is this my life? Perhaps. Perhaps not. *shrugs* |W|P|108670856998675902|W|P|Is this my life?|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/08/2004 03:03:00 PM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|I have about fifteen minutes to put my thoughts into paper before the upcoming lecture. *takes a deep breath* First things first, work is being a bitch at this moment in time. I hate teaching diploma students - I mean they are a nice bunch - but half of them are really irresponsible, and just couldn't give a damn at all. They don't show up for classes or tutorials and when they do, they have this look on their face that just makes me want to give up and not teach them. I try to make the class as interesting as possible - as fun as possible...and still I get really soddy results for mid-term and soddy responses in class. WHAT THE F-CK IS WRONG? Am I doing something wrong? Why am I not reaching them? I'm getting tired. I have another 90 students to touch, to reach, to guide, to educate...and frankly speaking, I don't seem to be able to handle a good 40 over unruly students who just couldn't give a damn about themselves. I'm up to the point where I am beginning to tell myself that I really don't care anymore. How do you continuely care for people who do not want to help themselves? How do you continuely love for people who don't want your love? How do you continuely touch for people who hate being touched? *sighs* Sometimes I wonder if I'm a good teacher...if I am doing any good at all...if this is really the job for me. *takes an even deeper breath* As for me being attracted to BW, I have come to the point where the initial "WOOHOOO" is beginning to calm down a little, which is excellent. Most of my friends are seeing this stage as somewhat like a courtship, which makes my insides all giggly and what-not. If only they knew... Right now, I'm trying to calm down and take things easy. Why fly too high when you know for a fact that you have to come down? Why aim for the stars when you have difficulty finding your way among the trees? Why try too hard? Trying is good but there comes a time where even trying is pointless, especially with affairs of the heart. It is good to just let go and take things easy - something which I foresee I will have trouble doing. Heh. I'm never one for relaxing and taking things easy. I'm never one for leaving it to sit and hope something will come out of it. Nevertheless, whatever it may be, perhaps that is just what I need to do. So lets take a seat back, enjoy his company, get to know him better, develop a good friendship...find out what ticks and tickles him...and just maybe then...I'll think of how things will go, just maybe then. No guarentees. Just...maybe then. |W|P|108667912824985896|W|P|Hm...|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/08/2004 11:59:00 AM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|Ever once in a while, I came across that one song that brings some tears to my eyes. Somehow, somewhere, it hits a nerve, it hits a note and it brings tears. Good or bad, I have yet to find out...but here is today's song. More about today much later. Need to get myself together again. Heh. You Are (The Reason) by Air Supply Here's on the street a tear in the seam of pleasure and pain Life carries on a cloak of deceit brings honour to shame But the voice I used to know (Where are you now?) is the one I can't let go Chorus: You are the reason my faith in tomorrow A Distant horizon the one I must follow You are the first, You are the last I'll help you to see the light in the dark the sun through the rain until you are free and facing the truth that words can't explain But the truth I think you know (Tell me) I could never let you go Chorus You are the future from the past You are the spell that has been cast You are the reason my faith in tomorrow A distant horizon the one I must follow Chorus You are the first You are the last to me oom hm.....You are to me...You are |W|P|108666758718986551|W|P|You are the reason...|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/07/2004 10:48:00 PM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|I just realized that I have never been happier in my life until these past few days. Going out with and talking to BW, taking the dogs out for walks, playing my piano again and even singing along to the sounds of my dad's 25 year old guitar - wait a minute, I think it's older than me. O_O! Well, I mean to say, happier socially and emotionally - not that happiness in the regular, contrite sense. I feel...alive, and different. I looked back before and somehow noticed that I have never truly been happy in all my past relationships. I have never truly felt comfortable and I have never truly felt fluttery about anything...until now. I have always told myself that the key to thriving in today's world was passion; nothing but honest, raw, beautifully strong passion. Loving someone, loving something, just loving was something that I lived for...something which I believed I was built for. All throughout my life, I found that loving came naturally for me. As it is said, "The heart truly knows no boundaries...". I told myself that this was what I lived for without ever truly understanding it until today. Until now. I saw myself then - at the beginning of my youth - a young, innocent, pure heart striving to make life as wonderful as she could, striving to love as wholeheartedly and wonderfully as she could...striving to be appreciated, striving to make a mark. As the years passed, after each break-up, each heartache, a little bit of that youth, innocence and purity is lost. The ideals of love, the ideals of self...slowly chipped away. I remember losing part of myself, becoming totally cynical and bitter towards the world after my first break-up. I cried for days, I hurt for years - and in some ways more than others, the hurt never left. I began to doubt in the magic of love, in its mysteries, in its awe, in everything that was about it...and along the way, I settled for a living, unfulfilling mirror of 'love' called lust and infatuation. I thought it to be love...but I doubt it ever was love to begin with. I used to blame men for causing me the hurt and pain, but now I see that it wasn't just me that hurt. After speaking to BW and listening to him, I felt something. I don't know what it is exactly but it was different from when I heard Raymond talk about his ex-girlfriend. Part of me began to melt, and I began to understood what it meant, what I had become, and what I wanted to be. I began to truly heal, to truly understood what it meant by friendship being the starting point of everything, to truly understand what intimacy and sex meant...to truly feel again. I still haven't fully 100% healed...the fact that I'm gun-shy and wary of the power that the heart has over the mind is one of the reasons why I try to hold myself back sometimes. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, especially BW. Even though I have just known him for less than a week, I care about him...and the last thing that I want to do is toy with his emotions or hurt him. I may be stronger than most people - I have moved on plenty of times - but I cannot say the same for someone who is not me, someone is...in actual and true fact, different. The rational part knows that we both are not ready for a relationship, gut instinct tells me that he needs more time to adjust...so do I. How can I tell, especially about him? You see, whenever anyone speaks of a past, there is a certain pitch and tone to their voice that will give the listener an insight to their emotions and hearts. Couple that with the expression in their eyes, the gaze, the overall look of the face and you get the real picture of what that person really feels. Sometimes, the eyes, the voice and the face betrays the words uttered. While his eyes may convey a sense of warmth, sensuality and love, the tone in his words, and his overall expression portrays a sense of hurt, a sense of bitterness - not towards women but maybe towards the ideal notion of love. There is part of him that wishes intimacy again, yet fears it - perhaps in some ways, he *does* remind me of me. Perhaps in some ways, what I feel now, he feels it as well. It may be far-fetched or self-serving to think that he thinks like me or vice versa, but is it really so? Perhaps we humans aren't all that different from each other as we think we are. We experience, feel, think, develop fears and hurts essentially from the same things, if not in different ways. We all desire the same things - love, affection, companionship, understanding, family, self-worth, etc...we all want the same things - perhaps in different priority levels but essentially, aren't they the same? And yet, each of us is radically different from each other. "One yet half; whole yet incomplete; different yet similar" Perhaps I enjoy the company that BW provides because when I look at him, I see a reflection of myself...yet I don't. Perhaps I feel this way because when I look at him, I see another me yet a different me. Perhaps I feel this way with him because when I am with him, I feel whole yet imcomplete. I don't suppose I will ever find out...not this soon anyway. Not that I want to. Wouldn't it be nice to discover love again at a leisurely pace with someone whom I can truly be at ease with? If not love, then friendship, companionship...if not those things, then let it be this: the understanding of life and all that is in it. |W|P|108662142065290818|W|P|Just some disjointed thoughts...|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/06/2004 11:04:00 AM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|So I have been 'busy' since Friday - went out on a date with BW (well, two actually) and I didn't mark any papers, which was excellent - in a way. I need the break and I actually had a great time during both of my dates. ^_^ Friday, 7:30pm for coffee I left work at about 6pm and by the time I got home, I had just about one hour left to get ready, which wasn't really much of an issue. I didn't have dinner because of the backlash from lunch and breakfast - been finding it hard to eat a lot of lately. I think my stomach shrinked. Anyway, I was ambling around till 7pm and that was when Mum and Dad went out for dinner. Just as I was putting on my skirt, I got a call. It was BW. And he was outside of my house. O_O! WHAT?!?!??! I told him to wait a minute while I dressed. So it was a quick five minute change. Luckily for me, I had already put on some powder on my face and some mascara. By the time I got out of my house, there he was. He got out of his car and said hi and stuff. It felt weird at first coz none of the guys I ever dated did that - get out of the car to speak to the girl. Anyway, we went to Coffee Bean to get a drink; he parked his car pretty far away from the place but I didn't mind walking. And while we *were* walking, he kept teasing me about my legs coz I was in a very short skirt. *turns red* He opened the door for me, paid for the drinks and even waited for me to sit down first. And I just went all fluttery. We talked a bit and after that, walked back to the car and drove to his office. He wanted to show me the place coz it has a pool, gym and badminton courts and what-not. Along the way, we got stuck in a traffic jam and he started apologizing for it. That was interesting. But what made me feel so mortified was that I had to pee during the ride...ARGHHHHH! To which, BW laughed and started teasing me even more! >< When we did get there, he showed me the ladies, waited for me then walked me to his office and showed me around. The place is absolutely gorgeous, just like a resort...we talked in his office, swirling around the two chairs at his place and just laughing. He told me about his work, what was going to happen over the next few weeks and ocassionally the flirting came out. Towards the end, I noticed that he had a sore neck, so I got him to sit down and gave him a neck massage and he couldn't stop giggling at first - he felt embarassed, he said. Anyway, I think he was staring at me throughout the entire time coz facing us was a room with a full window and you could see our reflection - but I was busy concentrating on the shoulder massage to notice anything. I think he looked up and stared at me once. *shrugs* We left at about 11pm and he even wanted to say hi to my parents but since it was late and I mentioned that they might be asleep, he said he would do it another time. Gawd, that's just so sweet and nice of him. Later he sent me a text message stating that he got home and that he was going to sleep. ^_^ That night, I didn't sleep at all. I don't know if it was the coffee or the nerves or what. I enjoyed his company a lot and I wanted to see him again. I was excited about it. As a consequence, I slept for only three to five hours. Heh. So far, he was very gentlemanly...had the most cutest face ever - with a set of really gorgeous eyes and I like his voice - very nice, refined and soft. He has humour, wit, intellect and HE READS! ^_^ Saturday, 12 noon for shopping I left my house early that day - because I wanted to catch the early train, and walk around on my own. BW met up with me in front of The Body Shop at 12 noon sharp! And I had a little flutter going on in me. I waited for him to take out some cash and we ambled around before deciding to go to Dome for a drink. He wondered why I wasn't hungry...to which I said I wasn't because my stomach was...upset? After that, we went around looking for shirts for him and books for me. The teasing got heavier and I blushed even more. He offered to carry my books for me and we even went to this art gallery and sat down and talked for a bit. At one point in time, I mentioned I was sleepy and my cheeks were brushing against his shoulder coz we were both looking at this book I bought and he went "go ahead and sleep" and I just froze. >< Yeah, stupid me. Anyway, I showed him the dresses that I wanted to get - earlier he had went "you went shopping for your dresses without me?" and I froze - so I took him to the place and showed them to him and there was this one time, I showed him the backless dress and he went blank and smiled. *giggles* We walked around, looking for some of shirts he wanted to get and after each store he went in, he would go "your turn" and we would enter a store that was for women. He flirted with me again - and he was more heavy on the flirting this time, and I just went red. There were a few times where his hands brushed mine while he was handing back my books to me. While we were on the train, he got me to sit down while he stood and since it was hard trying to talk to me while standing, he bent and squat down for like the next fifteen to twenty minutes, and talked to me. And my face was next to his...ohgawd, he has such lovely eyes!!!!! I told him and he blushed a bit, smiled and went "thank you". There was this one time I went "I need a holiday..." and he was like "Urm...see how it goes, maybe at the end of the year, we can plan something - the two of us for a holiday somewhere but lets wait till the travel fair. Doris and her friends are planning something so maybe we can do something as well." Anyway, later that night, I called him to say that I got home but he didn't pick up. He called me back and I mentioned that I was bored. He said he had to go out with his parents. So I told him "I had a nice time today. Thank you." and he went "You're welcome" and I was like "If you wanna go out later, urm...gimme a call. chances are i'll be free and rotting at home." And he started laughing and went "ok". Saturday, 10:30pm BW called! O_O! I was so sure that he wasn't going to call because it was late, but he did. He said he wanted to see how I was doing and if I was sober or bored or doing something. But I was happy and excited that he called. I never waited next to the phone in my entire life before! But this time I did...well, sort of. I was hoping he would call but as time went by, I was getting a little bit down. And then surprise, surprise. Anyway, we talked for one hour and forty-five minutes! O_O! Just about stuff mainly...and then I told him that I was attracted to him, that I liked his company, that I would like to see him more often and get to know him better (it was Midnight's idea coz we made a bet - the bet was if he called, I had to put up leg piccies). He went shell-shocked at first - he started giggling/laughing. His words were: "I had no idea I had this effect on someone in 48 hours..." (this was in the beginning of the conversation). I was online, he knew about it and asked about the bet - coz that was how I broke it to him. And when I told him that Midnight wanted to know whether there was any negative responses to that, BW said "No, no negative responses." Hmm... I never felt so flustered in my entire life! ARGHHHHHH! He just wants me to be myself around me and that he had a very nice time with me, even while we were in the art gallery and it was quiet and we were just talking about stuff. After my 'confession', we talked a bit more - it was just him teasing me and stuff AGAIN! And he was asking things like how I felt around him, what I found comfortable about him, what I liked about him, etc and that was when he said that he liked me as a friend and that he was very comfortable around me and he didn't mind me touching him (that sleeping on his shoulder business - he was very comfortable with me getting close to him and even wondered why I didn't try anything 'naughty') - if I were to do so the next time. O_O! Then one of the topics that came up was the neck message. He was tensed during the neck massage, but didn't say anything. Me: I'm sorry. You could have told me...*sighs*...I'm so sorry, I had no idea. Him: Huh? No no...it was good. It was just that it was the first time anyone gave me a neck massage. Me: Oh. Him: When I'm more relaxed and stuff, I'll ask you again for one. Maybe the next time. (or something like that - I can't remember!). Anyway, he got worried when I told him I hadn't had dinner and he made me go eat something and towards the end, he said that he would call me tomorrow and definitely see me online on Monday. He's out with his parents now...so I don't think we're going to head anywhere when he gets back. And I wonder if he'll call. *hmm* Opinions? So far, it went well. I am attracted to him because of his intellect, his wit and the fact that he has this aura around him that draws me to him. I just feel extremely comfortable when I'm around him. It's as if we have known each other for years and I didn't have to be afraid to be truly me. He has the most loveliest of eyes - looking at them gets me all lost. They sparkle, they shine and the best way to describe them? Deep pools of silvery chocolate. He is polite, refined, a real sensitive gentleman...and he reads. Now what do I expect from this? Nothing. I told him because I didn't like playing games. I didn't want him to misunderstand me or etc. I like being honest and I appreciate honesty. I know it's too soon to tell anything, which was why I said I didn't expect or was expecting anything from him. I just thought he deserved to know. You see, when I like someone and when I have full respect for that person or trust that person, I always think it best to tell them straight-away. Of course there are hidden risks to it - like rejection and stuff - but sometimes, it just is better to say it outloud and move on with it. In regards to BW, now that I've told him, it's really up to him to decide if he wants to make anything from it, be friends or whatever. I would definitely like to get to know him more/better; I would definitely like to see him OR hear from him more often...that is a given already. Part of me feared telling him, part of me feared feeling the way I feel now - simply because of my experiences in the past. I'm a bit gun-shy about what to do...so for now, I'm just going to take things easy and be myself AND enjoy his company. ^_^ |W|P|108649267032530665|W|P|*squeeels*|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/04/2004 03:39:00 PM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|My brain is fried. I cancelled the ladies night out today. Why? Two reasons: 1) I have a "date" with an old friend whom I haven't seen in fourteen years ( ^_^ ) and 2) I don't really feel like seeing any of my students after compiling the results for Media Industries and Cultural Studies. But first things first... MY DATE Of lately, I have been exchanging messages with this person through Friendster. He found me through my primary schoolmate. Best part, I don't even remember who he is. But me being nice, just continued messaging him back. I was like "I think I know this guy...I think..." Heh. He sprouted a few very familiar names in his messages but I still couldn't recall who he was. Anyway, he gave me his email address for me to add him into Yahoo! Somehow we got onto Yahoo! and started chatting away and before I know it, he asked me out and he was very gentlemanly about the entire thing. We are slated to go out on Saturday - to the bookstore (HOW RARE!) - and interestingly, he wants to follow me around to shop for a prom dress. O_O! Anyway, last night, he called me!!!! *squeels like a school girl* HE CALLED ME! We talked for forty minutes - about my job, his job and people we knew and what not - and before I knew it, he was asking me out for a date on Friday. I was a bit flustered coz I didn't want to impose on him...but he said it was okay and that he didn't mind picking me up and sending me back - that sort of thing. And then he asked if I wanted to join him for badminton on Saturdays and that he didn't mind training me to get back into shape again. So yeah...we are meeting up later for a drink; he's coming to pick me up and we'll see how things go from there on. ... I haven't felt this schoolgirlish in ages. Have no idea what I'm going to wear - but chances are it'll be a skirt and a loose top (I have tonnes so it's gonna be hard). I'm going to let my hair down and wear my rim-less glasses. F-ck it. I'm not all out to impress him and what-not. I'm just going to be myself and if anything happens, it happens. ^_^ We'll see about the pictures. ^_^ |W|P|108633978095017865|W|P|Marking papers back to back isn't a good idea.|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/02/2004 04:18:00 PM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|I accidently discovered that my old journal is still up and running - although it is nameless. While going through it, I found a few memorable entries. Enjoy! November 24, 2004 - Svard, an old love of mine I spent a better part of my night yesterday writing to *blip*. My parents were out for some wedding dinner, and I was stuck at home alone - not that I mind very much. I miss writing with my fountain pen, so I subsituted it for a regular pen. I just hate ballpoint pens! What gives? I sometimes tell myself that if inate objects could speak, my pens would be the first to tell me that they hate me. Gah. Anyway, it was a three page long letter filled with ramblings that included my frustration with writing and one of my soulmates. I have a 'trinity' of my own - three soulmates whom I can relate to, whom I would feel incomplete without in one way or another. My best friend, and Svard. Svard...he is an interesting character. A Swedish guy now studying Japanese in Tokyo. I met him online over sixdegrees.com (now defunct) and started off a rather amazing friendship that has last over a period of four years now. I have never met the guy...have never spoken to him over the phone...all our interaction was done through online messages (at sixdegrees.com), emails and letters. Lots of letters I may add. Throughout our years of sending letters, we sent each other gifts - little stuff like a souvenir or two, stamps (I love stamps), stuff toys, presents... For my birthday - I think - he went to this antique store and bought me a very very old picture book of Rome. I have it sealed and wrapped up. On one occassion, he sent me a CD-postcard of the various sounds in Sweden. Sometimes, he would surprise me with lovely stamps/postcards for everywhere - if he had a trip to Poland, he would send me a postcard...during his one month trip to Mongolia, he sent me letters and postcards... I love reading his letters - they make me all fuzzy and tingly inside. If there was any emotion that I felt for him, it was love. I was in love with Svard long before I met Kyle, Adam or Raymond. I would always find myself running back to him after my break-ups, after my sad sorry states...I don't seem to know why. I just do so. Perhaps it was because he understood me well, perhaps it was because he was encouraging...in some instances, I suspect that the feeling was mutual. However, what I felt for him and what he felt for me was just never meant to be. Being realistic and practical even though he didn't want, we both pulled a halt on our emotions and remained as good friends, if not soulmates. But I doubt we ever stopped loving each other. I had placed my hopes in the ideal that we would get together...but I suppose it was never meant to be in the first place. Earlier last year, we finally got it into our heads that being attracted to each other and being in love without meeting wasn't real love. I was depressed when he said that he had chosen someone else and not me. I got even more depressed when he said that he WAS attracted to me. Before meeting Raymond, he was the only guy that I had ever seriously thought about settling down with. He - at that time - was THE ONE for me. So I spiralled downwards when I found out about that... I posted my emotions and depression in a thread on an online forum...and that's where I met Raymond. Still, sometimes I think about the good times I had with Svard...and how I would like that very much again. I wonder if he'll give me his address so that I can write to him again. I miss his letters... And till today, part of me still loves him...more than ever. *sighs* |W|P|108616464271693511|W|P|Memorable entries from my old journal - Part X|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/02/2004 12:38:00 PM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|I accidently discovered that my old journal is still up and running - although it is nameless. While going through it, I found a few memorable entries. Enjoy! I believe that men and women are partners not equals in a relationship. I believe in the idea and concept of a bigger picture in life and that we are the pieces that make up that picture. I believe that life should be lived as if there is no tomorrow. I believe that without love, you have never experienced life. I believe that in order to love first, you need to be hurt. I believe that no one is perfect. I believe that there is no such thing as a Mr/Ms Right. I believe that there is some inherent good in everyone. I believe that you don't need a camera or a video to capture the best memories in life. I believe that the best sensory 'tool' given to a human being is the gift of sight. I believe what makes is a human is compassion, mercy, forgiveness and humanity. I believe that people should be allowed to choose what they want to believe in and have the freedom to practice their beliefs. I believe that for every action, there is a reaction - positive/negative and direct/indirect. I believe in faith and fate - that everything has its purpose and time. I believe that what makes a person is his/her heart not their looks. I believe in true love and soulmates. I believe that people have a purpose in life - big or small, good or bad. I believe in finding your happiness in doing what you want not what you have to. I believe that no one should suffer and pay for another man's crimes. I believe that we should be better tenants for our rental space here on Earth by being more responsible for the environment and ecosystem. I believe in the concept of God, devil, ghosts, angels, demons and other supernatural aspects like ESP. I believe that good sex is in the emotion not the performance. |W|P|108615120741344597|W|P|Memorable entries from my old journal - Part IX|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/02/2004 12:36:00 PM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|I accidently discovered that my old journal is still up and running - although it is nameless. While going through it, I found a few memorable entries. Enjoy! So I just finished a chapter on theories of representation for the Media Industries Week 3. I was supposed to get started on the other reading for that same week but halfway through, my attention wandered off. Now whenever my attention goes, the first place I go to are the journals. Today, I picked Rubicant's journal and read it from the start. And I came across one of his drunk stories...18th April 2003, I think it was the date. But anyway, I couldn't stop laughing while reading about how wasted Corey got. And it reminded me of the time I got wasted as well - though not as bad as him. It was sometime in September 2002. At that time I was living on university postgrad housing - sharing a townhouse with another three people - three girls to be exact: one Swede on an exchange program, a Jap (Aya) doing a masters in environmental studies and a Singaporean (Yan Yi) reading a masters in finance. Damiano, the swiss guy came to live with us recently - about less than two weeks before this outing. Now living opposite our townhouse were Yan Yi's classmates - Tommy and Henry. They were always busy hiding in their rooms studying, just like her - as compared to my program and Aya's program. So during their break, they decided to go out clubbing on Friday night to celebrate just before their big road trip on Monday. And they managed to drag along a couple of their friends - a whole bunch of us went. Tommy, Henry, Matthew, Michael, Aya, Yan Yi, Andre, and two other girls - excluding me. I was dragged too, since they were always complaining that I never go out at night. So I got out my black/white blouse, my tight nylon skirt with a four inch slit up the front of one thigh and 3.5 inch black strap heels. Don't ask me why I choose to wear a fuckingly short tiny black skirt with a long slit during WINTER! >< Anyway, I put on my long woolen Matrix like coat and off we went to Darling Harbour in Sydney. They had rented a car, so parking it was a drag. We found a spot like 15 minutes away from the club the guys always go to...and we walked. Me in my heels and in a skirt...during winter. Well actually before we parked the car, we went scouting around for a bar - got stuck in this smokey joint for about half an hour with a Screwdriver (vodka and orange juice) and loud music in my ears. They got sick of it after a while and left for the old place. So yeah...walk I did. Along our walk, this Aussie comes up to Aya and starts whispering about how he likes Japanese girls because they have small tits. She ignores him and he giggles away behind us. So in the end, all the girls got sandwiched in between the guys - for 'protection'. Poor Aya...she blushed like hell! I talked to Michael a bit - Michael was always flirty on the dancefloor and out of it...it's his nature but he's very sweet and charming. Incidently, the club we arrived at is called the Sports Bar. Nice place actually. Rubi might like it! And after getting settled - picking out a table and a spot - the ladies decided to get drinks. Aya wasn't allowed to drink coz she would be driving. It was kinda obvious that we were all going to get plastered. I started the ball rolling by getting double shot Screwdrivers. Two of them - each lasted me fifteen minutes. Coupled together with the dancing to Nelly's "It's getting hot in here...so take off all your clothes..."...well, you can imagine basically what was going on. I was high...pleasantly high! W00tttt!!! And I love it when I get hot on the dancefloor! Especially when I'm sandwiched between two guys - Michael and Tommy! *coughs* So anyway, I take a short break and head towards the table. And just as I was about to sit on the bar stools... Henry: Mei, let me buy you a drink. Me: O-kay. (gets up and follows him and Michael and Matthew to the bar) Henry: Four Tequilas please. (to the bartender) Me: (in a small voice) WHAT? Henry: Go on. Try it with the salt and lemon. Me: Urm...(feels adventurous)...I'll skip both. (down the one shot) And I get back to the table and before I get to sit down, Michael drags me by the arm onto the dancefloor again. So dance I did with him. And Tommy and Henry were giving us notty looks. Gah. And then suddenly, the guys are buying me tequila shots! Tommy bought the second shot...and by that time, my head was spinning like crazy already. BUT I could still walk decently. To top things off, I was getting thirsty...so another glass of screwdriver - or was it beer? I can't remember now. Been a year since that happen. But I knew it was alcoholic drink. Michael then gets me another shot of tequila, and by this time, I'm giggly like crazy and pleasantly happy - so to speak. Utterly embarassing too coz when I tried to sit on the bar stool, I nearly fell off it! Luckily Michael had a grip on me and everyone else was too plastered/high to noticed. I am willing to bet five bucks on the fact that he had a nice time getting his hands on me. Gah. Anyway, he still was overly sweet and charming...and I was busy chatting to him till Henry decides to get me another tequila. I don't quite remember what happened after that...except for the walking back to the car with Michael's arm around my waist and him holding onto me for fear of me just collapsing on the ground. I was basically stumbling but relatively quiet and Michael was like: Michael: Watch out for the step. Me: Yeah. [/slurred] Michael: Hold onto me. Me: Okay. Michael: Slow down. Me: Uhhuh. Michael: Are you okay? Me: Yeah. [/chirply] Just...pleasantly breazy! Michael: Okay... (I swear he had the look on his face) So anyway...by the time Aya drove us plastered demons home, the initial high feeling was starting to wear out. And I did the craziest thing ever. I took off my heels and walked on the fuckingly frozen pavement! By the time I got into my room turned on the heater, flopped on the bed and stuck out my toes to warm them...I was wishing I hadn't done what I did. I remembered trying to keep as quiet as possible while going up the stairs to my room. I remembered stripping and throwing my clothes on the floor (when I would hang them up normally). I remember walking around my room buck naked and brushing my teeth while clinging on to the sink. I remember splashing some water on the table while I was drinking a small bit - coz of dehydration. I remember putting on a big sweater and nothing else underneath. And I remembered putting my head on the pillow and dozing off to sleep. Needless to say, the next day wasn't pretty. I got up at 7am (went to sleep at 3am)...and I had to cook stuff for the dinner gathering at my place - curry and etc. Ohgawd...my head was throbbing like crazy when I walked around in the kitchen a bit aimlessly at first. I downed some orange juice and then started cooking and that was when I realized that I was having a hangover. I mixed up EVERYTHING! Measurements went all wrong. Instead of adding one cup of water to bowl A and half a cup to bowl B, I did the exact opposite. Best of all, was the reaction on my Swiss housemate's face when he came downstairs for breakfast. Damiano: Good morning! [/chirply] Me: (standing with a mixing bowl and stiring stuff aimlessly with a frown on her face) Morning [/grumpily] Damiano: What time did you get back? Me: 3am. Damiano: You look like you're having a hangover. Me: I had four tequilas...(gives out a list of drinks I had) Damiano: Yup, hangover alright. Poor Mei. And he burst out laughing on the look on my face. I wished I had made the curry spicier than usual that day!!! I managed to finish the cooking...didn't burnt anything though I had to recook the rice coz I was suffering from my hangover, thus screwing up the instructions. So yeah...that was my drunk story. Damn...I miss those guys. Henry is now married, btw. And Tommy is back in Jakarta looking for a job as a teacher. Aya has got permenant residency and Yan Yi - last I heard - went over to Paris to finish her final semester there. |W|P|108615109259138136|W|P|Memorable entries from my old journal - Part VIII|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/02/2004 12:27:00 PM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|I accidently discovered that my old journal is still up and running - although it is nameless. While going through it, I found a few memorable entries. Enjoy! I am not: a doormat and neither am I a pushover. I hurt: when the people I care about are unappreciative of me and my efforts. I love: lilac, cultural studies, books, life, coffee (very much now!) and one man. I hate: wimpy men who are easily influenced by other people and self-righteous bitches who are butt ugly but think otherwise of themselves. *ugh* I fear: living life being a coward, being forgotten when I die, heights (mild one), and failing myself. I forget: that sometimes one has to be cruel to be kind. I remember: that I deserve the world, true love exists and happiness is when you are happy with yourself and who you are. I imagine: a utopia for the free and passionate spirit, gentle hearted lovers, and the modest, humble worker. I hope: for tomorrow. I crave: coffee. I regret: little for regret can be a burden that you don't need to carry. I care: too much for people who don't deserve it. I always: listen, feel, think, hear, see and ponder. I want: to always remain happy, cheerful, confident, strong and contented with my life. I feel: as if my world is now almost complete...just waiting for the right now to complete it. ^^ I listen: to music, stories, words - of love, life and knowledge. I hide: nothing. I pretend: I am in Sydney, walking along the quay, sometimes. I drive: defensively and soberly. I cry: when the pain is so intense that words fail me. I sing: all the time - for joy, for love, for peace, for fun. I dance: to the rythmns of life - not just to music. I write: out the past, present and future in the form of stories. I breathe: heavily when there is a burden in me. I play: the piano and guitar. I venture: into the unknown all the time with two feet firmly on the ground. I find: that beauty is in the heart and not the skin. I pray: that people would learn the error of their ways, grow up and be great - for greatness is not just about monetory or academic success, it is also about personality. I miss: Tim. I succeed: when I put my heart and soul into whatever I'm doing. I search: for the truth, and the human spirit. I learn: that sometimes things are not what they seem, that the strongest person may be the weakest, that the most confident of individuals may be the most insecure of the lot... I know: my worth. I joke: about many things. I say: carpe diem...even though it's old. I change: my students. ^^ I fail: when I do nothing. I dream: vividly and regularly. I believe: that no one is perfect but we can be consistent. I wonder: if they will ever realize that they need to change. I worry: about my parents, my future, my job, Tim and my friends. I wish: for an Australian PR. I fight: for the truth. I need: no one. I am: who I am. |W|P|108615075836084142|W|P|Memorable entries from my old journal - Part VII|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/02/2004 12:19:00 PM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|I accidently discovered that my old journal is still up and running - although it is nameless. While going through it, I found a few memorable entries. Enjoy! March 18, 2004 - My parents What is your relationship with your parents like? Be as in-depth as possible, maybe even telling us what's similar / dissimilar between you and your parents, how they taught you, what you've learnt from them, and what you disagree with, any major fights and so on. Looking back as far as I can, my relationship with my parents has always been untypical of any regular teen or young adult - or at least when I look at my friends and check out their relationship with their parents. Since my return from Australia, I can safely say that my relationship with Mum and Dad have moved from that 'parent-child' relationship to the 'adult-adult' relationship. There is much to say about my bond with my parents...in general, it is one based on respect, intelligence, love, diplomacy and more importantly, communication. As far as I can remember, my parents had always practiced an 'open communication' policy with me and my brother. Though they never brought their work home, sometimes I would ask my mum how her job was like - simply because she goes through more office politics and stress in her company compared to my dad. And my dad would always answer "Just as usual". Mum on the other hand had to put up with a lot of bullshit at the office and she stands her ground firmly. I sometimes feel utterly sorry for her because of the amount of shit she had to go through with my paternal grandmum (who has passed away now) and at work as well - although the shit at work has dwindled to the point of non-existence. I remember how my grandmum used to make my mum suffer. Three to four families in a four bedroom house and it was so hard on my mum. She would do things like picking on her, refusing to cook breakfast for my mum (while she did it for my aunts), constantly accusing my mum falsely, taking away items like toothpaste (so that my mum wouldn't be able to use it)...it was so bad until the only thing my mum could do was eat dinner with me and my brother in our room - even though we were living together as a family. And even when we moved out, we stayed near my grandmum. My mum would encourage my dad to visit my grandma and stuff like that. When my grandmum came to live with us like thrice, she did the same thing. She went around accusing my mum of not allowing her to cook when it was quite the opposite. The last time she stayed with us, my grandmum packed up EVERYTHING and left - without a word. And through it all, Mum was still respectful and loving towards the old lady...until the very day she died. I suspect this is the very reason why my mum is extremely lax and open towards my sister in law, and why she cares so much about me and my brother. My grandmum ran her family to the ground - my uncles don't see each other at all and reunion dinners for my family is never with my cousins - it is between me and my family. Mum once told me that she never wants that to happen to her family and that is why she cares a lot about how me and my brother communicate with each other and the relationship between her and Dad. My parents are an affectionate bunch. They go on 'dates' almost EVERY NIGHT, they still hold hands, and sometimes during functions, my dad walks her to the toilet and waits for her, he holds the door open for my mum...they are just like newlyweds. And my parents learnt one thing: they never take sides for children. Dad once told me "Your mother is my wife and I love her very much. Do not expect me to take your side just to spite her." And for that, I absolutely respect him. He stands by her, as a husband should and so does my mum, as a wife should. Even though he understands my issues, he approaches it with tact and diplomacy - and he DOES NOT take sides, he does not get involve between my mum's squabbles with me...and he is always there for her. I had a very happy childhood...I had a great time growing up as a teen...even though I had issues with my parents. Who wouldn't? Growing up and everything. But I understand that sometimes parents too have a tough time - you don't have a parenting guide/manual when you have babies. It's all trial and error. I also understand that no matter what happens, my parents will always love me and be there for me - it does not need to be said. As for my parents being proud of me, well...I already know that they are proud of me. From the way their eyes shine whenever they introduce me to their friends, from the way they sound whenever people ask them what I work as, what I did and etc - I know I have made them proud and I know that I have been a good daughter. If anything, Dad's letter to me when I first arrived in Sydney told me so... DAD My father was from the Royal Malaysian Air Force, retiring in the early eighties and settling for a job in the Malaysian private sector. He is a good and humble man filled with a lot of wisdom, love, discipline and charm. Strangely, my father and I have never disagree violently about anything - even though our opinions about Malaysian politics, certain individuals in society and issues differ radically. If anything, my father is a wonderful role model, the epitome of an ambassador...someone whom I model myself after. Till today, he is a guiding and gentle teacher - and in some instances, when we sit down together to talk, he sees me as his peer...as an adult...as a reflection of him. Qualities I picked up from Dad: Diplomacy, tact, friendliness, principles, discipline, wisdom, maturity, understanding, street-smartness, critical thinking...in short, a heart, a mind and a soul. Disagreements/Major fights: I can't seem to think of any. Dad and I always talk things through - about politics, economics, people, matters of the heart, friendship, life, humour, alcohol... How he taught me: Dad never uses sarcasm or insults to get his message across - and I will always love him for that. He can be very insulting if he chooses to be, but he never is towards me or my brother. Many a times, he would call me for a sit-down, gently tell me the error of my ways and suggest that I have a think about them. As far as I can remember, Dad never held a cane to me or threaten to throw me out of the house. He was always loving and gentle in teaching me...not to mention patient. And when I *do* change, he is always there, praising and encouraging me. If anything, what I do in life and who I am is greatly influenced by him. What I learnt from him: Apart from learning how to drink from him, here are just a handful of some of the many things I learnt from Dad - 1) Never panic in sticky situations - be it driving or otherwise. 2) It pays to be street-smart. 3) Your tongue is the most powerful of instruments and it is often the thing that drives people away from you. Be courteous, tactful and diplomatic. 4) Knowledge will get you anywhere in life...and learning is a continuous process. 5) Initiative is important. 6) Life is meant to be filled with happiness and humour. Being too serious is bad. 7) Take things easy. Sometimes laughter is the best thing for the soul. 8) Be brave. Memories about Dad: I was studying in Taylors once - for my A\'Levels - and I was having a hard time coping. Being eighteen and just six months out of the hospital (from my open heart surgery), the workload was getting to me and I was growing increasingly happy. I remember still being asleep at 6:30am in my bed, under the quilt, when Dad steps into my room, sits beside me and gently wakes me up with a nudge. Me: Huh? (sleepily) Dad: Are you having problems with your studies? Me: Urm... Dad: It's okay. You can tell me. I won't scold you or yell at you. Mummy tells me that you're afraid to tell me...it's ok. (strokes my hair). There is nothing to be afraid of. I understand what you're going through. If you have problems coping, it's always better to stop now than carry on and being dissatified and unhappy. Me: (quiet) Dad: Don't worry about the money or anything like that. What we want is for you to be happy... And so I talked to him, I told him that I was beginning to buckle under the constant homework - no time to relax - and I just couldn\'t cope. He smiled, gave me a kiss on the forehead and told me not to worry. MUM My mum is...a Hong Kong mafia triad boss. Just kidding. She is a strong, aggressive, organized woman who is filled with loads of talent when it comes to maintaining a house...and love - plenty of love, not to mention patience. Unlike me and Dad, Mum and I have a funny loving relationship - we squabble about anything and everything and sometimes, we just have fun doing so. She is somewhat like a best friend to me - she\'s always there when I need a hug, when I need a chat or when I need a shopping companion. She\'s...motherly. Qualities I picked up from Mum: Aggressiveness, the ability to use my tongue as a tool, cooking, patience, beauty, friendliness, humour, and my other feminine qualities - I learnt about what it means to be a wonderful WOMAN from her. Disagreements/Major fights: Nothing major - we often have our disagreements but it never gets into things like "Get out of my house!" sort of thing. The last so-called major fight was in Sydney which we got over it by hugging, crying our eyeballs out and chatting at the end of it. How she taught me: Two ways: with an iron fist and a sharp tongue. Just kidding. She\'s a bit like Dad save that she is more loud about it. What I learnt from her: Apart from learning how to do my make-up, and be a great cook (and crochet and cross-stitch), she taught me: 1) Beauty is in the character but that doesn't give you the excuse to look like shit. 2) Knowledge and education is extremely important. 3) Find a man who loves you more than you love him. 4) The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. 5) A man will want a wife who knows how to care for him in every aspect. 6) You are a woman - act, look, and behave like one. 7) Money should never be an issue among friends, and especially among family. 8) Don't get involved in office politics. Memories about Mum: Too many to list down...that one month holiday trip with her, the endless shopping trips, the times when I would just go out for a coffee with her, when people tease us about being sisters during family gatherings, my graduations, when we take walks together, when we just sit down outside the house to have a chat, when we give each other fashion tips...too many. Half of my memories are filled with images of her and me laughing and having fun. |W|P|108615045791222662|W|P|Memorable entries from my old journal - Part VI|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/02/2004 12:14:00 PM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|I accidently discovered that my old journal is still up and running - although it is nameless. While going through it, I found a few memorable entries. Enjoy! April 1, 2004 - Thoughts...just my thoughts on time It would seem that it has been ages since I did some reflective thought on paper (my journal in other words). I'm always reflecting on life, even though most of the time, it is just a fleeting thought at best. And today, I had several fleeting thoughts: aging, my body and time. Lets start with the most interesting of bits first...TIME - yes, I'm going to talk about time first. Mainly because it leads up to the rest of my thoughts for today. TIME My blog-city journal is looking at its 200-th entry and its first year anniversary. Yup, I started my journal on April Fool's Day last year and since then, I have had close to 5500 views and now, two hundred entries. Today, as I was on my way to work, I thought of time. It would seem that time has a habit of flying past by you so quickly that when you do notice that it has gone, things would have moved on to become so radically different from before. Six months ago, I was still in Sydney, packing up my things and getting to ready to leave that city - even though I didn't want to. One year ago, I was still in a relationship, perhaps sitting on the carpet of my townhouse and punching in the first journal entry for my blog using Roy's computer. And all of it seemed like it was just yesterday. It used to be hard for me to imagine studying for three years for my bachelors. It used to be hard for me to imagine being in a job for long. It stopped. BUT...sometimes it is hard for me to imagine how I could ever survive a full two years in Malaysia before attempting to get my permenant residency status for Australia. Sometimes it is hard doubly hard to imagine how I could last for two years in a long distance relationship. But when I look back at my life and how things have gone by so quickly, I sigh and tell myself that "time goes by quickly...it'll all be over soon enough and on its own good time...I better enjoy it while I still can, while I am still alive, breathing and living...". Man can never understand the full power of time and the uncertainty it brings. Being just 'human', we'll never fully comprehend the tools of time and what it means to live life as it is, for every moment, for every dream. And yet...this brings me to my next train of thought... AGING I am aging. I am getting older. The years are passing by me faster than I thought. Just six months ago, I was celebrating my 24th birthday. In six months, I'll be 25 years old. And as every month slips past, as every year passes by, I look at my parents and I begin to feel the issue coming down on me hard - I am no longer young. My parents are getting older, so is my brother, so am I. And with the aging, comes the thoughts of responsibility, maturity, more responsibility, stability and companionship. When you are young, you can afford to make mistakes, learn from them and move on. You can afford to squander time because it would seem that time is awfully slowly before you hit your mid-twenties. But after that, mistakes are a luxury that you cannot afford to make - for with each mistake, time is wasted and so is energy. Time becomes a precious commodity then. As you grow older, your plate of responsibilities increase - once cared for by others, you now bear the burden of caring for other people not just physically, mentally, emotionally but also financially. You have responsibilities at the workplace and at home - and when people settle down and start families, they have to care for TWO families - their own and the one they grew up in. There is a saying that goes "Time flies by you faster after you hit your mid-twenties" and honestly, I am beginning to feel it. It is hard for me to react to things as a young teenager, it is hard for me to push away responsibility, it is hard for me to ignore mistakes or make them...all of it involves me expanding time which is a luxury that I cannot afford to waste. And the most obvious sign that time is hitting hard on me is what I can see...every day when I look in the mirror. MY BODY The wrinkles that are beginning to show. The white hair that is starting to surface. The stress which is evident. The tiredness that is taking its toll on my body. My body is aging and changing. I can feel it. Sometimes it worries me, sometimes it puts me in perspective of things, sometimes I get too busy that I don't even see the signs anymore. But I can feel it. I pay the price for it whenever I stay up too late, or whenever I don't get enough sleep, or whenever I eat too much/too little...I pay the price of it the next time when I get up and look at the mirror. That little wrinkle that once wasn't there is now there. Those dark eye circles. The breasts that were once firm and round. The skin which was once baby-smooth. The youthful radiant glow. Today, I chanced upon a thought. I never gave it much thought but today I did. How many women did you know never wore make-up even until their fifties? Chances are it would be very few. You can get away without wearing make-up when you're young. As a matter of fact, it makes certain people more beautiful. But the moment you hit your mid-twenties or late-twenties if you're lucky, make-up has become a necessity. I wonder why is it that we cannot embrace aging as a positive thing? A matured women with tasteful make-up is viewed as presentable, and sophisticated. The same woman without make-up is seen as house-wife-ish by nature and lacks sophistication or chic. Women these days seem to take aging negatively...that little wrinkle is frowned upon...the once firm round breasts which are now slightly pointy and no longer firm...the fine strands of white hair...and I find that I am no different. Sometimes I worry about my looks and the way my body is changing. And the problem is this: I can't do anything about it. Time is one thing which I cannot ever stop - something which I learnt a long time ago. And thus I cannot stop aging. I could always fight it - wear as much make-up as possible, go under the knife just to preserve my good 'youthful' looks...or I could embrace it and find ways to slow down the process or work my way around it. There is a reason to why I listen to soothing music, there is a reason to why I watch my diet, there is a reason to why I have changed my outlook on life. I am no longer young. My body is no longer expandable. While I was young, I could get all stressed out and still feel hyper the next morning. I could stay up all day for 36 hours straight without any sleep and look bright, radiant. If I were to try that now, I wouldn't make it past 16 hours without sleep. And if I *did* stay up, I would look utterly horrible or FEEL utterly zonked out. I used to care less about my body when I was young. But these days, I watch my diet...I try to care for my body as much as I can. With time being a bitch and passing by so soon, I sometimes find myself having to push certain things aside just to give my body the right amount of pampering. I need to give my face a facial, I need to go for a jog, I need a massage, I need to sit down in a quiet place and read a book, I need to do so many things just to keep myself feeling young and my body feel good. Someone once told me that to find out how you would look like when you were fifty-ish, was to look at your mother or father now. Hmm...but that is discounting things like how well you take care of your body. And while I like to think that I have been doing an excellant job, I haven't exactly. WHICH IS BAD! My last facial was like four to five months ago (I used to have self facials like every two months), my last exercise regime was three months ago...and the last time I enjoyed myself...well, that was last night - which isn't so bad BUT still bad enough. I worry sometimes. But I do not want to fight it...I want to embrace this change in me. Yes...look at my pictures and you'll see the change in skin texture, you'll see the change in my face, you'll see some wrinkles, some white hair, some pigmentation, some stress, dark eye circles...I look at my body and my breasts are no longer what they were before when I was sixteen. Luckily for me, I still have firm muscles and I am not thatttt old. I don't wear make-up - even to work. Subconsciously, I suppose I am trying to tell myself that I'm not afraid of portraying myself WITHOUT make-up. Besides, almost everyone in this office doesn't wear make-up. We just don't see a point in it. This is just one phase that I'll have to go through at every turn of my life - when I'm in my thirties, fourties, fifties and so on. But I do not intend to live an imaginary life and I do not intend to live a skewed perception on the one thing that I should embrace and not try to change. "Fine wine ages with time" - remember that quote? ...well, I intend to become a fine wine - full stop. |W|P|108615015833726622|W|P|Memorable entries from my old journal - Part V|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/02/2004 12:13:00 PM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|I accidently discovered that my old journal is still up and running - although it is nameless. While going through it, I found a few memorable entries. Enjoy! April 9, 2004 - The Game of Love Over the course of these two days, apart from my work, my thoughts have been centered on a few issues that is not really related to the above two...or at least, not directly related to it. I conversed about it with a few people, got myself differing opinions and came to understand what it meant to me personally... But just so it looks coherent, let me break it down into an FAQ-sort of thing. Bear in mind that these are my personal opinions on the matter - so I can be wrong but essentially this is what *I* think. What is love? I will not attempt to describe what *exactly* is love - but I do know that love has a few characteristics, best described biblically below: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices within the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails..." - 1 Corinthians 13: 4- 8a Now, someone once told me that love was like a weaver loom - a few threads of this and that makes up what we know of as love. If a certain thread is missing, the weave is not complete and thus, reflects on the kind of emotions we have towards someone - that feeling of incomplete, unfulfilling love. And yes, I reckon that there is such a thing. It is like that feeling of emptiness even though you are with someone whom you 'love'... There are a few types of love as academicians seek the answers to the question above - eros, agape and platonic (the ones that I can remember anyway... ^^ ). Eros love is the one that revolves around passion, infatuation and lust. Personally, this kind of 'love' is fleeting, unless there is something else to hold the two people in question together. For fire, without anything else to feed on, will die. A match cannot continue burning - unless it is fueled by something else...and this is what erotic love is about. Agape love is said to be a love that is unconditional, and accepting in every way. It is a love that transcends lust, infatuation, passion, hurt, pain - or at least that was how I saw it. Most of the time, agape love can be reflected in the kind of love our parents have towards us - or at least how *most* of parents feel towards their children. More often than not, agape love is one that is characterized by some form of sacrifice; be it physical, or non-physical. Agape love may seem almost like matrydom to some; but personal, this is the highest level of love that one can have for something/someone. How many of us would volunteer whole-heartedly to die for a loved one? Platonic love is best described as a love that is evident between two good friends. It is hardly ever based on lust/desire and neither is it fully unconditional/sacrifical in nature. More often than not, platonic love is highly characteritized by the ability to communicate well, and good, steady interaction between two people. It can last extremely long - exemplified by certain long friendships that have survived decades. Now, once that is said and done...I personally feel that love doesn't require you to be with that person perse. Sometimes situations dictate that you can never be with the person whom you love. Nevertheless, you can still love someone from afar, but that kind of love is no longer the erotic or romantic kind - it has somewhat transcend or morphed - if you will - into platonic love. So how do you go about the business love? The game of love - as the cliche goes - involves several steps. For me personally, it starts off with courtship, dating, engagement & marriage, maintanence and lastly, retirement. Courtship - This is the first step to establishing a romantic relationship. More often then not, eros or platonic love will be present in this stage. How it develops further will depend on a few things, namely time and the two people. Courtship is all about getting to know someone, but more importantly, getting to know if they fit each other well. The basics of getting to know someone includes all the little details like what their personality, their interests, their principles, their thoughts on certain issues, their tastes (when it comes to certain things). It is all about hanging out together. Communication issues get ironed out in this stage of the relationship. These days, courtship is often mistaken for dating (which I'll explain further one). Dating - Once the couple establishes that each is good for the other, dating comes in. Dating is another step to getting to know someone but this time it's about how the two tackle issues together - it can be challenges or problems (like distance, health, yoyo emotions, etc). Dating is often a process in which all the dirty little secrets about your partner comes out. Couples in this stage are 'expected' to get more intimate on an emotional, mental, and pyshical aspect. Now a lot of couples tend to jump straight into this stage - which sometimes ends up alright if they *can* communicate with each other. However, most of the time, couples who jump to this stage run into a lot of problems with acceptance of their partners and they end up either getting hurt or abused (mentally or otherwise). And in most instances, not many people make it to the next step with their first loves. Now when I talk about first loves, it doesn't necessarily mean the first person you dated. It means one whom you really truly feel strongly about - and the emotion isn't motivated by lust. Engagement & Marriage - And this is the part where most people look forward to doing with the 'right' person. To seal that love as forever, and more interestingly, to announce to the world that this is someone whom I truly love, someone whom I will always want to remain faithful too, someone whom I want to have children with and lastly, to tell the world that if I fail to do all these things, I'll have to answer to the witnesses (guests). Marriage to many becomes the final step in the hierarchy of relationships. It is what most people aim for when they get serious about someone - to spend a lifetime with that person LEGALLY in the eyes of the law. Maintenence - But it doesn't stop there. Just because you are married to someone doesn't mean you stop putting the effort into maintaining the love, maintaining the communication the communication ties or maintaning the bond. What makes marriage a challenge is the maintenence - keeping the flame alive, and more importantly keeping the flame alive while your physical body changes. While sex becomes an intergral part of marriage, one has to understand that the sexual drive decreases with age - and towards the end of a person's life, what makes relationships/marriages fulfilling may be the most important thing keeping it alive - how well you can communicate with each other. It is from communication that you learn to understand, respect, and adapt to your partner. Retirement - The end of a relationship comes when one partner passes on and the other becomes a widow/widower. The relationship becomes a living memory through children or just a memory in the mind. How do you know that it is love - personally or otherwise? To simply put it: It is love when the lust is long gone AND you still find that you are joyful, and fulfilled. Why do I say that it's love when the lust is gone? Because infatuation, and lust tends to cloud the mind into thinking that the emotions felt is love. As said earlier, passion is like a flame. If there is no fuel for the flame, it *will* die and what is left is whatever that couples have - be it interests, communication or whatever. In many instances, there is nothing concrete there. Why joy and not happiness? Because I believe that happiness is temporal but joy is forever. You can be happy in one instance and lose that happiness because of something. But joy is something that is always permenant - even though sadness and affliction. Why fulfillment? Because the hallmark of love is that you can be fulfilled not just with lust alone but with other things. If a couple is not feeling fulfilled - that means something is missing or something is wrong with their relationship - it also means that something is incomplete with the entire equation. Fulfillment doesn't necessarily mean physical fulfillment. It also means emotional and spiritual fulfillment. If after the lust has gone and all you feel is nothing but irritation, disappointment, guilt or etc - it is safe to say that that isn't the person for you. And chances are it isn't love that you feel either. For love is the following: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices within the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails..." - 1 Corinthians 13: 4- 8a Being impatient, cruel, envious, boastful, vain, rude, self-seeking, anger, guilt-tripping, malicious intent, doubtful, pessimistic, dishonest and easily disheartened IS NOT being in love. How long does it take for a person to love someone? As long it takes for you to really REALLY know someone. Now when I mean know, I do not mean knowing his name, what he likes to eat and all that. I mean knowing what ticks him off, knowing what his fears are - the things that people don't normally reveal to other people...that sort of thing. Knowing someone means knowing the good and bad of someone - and for some people, it can take a lifetime. It is subjective but having said that, personally, I feel it ackward if couples were to whisper speeches of undying love within the first two weeks of knowing each other. Friends who develop love interests in each other may find this step shortened for them as friendship develops over time and involves understanding, acceptance and knowledge of that person. Why the waiting game? Because time plays a key factor in determining the success/failure of a relationship, the sincerity of a loved one and with time, comes other 'tests' (problems, issues) that will be some of the many challenges that a couple faces. If a relationship is based on anything but time, that means taking things fast, one may find that at the end of the time, infatuation turns into love for a shadow and a thought - which may end in heartache for both parties. Infatuation and rushing things may cause one to create an ideal or a perception of the person that you are attracted to. Besides, consider this: it takes time to truly know someone. Rome wasn't built in one day, as the cliche goes...so what more love and a fulfilling relationship? Once that is said and done... What about the physical aspect of a relationship? Personally, intimacy will come naturally. Depending on how you value intimacy and the role it plays in relationship, that will be how important it is to your relationship. Taking things slow involves cutting back on intimacy because in courtship, more often than not, intimacy kills communication. When sex is all that you do with your partner while you're supposed to get to know each other, at the end of the day, that is what your relationship will be based on - sex. And when erotic love (passion, lust and what-not) dies, what then will the relationship be based on? Nevertheless, there are a few things to take note of when it comes to sex and relationships. Not all men or women are searching for a lifelong commitment. Some are merely interested in sex. Having said that, one of the reasons why I did not include sex in the process of courtship is for that reason alone - to gauge if a prospective partner is sincere about their affections and emotions towards you; or if they just want sex. ... I think I have said enough...I have more, but my brain is completely fried from thinking about this. *ugh* |W|P|108614988093617102|W|P|Memorable entries from my old journal - Part IV|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/02/2004 12:06:00 PM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|I accidently discovered that my old journal is still up and running - although it is nameless. While going through it, I found a few memorable entries. Enjoy! ...It was Easter last year... When he came into my life. He was different from the rest. And so I choose him over another, Another who was far away. This were quick and hurrid, I must admit, I told myself that this was love. I told myself that this felt right. It had to...it was too good to be true. I thought he would change my life, I thought he was The One. I gave my all to him, I put my faith, my love, my trust... Most of all, I place my heart in his hands. A decision which I would later come to regret. As time went on, I came to love a shadow, I lived in denial of the problems, of the wrongs. I gave myself to him wholeheartedly And yet it felt wrong...it still feels wrong. Three is a crowd, they say... It was four with us and awfully crowded too. Yet I stayed on, And I paid the price for my choice. A price paid with pain, bitterness; Anger, betrayal and guilt following me at every turn. I don't know if he ever did loved me. I don't know if he ever did care for me. I don't know if things would have been different. All I do know is that things are over. One and a half years ago, I died, It was a bitter-sweet death, Something that will always be with me, No matter how much I try to deny it. It used to hurt being me. But right now, it never felt better. ...This Easter... I found myself. Someone whom I gave up for a mistake, Someone whom I knew as a friend, Just...me. Sometimes I wished things were different, But life was never about regrets... Life was always about living. I found my reason for living, for achieving, for perfecting... One and a half years ago, I died. This Easter, I lived again... |W|P|108614960166467606|W|P|Memorable entries from my old journal - Part III|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/02/2004 12:05:00 PM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|I accidently discovered that my old journal is still up and running - although it is nameless. While going through it, I found a few memorable entries. Enjoy! My best friend is one of a kind. The unique kind. The 'I want to be her' kind. I see her and I stand in awe of her beauty, her character, her charm. If anything, words are never enough to describe her. Granted that we have been through a lot - work, studies, distance - but we never fail to be around for each other. I never compared her to anyone simply because she is unique, she is her own self. She has come so far in her life and I am very very proud of her. This is one woman whom I would marry if I was a man. J, You remember when I first met you? Gosh, you were such a surprise! So quiet, so shy...but underneath all that - my, what a firecracker you turn out to be!!! I look at you then and I look at you now - and I am still surprised every day. The beautiful, charming, loving you. We are so different, yet we get along so well. The beauty of being your friend is just being with you, sharing your life, knowing that whatever I am, you will always be there for me and vice versa. I am so proud of you, gurl...so proud of having the honour of being your friend...so proud of being with you for six years and still counting. Throughout all those years...throughout everything...your heartaches, my pains, your dreams, my hopes, your happiness, my joy - we shared all that and more. Even now with our busy schedules, we try to make time for each other - a call sometimes, a drink...we make the time. We think of each other...or at least I do. I never told you how much I missed you when I was in Australia. I missed hearing your beautiful laughter, seeing your wonderful smile, I missed you so much. I remembered all those slumber parties...when we would sit and laugh, gossip and what-not. It was just the two of us but it didn't matter. I treasured all those times. One of my best memories was just spending time with you. And yet deep down inside, I always knew that you would sail through life strong, happy and contented. If anything, gifts never mattered to me - what was more important was your friendship, your companionship, your love...YOU...gifts were just a bonus thing. Gurl...deep down inside, you'll always be the sister that I never had, you'll always be someone close and dear to my heart...you will always ALWAYS be my best of friends. I love you, J, and words will never be enough to describe how much you mean to me. |W|P|108614939278975135|W|P|Memorable entries from my old journal - Part II|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/02/2004 12:03:00 PM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|I accidently discovered that my old journal is still up and running - although it is nameless. While going through it, I found a few memorable entries. Enjoy! Over the twenty-five years (or soon to be, rather) of living on this planet, I made myself a few promises - some have been fulfilled, others are in the midst of fulfillment. 1) That I would look back at my school years and have no regrets. I made a lot of sacrifices during my school years - from the time I hit puberty until I was eighteen. And most of it involved a reduction in my social life, particularly with boys. Sure...I had loads of girl friends, a few boy friends - from church - but I was always at home, being a good little girl. While everyone else was out rebelling, I was essentially tagging along with my parents. I was more concerned with books, my studies and developing myself during those years - and I'll never forgot how much those few years meant to me as an individual. I developed my social skills, my writing skills, my organizational skills and most of all, I developed life skills - how to cope with bitch fights, suicides, depressions, friendship problems and finally love. I found myself the first time during those years and it was during those times which I was often glad that I never dated and that I never thought about boys in a sexual way. In short, I was concerned with fulfilling promise number 3 and along the way, promise number 1 was fulfilled. I had the best times of my life during these few years and I have always looked back to it fondly. If anything, I would want to go back and do it all again. 2) That I would be proud of my academic achievements - BA, then MA and finally a PhD. I remember when I was six years old, I made a promise to my mother. My family had been through a lot of shit before I came, particularly mum - from my grandmum. We were always considered as outsiders because Chinese culture made it sound as if the woman marries into the family not born into her husband's family. So at that young age, to make her happy, I told her that I would get a nice big fat paper that says that I'm a doctor and nail it to the wall just for her. And along the way, I never forgot that promise - she did, but I certainly didn't. I toyed with the idea of being a real doctor but after talking to a few doctors and medical students, I decided that it wasn't for me - all at the age of thirteen. And I started aiming for a PhD. In order to get that, I needed a MA and in order to get into a postgraduate program - a damn good one - I needed to get extremely good results on my BA program. Along my academic journey, I had problems - it wasn't all that smooth or perfect. I made a few wrong decisions here and there - switching courses twice BUT finally, I decided that Mass Communications was what I wanted to do - I wanted to become a journalist, but deep inside, I wanted to study and I wanted to learn. So that was what I did. I got out of my BA with two industry awards for journalism, and an average of 80 plus - nearly top of my class. For my MA, I had a GPA of 3.875 and now, I'm thinking of getting my Doctorate in Communication...next year...or in two years time. And I'm proud of the fact that I - once an average student with just 5As out of 8 for PMR and 2As out of 9 for SPM - was one of the top scorers in MA class. 3) To be happy and continue to grow emotionally, intellectually and psychologically. I am not perfect. No one is...but I strive to be consistent in my actions, emotions and ESPECIALLY words. I do no like hyprocrisy and as such, I try to remain consistent in the things that I say and do. I believe that education is a life-long process and thus it never ends. Education occurs out of the classroom through interaction, observation and experience. Interaction means involving other people, observation means learning from other people and experience means making your own mistakes and learning from them. As such, no matter what I feel right now, inside, deep down inside, I will always treasure everything I hear, know and experience to be an education/learning experience like no other. 4) To never die a lonely person who is long forgotten by many. When I was young, I told myself that I never want people to remember me as a bitch, as someone mean and unfriendly. I wanted people to remember me as someone loving, caring, gentle, good-hearted and patient. When I left school and experienced my share of heartaches and issues, I realized that I can't please everyone and suit them. Thus, I decided to please the few people I care about ESPECIALLY myself. If I wanted to be a warm-hearted, gentle and sweet person, I will be it despite what people think about me (especially that!) or expect from me. I know myself better and people who truly are my friends would know my heart better - and I feel that I do not have to prove or worry about this...people will remember me. This promise has long been fulfilled already. 5) To die a happy and content person. Life is always about living and not only that, about living a fulfilling and contented life. One of my principles as a person is this: When I look back, I never want to have the opportunity to say "I wish I done this or that"...no...boy, I would want to say "If I had a choice, I would do it all over again" or better still "My life is complete now, so let me die". |W|P|108614914603210072|W|P|Memorable entries from my old journal - Part I|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com6/01/2004 11:20:00 AM|W|P|eleraine|W|P|One word. WOW! It has been days since I last wrote anything substantial in my journal. I reckon it had something to do with me losing my broadband connection over the weekend and getting completely swamped with marking papers and assignments. Lets see, mid-term papers have to be completed by Thursday, MI final essays by next Monday and then MRM assignmnents by next Friday. *sighs* On the side, it looks like I might not be flying to Sydney. Been having problems with my visa application, so it looks like a cancellation is going to be up for my trip. It bothers me a little because I stand to lose more than half of the ticket price. Still, it's better than having to fork out more cash for a medical check-up and payment for a tourist visa. Heh. All that - just to go to Australia for one week. Bah. Looks like I'll have to get my wool and yarn through online means then. Maybe I should start an application for a credit card. Hmmm... I really don't have much to say today, since I spent the better part of last night marking ICS final essays (the entire bulk is done now!) and writing a loveletter to Svard. Svard, you ask, who is Svard? Never heard her mention him before. Well, I haven't - not openly anyway. He is one man whom I have loved for a long time. It is strange. It is the kind of feeling that stays deep down inside you even though you are with someone else. Of all the men that have come and gone in my life, Svard was the one who touched me more than any of them. I spent last night, re-reading his letters again and again, falling off to sleep beside them on my bed. The weekend was filled with thoughts of him and wondering if things could be between me and him. We have known each other for a long time, and there was even this one time where I was with Adam and I called out Svard's name instead. Heh. After every man that came, I found myself thinking of him more and more - wondering if he was the one for me. Svard is my soulmate - he reminds me of myself, yet he is his own person. What I feel for him is hard to explain yet real and grounded - despite what Svard may tell me or told me three years ago when we first spoke about our affections for each other. Last night's loveletter was about my feelings towards him and trying to discover if anything could ever start between me and him. I wonder if he would reply. My fears are real. I stand losing a good friend, someone whom I have known for years and come to hold close to my heart...If that was the case, why talk about it? Because I was tired of wondering, I was tired of waiting... ....OOPS! O_O I need to get back to work; on an extremely tight schedule today. Will be back to edit this! ^_^ |W|P|108606315377449822|W|P|Wondering...|W|P|meiteoh@gmail.com