Gentle Ethereal Musings - One woman's thoughts...

HUGE change!

2005-09-01T08:54:00.000+08:00

Well folks, it seems that my ride with Blogger.com is going to end soon. Probably in the next few days. Until then I'll packing and getting my stuff sorted out. It was inevitable and frankly, something that took me by surprise. Nevertheless I'm pleased (and excited) about things to come. Edrei - and Sashi (do I need to put the links here? I'm just so lazy today!) - have been of great help...Edrei especially in helping me get set up with my new home. Am transfering the Blogger entries later today and hopefully I'll be done with everything by end of this week. I know it's going to look typical at first but bear with it while I scout around for new 'wallpapers' and shyets (plug-ins and stuff). Don't forget to visit me once in a while - I've always enjoyed your company. You can catch me at http://thescarfer.net and I'll be waiting for you with a new, and perhaps improved Gentle Ethereal Musings...aka GEM. :p See ya soon!

What a sarcastic me!

2005-08-25T22:03:00.000+08:00

DISCLAIMER: If you have no stomach or am not in the mood to enjoy a little bit of sarcasm, please move onto another blog. Plenty of sarcasm coming up soon. Oh, for those of you expecting pictures from my recent trip to Hanoi, they'll be up by next weekend - I promise. Nil's got the 'hard copies' of ALL the pictures. So unless you want to settle for French captioned ones, you'll have to wait. Sorry. ~_~ I think I'm on a roll here. After last night, I seem to be in the mood for dissing people - and I mean this in a good way. For those of you who don't know yet, I'm quite active in online forums and I've been part of two Malaysian forums for a number of years now. One of them being Women Channel. Now I don't really put up threads these days - I used to in the past but ever since going to Australia, coming back and getting a job, I am more into replying to posts rather than starting up discussions. Besides, the tone of the board has changed quite a lot - always about boy-girl problems, husband/wife cheating on their partners, divorce, children issues, sexual issues, the list goes on and on but I think you got the rough idea. Now, my ex, the person I refer to on this blog by the name of Raymond (no guesses as to why I chose the name?) is also part of this forum. That was how we met actually...but that's not the story. Since our breakup - most of the people in the forum knew about our relationship and that we were no longer together - things have been quite calm, I'd like to think. Occasionally, he pisses me off by telling me that I'm narrow-minded for thinking that adultery is bad or that the other woman is not so smart by sticking to a married man with kids...and then when he gets caught out, tells me that he didn't understand me or that he was being sarcastic. I think he would have scored heaps of brownie points for being one of the biggest bullshiters I know. ANYWAY... The thread was about how this guy was getting it on with his housemate's girlfriend and right under his housemate's nose. They do it 1-2 times a day (sometimes more) and even when the housemate is in the room. The two posts I made to the guy was pretty general and only served to reiterate what others have said...

I can't understand why some men let their dick do ALL the thinking and some women let their punanis do ALL the thinking as well. WHAT ARE THE BOTH OF YOU THINKING??? Your selfish behaviour (both you AND her) will only end up hurting EVERYONE in the triangle. But you know what? People are going to sympathize more with the guy who's getting cuckolded. Remember dude: what goes around comes around. Beware.

One word for ya: PLAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! And players break hearts...

I then struck up an online conversation with another forum member - someone I know quite well OFF the forum and we were exchange our thoughts about how our society view sexual conquests and stuff. My three posts to her were these:

I'll brand him as a slut/player as well not just her alone - it takes two to tango. Besides, both parties will benefit and lose out. :p

Yah...I know what you mean but not everyone in society will think of it that way. :p Besides, apart from his housemate inflicting pain on him, he's got to be aware of the possibility of contracting STDs too. *double hohohoho*

If they have been doing it bareback....*SCARY* And yes, yeah...pity sometimes innocent women get dragged into shit that men got themselves into eons ago.

In comes the stupid ex of a twerp telling me (and her) this:

A & E, Chill. E, Cut the guy some slack. Men have been doing it to women all this while, so what if the women do it back to the men? Gender Equality and all that jazz. If he gets some STDs, its a jackpot. At least he got SOMETHING - if not the girl, something of hers. Cheers DV

I was like W.T.F! I mean did I read that correctly or what. SO I calmly wrote a reply - you will always know that I'm calm when I am full of sarcasm [please PLEASE take note of that!] (I cry when I am very very pissed or upset and that's all I can do - I can't even write a decent reply). You'd think that after 1.5 years of going out with me, he would know but you know what? I think he lacks any grey matter up there. Here was my reply. Enjoy.

D.V., Cut the guy some slack. Men have been doing it to women all this while, so what if the women do it back to the men? Gender Equality and all that jazz. If he gets some STDs, its a jackpot. At least he got SOMETHING - if not the girl, something of hers. Cut the guy some slack for what? I'm merely saying that if two people want to get on it behind their partner(s)' backs, then don't stoop so low as to label just one party and pin the blame all on her - "oh she seduced me" "oh she did this and that to me". I didn't say anything about how he shouldn't enjoy it while he's getting it. I didn't say anything about how he has betrayed his housemate. Just reiterating what other people have said ie. "Watch your back lest the housemate finds out. He'll be pretty pissed." He's the victim? *scoffs* Please don't sit on your arse and tell me that he walked into this blindfolded and was raped 1-2 times a day...even hide his rapist in his bedroom and f**ked her while his housemate/her boyfriend was sleeping next day. Whether he's willing to admit it or not, he's playing her too - the old fashioned way. Gender equality? You talk about gender equality in only one context and that's how women have come on far, so far that they start having sex like men and even start acting like men. Frankly, gender equality is more than just those things. We become only truly equal when women EARN the right to call men SLUTS and not studs. When society starts telling its men that sleeping around is slutty behaviour and not something impressive, when the labelling changes. Mind you, society is HARDLY raving about gender equality. You heard A. Women like her get branded as whores, the 'other' woman is seen as a homewrecker, desperate, slutty, etc - so why can't men get branded as sluts/players when they help someone to cheat on their partner? You spout the words "gender equality" easily off your tongue but when I call Wyn a "slut" for abetting and assisting in cheating on his lover's partner, you tell me to cut the guy some slack. BULLSHIT is more like what you're spitting out, DV. If it's sarcasm you meant, you need a better tactic. I just don't get it. But wait, I never did. Understand you, I mean. But we'll just leave it at that - otherwise you'll start accusing me of picking a fight with you, or misunderstanding you, or getting all hiffy-huffy over your words...or worse, stalking you. *shivers* As for Wyn, Since the almighty DV dictates that I cut you some slack, here are my two cents: GO F**K this girl - twice a day, three times a day, as often as you like la - who gives a shit about the consequences? GO F**K with the principles of true friendship. ENJOY it while it still lasts. After all, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? You're a stud, after all, in the eyes of society. Make the most of it. YOU'RE THE MAN! After all, you've got nothing to lose but your integrity! AIYA...who cares about integrity when you have a warm pussy and firm breasts holding you together and keeping you hard. There, I said my two cents - but that's what cheap advice really is. Nothing but cheap, ripe bullshit. Hope you like it.

RANT: It is amusing AND amazing.

2005-08-24T21:17:00.000+08:00

It went something along the lines of the following (not word for word but roughly - you'll get the idea): "I don't care if this is about 'asking her out of concern'. I don't like how you are attempting to ingratiate yourself into my life. I do not want to be your friend, neither do I want to talk to you. I know all your bad points and I don't like you. I don't want to get crass so I'll just be blunt. I don't want to tell you anything about my family, my friends, my life, etc... stop trying to get back into my life. Stay out of my life." Of course there was more but then again, I'm no recorder - and besides, I didn't bother saving the 'chatlog' - it wasn't really a chatlog coz she messaged all that to me while I was away and then, blocked me. Talk about one-sided communication. UPDATE: I got this from a friend (the full text of what she wrote to me):

"oh, and by the way, i would like you to remove me from your friends list. (I didnt say this earlier because I was preoccupied.) I don't like you. I don't want you knowing about my life. I don't like the thought of having you as my friend. You can be friends with my friends all you like, just don't be one of mine. You know me well enough to know that certain grudges, I hold for a long time, if not forever. I will always remember your faults, and I will always end up disliking you in general. I don't care if this is a general friendly 'concerned-about-your-life' thing, I don't want you knowing about me, my life, my family, my friends, my everything. I don't like how you're trying to ingratiate yourself into my life. It's not happening, you will never be a confidante of mine, and as much as I humour you, you will never be a friend. Stop trying to get back into my life. I don't know how much more plain I can get after this. I'll respect you enough to not read your journal, I can't understand why you can't respect me enough to not read mine."

So yeah, I asked someone CLOSE to pass her a message and as like him, he forgot all about it. I made no issue out of it because...well, I felt that things should be left the way it was. So fast forward to a few weeks later. I put up a post to this thread (on an international forum) entitled 'Favourite Stores and Brands':

Here's a list of SOME of the places I go to...usually I aim for the shopping mall that holds the most stores I like to visit but for the sake of this thread... Clothes - most are local brands in M'sia Rest*Relax Seed U2 Elle MNG (aka Mango in Singapore) Espirit Reject Store Colours - the stuff there is so hippish yet lovely... Shoes Vincci Nose Earrings Petaling Street wholesale stores Amcorp Mall's flee market 1-U (which is a shopping mall) Axxezz

That was this morning. I check the thread again this evening and what do I find? A post from HER with something she quoted from my post:

Originally Posted by chatton (that's me) Colours - the stuff there is so hippish yet lovely... Oh man, tell me about it. I bought this lovely hip-scarf thing which jingles. Can't move without making a sound. It's pretty exorbitant too :P

Does it make any sense to you? It certainly doesn't to me, especially after what she wrote. Nil thinks she's useless - doesn't know what she wants. I think she's just showing off to the rest of the board who is adamant that she's this sweet, nubile young thing. Hmmm...since she did write "tell me about it"...I have a few LAST choiced words to tell her. You know what? I don't want to fucking tell you anything - ANYTHING, you read, you stupid four-eyed, mata sepet bitch. And do you know why I'm not telling you anything? Hell, you should - after accusing me of INGRATIATING into your life and all that jazz. It's because YOU asked me not to talk to you. Also I DO NOT need to know what you bought, especially some jingly hip-scarf thing that can't stop making noises when you move - wow, what an attention whore you must be. You seriously are that starved of attention, huh? I don't want to know how much either coz as far as I'm concerned, you're still spending Daddy's money and that doesn't meaning squat to me but one thing: SPOILT.SELFISH.BRAT. Maybe you don't know it but I don't ingratiate myself into anyone's life. I make friends and you not wanting to be a friend? Well, that is of no loss whatsoever to me - actually here I was thinking you NEEDED some more friends since you have always complained that you have few friends or that people don't understand you. Yeah, we all know that the world owes you heaps. Never mind that it doesn't revolve around you alone. But since you asked me to leave you alone, I thought it would be only right of me to honour that request. So honour your goddamn fucking word and leave me the fuck alone as well. You want to quote someone from/in the board? Sure, just don't quote me, or post anything to me OR even write stuff like "tell me about it". By the way, do you know what I can't respect you enough to not read your journal? Simple. Because respect is earned and you haven't done anything to earn an ounce from me. BUT just so you know, I haven't read your journal in ages. So stop flattering yourself. Frankly, I'm sick and tired of entertaining your childish tantrums.

What it is like...

2005-08-22T07:49:00.000+08:00

...coming to work super early... Or at least, early to me. Here I am at the office during the hour when, at my previous workplace, most people would be at home, preparing to leave or even be on their journey to work. The only person I knew then who would be at the office was Sham or several of my other colleagues from the American Degree Program). Half of the staffroom would start walking in only after 8:15am. Yet here, as I was driving to work, listening to Light & Easy's Caroline and Richard, I begin to really enjoy the idea of the fresh morning air (the haze has made it quite a rarity actually) and the thoughts of the birds chirping as I type away on my PC. No stuffy aircon at the office, no truckloads of exhaust, no busy city noise... Just the crickets, birds and cool silence of the morning at Cyberjaya. When you're are city girl like me, you'll settle for anything that reminds you of the thing that you love best - the quiet cool mornings - like the ones I had regularly when I was still a student in Sydney - when the birds are singing as if their songs were tokens of worship to the new dawn...when the air was fresh and crispy...when all you could do was just drown in it and willingly too. Everyone should go to work early - at least once in their lifetime (but then again, if your office is IN the middle of the city, the experience could very well be completely different. *giggles*

Apologies upfront.

2005-08-18T21:03:00.000+08:00

It would appear that my new job has me too tired out to blog at night - not to mention the fact too busy (and enchanted) to blog during working hours too. The training sessions have been keeping me away from this blog and ultimately, the Internet. And it will continue to do so until early September. I'm in the midst of learning XML, Epic Editor and Sigmalink in order for me to sub-edit in my job. So far, today's training session went well - I was happy to ace it (with positive feedback given to my team leader - who just informed me that she's counting on me AFTER the training is over) yet apprehensive since I didn't want to see like everyone else sucked at what they were doing. Must be the Asian mentality in me - "do not outshine other people lest they look at you strangely". Anyway, having done all that...I guess I'm tired out yet exhilirated to know that I don't have to bring work back home (for now) - even the emails! New opportunities, new chances, new things to learn - it's very overwhelming. Yet... It is quite bad...simply because whatever I observe and desire to blog about just flitters away into thin air. I'd blame it on the travelling to and fro from work as well as the lack of time I have to spent on the Net. I still have French homework to work on - have yet to start on that one. Can't afford the late nights anymore simply because I have to get up early to prepare breakfast AND lunch (yes, I bring lunch to work) - not to mention do my housechores (laundry mostly), spend whatever little time I have chatting with Nil AND preparing for the next workday. So yeah... apologies upfront for the lack of updates and interesting musings. Oh...did I mention that my new office is freezing cold??? I think I'll bring a windbreaker to work tomorrow. *brrr* Funny how everyone looks like they are in a four season country when they're in the office.

Tired out...

2005-08-16T20:14:00.000+08:00

I got up at 6am and left at around 7am this morning...and arrived at work around 8:45am. This country never ceases to fail me despite my best efforts to think the very best of it. The bus that was supposed to come never came and I had to wait half an hour for another bus - I was lucky though. I didn't have to pay RM10 for a cab to make it on time to work. Otherwise, I should have been in the office about half an hour earlier. I left the office at 5:40pm...and arrived home at 7:15pm. It took me nearly twenty minutes to walk to the place where the bus goes (simply because someone was stupid enough to think that the bus ought to do a loop and not go back to where it dropped you off to pick you back up again). It was late too. ~_~ Sorry but I'm really tired and tomorrow will be another long day. Gack. Oh...I met with an accident in Hanoi but Nil and I are good. Just lacerations and a couple of biggish scabs. More about it another day, 'k? Bleh...I have this horrible stomachache which makes me want to puke. *goes green*

Away...

2005-08-04T15:12:00.000+08:00

Courtesy of Getty Images

Well folks, I thought I'd put up a notice of some sort. I'll be away from today onwards till 15th August - going to Hanoi this Saturday and well, I doubt I'll have anything to update before that (in Singapore now). Have a good weekend/week ahead and come visit again after the 15th August for pictures and recap of the holiday. ^_^ BAI BAI!

Just before the trip...

2005-08-03T15:28:00.000+08:00

I'm all set for my trip to Hanoi with the boyfriend with a stop-over in Singapore. Everything has been packed in whilst ensuring that I don't go overboard. You know that age old saying about how women pack their entire homes into a suitcase? It's true...for some at least. Nil understands - just as how he tolerates my PMS mood swings (which I get plagued with prior to a period), just as how he is open-minded enough to accept that I come from a very different culture and well, different family. He has his own faults which I lovingly accept to a certain degree. It is not a picture perfect relationship and it should never be in the first place. It is hardly easy to maintain either but at least we are both trying. The one thing I know we have going for us is that we love each other. I can't say that I am not looking forward to the trip - we'll be celebrating our first year anniversary a month ahead of schedule (we met on a very interesting date and share our real anniversary with gazillions of Americans!). We have had a very interesting year laced with affection, quarrels, and the other things that makes a relationship a mystery in itself. I remember how someone once remarked that it is amazing how two very different people could get together and continue to live together until death comes calling, with such a strong emotional bond between them. Till today, it never ceases to amaze me how relationships can just happen out of the blue (unless of course you have been observing them with a keen eye!). Je t'aime, mon cheri! ..................... On the side, a brush with another individual from my past led me to wonder about people and grudges. Why do people continue on holding grudges against others for things that occured three, five, hell, even ten years ago? Does it give them hope? Does it make them feel bigger than life? Does it give them comfort? I'll admit that like any other individual, I have had my fair share of grudges. Read the old entries and you'll see heaps of rants about the ex, schoolmates and etc. These days, I let them all go even though sometimes, on rare ocassions, the memories hurt like an ant bite. Of course, I slip back into the whole "bitch about the other person while ignoring the wrongs that I've done" - who doesn't? Perhaps it is easier for me to let go because I see holding onto grudges as a sign of weakness. Or maybe it's because I find no joy or comfort in bearing a grudge against another individual. I reckon that as you grow older, life gets too short to start begrudging people and letting all those memories make you steam with anger. Negativity begets negativity - from within yourself and from others. Or perhaps it is just me. Whoever you are, wherever you may be, I wish you all the best in your endeavours and I hope you'll be able to find the acceptance, joy, comfort and love that you so long for.

Untitled.

2005-08-03T00:38:00.000+08:00

I went out for dinner today with four of my former students - I have been rather difficult to catch and since today was the only free time I had (and it was kinda last minute too), we decided to meet up anyway. I bumped into the rest at college and well...I miss their zany attitude. They had lots to say about the place I left, the people who took over some of the subjects that I was to take and well, my former boss. I gave them some advice as to how to go about things - from an outsider's perspective - and hoped for the best for them. It is not easy; it is hard enough trying to get a decent education in this country and when someone tries to make things even worse for you, well, I think people should stick up for what's right and what's best for them even if it means making a whole lot of meaningful noise. I don't really have much to say - bought five pairs of earrings (I'm running out of space - have a nice little compartment for earrings but that's getting overcrowded), a pair of pedal pushers for RM11.97 and a nice blouse for RM17 from Reject Shop in 1U (I bought some khaki demin pants for RM11.97 from the same place), and spent a better part of the night packing for my trip to Singapore and Hanoi tomorrow. Yup, right after French, I'll be taking the night train down to Singapore, stay there for a few days and then on Saturday during the late morning/early afternoon, Nil and I will be flying to Hanoi where we'll meet up with his friend (from France) and his girlfriend. We'll be back in Singapore on 13th August and I'll be taking the 11am bus from Larkin back to KL the following morning. Work starts for me on the 16th - I'm used to starting work right after a holiday. But yeah...I won't be around for quite some time but look forward to some pictures, 'k? Bonne nuit, folks!

Malaysian Idols?

2005-08-02T09:34:00.000+08:00

I never was quite an Idol follower - at least after I returned from Australia anyway. I was there throughout Guy Sebastian's journey to become the first Australian Idol (there were two other serious contenders for the title towards the last leg of the race - one of them pulled out due to a vocal/throat problem - I suspect she would have won if she'd carried on) and the show was a great watch. There were remarkable voices and talent displayed on stage and there were hardly any complaints about the entire show. You could say that each singer in the final 12/11 was a favourite and the reasons were good. Last Friday's episode and the follow-up results show reminded me about something; about why I stopped watching Malaysian Idol altogether. I was stumped at first and then I just shrugged it off to one of those crazy Malaysian things. The show, the sound, the voting system...all of it is just...crazy. Half of the time I don't understand what Fauziah is talking about - "tingkatkan lagi style" (what the heck does that mean?) - and Dad bought up a good point. Why do they always have to start with Roslan? Can't they tinker around with the sequence or is the cameraman that lazy (no offense to all cameramen out there)? And the idea of one person having multiple vote opportunities - come on...that's just like going to an election with the regulation that says you can vote more than once. Do you see what will happen? Yup. Disaster. That's what this show is all about. DISASTER. If one person had one vote to themselves, the possibility of us seeing shit like Trish and Atilia going off would be less. Ejay and Ash's fans wouldn't have the opportunity to go trigger-crazy and start sending SMS messages to save their 'idols'. The results would have been more 'fair' - so to speak. A Malaysian Idol is suppose to be versatile and that means being able to sing in a couple of languages flawlessly. A Malaysian Idol is suppose to have character, personality, charisma. A Malaysian Idol is suppose to inspire this reaction from majority of the people - WOW! - and not WTF. I look at the remaining nine people left on board and I go WTF. Ash: Wannabe rock-star who lacks in character and the x-factor. I see nothing great about him. Adam: One language, and believe you me, that will not help him break OUT of Malaysia. Besides, there is something about him that makes it difficult to market - maybe he needs to be a bit more masculine. Azam: Hate the hair. Hate the face. Hate the voice. Maybe he's cute for a Malay but honey, if you can't sing in English, forget about being an Idol. Oh...was he the guy that botched up that English song and made his partner cry like nobody's business on national TV? Faizull (rocker): One language. One style. How the hell are we going to market a Malay rocker in the international market but or less Asia Pacific? Plus, excuse you me but I don't recall seeing any plump rockers out therer...hm. Farah: Pretty but not consistent. First starts off great and then fumbles. Don't think we need an Idol who can't make an effort to be a little bit more consistent. Voice-wise? Nothing spectacular. Xerra (pink hair): Paul was right. If it wasn't for the pink-hair, we would have all forgotten about her. Ejay: She seriously needs to dye her hair back to brown to take her out of the Ah Lian mode. And the English? Ohgawd. The last thing we need is a person who thinks she's singing English when half of the English speak population can't even understand her. No. We have enough of that from our so-called supermodels and beauty pageant winners. Nina: Height does not go hand in hand with talent. Daniel: No voice. No face (I would like to think that I'm looking at a man, not a woman with short short hair). Gives me the shivers when he tries to be all seductive. *shudders* Honestly, I don't see any of them as potential stars. No character. No voice. No versatility. No personality. If this is the line-up leading to the Malaysian Idol, then frankly, it is no wonder that our fair city, KL, are not even listed on the weather line up of CCTV and CNN (much or less our people). We are and will be forgettable - some bits anyway. The only person I saw with personality was Trish and even then, Trish has limitations of her own - I should know, I taught her when she was in KDU. She is a great kid, has lots of talent - her voice is wonderful - but there are only a couple of songs that suit her style, namely hip-hop or even R&B. Someone should do something about the fiasco of a reality show called Malaysian Idol.

Would you let them?

2005-07-29T09:59:00.000+08:00

Get a divorce? I mean of course you would if we were talking about your friends or your colleague or even a relative. It is, after all, their life and if you're anything like me, you let them live it the way they want to. BUT what if one of your parent was thinking of getting a divorce? Would you let them? No, no...my parents aren't thinking of getting a divorce - they have a lovely relationship and besides, they don't believe in divorce (marriage is for life is their motto). This is about a few people I know. Now this is the scenario... A parent (lets name the person...E) had been thinking about filing for divorce and his/her kiddies are trying to talk him/her out of it. The marriage, E thinks, can't be salvaged. E's partner just doesn't understand his/her ambition, dreams and is just so difficult to live with these days. He/She has changed into something that E cannot comprehend, understand or even accept. E doesn't, if rarely, gets any compliments, affection or even comfort from his/her own partner. In short, the marriage, E feels, is like a marriage of convenience - there is no more love in it. Now E's children are in their late and early twenties and thus, it is only now that E has decided to bring up the issue. So, if you were E's child, would asking E to bear on with it still make sense? Or would you brave the unknown with E and agree to him/her getting a divorce? I would actually ask E to get a divorce, especially after trying for many years to work things out between him/her and the partner. A marriage should be a positive, happy one (speaking on an overall, that is) - it should make both partners satisfied and happy. Most of all, it should be filled with ever-continuing and ever-growing love. Without love, everything else seems to fall apart - in my opinion anyway. We can and will almost fail to make our partners happy if we stop loving them. And once that happens and continue to over ten or even twenty years, people drift apart, so far apart that they lose sight of what made them came together in the first place. When that happens, nothing you do or say can change things. The moment one parent starts talking or even starts thinking about divorce, you know you have lost the battle. You know that they are close to their limit. It is just a matter of time. For most people anyway. As the child I look at my parents and I want happiness for both of them. If it meant them getting it while being apart, why not? I'm no longer young and I should be able to understand that 1) marriage should be a blessing and not a curse, 2) if there is no love in it, why force yourself to stay on because you're afraid of being alone, or afraid of hurting someone, and 3) people should never stay in relationships for convenience. It makes people and others around them miserable. Perhaps I'm different in thinking this way. As the adult (with the prospect of getting married and etc looming ahead in the near future), I would never want to stay in a relationship whereby I'm never appreciated, not sure if I'm even loved or not and hell, I would never ever stay because I'm afraid of the future. I know I deserve more and if my partner has stopped giving it to me (even after trying), why should I stay on? Of course there is more to take into consideration but here I am, telling myself that after twenty years of staying with the same man who has changed so much that I can't even see why we got together in the first place...don't you think I am better off alone now that my kids can fend for themselves? Now...what about you?

Of yeast...yeah...just yeast.

2005-07-28T16:06:00.000+08:00

NOTE: Potential female anatomy and sexual health details up ahead! Most of us are probably familiar with the use of yeast (or at least what yeast is) - in beers, and breads - but how many of us know that we have yeast cells in our bodies? Ohyes, we have them in our mouths and for the women, in our vaginas too; they live side by side with some very good bacteria and well, some not so good ones. Yeast is part of the whole system of living organisms in our bodies and when one small bit of the 'system' is disrupted, some bacteria explode in terms of population, leading to infections. Commonly known as 'vaginal yeast infection' or just 'yeast infection', Candidiasis is just that - an organism population explosion. It usually occurs because of stress, changes in the hormones, frequent douching, too much sugar (diabetic women get this alot) and even changes in the Ph level of the vagina itself. You know roughly when you've been 'attacked' by yeast when your vulva and vagina start itching like crazy, and if you grab a mirror* and look, the folds of the skin and entrance of the vagina look red and not pink. Bad attacks include the above AND a discharge that looks somewhat like cottage cheese (all lumpy and white) - now if you have problems imagining what it looks like, just think of crumbling fetta cheese all over your fingers OR you can look here (WARNING: Gross picture). Now, the discharge for yeast infections usually is not foul smelling - so if it stinks or looks yellow, it means you have some other problems too. * Ladies, if you have never seen how your kitty-cat looks like, I suggest you start TODAY. There is nothing wrong with examining how your vulva and the area around it looks like - actually it helps you identify if there is anything wrong. Your partner (if you have one) has to put up with looking and hell, even tasting it, so what's wrong with you just looking? :p So what do you do when your kitty-cat starts to really itch and when you grab the mirror, you get this weird looking lumpy discharge? Well, first of all, go see a doctor - just to double-confirm that it is really a yeast infection AND to check with her/him as to what to do. Preference of the biological sex of the doctor is up to you - although I usually prefer a female doctor (they tend to be more sympathy and well, I'm just not used to the idea of another man sticking up his fingers and/or looking into my vagina). The doctor will ask you what's wrong and then get you to strip (pants/skirt AND panties off), lie down on a bed with a blanket covering your legs - they just normally lift up the blanket and take a peep. You know how some ladies are - shy and all that... Some doctors will take swabs just to be sure. Oh, be prepared for intimate questions like "Are you sexually active?" and stuff - it pays to be honest plus there is also a doctor-patient priviledge thingie to consider. So no worries about that. The doc will give you some advice on what to do - some of it, I'll mention later on - and that's it. You're done. Now, many people think that yeast infection is a 'dirty' disease because of its cousin (mouth trush) being part of the whole AIDS combo but actually yeast infections are very common in women. Almost 75% of women worldwide who have had a yeast infection before they hit menopause and twice after their hit menopause. There are no long term consequences for a yeast infection and it usually clears up - with medication - within a few days or a week. It's annoying but nothing dangerous. There are some people out there who get recurrent attacks - so usually the doc advises the partner to clean up before getting it on and wear a condom OR no sex during the infection period. BTW, men get yeast infections too - and they show no symptoms at all. Scary, huh? Okay, so what if you NEVER ever want to have a yeast infection? Change your diet (do click on the links if you want to know more). In a nutshell, start eating A LOT of fruits, yoghurt (find out why here - natural ones are good) and cranberry juice (cranberry also helps to prevent UTI - which women are prone to getting as well coz they have a shorter pee track then men!). Drink heaps of water - cut down on the alcohol and sugary drinks - and if you're diabetic, you have to control your sugar level (so less carbs, less sugar). You might also want to consider...

Changing your underwear (cotton is always better than synthetic fibres),
Washing and drying your kitty-cat after a workout,
Quit wearing those god-awful tight jeans,
Stop douching (you're killing all the good bacteria!), and...
Do wipe from front to back please.

I reckon this is part and puzzle of getting a vaginal yeast infection. For one, I don't see anything gross about it and it's always good to learn more about your body (and how it works). At least it benefited me - yes, yes, I checked myself in with the gyno and did a check because I was having this infection (geez, first my earlobe now my privates!). She said it was a bad case of yeast infection; usually mild attacks have no cottage cheese discharge - so she gave me three tables to take once a week and those tips as well. She also did my FIRST pap smear for me and I'll be getting my result next week. More about that in another entry. So yeah. Here's to being a woman... ADDITIONAL INFO: I just spoke to a dietitian/nutritionist friend of mine and she agreed with the doc's suggestion on taking probiotic supplements for treating yeast infections and for general health (preventing it that is). Probiotic supplements are basically capsules containing culture - like acidophilus, and etc - it's like taking a huge dose of yoghurt. ^_^ She also mentioned that the dosage is differs with the use. If you're taking it for general health, probiotics containing 1.5 billion live organisms in each capsule is okay. If you're taking it for treatment, then you have to get probiotics that have at least 8 billion live organisms. You can get probiotic supplements from any health food store - I just got one for general health (1.5 billion), called Kyo-Dophilus (90 capsules) with L.acidophilus, B.bidifum and B.longum for RM67 - it was actually RM79.90 but there was a promotion. Am planning to get the 8 billion dosage after I'm done with this one just to prevent reoccurence of yeast infection. She also did mention that if you have acne that is not hormone related, probiotics supplements (the 8 - 20 billion) dose is great for treating stubborn acne! ^_^

When all Dad talks about...

2005-07-25T13:45:00.000+08:00

Disclaimer: Personal provocative thoughts ahead. If you do not like the tone of this entry or its contents, please close the window and leave this blog - don't even bother to leave a message. You are under no obligation to agree or disagree with me.

.....................

...is how this country is falling apart. Since my return from Australia, Dad has slowly but surely been bugging me to start making preparations to leave for greener pastures. He is worried and I suppose I can't say that he is wrong in worrying. He reckons that he'll die in Malaysia but the last thing he wanted was to see me continue to live in a country where the possibility of me losing whatever little that I have now is real - as real as it can be. He is nearing his sixties - a man who was born during the Second World War, a teenager during the Emergency period, a family man during the depression. He served his country in the Royal Malaysian Air Force during a time when there were plenty of Chinese and Indians in the army. Most of our relatives then were government servants. But times have changed, he noted. He watched as his daughter missed out on getting a local education - which turned out to be a blessing in disguise. He watched as the children of his wealthier cousins go abroad and continue to live there - working and living in better conditions. Just today, my uncle related the story of a high school friend who went to live in the UK for twenty over years. This man, who retired for medical reasons, drew a pension of 1000 pounds a month and together with his medical insurance, lived off about 2000 pounds each month. He lives alone, a confirmed bachelor in his apartment with his car. He doesn't spend much on his desires - only necesities for him - and because he was formerly a government servant (he was a teacher), transportation is free for him. Pensions schemes are far better there than here - Dad gets RM800 a month after working nearly twenty years with the airforce. My aunt gets about RM1000 - but that's because she has worked with the government for eons. Nevertheless, minus her housing loan (she has another six years to go), she's left with RM500. One generation down and we reach my cousins who have spent the last few years studying, and now working in the US. Three of them - a pair of twin boys and their older sister - have moved from Atlanta to New York upon completion of their studies. Theirs is an interesting case as my cousin sister has yet to receive her work permit (her visa expires on 8 August) and thus will have to return home to M'sia in the event that she doesn't receive news about her work permit within this week. The two boys - as we affectionately still call them (even though they are young men) are earning a comfortable salary of USD4K each with a multinational company in NY. Their work permits will last them for three years. They see no need to return to Malaysia and plan to obtain their green cards. Why? Their reasoning was that the benefits that they were currently obtaining were far greater than the benefits that they would receive here. They hail from Ipoh and thus, reckon that they would have to work in KL should they return. Would any company here pay a fresh graduate or someone with a year of working experience RM4000? The boys speak of buying a house - which I know is in their means as they can be very trifty) - and a car (which is hardly expensive). Would they be able to do the same here at their age? Dad sees young people struggling all their lives to reach to the stage of 'comfort' and stability. Yet he wonders if they are making the right choice to stay here and at what cost. He has given up hope on Malaysians and ultimately on our country. Ocassionally, he grumbles about how 'uneducated' Malaysians are, about how 'uncivilised' we have become and about how 'fair' opportunities do not exist anymore (and even if they do, exist on a miniscule scale). He watches and listens to the stories of people who have moved abroad and sees a difference - a difference in the way people think. It is hard not to disagree with him. I have seen it for myself - heard the stories myself. I know what my old man is talking about. I know his heart's desire. I returned home to rude drivers, rubbish thrown onto the streets (and onto my car), narrow-minded people, disorganized systems, filth everywhere and nearly three years later, I'm still trying to cope. Even Nil can understand why. He doesn't even want to work here - and I don't want him to spend his entire life here. It is not for him...not even for me - especially after what I've seen going on in the UMNO General Assembly meeting. These days, whenever Dad talks about wanting me to leave, I stop protesting. I stop agreeing. I start making plans instead. Background info: I left Australia two years ago due to circumstances that were very much similar to my cousin's - my visa was going to expire. I came back thinking that it would be the right choice for me, thinking that I could make a difference. I realized that while I went around trying to make a difference, I was neglecting my own life, my own dreams, and my own well-being. I made the mistake of thinking that being patriotic would be enough to satiate my appetite. Needless to say, I grew tired of being selfless, of being 'patriotic' (I thought that making a difference would make me patriotic), and I grew hungry - hungry for better pastures. My logic was this: why wait till I am old and tired - without the youthful exuberance needed to conquer life? Besides, I have never grown my roots here - I was always a wanderer (so to speak - according to Mum's feng shui mistress-friend, I was destined to move to 'greener pastures' as many people would term it). When you have tasted sweetness and bitterness in your own life, which would you logically choose? Which would outweigh the other in terms of priority? Like I said in my disclaimer - you don't have to agree or disagree with me. I do not want to make apologies for saying this - it is my life, after all and I am the one who has to live it. No one else - not even my parents, not even Nil and not especially you, yes, the one reading this. C'est la vie - people come and go, live and die, migrate and emmigrate. I have learnt to accept that there will be people who see things differently from me - that's good (some optimism, and hope is always good), that there will always be people who will want to return to the place of their birth, that they will always see the silver lining in the grey clouds. Doesn't mean that they are blind to reality or wrong. It is just the way life is. I ask the same from you. Accept the fact that there will be some people who will want to leave the place you call home. Who see the good but more of the bad. Who have given up the hope and would rather be more realistic than ever. It doesn't mean that they are blind to reality or wrong. This is life - variety is the spice of life, remember?

Change can be good for you sometimes.

2005-07-22T14:38:00.000+08:00

It has been a crazy nearly one week for me - with its ups and downs - downs being the fact that I am jobless and suffering from a slight ear infection (BLECK!)...ups being Harry Potter coming out and me going for second round interviews. I spent the entire week keeping as busy as I can and now, it looks like I can enjoy whatever free time I have left. Yes, you read it right. I'll have to enjoy whatever free time I have left because people, I'll be starting work on 16th of August in Cyberjaya as a sub-editor with Wolters Kluwer. ^______________^ Never mind that it is in another land by itself - pretty far but I plan to go by public transport. Never mind that I'll probably have to bring my own lunch and change my gym membership to "Passport" instead of "Home. Never mind that I'll be starting work immediately after my Vietnam trip. It's alright. New opportunities demand new changes. I'll adapt. I'll adjust. It's okay. Thanks to all for their support. I'M SO HAPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! ^______________^

excited

2005-07-21T09:50:00.000+08:00

2nd round interview for the job that I have my heart and mind set on! Today at 3:30pm! ^_______^ Wish me luck!

Going through some rough times...

2005-07-19T21:19:00.000+08:00

Anyone who knows me very well will have this to say about me: "She is a worrypot first and next, a pressure cooker." True to form, I'm starting to feel the downs of being jobless. So far, I have gone for two interviews (got to the second round for one of them - which I'm planning to turn down for reasons that I'll explain in another entry) and that is it. Dozens of applications have been sent out and so far, the trail has gone cold. And I'm beginning to worry heaps. To make matters worse, it is taking a toll on my relationship with Nil. My parents don't really have a problem with it - because there was once Dad was jobless for a couple of long months and things were a bit tight but it didn't escalate into fights. He took up tourism studies to kill time and later found a job. But that's Dad. He had his pension to tide things over and I reckoned he has more control over his emotions and mind than I do. Moi? I get scared at the sign of instability in my life. All my life I have been organized when it comes to my future. I like knowing where I'm heading towards, what I'm doing next...and having backup plans. So when things go out of wack, it is difficult for me to cope with things. Couple that with the fact that I DO NOT like relying on my parents for stuff - especially at their age when they should be enjoying their lives - and that I cannot stand being without a job - it makes me feel worthless. I know I made the decision to resign without a job offer at hand - it has come to bit me back in the ass - but while that is the hard cold fact of the past, the current issue now is that this is starting to make me feel depressed or at least it's starting to annoy the hecks out of me. How do I know that? I start thinking that I'll never find a job. I start fighting with Nil over really petty stuff - things that he means well but I misinterpret as otherwise. I'm trying to see the positive of things - that it's just been a few days since my last day (on Friday last week); that resigning *is* better than staying on; things like that. It's hard and for a worrypot like myself, it is not easy. ... Nil and I had a fight today over the second round interview with an education institute here in Selangor. He was of the opinion that I should just attend it since I had "nothing else better to do" whereas I saw no point in going (didn't want to waste their time and mine) - for a few reasons:

They made me wait 45 minutes for my interview (which I absolutely detest! I mean ten or fifteen minutes is fine but nearly one hour?!??)
They wanted me to jump right into teaching - 16th of August - fyi, their semester starts on the 15th of August.
They expect me to teach four subjects a semester, two during a short semester and they have 3-4 intakes a year.
Their classes are usually 60-90 strong and I will be handling both lectures and tutorials.
They have a six month probation period.

These conditions were worse off than where I was and thus when I stepped out of the room, when everything cleared - I started to have this awful feeling about things. What was the point of me leaving if I was going back to the same ole' shit again for one or two hundred ringgit more? And would it help if I were to go abroad to work? While I understood Nil's intentions by asking me to go for the second round just to try things out, I resented the tone he gave me over the phone - "nothing else better to do". It was already bad enough that I dislike the idea of being jobless - but saw it necessary to resign - and thus, have been trying to keep my days as busy as ever and as productive as I was working before...to tell me that I had nothing else better to do was to imply that I am just sleeping, shitting and eating at home - which is hardly the case. I resented the implication - it was exactly what I fear I would get from people - the "since you're jobless, just settle la, just try la, just get any job la - as long as you're working...". BUT what if I don't want to settle for the first job offer that comes along the way? What if I want to choose a job that will help make pathways for me in the near future? I want to be able to find a job that opens doors for me, not close them - not at my age anyway. And yet I cannot help but worry about the instability of it all. *sighs* It is sure going to be a couple of long days ahead...

The days are slow...

2005-07-19T09:09:00.000+08:00

Well, things have been slightly different now that I'm no longer working. People assume that I'm having a jolly good time taking a break but I somehow feel different about the whole thing. I wake up around the same time as well, and I still do housechores and stuff - like run errands, for my parents and boyfriend - not to mention go around hunting for jobs. In a way, it is work; in a way, it isn't. I now have more time to spend doing things like baking, gym-ing, travelling meeting friends and blogging - but somehow I just haven't done all of those things except for the "meeting friends" and "travelling" bit. I spent most of my afternoon yesterday out. First to run errands and drop off some of my former colleague's stuff and then lunch with my former students. I bumped into a couple of them at the local mall and well, we just hung around, talked, window shopped and that was it. Note: I'm the type who just can't stay at home and rot. Besides, my parents just gave me several assignments - design a website and business card for them over the next two weeks. I reckon I'll have to start on it tomorrow - have a few ideas in mine, so we'll see how it goes. Anyway, by the time I got back, it was time to shower, read some newspaper, chat with my parents, cook my dinner and then off to French class. Somehow in between all that, I got a call to attend an interview with a local education institute today around noon - which brings me to consider about a few things. What my options are should I get offers from both the industry and the education sector - bearing in mind that I might have to work overseas in the near future? I know it is too soon to tell but in my case, I reckon it never hurt to consider things like that. Well, I best get started on breakfast now, if I want to get ready for my interview later. After that, it's a visit to the gym and sauna there. ^_^ And because I was tagged by thesam117: 5 songs that I currently love (in no particular order):

We've Got Tonight by Kenny Rogers and Shena Easton
Cut Both Ways by Gloria Estefan
What Matters Most by Rankin Kenny
Belaian Jiwa by Innuendo
Imagine by Beatles

By the way, did I mention that Dad is thinking of installing a CD player in my car??? WHOPPPIEEE!!!!

Updates.

2005-07-17T20:48:00.000+08:00

The weekend has been quite good; have not felt this sudden surge in excitement over the prospects of a second interview (and of finding a job). Neither did I feel this rush in me about the simplest things in life - things that amuse me even though I have other things to worry about. Job interview I'm keeping my fingers crossed about this job interview - I went for it on Saturday morning. It was not a big interview, since it was conducted by a recruitment agency. There was a test for me to go through - proof-reading/editing test - and I spent the rest of the time just chatting with the consultant. Was told that I stand a very good chance of being called in for the second round - since I did quite okay on the test and my profile is relevant and suitable for the job. Also, since the payroll for the position comes from Australia, it also looks like they can pay me what I ask for. Training is provided - and the office (in Cyberjaya, which is currently under expansion) is managed by the team from Australia and not here. I'm hoping to hear from the guy over the next few days - since he did mention that the Senior HR Consultant is very organized and efficient - apparently she normally contacts him within a few hours to a day at most. I'm excited about this - well, I'm always excited about new opportunities, and new chances that allow me to showcase my potential, character and talent. Wish me luck!!! ^_^ Harry Potter Six Was around KLCC during the launch - at Kinokuniya specially. There were plenty of copies lying around the two entrances and even during lunchtime, people were queuing up to pay RM99.90 for a copy of JK Rowling's latest creation. And yes, I'm one of the few adults who follow the story - it's not my fault if it is one of the more interesting fiction books around. To each their own, I suppose. Anyway, I didn't know if I really wanted to get the book since it is super expensive and I'm too tight on cash to afford an expense that I can do without at the moment. So I did the next best thing. I grabbed a copy - I was there early since my interview was in KL - found a quiet spot somewhere near the music section and read the first few chapters and the last two chapters. I pretty much know the ending but am confused over several things. It is something that I won't discuss until I get a copy of the book and read it from cover to cover. Nil is going to help me check if the book is slightly cheaper in Singapore. He finds the craze of Harry Potter interesting. I wonder if people went nuts over Enid Blyton back in the 80s. Fantastic Four The movie was...nothing big to shout about. I personally felt that the concentration on the drama between Reed Richards and Sue Storm plus Ben and Johnny actually overshadowed their fight with Dr Doom (Victor Von Doom). Sure, this is an intro but compared to the X-Men, this was a big disappointment. Was hoping to see more action, more insight into their abilities and etc...but all I had to go on was the soapy dialogue, brash stupid hero action from Johnny and Ben's turmoil. Although I must admit one thing: they managed to get the right people for the roles - reminded me a lot about the comic series - the only problem? Jessica Alba's hair here looks pretty fake. The other saving grace? Call me a sucker for proposal scenes but the one in FF was kinda sweet with Mr Smart but Dumb proposing to Sue Storm with a piece of wreckage from the cosmic storm thingie. Honestly...I'd rather stick to the comic series. Cooking, actually baking! High on my to-cook list is tiramisu, some cookies and perhaps a cheesecake as well - for my former colleagues and some of my students. They are starting 'school' tomorrow and I'll be meeting up with them just to say goodbye and stuff like that. Not to mention that I need to drop off some things to one of my former colleagues. But yeah, I'm thinking of shopping for the ingredients sometime on Thursday morning, make it that night - need to check with Mum on the availability of space in the fridge - and hopefully, if everything goes good, get it out to my colleagues on Friday afternoon as dessert. If I can't find ingredients, I'll probably settle on making some chocolate orange cheesecake since Mum bought some oranges from the pasar malam today. I'm thinking of fine-tuning some of my cookie recipes, probably investing in a scrapbook of my own and write down the cookie recipes. Examples? My lemon/citrus/orange shortbreads, peanut cookies, butter cookies, etc... Reading My bookshelf is overflowing with books now - I have resorted to shoving about nearly fifty thin books into my cupboard simply because I have nowhere else to keep them. I also have two small boxes with reading material I used for work. First on my list will be to sort out one of my drawers (my bed had two big drawers under them) and place those books in them. Alternatively, I'd have to go through my entire collection, pull out books I don't want and sell them to a second-hand store. Problem is I am not too sure where to go. Paylessbooks doesn't want them. Any ideas? Once that is done, I'll be catalogue-ing my books and start reading some of the stuff which I have been meaning to but never ever had the time to go through. My huge Jane Austen book, Mists of Avalon, and other classics/contemporary fiction. I don't think I'll list them here - too lazy. :p I think that should do it for now. What a weekend!!!

Of leaving.

2005-07-14T21:57:00.000+08:00

It is not as easy as we see it in the movies - pack up, go and everyone including yourself forgets about the whole thing. My last day is tomorrow - or so I discovered today. And so the task of really clearing out stuff from my table began. As I slowly put in the last traces of my existence in this office, I keep a brave front - telling myself that this was the right decision; that leaving would be good for me... And yet, when I first broke the news to one of my colleagues, I could see the start of tears to come - even from her tough resolve about crying over things like this. When my students found out, my heart broke a little as they started pleading, and saying things like how they will miss me and that things wouldn't be the same without me around to guide them, teach them, rebuke them and care for them. Some of my colleagues hurry around planning lunches, meetings - others who are to go on leave tomorrow speak in hush tones to me about meeting up while I'm away...of keeping in touch...it pains me even further. As I leave the office with my other colleague in tow who has a box of my magazines in his arms, it starts to sink in and tear away at whatever brave front I have. Come tomorrow, this place which I call my second life, this place which held the work that made me joyful and complete, this place where I met the most wonderful and supportive people will no longer cease to be mine. The stories of students, the jokes, the trials, the advice (on work and even our personal lives), the laughter in our little workstations or over lunch - the memories we share of changes...all of it gone. Seeing all the things I have from my office in my room - the books, papers, trinkets I use to decorate my workstation - are little reminders of my soon-to-be former workplace and all it contained. Packing and giving them away brought back memories of how I dealt with my previous breakup - giving away reminders was one way of soothing the pain; pretending as if it never existed. But it's hard to do that - pretend as if it didn't exist - when people constantly wish you weren't going and that they will miss you terribly... It pains me. It's even harder when no one seems to understand this. Yes, while I am happy that I will no longer be working with her - that seems to be the only consolation in this decision that I have made. Yes, I made it with the choice of keeping my sanity, my health, my principles...but at the cost of losing a wonderful workplace, colleagues and students - things that are hard to find again. Nil thinks I'm regretting the decision. It is hardly the case. It is more like leaving a more-good-than-bad thing - it is unfortunate that the good wasn't enough to keep me back. In a way, I dread tomorrow...having to put up a brave front for the sake of my colleagues and students...having to put up with the "I miss you" without them realizing that I will miss them dearly as well.

Day I at the gym

2005-07-13T22:42:00.000+08:00

I have decided to get hard and serious with my diet/fitness regime. Since coming back from Australia two years ago, I have piled on nearly five kilos and countless of inches. The variety of food here is crazy as well and definitely hasn't help a bit with my previous weight-loss desires. ~_~ As such, I somehow drilled it into my head to stay longer at the gym and watch my food intake more carefully. After watching the rain slowly trickle away, I walked to my car (I decided to park further and exercise every morning and evening by walking to my office; I take the stairs too these days) and proceeded to drive to the gym where I got into some serious action. I got a mild surpise when I weighed myself - apparently I lost a kilo to half a kilo during my last weigh-in (could be water retention) but prior to today, my weight had never gone down even though I tried going to the gym three times a week and cutting down on food. I just managed to fail miserably then. I suppose the weight loss this time has something to do with the fact that I've been taking the stairs more at work - all four floors - and that I am slowly cutting down on food intake during dinners. I'll be aiming to use my break (from work) to go the gym more often - like on a daily basis. That should help boost my metabolic rate and help with my weight loss thingie. So yup, must definitely try harder! Anyway, today's statistics:

Treadmill - speed 4.5-5.0 km/h at a gradient of 12 and for about 40 minutes. Bicycle - speed at around 77 rpm (average) at a level 2 for about 40 minutes. Total calorie loss today stood at nearly 400 calories. Total time spent at the gym was 1.5 hours.

The food part is slowly coming together - I have sort of come to the conclusion that it would be better for me to gradually reduce my portions and cut down on the carbs a bit. Target? 26 inch waist for me again please! ^_______^

Boredom and dry eyes at work...

2005-07-12T12:18:00.000+08:00

For the past two days, I have been busy crocheting. My earlier post over last week mentioned something about me finishing my reports and stuff - I just have some papers to put together and that is it (the rest is done). I'll be invigilating tomorrow and on Thursday; my packing is almost done - actually I just have my drawers to clear out (CDs and important documents) and my plant, speakers and photoframe to take back - knick-knacks so to speak. So naturally I got bored and got started on a new project - through some unfortunate error on the shopkeeper's part, I had to ditch the original pattern for my new scarf and decided to settle on something which had an ending for every row of stitching that I was going to do. After combing through some patterns, I finally settled on this gorgeous windowpane-like pattern for my scarf. The colour isn't the same - I am combining a very soft pastel blue and green-like teal to give it a demin-like look. I must say one thing though: yarn here is BLOODY EXPENSIVE! I wish I was in Australia knitting away - the cheapest and loveliest ball of yarn I bought there costs me AUD1.79 (at RM2.9 to AUD1 at that time). Here, everything is at least in tenths of ringgits. Gack. Anyway, it has been so long since I got back into knitting and crocheting that I'm working on two projects now. *snickers* One is just for fun and using those AUD1.79 balls of yarn and the other (look above) is for me - of course, the outcome won't look like that since the person who did it used different yarns (colour and texture plus material). I'm planning to add some fringe/tassels at the bottom to give it a more feminine look. Hopefully when Nil approves, I can get some new soft cheap yarn and do another one in that pattern - it just looks divine, doesn't it? By the way, is it just me or is the weather going crazy? Everything seems to be brighter at work and my eyes have gone really dry these two days. Have been going to the toilet to wash my face and mostly my eyes... I wonder what's wrong.

So it has begun...

2005-07-07T16:37:00.000+08:00

The slow and steady packing...it just finally dawned on me that I have tonnes of books and magazines at the office - squeezing them all into one box was a huge task... The giving away of things...Basil II was sold for RM10 to one of my colleagues who lovingly cooed to him all the way to her cubicle today (perhaps this is an excuse to get a hamster or something!); one of my tiny tropical plants were given to my colleague; the angel which I got from Australia to the preggers colleague... The goodwill messages I got...by 10am, almost everyone in the other departments (from different floors) knew of my resignation - wherever I went, I got asked "Why?" (all of them were shocked to hear of it) and when they found out, they felt sorry for me yet understood better why I was leaving. The boredom...I had finished most of my paperwork - nothing left to do, just bidding my time away. Gack. I am a little sad by everything but c'est la vie! On the side, I received a recommendation to go to UTAR, a call from JobsDB about a sub-editing position in Cyberjaya with a foreign MNC and an offer to work again under my former boss (in a private secondary school nearby). The turn of events have - I must admit - been interesting.

My PhD proposal.

2005-07-02T19:10:00.000+08:00

I met up with my former professor today after two years of virtually little to no contact with him - except the occasional short emails that I sent to/receive from him. In our little (and quite long) discussion, we came to conclude that the education sector has some of the worst cases of politic-ing around. My former uni, specially the Center where I did my studies, has undergone some huge changes - although Stephen did remind me that I was lucky to have escaped the change. I left six months before it all came crashing down. All the old AND popular AND good lecturers left, leaving only the casual staff (who happened to be quite shoddy as well) around. Stephen himself has cut himself off from the Masters programme and concentrated all his efforts into the undergraduate programme. So why did it happen? As with everything else, it all boiled down to money - quite similar (in a way) to what was happening at my workplace. Maybe the Center director should be introduced to QB - I'm sure they'll become the best of friends. Anyway, Stephen was really kind (and wonderful) enough to advise me about my PhD proposal. While I did realize that coming up with a proposal wasn't going to be easy, I was still quite surprised that there was much I had to learn from Stephen - someone who has been through it himself years ago actually. It was through him that I now have a better picture of things - things like methodology (whether it was going to be easy for me to obtain data), relevancy (whether it was going to be useful for society/knowledge building) and interest (whether it was going to sustain me for years). "You sleep with your PhD. You go on holidays with it. You eat with it. Every waking minute you have, well, actually every moment of your life from the time you enrol for your PhD is filled with it. So get something that you're really raving about. BUT having said that, get something that will open up doors for you in the future - don't let your PhD be the end of your career. It, ideally, should be the beginning." And with that, he flooded my brains with suggestions, got my brain moving with MY own suggestions - to which I ultimately settled on my topic which was still along the lines of sexuality except that it would easier to write out, obtain data for and of course, still maintain my interest. But we just didn't talk about PhDs and work - we talked about travelling, experiences during our travel trips...about the world...we even cracked jokes about it/ourselves/other people. That's why I still keep in touch with Stephen. He never does portray himself as my professor but more like a mentor, more like a friend and it's still good to know that despite the fact that he WAS my professor - I see him more as a peer, even someone to look up to and I know for a fact that he no longers sees me as a student (now his 'former' student) but more as a friend and of course, peer. Underneath all that experience lies a man with similar interests yet unique in his own manner - he LOVES travelling and he collects textiles from different countries (the man has 50 pieces of 'cloth' in his place!). Even Nil thinks he is a very nice guy! It was a good start to the weekend (even though there was this little incident in the morning involving QB but never mind)...now if I'm excused, I have a rugby match waiting for me. Bon weekend!

Test!

2005-06-30T16:37:00.000+08:00

Am testing out this Mail-to-Blogger function! If it works, it's all cool. On the side note, I'm looking forward to the weekend; have heaps of activities planned out [like meeting my former professor (Stephen) and Mirai] PLUS Nil is coming down tomorrow night! YAY! So yeah...test! ^_^ EDIT: Well this works, but the spacing came out all weird and while doing the editing, the font became this huge line of letters! Hm...I might just stick to the 'old-fashioned' way of doing things. On the side, QB has been brusque (sp?) with me since Monday (or rather Friday last week) - she doesn't even look at me when she comes out of her high horse and orders me to do something. And today, I found out that she invited three of my colleagues out of lunch (two of them were told that it was a birthday thing and the other was told it was a department thing). Me and my other colleagues were left in the dark. I suspect she's trying to break us up as a team but we all discussed it (no hard feelings between us) and one of the three is trying to weasel her way out of it... Me? I think I'll just not go for the school breakfast (that's for everyone - as per the invitation by the dean WHO, mind you, still greets me in the morning or answers me at least and smiles when she sees me). The bosses are cooking breakfast but I think I'll skip it. She might poison my food, or worse (as one of my colleagues suggested) spit in it. EWWWWWWWWWWW.

My cue - from music...

2005-06-29T21:09:00.000+08:00

What Matters Most by Rankin Kenny It's not how long we held each other's hand What matters is how well we loved each other It's not how far we travelled on our way Of what we found to say It's not the spring you see, but all the shades of green It's not how long I held you in my arms What matters is how sweet the years together It's not how many summertimes we had to give to fall The early morning smiles we tearfully recall What matters most is that we loved at all. It's not how many summertimes we had to give to fall The early morning smiles we tearfully recall What matters most is that we loved at all. What matters most is that we loved at all.

.................................................

Sometimes... When I look into your eyes, I see heaven before me, When you hold me in your arms, I feel at home, When I feel your lips on mine, I feel myself floating. Sometimes... When I hear you laugh, I hear a gentle rumble of happiness pass my way, When you give an opinion, I hear wisdom beyond my reach, When I touch you, I feel perfection. And sometimes when I cry as you hold me, It is not because you hurt me. On the contrary, it is because you overwhelm me. Your love, your heart, your mind... Just all of you. I just never knew how to tell you. Tell you what, you may ask... Tell you this, I say. I love you... More than you know. More than you feel. More than I can explain.

Music meme tag!

2005-06-26T20:42:00.000+08:00

Was tagged by one of my students a while back - must admit that I have been sitting on this for quite a while now. So I finally got my ass down to it. Total volume of music files on my computer : 355MB in my home pc- yes, that little. My music files are sitting in almost everywhere - from original (and fake) CDs to thumbdrives and yes, the office desktop too. I'm just too lazy to tabulate everything right now. :p The last CD I bought : Voices of Love. Planning to get some French CDs from Borders, Singapore sometime soon - I wonder if Borders, Malaysia has stocked some. Ten songs I listen to a lot/mean a lot to me : Despite what my students may say of me, if you look at the songs I listen most of the time, I'm a rather old fashioned girl. I love these songs because 1) I grew up listening to most of them and 2) I like the meanings of these songs - whether tragic or not.

Simple Red "If You Don't Know Me By Now"
Bread "If"
Elton John & LeAnn Rimes "Written In The Stars"
Kirsten Dunst "Dream Of Me"
Innuendo "Belaian Jiwa"
"What Matters Most" from a Christian love song album
Rick Price "Heaven Knows"
"Somewhere Out There" from American Tale
Gloria Estefan "Here We Are"
Kenny Rogers "You Decorated My Life"

Five people to whom I am passing the baton : Well, there is Piggy, Mel (mystic), Mirai, IreneQ and finally Andreas. For the hell of it, I'd like to know what they all listen to. That's if half of them still read this blog. ~_~

Time for me.

2005-06-25T17:29:00.000+08:00

After changing the bedsheets, clearing and tidying up my workstation corner, dusting AND changing the look of my window (which has always seen bamboo blinds) to quite soft, textured creamy hand-me-down curtains, I settled to a very quiet afternoon of Sex And The City. Six episodes later, I retired to my computer, surrounded by pleasant whiffs of Glaze Mini Air Freshner "Sunbeam" (the ones that are meant for your drawer or cupboard) and decided to blog about how weird it feels spending a weekend without Nil around. So far, I have had the entire morning and early part of the afternoon to do what I want to do, go where I want to go...AND not have to worry about whether my partner would like to follow me, enjoy himself or not. I bought myself three books for RM30.80 at PayLessBooks, some air freshner for my room (look above), and some hair shampoo/conditioner from France. Did spent fifteen minutes toying with the idea of getting some hair accessories and even thought of stocking up on my haircolour while I was at it but nah, I pushed that idea aside. I had time - time to myself. To be industrious or lazy, it didn't matter. I paid attention to me and in a way it felt good...until I started thinking about what happened over the week and what one of my mum's friends/my neighbour said about men and relationships. Over the week... You see, just before Nil left for Chiangmai, we had somehow decided to NOT multitask anymore when we chat to each other at night. That we spent about one hour just talking every night just before I go to sleep (since I sleep earlier than him). Up till that night, we have always been distracted by a multitude of things that we do when we are online such as surf the Net, write blog entries, listen to French radio (him) and...well, the list goes on and on. He felt that it would be better if we just speak and not do anything else - that way he would have time to do his other stuff. Demanding was the word he used to describe me, just the way my ex did (and it did hurt hearing it again) EXCEPT that my ex didn't say that he loves talking to me every night, that he WANTS to talk to me every night. Although I must admit, until today, I have no idea what "demanding" meant. O'well, to a certain extent, Nil did have a point. By doing so, I would have time to go to gym (and linger there), watch some TV (I have been missing a lot of CSI and plenty of documentaries along the way), go out with friends, have a chit-chat with my parents (to which, I know I have been slowly neglecting) and well, just time to myself, y'know. Nevertheless, today, I couldn't help thinking about it, especially in relationship to what Mum's friend/my neighbour mentioned. She said... "A man must never be allowed to have too much freedom, otherwise he'll run away with someone else." She spoke of it in relations to Nil going off to Chiangmai without me. She warned me that if he were to do this more often, it could result in things that I don't really care to mention. "Someone else could grab him up while you're not there, y'know..." As much as I have faith in Nil and his faithfulness to me, I couldn't help but think about the logic of her words - especially moreso after experiencing it myself once. No, actually twice. Both my first and third ex cheated on me emotionally with their GIRL best friends. In both instances, my trust in men their age were completely destroyed, even more so with the incident two years ago that prompted the beginnings of this blog. Since then I have found it hard to trust men and it has taken this long AND a lot to start afresh with someone wonderful...someone who somehow has ended up being taken as the prime stereotype of "the man who could cheat on you if you don't hold onto him hard enough". But that's the thing: I DON'T WANT TO HOLD ONTO HIM in that way. I want to trust him wholeheartedly. I want to be able to look him in the eye without questioning his loyalty or love. I have, so far, but hearing what I heard just doesn't help, y'know. I don't mean to doubt. I don't mean to question. Perhaps it's just the heat. Or work. Or maybe just one of those crazy spells that people get - thinking about the bad stuff, the ugly stuff. I supposed I have changed over the years - no longer hopeful, optimistic and naively accepting. Sometimes I think this is what failed relationships do to you. Perhaps I could talk to Nil about this. Perhaps I could think more about it. But right now, some delicious prawn mee calls! ^_~

Going Googles...

2005-06-24T09:12:00.000+08:00

After reading about how some people out there were making some extra cash to help fund their blogs, I decided to check it out to see if it was really thatttt effective. I gather that I have nothing to lose from it and more to gain since my current salary ain't that much and I'm in dire need of cash to further cushion my savings (yes, that's why I am broke ALL the time). T_T It just works by just clicking - I think (but not too sure about, so it would be nice if someone can clarify it for me)...so HELP ME OUT HERE! I'm begging!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, when desperate I do beg - for info about how the system work (since I have this strange feeling that I'm begging for clicks). ^_^

Of ergonomics, and the politics of the day.

2005-06-23T17:26:00.000+08:00

I type a lot - even though my primary job doesn't involve much typing. Been typing since the days of my first computer and well, I tend to get really swollen and sore wrists (to the point where I have to tigthly bandage both hands for support and relief. So, after a few days of pondering and scouting, I finally decided to get some wrist support from the nearby computer store, Pineapple for RM45 and RM18 respectively. Unlike the bean bag look-alikes, this one is made of gel and thus firmer (and frankly, more fun!). It cleans easily as well and is great for relieving stress - coz it's more squishy and fun to jab into... ^_________^ Oh, did I mention that I have the long wrist support in red and the other smaller one in purple? Yes, Pineapple didn't have any red small wrist support gel thingies in stock and I didn't want to wait. Besides, I thought the colour difference would cheer up things at work, considering how much stress and duel-tone we are here. So now, my workstation is loaded with greens (from my three surviving and thriving plants), reds, purples, whites (from postcards, calender) and blues! Now because I got these wrist support thingies AND to commemorate the end of the semester, I decided to do some spring cleaning at work and thus, freed up more space for myself. I even moved my furniture (cupboards, drawers and boxes - for holding assignments in) around and re-position some stuff. The end result? A big free patch of space on my right and my new playthings on my left together with nice postcards of Nil's mum's artwork to gaze about for relief PLUS a new look which will probably last me for another six months. People should seriously start investing in things like this to help lessen the possibilities of getting CTS - but you know what? I'll be keeping these squishy pads of mine under lock and key - when I leave that is, simply because stuff on my table has a habit of going everywhere and anywhere but back on my table again. Pfft. Anyway, while things are getting a bit wacked out at another blogger's workplace (haven't been in contact with him for months already), it isn't exactly peachy in the private sector. We have had our differences - him with the public sector and me, with the supposed posh private sector supposedly pays well (bollocks, I say!!!) but I must agree with his most recent post. I am actually compelled to add in more, in light of the current political play at my workplace. All the back-stabbing and sly tricks by just one person to the top chief, whom my colleague and I spoke to this morning. That particular conversation revealed much about the nature of certain people - and it made me aware that some things never change, no matter which industry you are in. I was glad to be part of that conversation - was initially hesistant about skipping one or two ranks on the management structure but there was really no one else to speak to but the chief. My entire department, excluding QB, have the students sitting at the top of our priority list - not passing them but more like ensuring that they get a decent, if not good quality education in a country where the education system is seriously in dire need of fixing. Having said that, I personally do NOT like to make students wait for an hour or two just to see me about their problems. I do NOT like to turn students away for the "I am busy" reason. Neither do I like to not give them the attention that they need. A lot of the younger students came from broken families or have many personal issues. Their families lack that personal touch and since their next home is the school, they crave for it here. To treat them with disrespect, and even undermining their capabilities makes us very much just like their parents - people whom they feel cannot communicated, or connect with their needs and desires. Lecturers today play a BLOODY important role - moulding the minds of young people, teaching them a little bit about life and how to get through it, and more importantly, about how to learn from other people's mistakes (even ours). Instead, we push them further and further away until it becomes difficult, even impossible to ever reach them again. And then, when they fail us, we pin the blame completely on them. We tell them that they are rebels, that they are irresponsible and they don't know how to communicate - AND all the while, we are the same too. We share the partial blame - unfortunately as educators, half (and in some instances, all of it) of the onus falls on us to ensure that our students (at least most of them) turn out to be good, considerate, responsible and accountable people. The kind of people that will bring SOME good to society. The kind of people whom we will be proud of and don't mind announcing, "HEY, that was my student!" So it's very disheartening when I see the exact opposite of what I believe in happening in my own workplace and the culprit, someone who professes to be in tune with the student's needs/desires. O'well, I am hoping that something will be done of this. Yes, I'm hopeful. When you're in my line, you're either hopeful or cynical about things and I've had my fair share of being a cynic.

Lazy hours...today that is.

2005-06-22T15:06:00.000+08:00

Work has been relatively quiet and several bits of the paperwork that needs to be done every end of a semester is completed. So here I am, relaxing in front of the office computer, snacking on Cheezels (which is not good ~_~) and watching Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back. Nil had gone off to Chiangmai to join his sister while their family is here on a short holiday (that means I'll be alone this weekend). French class is coming to an end - today is, in fact, the last day of class and I'll be starting on Level 2 only in the middle of July. Yes, cherish the quiet time I will...because it won't last. We all know that, or at least I do. Next week I'll probably see doing some stuff along the lines of invigilation, meetings, scheduling and finalization of grades/files. OH, speaking of which, I still have my syllabus for Sociology to complete. Gack. Was going to talk about a variety of stuff - work-related and some personal stuff but I thought twice about it. I have somewhat realized that my blog is going through a slowdown. Maybe it is because I'm always tired and busy with other stuff...or maybe it is because I just think that there is nothing interesting to write in my very public blog - bitching about people, and stuff is always great but difficult when almost everyone else whom you would prefer not reading your blog is checking it out. Not to mention the fact that I'm just too lazy to move nearly one over year's worth of writing to another blog provider AND set up my pastel pinstripes template. *sighs* Does anyone know of privacy hacks (the ones that enable me to make some posts private) that I can install into Blogger?

Pastel pinstripes!

2005-06-21T20:44:00.000+08:00

I thought I'd do away with the black background - was kinda tired of it (don't know why so don't ask me why). Found this experiment with stripes or rather pinstripes successful. I really must admit that I like this design - it's pretty simple and clean...not to mention quite classy. *beams* Bollocks on those who don't like it! It's MY blog and you know what? It's not hurtful to the eyes - I should know; I wear super thick glasses and I hate blogs that are absolutely in dire need of some soothing colours! Won't go into names though. Too nice for that. ^_^ Tell me what you think! *excited excited* ps: Scroll right to the bottom! ^_^

Quizzes.

2005-06-21T17:06:00.000+08:00

I was bored and it's nearing 5:30pm. So sue me!

You Were Actually Born Under:

Your most comfortable inside your head - and often daydream the day away. You have an artistic temperament that makes you seem creative to some, eccentric to others. You avoid conflict at all costs, and you have a difficult time with relationships. Attractive and with good manners, you tend to shine in social situations. You are most compatible with a Pig or Rabbit.

You Should Have Been Born Under:

You are totally loyal, faithful, and honest. However, you don't trust others to be as ethical as you are! Straight forward and direct, you really aren't one for small talk. You are a great listener - and an agreeable companion when you're in a good mood! You are most compatible with a Tiger or Horse.

What Year Were You Born Under?

No wonder I love dogs so much!

You Are 65% Left Brained, 35% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning. Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

Yips...looks about just right!

Your Inner European is French!

Smart and sophisticated. You have the best of everything - at least, *you* think so.

Who's Your Inner European?

OHMYGOD! I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS! *LOL* @_@

A late Father's Day...

2005-06-20T15:50:00.000+08:00

While my parents were away holidaying in Macau, I spent the weekend lying on the cool terazo marble flooring of my home, trying to remain as cool as possible (in this crazy hot humid weather) while Nil busied himself with "A Very Long Engagement". My mind started wandering as I stared at the family portrait, into the smiling faces of my parents. Especially my father. I reminisced about the times when he would write five-page long letters to me while I was in Australia. About the times when he and I would sit down in the hall with a beer and some wine, ready to talk the night away. About the times when he made me feel loved, cared and appreciated. About the times when all I ever wanted was to see him smile, laugh with me and be utterly diplomatic and calm in chaotic situations. And I started to cry, much to Nil's horror (I lied when I said it was nothing - I just didn't want it to seem silly, y'know). It hit me then on that Sunday that I wasn't getting younger anymore and that Dad wasn't going to be around forever. If he lived long enough to see me get married and have kids, it would be wonderful but what if he didn't? I'd only have those nightly chats as a memory, only pictures of him to hold and touch in replacement of the real him, never hear his voice or see his smile again...only to have his letters to remind me of what a wonderful loving man he was/is. Even now, when I think about the horror of losing him, I can feel the tears starting up. It is just unimaginable - this support, this person that I had known all my life, the one who changed my diapers, the one who teased me, the one who gave me pep talks about relationships and the future, the one who debates with me about politics, work, life and people, the one who knew me more than I knew myself when I was first discovering who I was...never mind that I used to think of him as a discipline master (Dad was formerly attached to the M'sian Royal Air Force so yeah)... It is so hard to imagine life without him. I know of many young people who cannot fathom this relationship I have with my parents - one that is laced with humour, respect and equality (in our own ways). It is alright. The possible death of a parent is enough to scare people awake and I had my fair share of scares when I was young - which is why I'm so into building positive relationships with loved ones. But this is one scare that I have not gotten over. Perhaps this is why I strive so hard to find a man who is like Dad in some ways. Perhaps this is why I settled for a man who is not afraid to tease me, am affectionate, wise, understanding, patient and warm - someone who reminds me a little of my father (and it happens to be all the good things). Yes, it is true when they say that daughters find husbands/boyfriends based on the influence their fathers have on them girls. You know what? Father's Day shouldn't be just another day in the year. We should all be thankful that we have fathers of our own and that they continue to make every day memorable and wonderful in their own little quirky manner. .... Dad, You're DA MAN! So cool and young yet so wise and wonderfully stable. Thanks for the life and unconditional love you gave me. If only you could live forever...but then again, if we believed in reincarnation, then someone in another life would need a Dad just like you. And it wouldn't be fair for me to hold that back from them. Happy Belated Father's Day!

Colours.

2005-06-18T22:26:00.000+08:00

News ones since I felt like changing 'something'. ^_~ Enjoy while it lasts! :p EDIT: Some more quick changes...but I'm trying to fix my banner/header image now. In the mean time, please pray that this heat rash on my neck will go away. ~_~ I have doused it in Prickly Heat powder and it still itches! GACK!

Untitled.

2005-06-17T09:14:00.000+08:00

It's funny how some people totally dislike you but keep everything you gave them. It's funny how they swear they aren't like you but try to look exactly like you - hairstyle and all. It's funny how vehemently they argue about being unique but end up copying you. It's funny how they scorn you, accuse you of being a hypocritical, patronizing, attention-seeking bitch but in actual fact, am speaking about themselves. Hm. Sometimes when I look back, it is true what they say. People who go around uttering stuff like that, behaving in such manner are insecure. I'm better than her, she knows it and fears it - thus the irrational defensive arrogant condescending behaviour. No wonder she is alone. No wonder he doesn't get along with her. No wonder it's over between them. And you know what? I pity her. ....it's okay if you have no idea what I'm babbling about. It is meant to be that way, at least for this post. ^_^

Sexuality in Asia.

2005-06-15T14:43:00.000+08:00

First up, I must thank this girl and reporter (or article? Note: subscription needed to view the article) ultimately for inspiring me to come up with perhaps something that will be the next biggest change in my life. My PhD topic. Initially, I had plans to start working on something along the lines of the 'brain drain' phenomenon in Malaysia, thinking that it might help us understand people better and even take into consideration how policy affects the structure and movement of society. I wanted to understand why people were leaving - irrespective of race, age - and why some others choose to stay on. And then, after Saturday and the consequent backlash from the community, a light bulb began flashing in my mind and I took advantage of it. I began to ask myself questions...questions like this: - How do Asians deal with sex, nudity? - How does the Asian value system and the whole concept of Asianness integrate human sexuality into the picture? - How does the new media and even globalisation, for that matter, change the way we look at sexuality and ourselves? From these questions, I hope to touch on sex education, nudity, Asian pornography, sexual stereotypes and even other side-effects of sexuality - such as cohabitation, pre-marital sex, safe sex and lastly homosexual relationships. I might narrow it down further but it's okay for now. In short, the working title of my topic would be "Sexuality, Identity and Globalisation in South East Asia: A change in Asianness?" I have started making headway today, contacting my previous professors and asking them to be my academic referees as well as contacting one of the lecturers at NUS to ask for some advice/suggestion on who to approach as a suitable supervisor. So far, my previous professor, Stephen has made a reply and he is delighted to be my academic referee. I will be meeting up with him soon, since he's coming down in two weeks. Honestly, I'm looking forward to it since I haven't seen him in two years! Now just to wait for the news from NUS. ^____^ If all goes well, I'll be busy over the next few months doing some research, fine tuning my idea/proposal and submitting in my application before November. After which, I'll be looking at a long wait for the result... ^____________^

Untitled.

2005-06-12T13:26:00.000+08:00

I'm still in Singapore - only leaving tonight on the night train - and therefore, am currently spending the rest of the day holed up in Nil's apartment doing nothing. The conference went really well albeit some initial disappointment of last-minute pullouts of paper presenters. After getting some clearance from the A/P (Associate Professor) and chief organizer of this conference, Dr Habibul, I found myself recording 13 20 minute lectures on various aspects of sociology from sexuality to religion. However, I missed a possible good set of lectures on Saturday due to my failure to wake up. No matter, I could always email the presenters for a copy of their lectures - if it were possible. I also made some friends. There were many MANY academicans present - some attached with universities, others with government agencies. I got to know Sonia Nelson, a PhD student attached with NUS who is currently hard at work on a paper about representation of terrorist in South East Asian media AND of course, her supervisor, Leong Wai Teng - a senior lecturer at NUS with the Department of Sociology. He has been with NUS for ten years now and in the course of our two hour conversation, managed to convince me to apply for my PhD instead of going for my 2nd masters. Wai Teng had remarked at how surprised and bewildered sometimes that there aren't many M'sian PhD applicants to NUS even though they have a healthy scholarship grant to give out, that it's cheaper than other countries and it's closer to him. Instead the department is flooded with people from India, Bangladesh and China - which doesn't help matters because in most cases, their English aren't even decent to begin with; according to him anyways. He bugged me to apply as soon as I could simply because the entire department was on the lookout for PhD applicants with a varied background - not just in sociology but other fields - because it helps with research and analysis, not to mention make the topic more full-proof. When he asked for my qualifications, he was amazed that I had grounding not only in cultural studies and mass communication (journalism, film & TV studies AND communication theory) but in political economy. "You're perfect for this department!" was what I heard from him. He even referred to me as the 'media studies scholar'. Gack. Anyway, now thanks to him, I'm more encouraged to prepare my PhD application for NUS. Looks like it'll be keeping me busy up till November (it's for August next year since I just missed the deadline for the January intake). ^_____^ On the funny side of things, I saw nine pregnant women all in the same day. O_O! Is this some new wave/trend thing? Nil thinks it's only me but I'm beginning to think that it's breeding season, somehow. Hm.

Singapore, here I come!

2005-06-08T09:16:00.000+08:00

XD And no, it's not for the Great Singapore Sale! I'll actually be down there for a conference on social theory (sociology, basically) organized by the Department of Sociology, National University of Singapore - where I'm thinking of doing my PhD or 2nd Masters sometime next year. Some of the topics cover gender, migration, politics, diaspora and globalization - *rubs hands gleefully* - and the timing is excellent since I'll be able to use the material for my Sociology class in July and August. Now, don't tell anyone but I'll be recording the lectures using the MD player I borrowed from the college library AND if I can get my hands on the CD collection of papers, I WILL! So yeah...I'll be away until Sunday, so till then, bon weekend and don't be naughty!

The honeymoon period is definitely over.

2005-06-07T08:11:00.000+08:00

Well, it actually was a long time ago. They say that when the first fight occurs, it means that the honeymoon-ing is officially over. Yesterday night, me and Nil got into a huge tiffy over my French classes. We are alright now but I felt the need to share a few things I found interesting throughout the conversation. BACKSTORY If you're a close friend of mine reading this or if you know me very VERY well, you'd also realize that I'm ambitious and overly critical of myself. Throughout my years as a student, I have been giving myself pressure to do the best, achieve the top mark/top spot and be proud of myself. Therefore when faced with dissatisfactory results, I tend to go around saying "I'm terrible at etc, etc." My post-form five days were a good example - getting a C3 for Biology was my equivalent of "I suck at Biology" and whenever I got a lower grade that what I desired to achieve, I give myself a big non-physical lashing. BUT that's how I got to where I am today. Anyway, yesterday's French was good - she gave us a dictation, we took it down and she marked it. I made a few silly errors - things I shouldn't be doing after so many weeks of trying, reading and writing - and thus, was a bit upset, so much so that it was written on my face. "It's just four mistakes...don't worry," she said. Later when she made us read out what she dictated, my pronounciation needed some work - actually when I read certain sentences, I tend not to end it verbally. What she did was good but I was starting to feel really bad already. It didn't help that for the past few times whenever I ask Nil for help or a further explanation, he would go "You should know this already. Why ask me again?" and so forth. It felt demotivating and frankly, it was painful to listen to that when *I* keep telling myself the same thing. So finally I just stopped asking him for help. Even the conversations started to go because whenever I ask him a question, he just answers with two words and that was it. It was like "Not this again" coming out. Yesterday, he did the same thing - but he didn't even realize that he was putting me down until I exploded at him. It was "I feel you don't pay attention for French" that made my blood boil. For the first time in many months, I cried till my eyes were swollen. I tried telling him that he should understand my position instead of just shooting me off like that. I tried telling him that he makes me feel bad about myself when I don't perform. I tried telling him about what I was feeling but of course, doing it my way. BUT all we ended up doing for the first twenty minutes of the fight was yell at each other. And then the explanations started coming out. We said our sorrys, made ammends and checked (or rather, I checked) if we were still good. It was then I realized a couple of things about us... * Nil isn't the best of teachers - he admits that. He would make the worst of lecturers - so that's why he's an engineer and I'm a lecturer. * I like to understand things so telling me just isn't enough. I need time to absorb material, especially if that something is new to me. It's bad in this case because there is no logic in French. * Nil wasn't even sure if it was a good idea to help me whereas I think it's a great idea that I have someone who is a native French speaker - I can converse, ask questions and get him to help me be better. He believes in independent learning whereas I believe not in spoon-feeding but team learning. * Nil has a different way of seeing things. Mention the "you aren't doing the language, you wouldn't understand" if you want to piss him off. He is selectively emphatatic. I, on the other hand, assume that people should be 100% emphatatic by default. * Nil panics when I cry. Actually, most men I know panic when I cry. And when I'm very angry/upset, I cry. A LOT. * I am very very quiet when I'm angry and when I have nothing to say/add to the conversation (the former is so I don't say anything wrong and the latter is because the other person is right). On the other hand, Nil talks and searches for answers. He believes in talking things out immediately, whereas I take about ten to fifteen minutes to stop crying and calm down before being able to talk. * I'm emotional and Nil is more grounded. AND if you noticed, I'm a typical woman and he's a typical man. And we still love each other. It's weird but like what he mentioned a few days ago... "A relationship is about two people trying to make it together, solving problems that only come about because you're part of a couple - that's what we are trying to do." It's okay that the honeymoon period is over. Now we are more grounded in reality.

Things that made me happy today...

2005-06-05T23:23:00.000+08:00

Three pairs of earrings (all for RM10) and a new pair of glasses (tinted purple with funky clip-on sunglasses).

I just might put in more pictures showing off my already fat collection of earrings - I think I have about 30-40 pairs now. O_O! But yes, I'm happy. For now. ^_^

French Film Festival - Part I

2005-06-04T23:53:00.000+08:00

It's a bit tad late for me, so I'll just make a quick entry and dash out for bed. The French Film Festival, running from the 3rd to the 12th of June, features a variety of films ranging from the romantic to the comedic, sombre to the entertaining. Needless to say, with Nil in tow for the weekend, we parked ourselves at GSC Midvalley from 12 noon to 11pm just to catch three of the nine films available for viewing. As we bought our tickets (tomorrow, we'll be watching another two), the guy who 'served' us laughed and smiled, perhaps was even a little shocked when we told him that we had made reservations for five films - three and two within two days respectively. Up first was Je Reste! (I Stay!) staring Sophie Marceau and Vincent Perez; followed by Ah, If I Were A Rich Man only to end the movie marathon with Les Chorists (incidently nominated for Best Foreign Film at the Oscars). I must say one thing: French films are a joy to watch. Humour, drama, sexuality, sharp wit and sombreity (sp?) all packaged in just two hours. I'm looking forward to tomorrow when I end the Film Festival with A La Petite Semaine (Nickel and Dime) and Agents Secrets (Spybound) - I'm beginning to understand some of dialogue without having to resort to the subtitles! ^_^ Do watch out for the reviews on Monday and mayhaps Sunday afternoon when I get back from my movie spell. Till then, bon weekend!

The love of my life

2005-06-01T13:44:00.000+08:00

During the issues at work for the past few weeks, I have not had the chance to blog about my personal life, especially with regards to Nil and how my family have come to accept him as my boyfriend, and even future life-partner. You see...the love of my life has just been given the greenlight by my parents. Yes. Over the weekend, a very 'breezy' Dad of mine cornered Nil (actually caught hold of him when we got back from Star Wars) and had a nice chat with him about our relationship. He approves of Nil - even starting telling that he was also considered as part of the family (the future son-in-law). It didn't come as a surprise to me - even though it was pleasantly funny leaving Nil to Dad's clutches (I ran off to my room to go online). I had seen this coming when Dad went around refering to Nil as his future son-in-law during my uncle's wedding nearly six months ago. But this does say something about how my parents are beginning to look at me and him. I suppose it has everything to do with our age and the fact that we are very happy with each other (and I say this for the both of us since I do check-up on the health of our relationship every now and then). Perhaps it's obvious to two wonderful people who have been happily married and still very much in love with each other for more than 30 years. I remember how people in China took one look at us - even without us holding hands - and knew that we were a couple. Is love really that obvious? I know I'm happy. I am myself, and more than anything, I have a wonderful time growing up and reliving bits & pieces of my childhood. We wrestle, play tickle games, sit on swings and see-saws...and yet, we have serious talks, share our secrets and fears, talk about politics and other various topics (gossip, hobbies, etc)... It's like being an adult and a child - you can have fun yet be serious. Perhaps this is what love makes us feel. UPDATE (on the work situation) - I won't be resigning. Her terms are favourable and I liked what I heard. BUT if I were to get a better job offer along the way, I might just cut loose from my current workplace.

Loreal Feria Ruby Red Power!

2005-05-29T10:13:00.000+08:00

If you haven't seen me in a while, I look different...well, at least my hair looks different. :p It has been about two weeks since I last did a touch-up colour for my hair and this is the result:

ANYWAY... Am still figuring out how to finalize my impending approach with the boss. Have had some help from parents and Nil...but lets just say that I'm not looking forward to Monday AT ALL. Oh...and I watched Star Wars III - the love scenes are just so cheesy. ~_~ Will put up more pictures on the Beijing trip later. Tata!

HAPPY TEACHER's DAY!

2005-05-16T22:34:00.000+08:00

To the 59 million plus teachers around the world (as of 1997 - according to UNESCO's report here, thank you for making our world a better more civilised place to live in and being an inspiration to many of us.

HAPPY TEACHERS DAY!

ps: Did you know that the World Teacher's Day according to UNESCO is 5th October but of course, there are some variations. :p

Just a bunch of pictures!

2005-05-16T21:08:00.000+08:00

Nil loaned me his camera for this weekend - just for me to go snap-crazy - although I must say that he made it quite clear that I'd better remember to bring it with me to China or else....*hmmm* Anyway, I went trigger happy but alas, only the following pictures are suitable for viewing! ^_^

Voila! My workstation - all in its rather chaotic glory. Yes, if you are thinking that this is neat - do bear in mind that I can't work in a messy environment. Just never liked the idea. Plus it makes things super hard to find. :p Note where the fish tank in - very suitable location for it allows me opportunity to watch it swim around without too much hassle.

Half of my treasure trove of Body Shop goodies. Not in the picture are some Cocoa Butter sticks (the old one is wayyy much better), some Aloe Vera night cream, a bottle of Seaweed Freshner, an Intensive Moisture Mask, two bottles of Mango & Peach AND Strawberry Shower Gel (from Australia), one combo of Honey Shampoo and Condition PLUS an Africa Spa Hair & Body Mud Mask. OH, add some perfume oil to it, plenty of lip balms, bags and make-up goodies. You can see the Papaya Lip Butter on my desktop body in the picture above this one - I have a Blueberry Body Butter, Peppermint Cooling Foot Spray and Vit E Hand Cream at the office.

I recently bought these two assortment plus a whole lot of other things from The Body Shop in Singapore for SG9.90 each. Half of the goodies I bought went to a very stressed out student of mine and the other half was a present for my colleague who is expecting her second baby. This two - Raspberry Bath Bubbles and Papaya Body Butter - is for Nil's sister. I'm hoping to meet her in June, although I'll need to check my schedule because she's dropping by Asia sometime around the June Diploma intake. ~_~

A picture of my quite old SLR camera which costs me RM2000. I have taken it around the country and even to Australia with me. Even took some of my best pictures with it. It's an Olympus 2000 OM with spot metering. Why I like it? Honestly, because of the crank and the very fact that it is fully manual! Betcha you'd learn something if you use it often!

Another shot of the body, regular lens and telephoto lens - which by the way, all came together in a nifty little bag.

Lastly... That's all...for now anyway!

rage

2005-05-11T21:25:00.000+08:00

I got a shocker today when I came home. "Did you forget to pay a summons?" parents asked. "WHAT?!??? What summons?" It was then they showed it to me - the green piece of reminder of a paper. Apparently, I got a summons for not putting a parking ticket at SS14 (parking lot 029) on 12th March at around 5:15pm and thus owe MPPJ a good RM100. Personally, I only saw red. How can you get a reminder to pay a fine when you didn't even get a summons (stating that you were fined) in the first place? Why am I getting a reminder TWO BLOODY months after the alleged incident - when I don't even remember if I went to that place you said I was or not? Do the inspectors even have proof that they printed out the summons and left it on my car? MPPJ better not say that "I threw away the summons" because I will blow my top if they do say that. So yes....while I'm still in a rage, is this how MPPJ goes around doing its business? I see them leaving a summons on people's cars but what about mine? How come I didn't get any? -.-

Moliere's Tartuffe

2005-05-10T23:12:00.000+08:00

Upon recommendation from my professeur Marina, a whole bunch of us promptly made a trip to The Actors Studio at Bangsar Shopping Centre to watch a French satire entitled 'Tartuffe' [official website here] (aka The Imposter) [pronounced as ta.teuf] written by Moliere, adapted by Tim Mooney into wonderful rhyming English.

Btw, feel free to check out what NST has to say about this rather hilarious and 'real' play.

Just for starters, Tartuffe is a play about a hypocrite who has somewhat made his position in a rather rich man's home stable. While the rich man, Orgon and his mother is oblivious to his scheming, lustful, and frankly disgusting manner, the same could not be said for Orgon's other family members - daughter, son, brother, and wife - PLUS the maid. The last straw for them comes when Orgon announces that Tartuff was to wed his daughter, Marrianne instead of as promised earlier to her intended, Valere. BUT instead of persuading Orgon to see through the hypocrite, Tartuffe, they pushed him to the extremes - declaring Tartuffe as the sole heir and lord of Orgon's estate. And yes, the plot thickens. No, I won't tell you the ending. BUT I will tell you that it was good show despite some minor flaws with pronounciation from the younger thespians. The acting from the more senior thespians, on the other hand, was superb. Terence Swampillai (Tartuffe) made me want to strangle him at some point...and at others, just walk away with this feeling of disgust in me. His facial expressions brought out the true nature of Tartuffe well - hypocritical, toady, and loathsome. Kay Chin (Orgon's mum), Jodie Mae Larivirie (Elmire - the wife) and Lim Soon Heng (Orgon) shone in their respective roles. In the beginning, you wouldn't mind just shoving Chin out of the theatre hall - if you had any bad experiences with disapproving grannies and motherly figures. I must say she takes the cake for the best fainting 'stunt' that I have see on stage so far. BUT the best of them all was Anne James who played Dorine, the maid of the house but not quite the maid as she stands up to Orgon and the rest of the family member. She has wit, humour and wisdom in her as she attempts (in the beginning) to point out Tartuffe's faults to Orgon, comfort Marianne after her father's announcement and of course, throughout the entire play. Oh...she also makes superb tea - hint: watch out for the intermission. It's a killer but a pleasant one! ^_^ The rhyming in the dialogue very engaging and to a certain extent, laced with humourous satire and wonderful expressions. If only my students could write as well a script as this was written. Tim Mooney definitely did a good job with the adaptation. Here is an excerpt taken from Bibliomania (refer to the link on Moliere's name):

Orgon: Ha! good morrow, brother. Cléante: I was just going, and am glad to see you returned. The country is not very cheering at present. Orgon: Dorine … (to Cléante). Pray, one moment, brother-in-law. Allow me to inquire the news here to ease my mind. (To Dorine). Has everything gone on well these two days? What are they doing, and how are they all? Dorine: The day before yesterday my mistress had an attack of fever until evening, accompanied by an extraordinary headache. Orgon: And Tartuffe? Dorine: Tartuffe! He is wonderfully well, stout and fat, with a fresh complexion, and a ruddy mouth. Orgon: Poor fellow! Dorine: In the evening she felt very sick, and could not touch a morsel of supper, so violent was still the pain in her head. Orgon: And Tartuffe? Dorine: He supped by himself in her presence; and very devoutly ate two partridges, and half a leg of mutton hashed. Orgon: Poor fellow! Dorine: The whole night she did not close her eyes for a moment. She was so feverish that she could not sleep, and we were obliged to sit up with her until morning. Orgon: And Tartuffe? Dorine: Pleasantly overcome with sleep, he went to his room when he left the table; and jumped into his cozy bed, where he slept undisturbed until morning. Orgon: Poor fellow! Dorine: We at length prevailed upon the mistress to be bled; and she was almost immediately relieved.

I felt like smacking Orgon at that time for ignoring his wife and going on and on about Tartuffe's welfare. -.- Anyway, I won't go on and on for now - because it is simply just too late and I'm still reeling from the wonder of it all. It has been ages since I last entertained myself with a play/musical on stage...and I think I'll do this more often. It wasn't too expensive. I paid about RM23 to get a middle seat on the sixth row from the stage - and well, today wasn't full, so I could move to other seats without hesistation. :p If humour, sarcasm and wit is your cup of tea...Moliere's Tartuffe you will enjoy!

No Streamyx.

2005-05-03T17:03:00.000+08:00

I came back home over the weekend to find out that my modem died on me. ~_~ So it looks like no Streamyx for the next few days or until the technican comes to fix it. Hopefully Dad will be more anxious about it than I am. Looking forward - frankly - to this period of quiet and solace - since I rarely do much preparation at work these days. ~_~ So here's to a 'forced' hiatus!!!!

Just another one of those days?

2005-05-01T13:32:00.000+08:00

It has been nearly four months since I last visited our fair neighbour down south. Nevertheless, I managed to a good trip down on Friday night (and subsequently Saturday morning) - even though Nil got a hangover and overslept, thus forgetting to pick me up from the MRT. My love affair started with two simple issues: buying a gift for some friends and a phone charger - my trusty Samsung kaputed on me on Saturday afternoon. I have never failed to admire the wonderful reliable public transportation in Singapore. It vows me till this very day - timely train schedules and bus rides...and everywhere I looked, there was in fact plenty of busses and taxis. Very unlike Malaysia where I could drive around for hours and not catch a glimpse of one bus. Of course, there was the issue of Singapore looking like SimCity or even the hours you have to incur from travelling from one end of the country to the other. But when you're very much a city person like myself, I suppose that sacrifice is quite okay to make. So I'm not making sense. It's alright - under the circumstances. The weather here has been crazily warm - not a single raindrop in sight but plenty of clouds. And I just spend the afternoon in a heated foodcourt surrounded by church goers in their fine attires. For a moment there I thought it was a working day. In a way, it made me smile - young people decked in their best out to church...until of course I saw the church itself. I remember my first impression of the place. "Is this some council building?" I had asked to which Nil's reply was a short but sweet "No, it's a church." We are talking about water facades (sp?), big huge shiny bits of grey-silver tiles, traffic guys waving around, CCTV cameras overlooking the streets and a plaque that read "Powered by CISCO". It made me wonder. At the back of my head, I had often thought that churches were a place of sanctuary, a welcoming home for the needy, tired and even hungry. But walking past it in the hot weather made me quite skeptical about even walking in to ask for a nice cup of cold water. Was the look to be all and all even when it comes to religion? Would God be happy to see His church represented in such manner? Going back to the two issues: gift buying and of course, my dead Samsung phone. I made my way to The Body Shop to find that they were having a 75% sale off selected items during certain bits of the day. Body butters, scrubs, bath gel, colognes and a whole variety of stuffs were now SGD9.90. O_O! I packed a few in for two gals whom I knew were desperately in need of some relaxation and made a vow to myself to check out The Body Shop for myself the next time I came down to Singapore which will be in a few weeks' time. They had weekend goodie bags going for SGD20-something (shampoo, conditioner, facial wash, cream, comb, cotton swabs, etc), a collection of their new perfume range (the one where you mix and match) for SGD25 and a whole variety of packs that were - honestly - worthwhile buying. But enough about The Body Shop (never mind I used to work there for 9 months) but on with it. Ever heard of a USB mobile phone charger? If you haven't, you can purchase one in Singapore for SGD8 - you can even purchase one that had pull-out plugs for Ericsson, Nokia and Samsung phones at Harvey Normans here. Me not being very tech-savvy loved it totally. You just plug it into your notebook or PC and of course to your mobile phone and it'll start charging. Am trialling the one I just bought. Maybe I will be able to write a bit more...but a shower is greatly needed...it's getting too warm. Geck. ps: Did I mention that we went to watch The Interpreter? It's an excellent show - don't know if others will share my sentiment but I found the whole politics behind the UN quite real actually. But must say this, Golden Village in Singapore has the smallest cinema seats ever. For the first time in my cinema going life, I felt claustophobic (sp?). pps: The heat has affected my spelling abilities. I am beginning to feel my brain swelling. Definitely must take that darn shower now.

The story of happy cables.

2005-04-27T08:17:00.000+08:00

*cough cough* Quite some time ago, there lived a group of people in a row of huts. They were your typical group of people - some were wives, others were husbands and one or two were children. They led their own lives, did their own things and formed their own family units. Theirs was a home within a hut, so to speak. Occasionally one or two of the families would venture out to interact with each other - share gossip, news and even food. Then the rains came and no one talked to each other. No one shared and life was...quiet. Everyone did their own thing. Now this would not have been a problem (or the story for today) if not for the fact that each of these little huts were connected to each other by cables - yes, happy cables that spanned a few miles long. No one knew where these happy cables came from, neither where they lead to. All the families knew was that these happy cables made them...well, happy. Yes, back to the story. Then the rains came and one stormy day during the rainy season, one of the happy cables snapped. Five families were affected but only one came out to investigate what had occured. The rest sat in their homes, thinking that it was only a temporary thing. That one family discovered that over the course of the season, the rains had damaged several surrounding trees, causing one to topple over the cable and thus relying on it for support. BUT last night's storm was particularly bad and the cable, after hours of tension, finally gave in and broke. It laid on the pathway, testiment to its suffering. The head of that one family walked back into his hut, sent out a message pigeon and waited. A few minutes later, a group of burly men came and one by one, they fiddled with the happy cable towers and before you knew what they were doing, all the huts went silent. No more happiness. Some families started grumbling outloud. Some were quiet as if no one was staying in them. One or two came out to talk to each other. Questions came flooding out. "What happened?" "Why don't we have the happy cables on anymore?" "Was this because of the rain?" "Did you know anything about this?" "Did anyone do anything about it?" And slowly, everyone started asking the same question. "Why didn't anyone do anything about this?" But it was already too late. The trees had to be removed before the happy cables could be activated again. That could only be done in the morning. So all the families had spent the night without happiness - which they did, rather unwilling. Moral of the story? Well, I'll leave that up to you. All I know was that I spent the entire night sleeping in the hall and doing my French homework by the candlelight because there was no electricity. Why there was no electricity? Read the story.

It's 5am...

2005-04-23T05:07:00.000+08:00

...and I'm awake. Well, actually I was up around 4-ish, lingered in bed for a while trying to go back to sleep but decided at around 4:30am that it wasn't happening. So I got up, took a shower and here I am, blogging about my thoughts. Or should I say just one of my thoughts? I'm the sort of person who doesn't like to linger on decisions. If something needs to be done, I do it immediately - I'm like that when conducting personal matters as well as stuff related to work. I can break-up with my ex on his birthday and my excuse till today is this: "Why wait till another day when it is going to be bad news anyway? I'd rather get it over and done with ASAP." Similarly, I like to be speedy and quick on my job - don't know how many people are like that but I appreciate such attitudes, especially if they are reflected at work. But having too much on my plate has led me to a prioritization mess at the office so much so that I'll have to admit one thing: one cannot teach four subjects AND handle administration work at the same time. Especially if the administrative work is shitty and was handed down to me in a shitty manner. AND especially if I have not been briefed on many matters. *interruption* I'm hungry. *continues* I have been advised by many people - Nil and parents included (who incidently have wealths of working experiences like this) - to speak to 'her' on Monday about this and continue doing MY stuff should she not show up. Since everything was based verbally and there was no letter of appointment, I am technically free to go back to my post as lecturer and my duties before. I also have every right to reject an offer or reconsider it - after all, there was no new contract and even the Human Resource department doesn't recognize me as the programme leader of my department. Nil is in Singapore this weekend due to some work commitments. I'll be going down next weekend to get away from it all just for that particular holiday. My parents will be out of town, so in the meantime, I'm going to attend my training later at 9:30am, try to get some rest, run some errands, do some housechores, prepare for my lectures and get ready for French class on Monday evening. Everything else can go take a walk in the park or fly a kite...unless of course, it's an invite for a drink. ^_~

Change - what does it really mean?

2005-04-21T22:16:00.000+08:00

Upon reading one of my student's blog (she happens to be a good friend of mine - though heaps younger), I started to think about change. I started to roam around blogs, reading archives, trying to pick up on the little things that have impacted this person in the last few months, years, weeks...even days - trying to discover if change was like what I thought it to be. Have you changed? I look at myself and I see changes. My secondary schoolmates would probably disagree since to them, I haven't really changed in terms of appearance or behaviour. They see me as the bookish, nerdy, quite...stable, home-y type - since my hobbies revolve around things I do at home...apart from the occassional travelling. I wonder if they would still say the same if they knew of the things that happened in my life for the past nine years. Yup, it has been that long since I left school. I may still look the same - less make-up during the day, same old hairstyle (just a different colour) and mayhaps even same built and same fashion sense (simple, nothing outrageous or revealing). But I feel different inside - I have had so many life altering experiences that I used to wonder to myself if what I felt was really reflective of who I was. Open-heart surgery in 1997 that left me with a 7-inch scar running down my chest. Took me three years to brave wear low-necklines. Still takes me a while to adjust to the stares and questions I get but at least I don't mind wearing stuff that allows a peek of the scar I have. Failed relationships and encounters with lecherous guys, abusive men all took a toll on me and ultimately my personality/character. For a long time, I was very different from what I wanted to be. For a long time, I couldn't bring myself to trust men without question, without hesistation. For a long time, I was hungry for real love and lonely. I become depressed, suffered manic depression and I went mildly schizo for a while. Changes in the home environment allowed me a chance to discover the real world, met wonderful people - who despite all my shortcomings personally, made me appreciated and loved out there as a colleague and classmate. Inside, as I reflect on how I have changed over the years... I went from a rather nonchalant, ignorant, naive girl to a responsible, pro-active, ambitious woman who knew her place in society yet wanted to be more than she could be. I went from depressed, nutty, insecure to satisfied, happy and confident. I used to tell myself during times of trouble that change was something bad. I used to question why this particular guy lied to me about his wife. I used to fault myself for my ex's failures in his own life. I used to hate the idea of change - of meeting someone, of breaking up, of losing loved ones, of moving... I used to ask so many questions without ever telling myself that some things are meant to happen to teach us a little bit more about life. I lost sight of who I become in the midst of the cloudy questioning. And in a way, I'm thankful for finding myself again - for sticking up for myself...for changing. Today I find myself gearing up for more changes, big or small. Time and time again, I tell myself that my life will never be as certain as I want it to be. While that means things will inevitably be hitting me, it also meant that I could make the best out of situations - bad or good changes. Simply because of this: Change is inevitable. We can change for good or bad but what matters at the end of the day is that we change. To remain stagnant is to signify the inability to grow, to learn, to mature. Change will happen - we can never stop it from hitting us. BUT whether that change is positive or not, well...that depends on us. So what are the changes that have impacted your life?

Dwindling things...

2005-04-21T20:52:00.000+08:00

...since I had time on my hands (from taking leave for the past two days - plus the fact that today is a public holiday), I decided to change the look of my blog, create the French one which I've been promising to do but never got around to it AND of course, update some stuff - namely things on the sidebar. Am quite happy with how the blog has turned out, even though I went crazy in the initial stages when it 'disappeared' after failing to republish fully. I realized that since pulling my blog off PPS, I've been getting less hits and traffic has dropped, but I'm not really concerned about that. I suppose it is also due to the fact that I haven't been posting as often as I did in the past and about more controversial stuff. Can't say I miss the old days though. Nevertheless, my thanks to the people who have been faithfully visiting and sadly been treated to old stuff. I'll try to blog as often as I can but as you know what they say about blogging... It stops when people get busy with other things in their life. ^_^ Hope you like the new look.

We have a new pope!

2005-04-20T10:32:00.000+08:00

His papal name? Pope Benedict XVI. Admist some jubilations, I have been witness to a few disappointed individuals regarding the appointment of Joseph Ratzinger as the new pope and spiritual leader of the Roman Catholics worldwide. Never mind that some of these individuals aren't even practising Catholics and thus aren't directly affected by this unsurprising appointment. BUT why do I say unsurprising? Well...after spending nearly two days watching CNN, reading editorials and updating myself with backgrounder information on the Vatican and issues plaguing the Catholic faith PLUS observing the changes within my own church as well, I have somewhat told myself that the Vatican would not have elected a moderate cardinal as the future pope. With issues such as homosexuality, birth control, stem cell research, abortion and challenges to the theology itself hitting the church hard, it is not surprising that the Vatican wants to go back to the very basics - theology and in other words, orthodox Catholism. I find it being reflected in many churches today, where there is a strong attempt to hold on to the basic theological teachings, which ultimately is said to provide believers with a clearer picture on where the path lies and how we are to live our lives. The Protestant church is often concerned with the issue of relativism - 'changing or adapting beliefs to suit current circumstances' (which frankly is often seen as the short-cut and ultimately incorrect way to practice the Christian faith) - so why not the Catholic faith too? I think it would be pretty insulting to God to change theological and religious practices just to find more acceptance among the people of the world today - such as the incorporation of female popes/cardinals/priests/leaders and the acceptance of abortion. Even my church draws the line between what we will do as a religious institution, religious followers/believers and as part of society. Why? Because religion isn't about politics or feminism. And at the end of the day, the faith is about seeking acceptance and approval from God, not from man. The Vatican selected an individual whom they felt would best lead them closer to God, closer to the one thing that matters to them. And for that, I'm happy - happy for the one billion over Catholics worldwide. Happy that they have chosen a good, firm, knowledgeable man who will lead them and the faith into the future. Funny how a better part of the world has turned this 'election' as a political fiasco when it was never the case to begin with.

Petty thievery...

2005-04-18T12:55:00.000+08:00

...I can't stand it, especially more so when it occurs at the workplace. Over the weekend, my favourite writing utensils have gone missing - one mechanical pencil, and about three to four ink pens (black, blue and red) [it is so bad so much so that I can't do anything without them]. A while ago, it was my stack of A4 paper which kept dwindling without me ever knowing why and my stash of 2B pencils. Long time ago, it was my stapler, ruler and what-nots. Granted that these are little things and that I could easily purchase a few more 'expensive' pens (ink pens cost anywhere from RM3 to RM5) BUT come on, these things are so trivial and petty. I can't believe I have to take preventive measures for safeguarding my stationery. Funny thing about the entire matter is this: I have more expensive stuff at my workstation which is easily available. So why my stationery? Pfft. Am silently cursing that whoever took my stuff will have his/her fingers rotting off in the near future. -.-

There are just days...

2005-04-08T21:01:00.000+08:00

...when I wish I could turn back time. ...when I wish I could travel to and fro M'sia without the need for a visa or passport. In case you're wondering what on earth is it that I'm babbling about, well in about two weeks, it would 1.5 years since I left Sydney for home. I remember blogging about it last year, about how I missed the air, the warmth, the lights...the place I found myself in. In the months that passed by, I slowly forgot about my sad musings. I could relate the happy memories but only for the benefit of others like my students who were leaving for Perth. I could relate the experience but was unable to feel them. When the New Year came around and I got busy with work and a new position, I had even forgotten the date, the year... Until tonight. Watching Kylie Kwong wander through the streets of Surry Hill, the Sydney Fish Market, staring at the myriad of visuals on the telly - sunshine, colour and all...all of it brought back fond memories - memories that I had placed right at the back of my head and completely cut off. So that I wouldn't have to be sad. ... I remember the friends I had - Wen Qing, Apple, Gower, Andy, Marine, Henry, Aiya, Damiano, Anna, Ranmani...so many names - I barely remember them now. I remember sipping a cup of hot coffee, chatting away with Gower under the trees of my university campus about global issues and Malaysian politics. I remember having a bottle of chocolate milk with Andy as he asked me questions about dating habits of Malaysians - somewhere near where I sat with Gower a few weeks earlier.

I remember watching Andy worship the sun with his platinum blond hair, cheeky smile and blue eyes - all the while smiling at the sight of Apple, one of my Chinese classmates who shielded herself from the sun. What a constrast. I remember watching ducks waddling towards the lake on my way to the gym in the evenings. I remember cuddling up to myself in my socks, trackbottoms and long sleeve wooly top during winter on the couch, warming my hands with a couple of Cadbury 99% Fat Free Hot Chocolate.

I remember my interview sessions with The Body Shop and the fun I had with all the girls. I remember walking to work AND class in my boots, holding my jacket to myself even though it was summer. I remember watching the wild parrots peck at the seed treat I hung on the tree in my yard.

I remember the stroll I took along Sydney Harbour, watching the streetside performances, smelling the sea and fresh foods, gazing out to the Opera House and the sea beyond. I remember the lights of Darling Harbour and the nights of lovely dancing and music with my housemates and friends. I remember walking down the entire length of George St. just to find my favourite second-hand bookstore, the smell of books, sitting on the floor with an old book in my hands, just flipping the pages away. ... So many things, thoughts...memories...and yet part of me wishes to cry because that is all they will ever be. Just memories. I miss Australia...more specifically...I miss Sydney.

Out of curiosity...

2005-04-08T17:56:00.000+08:00

Some free time, that is what I have now - just finished an internal training on teaching and learning (can't elaborate due to policy and what-nots) - but know what, that isn't really the point of this entry. Was just ruminating about several things after being bombarded with jokes, information and ideas on how to be a better lecturer...and oddly enough, the things I was ruminating on don't even relate to teaching.

What do you know when someone you don't know very well emits auras of dislike towards you?
Do you feel upset - or in the mildest of manners, affected - by such emotions? If you do feel upset, how do you cope with such things?
If you don't, is it because your skin is as thick as a rhino's hide or...? Do you ever stop to think as to why they don't like you?

I suppose I'll have to take some time out to figure this on my own but comments are appreciated nonetheless. In the meantime, have a good weekend! ^_^

What is a parent?

2005-04-07T21:29:00.001+08:00

Just two days ago, my former boss popped by for a visit - she is now principle of another education arm linked to my college - and during the chat with me and my colleagues, remarked about how some parents need to be re-educated. To a certain extent, it was true. Many parents today have more help manning their children as compared to their grandparents - teachers, maids, nannies and what-not. My parents would never dare dream of pinning the blame on my teachers when I failed my classes or never attended them. In all the PT (Parent-Teacher) meetings they attended, the fault lied with me and the visits were to better understand me when I'm OUTSIDE the home. BUT parents of the students I get are vastly different... My colleagues have gotten yelled at, threatened and even scolded for the most pettiest of things by parents. Parents seem to forget that we, lecturers, are also human beings and are also teaching other classes apart from the ones their children are enrolled in. Parents seem to forget that they too are responsible for the well-being of their children even though they are in college. Yes, our duties are to educate and impart knowledge to their children but as parents, don't you have duties of your own to fulfill? It came to the point where one parent - in his furious state - yelled "My daughter is not an adult, she is still a kid and I expect you to look after her when she is here." Yes, you and another two hundred odd parents. Guess what? There are only eleven of us in the Department including the Head, who is barely in because of business development plans and what-not. Mind you, the girl in question is turning nineteen this year. It was stated in one of the more recent issues of TIME Magazine (they did a cover on education in the US) that parents think of the educational institution as a washing machine. Dump your dirty children in and when the cycle is done, they WILL come out clean. After all, if your washing machine is working fine, your dirty clothes DO come out clean, don't they? That was how the educational institution was seen in the eyes of the regular American.

And I don't think I'd be wrong in saying that we see our schools, colleges and universities as the same thing - dump our lazy, unmotivated, good for nothing children in these places and expect a top-of-the-class, charismatic adult to walk out with a scroll in their hands, all clean, pristine AND easy to manage. I know of some great parents out there who don't mind waving around a firm hand or two when it comes to their children, who think about others too when it comes to educating their children BUT sad to say, many parents out there just don't care about people like me. Being an educator is not an easy task, especially when the only support you seem to be getting is from your family and no one else - not the parent, not the child, not your workplace and not even your government. Teachers, lecturers and sometimes even professors have to bear the brunt of failures in their classes simply because the people who provide for us are concern with quantity and not quality. Because parents equate A with greatness. Because parents confuse a letter with substance. "Charity begins in the home." So whatever happened to learning from your parents, OR learning the basics at home? I remember first learning my ABCs, how to read and write at home, diplomacy and tact plus a whole lot of other things...as I grew older, Dad would actually take time out to make sure I knew how to do my Math homework and when I went into college, my parents would faithfully attend PT meetings only to be told that I pressure myself too much and that I push myself too much sometimes. Dad (and Mum) get on their 'learning is a lifelong thing' on an ocassional basis and till today, the educational experience has never stopped for me - even in my home. Parents enter their children into schools and colleges/universities in hopes that they need not fulfill their basic parental roles anymore - thus the educational institution today can be seen as a surrogate parent or even a maid, to be abused and used. Instead of being someone their children can look up to, someone their children can turn to in times of trouble, someone their children can learn from, the parent has reached this stage in human society where we have no option but to ask several questions... What is a parent? What are the duties of the parent? Do those duties stop immediately when the child hits schooling age? If a parent is someone who guides, motivates, disciplines and teaches a child...then is it okay to say that we educators ARE parents of our students? If that is so, what gives birth parents the right to belittle the efforts of many teachers and lecturers around the world? Personally, I have been very lucky to encounter really patient and gentle parents - parents who are genuinely concerned for the educational well-being of their son/daughter. BUT the realist in me knows that one day, my luck will run out. I hope it will not be too soon.

Students today...

2005-04-05T22:08:00.000+08:00

...I have come to regret giving out my mobile phone number to students for emergency purposes. I have even come to regret giving them my MSN contact details. Silly me had thought that in an effort to better reach the students, I'd be as contactable as I could be. However, at the end of my first semester, I realized my folly (I started receiving stupid phone calls at midnight asking about assignments, and even at 2am in the bloody morning with regards to how to write their paper!) and as such, only certain students had my number - namely students I trusted - matured ones and those whom I share a close relationship with outside the classroom and college. The rest were told only to contact me before7pm. ON MSN WHEN? During the day and early part of the evening was okay. Anything after 10ish or 11ish and you'll be ignored. WHAT? Assignment queries, clarifications, and operational matters or even a chit-chat is fine. ON PHONE WHEN? During the day and before 7pm. WHAT? Life and death situations. My students - the ones who have left for Australia - still had my MSN but it didn't become an issue until recently. They were smart enough to know WHEN to bug me and WHAT to bug me about. Along the way, I make exceptions for students who desperately need someone to talk to even though I'm tired, or busy with preparing lectures and what-nots. I don't mind doing that... But there is a limit to everything. Earlier this evening, specifically at 10pm, my phone rings. I picked up only to hear the following words "Mabel, hi. I'm wondering if there is class tomorrow since you were on MC today." *grrr* To this student, I want to say this: Did it ever occured to you that when I'm on MC means I don't like to be bothered with work? That when I'm on MC - unlike you jokers - I am actually SICK (if that means anything to you in the first place). My office doesn't even call me, so why the hell are you calling asking me if there is class? Unlike you folks who can decide to go on MC a day or two before your actual MC, I, on the other hand, go on MC for ONE day and only find out that I'm on MC that morning itself. I don't plan my MCs and there WILL ALWAYS BE CLASS unless you see a blardy notice stating otherwise. That means you still show up for your other classes. Last but not least, this is not a life and death situation so why the hell are you calling me? And then some other fella HAS to go and IM me with the same question. Student: "Mabel, tomorrow got tutorials ar?" Me: "Why not?" Student: "I tot you MC mah." Me: "Unlike you folks, when I go on MC, it's for one day unless you were told otherwise by Shirley (my colleague). So yes, there is class tomorrow." Someone please shoot me and put me out of my misery. Am seriously contemplating on hanging up on my students or unknown phone numbers. Must announce this issue during class tomorrow. "DO NOT bug me after 5pm unless it is a life and death situation. Panic attacks about impending deadlines do not count as an emergency." =.=

NOTICE!

2005-04-04T20:20:00.000+08:00

*enters the stage* *cough sputter cough* ON MEDICAL LEAVE UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE. *bows and exits* ps: Just give it another two to four days. I should get better by the end of this week. Sorry, folks.

Rainy days...

2005-04-03T22:03:00.000+08:00

...and Mondays always get me down. - Carpenters I'm moody and it's hard for me to understand why. I couldn't stop crying as the time for Nil to go home drew nearer and nearer. It didn't help matters that I am not totally prepared for one of the lectures tomorrow morning, that I'm boggled down with assignments and pop-quizes to mark AND the fact that I'm an adjudicator for a debate topic which I have no idea about - China and regional security. Couple ALL that with a scratchy throat, blocked nose and sneezy constitution - yup I think I'm coming down with something (which isn't that bad but you never know...) *sneeze* Meh.

Untitled.

2005-03-29T21:42:00.001+08:00

I signed up for French today - it was, after all, the next best logical thing to do since I'm going out with a Frenchman and is adament on making this relationship a long-term one, if not something a bit more permenant. Paid RM630 for 30 hours of Beginner Level 1 French at Alliance Francais up in Pusat Bandar Damansara. In return, I get a textbook, workbook, CDs, free access to both films screenings by Alliance Francais and Kakiseni. It will probably take me another year before I can sit for the first level of the diploma in French (from the French Ministry of Education) as well as the Certificat de Langue Française 1 from Alliance France. BUT I'm sure it'll be good. Anyway, to help plot my progress in French, I decided that by hook or by crook, I'll have to blog in French. It'll be tough but it's for a good 'cause', so to speak. Will update you folks when that site is up and running. ^_______^

What's new?

2005-03-28T20:37:00.000+08:00

Well... It rained from 2am till 1opm on Friday last week. Essentially I spent it hiding away in either the nearby cafe or my A-chalet off Long Beach, Perhentian Island. My vacation - frankly - didn't start off very good. The transfer from Kuala Besut to Perhentian was bumpy, almost rollercoaster like with the boat hovering in mid-air while attacking rough oceanic waves and almost hard-tiny-rock-like droplets of rain. Yes, we were crazy enough to go on a speed boat during the rain in the morning. I arrived on Long Beach soaking wet, cold and hungry. No breakfast - it was destroyed from the ride. -.- Had thought of settling into a warm bed, all clean and fresh immediately after checking but to my dismay, it started raining right after I came out of the communal shower - some few feet away from my hut. I got wet again. Never mind that. Settled into bed only to realize that my bed was in actual fact a mini sandbox. Oh-kay. The rains subsided to a quiet drizzle and Nil suggested a swim. I accidently took my specs with me and passed it to him since he was wearing trunks with pockets. As I soaked nearer to shore, I squinted away at Nil who dived and played around with the waves. A few minutes later he approached me looking rather guilty. "I think I lost your specs." I thought he was joking and searching his trunks. "I'm not joking." Hm. I spent the next two and half days nearly blind and being able to only see blotches, spots and blocks of colour. Gah. That Friday night, after feeling utterly miserable and crying my eyeballs out at what a disappointment the vacation was starting to be, I had hoped that sleep would come easy. There was no electricity, thus I had to leave the door wide-open. There was no moisquito coil around and the net was in a total shambles, so I had to rely on my trusty insect repellant. Just as I was dozing off to sleep beside Nil, it started. Friday club music - Beyonce, Enimem, Nelly...you named it, the cafe two 'shacks' away played it. AND quite loudly too. It sounded as if my next door neighbour decided to install a home theater system in his living hall. Luckily the following days weren't so bad... Apologies upfront for the lack in pictures due to bad weather and Nil losing my spectacles. I reckon it'll probably in the middle of the ocean, rusting away. In the meantime, it's back to work for me. ps: Did I mentioned that my flight back from Kota Bahru with Air Asia was delayed for an hour? I reached home at 1am-ish and by the time I hit the sack it was nearly 2am. I was up again by 5:30am to send Nil off to KL Sentral for his flight back to Singapore. Gah. I need sleep. Four hours isn't enough.

The right to die...

2005-03-21T21:28:00.000+08:00

As I'm busy handling students for the March intake (both new and old) AND lectures for this week and next (because I'm going on a well-deserved, self-given break), the US is making waves for their topic on death. Not revolving around war though...but around one brain-damaged woman who has been on life support for nearly fifteen years. Her name is Terri Schiavo and she is 41 years old. Collapsing from heart failure that led to brain damage in 1991, she has been on life support at a Florida hospital. Her hubby - insistant that his wife wanted to call it quits had her feeding tube removed; but mum and dad wants the tubes reinserted, stating that their daughter deserves to live. As CNN.com broadcasters went on and on about this case and how it went to Congress and finally President Bush who signed a bill stating that the Federal Courts were allowed to hear her claim to the violation of her basic rights to live. Quoting Bush from this CNN.com article:

In cases like this one, where there are serious questions and substantial doubts, our society, our laws, and our courts should have a presumption in favor of life.

I found this discussion interesting, to say the least. I see both sides of the story and somehow find it hard to decide where exactly my position puts me in. IF assuming that the husband is right and the wifey wants to die, why stop her? Aren't humans endowed with the spirit of free choice and free will? Looking at it from the assumption that what was reported by the husband IS right, I would say that it simply is distasteful to state when and how a person should die or at least get the law/courts/Congress and finally the President involved. Isn't death a personal matter? Or at least so in this case... I mean suicide victims can choose their own deaths; we don't see legislations being drafted into place to forcibly prevent people from committing suicide. It is, after all, a personal choice to live and continue living. Since when was it ever our right to decide when, how and who should live or die? IF assuming that the husband is wrong and the wifey wants to live, good on the parents for bringing it to the action of the medical experts, police (if they are involved) and the others concerned. But getting Congress and the Presidental signature just so you can sue the husband and get a restraining order out on him is...well...too much for me to handle. I am tempted to say it's simple but then again, this is America we are talking about. They sue anyone for anything. What upsets me here is this: While parents, husband and the country is going bonkers for a few short days over this issue of pulling the plug on her or taking the hubby to court, no one seems to be thinking about Terri. No one seems to be wondering if there is any hope for her after being stuck in hospital for fifteen years. If she wants to live, why isn't anyone doing anything more to help her apart from going through the legal framework and movements? Why isn't anyone assisting with research to help her recover? Why isn't anyone volunteering to give her a portable life support or whatever? Why can't they help make the few days she have left comfy? And if at all she wants to die, why isn't anyone taken that into consideration? Aren't we forcibly holding her back if she wants to die? Frankly, if I was in a vegitative state, the last thing I want to be is alive and be a constant burden on my family and husband. And if someone were to hold me back from dying, why can't my hubby - like Terri Schiavo's - sue the courts, her own family for forcibly allowing their daughter to live when all she wants to do is DIE? Hm. This is complicated. But what isn't?

When 'no thank you' means NO!

2005-03-15T21:30:00.000+08:00

DISCLAIMER: This is in no way an attack on the gym as an institution - just ONE of the trainers there - who has since left me alone to go about my business at the gym. Other than that, the place has been a gem to workout in. ^_^ Since I had missed gym yesterday, I thought I'd make up for it by visiting the gym today. You know...to do the whole destressing thing. I didn't sign up for gym for the sole reason of losing weight; I signed up with the foresight that gym helps me to burn some stress away too - whilst I'm lifting weights or pounding away on the treadmill/bike. So I happily had packed my bag yesterday with my gym shoes, clothes and an old sarong that belongs to my mother - wanted to try out the sauna and relax away under the wonderful mist of warm steam. I was planning to hit the gym right after my last class at 5pm but due to some circumstances at work - ad-hoc meetings to discuss timetables (which have to be finalized this Friday) and handbooks (also this Friday) as well as other operational matters - I ended up only leaving at 7pm. No matter - I can exercise till 8pm, sit in the sauna for a bit and go home, shower, rest and spend some time talking to Nil. So, I parked my car, headed up to FF in Damansara Uptown, swiped myself in, got settled, changed and off I was headed towards the treadmill. I was just two minutes into my usual routine (Speed=5.5 to 6.0, Gradient=9.0, Time=30 mins) when He came. Now, He is my so-called personal trainer which was frankly unwanted. When I signed up for gym, I had explicitly mentioned that I DO NOT want a personal trainer; that I like doing my routine ALONE and more importantly, I don't like to be hassled into anything. Now the deal is this... About two weeks earlier, He had called - I was in class and as per more professionals, we don't carry our mobiles around during lectures or tutorials. When I came back after four hours of back-to-back lectures, I had 12 missed calls...all of them from one person. I got home that day and my parents informed me that a certain someone by the name of *blip* had been calling non-stop. He called again - while I was in class - about six times and left messages. The final time he called, I was there to pick up the call and here was how the conversation went: Him: I'm *blip* from FF in Damansara. I was wondering if you'd like to make an appointment for a personal training session with me because I see from your profile here that you're interested in blah, blah, blah (I was losing him here because I was busy with work) Me: Oh. Thanks for calling but no thanks. I don't need a personal trainer. Him: May I ask why? It's a complimentary session and blah, blah, blah. Me: I know it's a complimentary session but really, no thank you. I'm busy and I don't think I'll be able to make an appointment anytime soon. Him: How about next week? (*hits her head on the table*) By then, I had realized that there was no way in hell He was going to take "no" for an answer. I made an appointment, postponed it to the weekend where I went with Nil and when the day came, I went for it - thinking that I might get something out of it AND that He would leave me alone. It was 9am and He immediately put me on the bike, asking me to do an effort level of 3 and at 70-80 rpm for 20 minutes. No warm-ups, no slowly easing me into the routine, no nothing...not even taking my weight. By the tenth minute, I was dying. My muscles were aching really badly - I can't even describe it (it felt sore, and tingly, painful to touch) and all He could muster was a "what's wrong with you" in the most condescending of manners. He then put me on weights - 50kg squat which nearly killed my knees, 20kg leg curls for my hamstrings (he made me do one leg at a time), 7.5 lbs for arm lifts, 20kg for my pectorals, and about another three different combinations of weights. And throughout the entire time, I was already breaking out into cold sweat and feeling utterly dizzy. I told him to stop and he goes "But we aren't even reaching your limit. Do it." WHAT THE HELL. After the entire session was over, He ran through the money issues with me and that was when this happened: Him: It's only RM2000 plus for this much of sessions... (I can't remember the details, except for the fact that it was really expensive and out of my budget) Me: Well, I still need to think about it. It is a lot of money, y'know. Him: Look here...which is more important? Your health or your money? Me: I just can't decide on a whim like this. I need to go back and re-evaluate my financial position. When I do come to a decision, I'll let you know. Him: Are you sure? Because many people tell me that and they never come back to me. I was so ready to shot myself in the brains after that. He finally relented and I rushed back to Nil. I sat on the bicycle and slow pedalled - just to relax my muscles a bit - to which He went "I thought you said you were tired." =.= Five minutes later (after he went away), I started seeing stars and I was coughing and feeling pukey really badly. Nil made me sit at the table, told me to rest a bit before we go home and as he sipped his tea (I refused any drinks because I just felt really bad), told me not to see this guy anymore because 1) he overworked me to the point where I felt like collapsing, 2) there was no warm-up so my body went totally haywired and 3) it wasn't the right way to exercise. So I continued to go to the gym, and had managed to avoid this guy until today. He approached me in my second minute into my regular routine... Him: Hello. Me: Hi. Him: You still have a free second session with me, y'know. Me: Yes. Him: Would you like to do it now? Me: No thanks. I'm here to relax. Like to do my own stuff now. Him: Come on. Might as well take it. I'm quite free actually. All my clients cancelled on me. (I wonder why.) Me: Seriously, no thanks. I had a long day at work and I'm here to destress. Why don't you relax? Him: Can't. Boss will fire me if he sees me relaxing. Besides, what's so stressful about work? You're a lecturer. (I gave him this weird look that goes "and what do you know about my job?") So okay? We'll start on something light. And he proceeds to punch the buttons on the treadmill, thus leaving me with no other option but to agree...begrungingly, I might add. He hikes up the gradient to 12.5, varies the speed from 6.0 to 9.0. Bear this in mind: I increase my 'resistance' gradually and because I haven't been to the gym in a while, it takes quite some time for me to build up my gradient and speed PLUS stamina to the right levels. At the moment, my max gradient is 9 and my speed hovers from 6 to 6.5 and I don't jog. It hurts my boobs and I wasn't dressed appropriately for it - regular bras don't give jiggling boobs much support, y'know. He sees my laboured breathing and continues to hike up the speed even though I tell him to lower it. He has the cheek to tell me "I don't think you're at your limit" and even when I tell him to slow it down - "can you lower it?", he increases everything. My muscles were screaming, my throat was drying up and I certainly wasn't destressing or felt as if I was starting off slow. Finally, in the 8th minute, I stopped and I just stared angrily at him. It was a bomb waiting to explode. I was here to destress and relax from a long day at work. What I didn't need was aggravation and being bothered by someone who couldn't take a hint for him to go hike off. (in very low firm voice because there were two other people beside me) Me: I am not doing this. I had enough. No more. Him: But I'm not even taxing you out- Me: That is not the point. I had a very long day at work, I'm here to destress and I don't need this kind of aggravation to my body and my brains. I like to do my own thing and frankly I don't want to do this anymore. Him: You could have told me earlier. Me: I did. Him: You didn't. Me: YES, I did earlier. Twice. You weren't listening. To which he grudgingly mumbled an apology and walked off. And the longer I stayed on the treadmill, the more angry I got. I was being polite when I told Him "no thank you" the first time. I don't want to be crude and tell Him to go away or ignore Him. I expected a professional like him in this business to be able to handle rejection as calmly and civilly, not to mention with finesse, when it hits Him. I didn't want to reach to the point where I have to point out His faults in public in front of other gym-goers who could be His future clients. More importantly, I didn't want to be doing things that my body isn't ready for. I had that taste in the first session He gave me - I felt so sick...for a few hours...and my body hurt like hell for two days. Exercise for me is not about pain but about fulfillment, enjoyment. I don't want to have to see the gym or think of exercise as something horrendous or gruelling. It's part of the psyche that I have developed in order to help me feel motivated to go to the gym on a daily basis - now and then. That's why I never got a trainer in my previous gym in Australia, that's why I went to the gym every day because there was no one to bug me and because I enjoyed exercising. Now what pissed me off while I was in the gym - I left ten minutes later (no exercise, no sauna and no destressing) - telling myself that the last thing I wanted to do was blow up in a public place and be so disgusted with the gym that it cuts into my fitness routine - was this: When a customer says 'no thank you' it means they don't want whatever you're offering but they are civil and polite about it to save your face as well as theirs. It doesn't mean you have the god-given right to shove whatever it is you're offering to them and force them to take it when they don't want to. I did sales. I did retail. When someone says 'no thank you' to you, you smile, wish them a good day and walk away. You leave them alone to do their own thing. If they need you, they'll look for you. If not, you concentrate on other people. You do not, in whatsoever circumstances, even if you were desperate to meet your sale quota do the following: 1) Plead and beg. 2) Pin the fault on the customer if she/he changes their mind halfway. 3) Attempt to extract sympathy in hopes to get them to buy your products/services. 4) Assume you know anything about your customer. 5) Decide for the customer. Because when you do all those things, you make a total ass out of yourself and you give other people in the same field a very very bad name. Think about it the next time someone says 'no thank you' to you. Will you back away willingly or annoyed them so much that the next few words uttered from their mouths reeks of nothing but anger and irritation?

New comments system!

2005-03-15T14:14:00.000+08:00

I have taken the liberty of changing the comments style/page - to reflect changes in the nature of my blog as well as my life. Less time to keep an eye out for this journal of mine (getting busy and what-not) and my blog has somehow morphed into something more private and rant-filled. Apologies for the people who have left comments on Haloscan - it's still there - but do feel free to leave some form of feedback using Blogger's new comment system. Thankies.

This is annoying.

2005-03-14T22:08:00.000+08:00

Work has become even more stressful and my short weekend break totally did not work. I ended up bursting out into tears in a nearby carpark as I ranted and raved to Nil about our upcoming travel plans. I suppose this is one reason why I just absolutely hate planning for travel. If I'm not in the mood, if I'm too busy with other things, just don't piss me off with stupid remarks...or worse, hurtful remarks. I came home too tired out to go to the gym, emotionally frustrated and frankly speaking, just not sociable. The short nap I took after a very light dinner of small portions of noodles made me even more cranky and after going through the reading for tomorrow's lecture, I decided to go surfing. Thought of checking out some stuff with regards to travelling to Perhentian and what did I find? I bought the wrong bloody ticket. Instead of getting it for Kuala Besut, I went ahead and bought it for Dunggun - which will take me longer to reach Besut ALONE and in the middle of the twillight morning that is 5am actually. Why? Coz Nil has no idea what town to go to even after travelling to Perhentian TWICE and me went blindly hunting for WRONG information... You know something? I don't like the idea of travelling ALONE in the middle of the early morning. Nil doesn't understand that this isn't Singapore, this isn't Australia, this isn't Europe, this isn't ME! Hell, even when I was in Australia, I never go anywhere alone past midnight. That's just asking for heaps of trouble - which incidently was what happened to a neighbour's friend who was ambushed and raped in the wee hours of the morning just outside of the campus. I don't go walking around the streets, taking cab rides and what-nots at 5am in the morning looking completely stupid and lost. It's not because I'm not independent or anything like that. It's because I AM NOT STUPID enough to do such things. It's bad enough that things are pretty quiet at those hours, it's bad enough that I did the same thing in Lumut (to go to Pangkor) and felt utterly dirty when being stared at by all those guys out at the mamak after finishing their nightly jaunts in god-knows-where. It's bad enough that I was soooo sleepy and so afraid to fall off to sleep lest someone robs me or ambushes me. Why do I have to be the fucking one to take all the risks? Why do I have to be the fucking one to travel alone in the middle of the night as a young female? This is so annoying. So much so that I balk at the very idea of travelling in the future simply because I have to put myself at risk for just a bit of a break. Why can't he understand that every time he mentions the words "travel alone" or "I'll meet you there" together with "early morning" and "never mind la", I JUST SIMPLY DON'T WANT TO GO ANYWHERE ANYMORE? It is too dangerous for me and frankly, unwarranted risk. Why can't people understand that? Why can't people see that the first thing we are often concerned with is our safety and security? Why does it have to be insisted upon? Why does it have to be the final and only option?

Sepet & Samuel Hui

2005-03-12T21:06:00.000+08:00

Meng looi yau si, tong sui yau... Meng looi muo si, mok keong heong kau...* *(loosely translated as "If life has something to offer you, it will come. If there is nothing life can offer you, it is best not to hope for things..." - Mabel's mum, 2005) The above is the chorus from a song written and sung by Samuel Hui. It marks the end of what would be one of the better locally made productions that I have seen since I returned back from Australia. Apart from some ackward disjointed bits and the 'weirdness' in sound (can't really describe it - felt the foreground sound was louder than the dialogue), the movie was meaningful, enjoyable and realistic. Realistic enough to make me laugh, cry and nod along with the characters. Best of all, I didn't watch it at a cinema. I bought an original copy of the VCD at Jaya Shopping Centre while trying to beat the afternoon heat with Nil. Yes, even the DVD-supporter in me has a conscience...and concern for the local film industry even though it may seem that I don't talk about movies often enough here. My liking from this movie comes from the unusual way it has been shot and presented. The angles gives it a very polished feel and the presentation - I'm glad to see that 'real' people and behaviours were presented (Malays watching Chinese soaps, Chinese dudes listening to Malay songs - we are so multicultural that we don't even realize it ourselves) and yet, we are a weird mix of both insecure and confidence - we make fun of ourselves and we stand up for ourselves. It is wonderful to hear good ole' Samuel Hui crooning songs from the 80s and 90s again, especially more so in a small town like Ipoh and the setting that has been presented. Samuel Hui's songs are mostly about friendships, life and love - these include women, and money, of course. What was more important was that his songs were real and so was this film. I looked at it and somehow, I don't see an interracial relationship blossoming with all its problems (cue: Spinning Gasing). I absorbed it only to realize the awakening of the cold hard reality of life and fate. We can't always have what we want and sometimes we have to lose the things we love in order to appreciate them and love them even more. Life isn't fair, people will always be people - obnoxious, rude, condescending, arrogant, insecure, and more importantly everchanging...BUT some things, thankfully, still remain the same - love, revenge, friendship and family. Yasmin, you might be interested to know that my students have been asked to review your movie for a Screen Studies assignment that my colleague is teaching. He loves your film and so far, the twenty odd students agree with him. You did a wonderful job and I'm glad that you've gone on to make more films. You are truly born to be a storyteller of this world and perhaps even more. Kudos to you and your team! To you there on your chair, If you haven't seen this film, go watch it. It'll be worth your cash. I promise.

Just bits here and there...

2005-03-08T22:42:00.000+08:00

Since I have no idea on what I should concentrate on for today, I decided to come up with a few bits and pieces here - mostly about recent events, decisions and funny insights (or unfunny ones). Bonjour? This morning, I got in touch with people from Alliance Francaises about my interest in taking up a French Beginners language course with them. I had, a few months earlier, done a little research on my own on the Internet, calculated certain things, worked out my schedule and decided that if ever I was going to get serious with Nil, picking up French would be one of the sacrifices that I'd just have to make. So I gave them a call - since their website was still showing information for the January intake (which is already coming to an end). Had a friendly chat with a French lady by the name of Amelie (like the movie) and decided, admist the fact that she had the same accent as Nil, that I'd just go ahead and sign up for the course. I just need to prepare two photographs, bring my IC and RM545 in cash for a whole 30 hours (10 weeks) of tuition, registration fee and materials. Now why did I settle with this place? I had my pick of language schools nearer to home and at a cheaper rate but I wanted something 'official'. Alliance Francaises issues out certificates for students from various levels and these paper documents are recognized by the French government as proper. They even have a Diploma in French Language - which if you graduate with, makes job-hunting in French speaking countries a whole lot easier. Plus you may even get to become a translator with that diploma (but I'll need to double check on that). It would definitely make things easier for me should I end up migrating to France, picking up a job or hell, just living every day as it comes. Of course one of the main problems with signing up for languages is definitely the money. My increment and wind of allowance is not in yet and from the looks of things, it won't be much. Expenses for CNY have put a dent in my pocket due to the fact that when CNY comes, it is assumed that the kiddies - like myself - bear the brunt of facing the cashiers. It didn't help that most of my 'new' resolutions, like going to the gym, treating myself to some new clothes and shoes (been ages since I bought anything new), educating myself with more books ALL happened in the same month. I nearly fainted when I saw the plastic bill online. Nil doesn't mind helping with the French language course but I don't know... I, for one, have never been okay with the idea of loaning money from a partner...or anyone. It just makes me feel utterly incapable of managing my finances. I gave it much thought - even though he just brushes it aside - and crazily enough, I still have yet to come to a decision. I am left with two options: 1) pay everything myself OR 2) split the bill 50-50 and pay him back whatever I owe him.... Whatever it is, there is no way that I'm putting the language class on hold...AND there is no way that I'm going to ask him to pay everything. It would be...hm...too much. Of roads, idiots and stress... For funness and just to relieve stress (which I discover was totally the opposite), I decided to count AND write down number plates of cars that committed traffic offences while driving to the gym from work (and back of course). Here is the not-so-full list for just TODAY...come on, people...I do have to have both hands and eyes plus mind on AND at the wheel, y'know! For jumping the queue at the traffic light (bear in the mind that there was a double line you casually drove over) WHU 275 CAS 8844 For double parking and being a complete nuisance to people who want to exit out of their PROPER parking lots... WLR 4793 NBD 7725 BFD 484 WFC 5270 WKC 9768 For being a stupid idiot by going around in your car with one broken headlight and one functioning one (DO YOU KNOW THAT OTHER PEOPLE MIGHT MISTAKE YOU AS A MOTORCYCLIST?) BDM 4932 I actually saw a few others - there were two other who jumped the queue (classic case of 'monkey see, monkey follow, monkey do'), countless others who double-parked (but I had to drive on by) and a few more idiots who were reading letters/on the handphone/eating while driving on the LDP. Is it any wonder why I didn't want to drive for a year after getting my license? O' when will I ever be able to go on a vacation? Nil and I came up with some vacation plans just to spend some time together ALONE...even though I suspect it's more for me to destress. He *did* notice that since I got promoted, I've been more stressed out, tired out and just plain ole' crazy from the work. I barely get to talk to him at work, and by the time I finish gym, I can only stay up until a certain hour before my body starts ranting and raving about sleep. We came up with some options for certain spots... 1) Labour Day hols would see us in Lang Tengah/Perhentian/Redang/Kenyir - which reminds me, I need to start making arrangements for that. ~_~ Hm...just called Nil. We're going to discuss it this weekend when we meet up. 2) Wesak Day hols would see us in Bali for a short trip - I'll probably fly down to Bali alone, meet him there and come back alone. Hate the idea actually but if I did it my way, we'll end up spending too much time just on the travelling. OH SHYET. Mum's birthday is around that time. ~_~ Geck. Then there is the trip at the end of the year as well to Lyon, France to meet up with Nil's family and friends - planning on stopping over Paris...and there is the issue of getting winter clothes and all that, preparing the cash...aiks... Hm...lots to do, plan and watch out for. SHYET. Time for bed. Nite folks!

Just like children again...

2005-03-07T07:21:00.000+08:00

Admist the impending doom of breaking the news of my police report (and subsequently car crash to my parents - have yet to tell them...) and the horror (plus frustration) of having to put up with ex-bf's lunatic rantings at me over the Net and online, I had a good weekend. Perhaps some of you may ask why even considering that the past week had been shitty - PC collapses on me, car accident (-.-), office going bonkers and of course, fights over nitty stuff with the boyfriend... I had a good weekend because I felt like a child again. Never mind that I had meet up with my secondary school friends and been served with a 'warrant' to attend a wedding, which I may not go to (coz am going to Lyon to visit Nil's parents and family AND friends). Never mind that this year alone, I'm told, five of my school friends are tying the knot. Makes you kinda left out - but then again, my to-be-married-officially-socially tells me that I have it great at my age - she doesn't really want to get married but hubby's family had been pushing them - four years together, she tells me. O'well...grass always looks greener on the other side. Nil got to meet them albeit weird circumstances but never mind. Off we went for another gathering where he met my GUY friends. Boy was that funny. We ended the first afternoon's outing by getting lost and making additional km on my car just to get home but never mind. I had fun. I always have fun with him...which brings me to the gist of this entry. I had spent a good portion of my weekend laughing, playing and basically just having fun with him. We settled in when he first arrived with hugs and kisses. I had missed the warmth and gentleness of him too much to just write him off to me being sleepy. Our evenings were spent walking around my house hand-in-hand, sometimes arms around each other - near the deserted children's playground which had a couple of swings and see-saws. We sat by the bench and felt the breeze past us by. Talked about impending holiday trips and a future together. And then we did it. We decided to go see-saw-ing. A couple of adults in their mid-twenties see-sawing. It felt weird at first, so we gave it up after a few minutes. BUT it didn't stop us from doing it again. The next evening, we tried and this time, it was fun. Fun to be children again. Fun to watch each other laugh and smile at the other's happy form. Fun to be yourself. I never had it with my ex - the laughter, the goofy-ness that you get off with just because you're part of a relationship, the memories of watching your bf tinker around with your parents, going on holidays just to keep the spark alive. It felt great being partner to a man who wanted to make things work just as much as I did. I can only hope that this will last... In the meantime, it's back to being children and having fun...hm...did I fail to mention that we're making a trip to Sunway's theme park next Sunday? Nil is fascinated with the water slides and I've never been there. Yup. We are totally like children in love. ^_^

Why do I even bother?

2005-03-02T20:58:00.000+08:00

Today was the prime example of how sometimes people just can't be bothered to do the right thing. They do it, thinking that it would be good, y'know - part of obeying the law and what-nots, with no ulterior motive of cashing in on someone else's misery - only to be greeted with a "I'm sorry but you're guilty and here is your fine." Someone knocked into the back of my car as I was switching from the left to the right lane - just in front of the UM Library. I was heading towards the auditorium for an exhibition...my car is in okay shape although the other driver's wasn't - she was driving a Kelisa/Kancil and thus a bit dented in. I thought I was doing the right thing by making a police report just to protect myself. And as I was relating the incident to the sargeant, I was suddenly told that I'm being fined because I was the one at fault. WTF?!????!!!!!!!?????????? No matter how hard I protested, how civilly I presented my case, I still lost. He still insist that it was my fault because I should have been on the right lane instead of the left if I wanted to turn right...never mind that I was wayyyyy before the turning, never mind that I was already in the middle of the lane when she rammed into me, never mind that I had earlier turned in from the left and therefore carried on the left lane because I couldn't switched lanes at the crossroads. When I got back to the office, feeling utterly miserable, having to face the prospects of RM300 compound, and RM50 gone to unlocking my car (because of the boohooohaa, my colleague stepped out of the car after I did...and well, my car has auto lock...well...) and not to mention that the person who rammed into my car insisted that I pay her RM400...to which to not make a scene and being naive (this is my first accident and gawd, I feel stupid enough already without having to endure snide remarks), I relented for RM100...which earned me a lecture from the police officer about settling on the street (to which he told me to ask her to make a police report if she wants more money)... ...suddenly people are telling me that I shouldn't have made the police report in the first place. That I shouldn't be accountable for anything, even if I wasn't at fault...that I'm being cheated by the police. My only consolation comes from the fact that the bumper of my car can be realigned for RM85, that I have a colleague who is also in my shoes, and that boyfriend has been understanding and patient. "Just take it as an experience. A lesson, you know." To which, I decided to console myself - "I think this is something everyone has to go through once in their entire life." Why the hell am I such a nice person? Why the hell am I such a responsible person? *starts hitting herself on the head*

Healthy eating.

2005-03-01T08:08:00.000+08:00

Since starting gym nearly two weeks ago, I've been cutting back on carbs and concentrating on minimizing the currently quite large and frankly useless portions of food I keep getting whenever I do take away or eat at home. I allow myself one portion of carbs a day - no more...and if I can help it, I wouldn't mind eating less of it. Now when I speak of carbs, I mean refined carbs - cakes, white rice, white bread, noodles, stuff like that. I up my intake of fruits and veggies but maintain a good serving of meat just to keep the tummy filled up. And then over the weekend, while talking to Nil online and relishing the comforts of home alone (my parents are away in Miri for the week), I somehow chanced about the idea of eating as I would when I was in Australia. Back then - nearly two years ago now - the things that ran around on my shopping lists (I mention them in plural because I shop for groceries every week) were the following:

Veggies: Organic Pak choy and lettuce
Fruits: Strawberries, grapes, mangos (when they are in season), fuji apples,
Deli foods: Sliced cheese (reduced fat and salt by 50%), turkey ham (coz it's healthy than chicken), reduced fat mozarella cheese, salami and of course, ham for sandwiches.
Meat: Meatballs, lamb/beef,
Milk section: 1kg tub of vanilla yoghurt (99% fat free), fat free milk *yum*
Cereal: Instant Quaker oats with flavours like baked apple and French vanilla, Quaker Cereal Corn/Oat Bran
Treats: 99% fat free baked pretzels
Others: Tomato sauce, elbow pasta, multigrain bread, tortillas (I use them as wraps).

Once in a blue moon would I get a small tub of ice cream and take forever - like three months - to finish it. But I miss eating that way - the way which makes my body happy and me happy too... And thus, I came upon the idea that since my parents would not be around this entire week, I could do anything and cook anything I wanted. So right after gym, I went to the nearest Giant and bought myself stuff that would make my body happy again - instant oats (I'll settle for drizzling honey or dopple sugar onto them for flavour...maybe get vanillin sugar), wholemeal bread (why can't we have multigrains??? They look just like white bread but has crunchy bits in them), pasta sauce, milk, fishballs, grapes (strawberries were too expensive), and a packet of Japanese noodles for my dinner last night. And so, this morning, I had my first small little bowl of cereal in ages - Quaker Corn Bran with some HL milk. YUM! ps: Lunch will be some oats...and dinner will be pasta! YAY! Now back to work...geh.

Hazy.

2005-02-26T20:57:00.000+08:00

Sourced from The Star

It's so hazy out there that I can hardly breath without fearing death...or at least clogged up lungs filled with smog. ~_~ I dreaded taking the dogs out for their morning and evening rounds. Hell, it was hard for me to step out of the house without considering the thick smog outside. Driving down the hill outside my house after convincing myself that being hungry at around 2pm wasn't good for my body and that I needed food (I made some mee hun kueh for brunch), the once visible KL Tower and KLCC had now disappeared behind the thick smog. I couldn't see behind the office block just around the corner from my house. If only I could escape to some other land where the air is cool and fresh...*sighs* .... On the side, I managed to finish one of my lectures - Intro to Digital Media - and discovered that I'll have lots to cover in two hours - am hoping that I'll be able to finish on time. :p To give myself a treat, while I was out buying lunch, I also bought some haircolour. My hair is now a bit purply-red under the sun. Am hoping to take a picture just for fun's sake! ^________^ Will probably spend tomorrow reading up on Media in Asia Week 2 about globalisation and finishing up the lecture for Monday and if I have some time to spare, I might spruce up the presentation for another lecture on Monday as well. Of course there are the usual housechores - Mum's plants are still surviving - and I'll need to mope the floor and see if I have any outstanding laundry to do. .... Nil's on his way to the airport. His parents are going back to France tonight because they have to start work on Monday. Hopefully I'll be able to talk to him when he gets back. I miss him and am trying to make up for what happened last night - even though we chatted after I made my blog entry and he cheered me up well. In the meantime, I suppose I'll just have to wait it out with some movies at 8TV and American Idol. Have a good weekend, folks...and do pray that the haze will clear up. ps: Don't forget to pray for more rain. There was a fifteen minute shower which didn't do much and we really do need more!

I hung up on my boyfriend.

2005-02-25T23:27:00.000+08:00

Why? Because he kept telling me to go to sleep or to relax. I couldn't take it anymore. So I said goodnite, hung up and promptly burst into what seemed to be a long long torrent of pent-up tears laced with frustration. I think about work ALL the time. It comes with the territory. I'm thinking of research materials and notes for lectures. I'm thinking of how to better admin processes. I'm thinking of how to effectively come with up a less-hassle free timetable. I'm thinking of my soon-to-disappear-weekends-for-two-months burried in training. I'm thinking of backlogged work. In short, work never just stops at the office...I take it home with me - and it is not through choice. To become who I am at work, I had to bring my work back with me. To become where I am now, I had to make sacrifices. I'm stressed out from overdue stuff - lectures that are due in two days which I haven't started on, timetables which are supposed to be out in two weeks which I haven't started on...and why? Because of left-over stuff from the Feb intake and because the previous person in my shoes screwed up big-time with the modular structure. The last thing I need is to hear "Sleep la." Sleep won't solve my problems. I go to sleep and the next morning at 6:30am, I'm up and my problem starts all over again, if not, gets worse. I dream about work for crying outloud OR I'm too tired to dream at all these days. Gym destresses me, releases all my pent-up frustrations and vents. Without it, I get 'sick' internally and tired mentally often. If anything, I need solutions - long term ones - to my problems. You want to help me out? Give me suggestions on better admin processes, on how to cut down on paperwork, on how to get a good timetable with minimal clashes and issues... BUT I don't need to be reminded that no one wanted this position. I don't need to be reminded that I don't need to take work home. I don't need to be reminded that I should go to sleep whenever I feel tired. I don't need to be reminded that I barely have time to talk to my boyfriend... ...and most of all, I don't need to be reminded that I shouldn't expect so much from him and that it seems like I don't appreciate his concern (which I do). I just want some helpful suggestions. I just want to feel rejuvenated again and not mentally ill all the time, y'know. I just want to feel that there is some meaning to what I'm doing. That I'm doing something good and worthwhile.

Feeling under the weather - Part II

2005-02-25T21:07:00.000+08:00

And I'm beginning to hate the fact that I have to have a part II for this stupid title. ~_~ Since starting gym and going through some pretty eratic eating times (sometimes not eating at all), I'm finding that while gym is excellent for keeping me awake and tiring me when I need to be so - my body temperature has been fluctuating. Today, at work, while everyone was relishing the aircon - quite timely so because of the heat outside - I found it too cold. When I step outside, my head throbs annoyingly from the heat. At home, the water is usually cold but after two minutes under the shower, it feels warm - like body temperature. At times, I find myself heating up just as I used to in Australia during winter. It doesn't help that work is going crazy on me. Just as I finished tweaking one timetable, I have to set another one - this time for FOURTEEN subjects and in less than three weeks. *faints* Add that with my eight hours of teaching load, working out kinks in the system and churning out better administrative processes...I'm surprised that I'm not sick yet. My parents went away today to Miri for a week of holidays - they had called when their flight with AirAsia was delayed (what's new?) - and while some think that I should relish the thought of being home alone, I don't actually. Simply because I just have too much on my hands to work with. Gym surpressed whatever 'bad' appetites I have and it stops me from feeling guilty when eating OR overeating. But I had to return home early today to feed the dogs, walk them, water the plants and everything else that required me doing or else it would be awfully late by the time I finished with those chores. Just to give you an idea, I left work at 5:30pm, arrived home like fifteen minutes later and by the time I was done, it was 7pm - about the time I come home from gym. And only then did I take my shower. I had skipped my regular one hour of gym and because of that, ended up wolfing down a regular Super Supreme pizza. About one hour later... The bloody pizza is making me really sick and at times, I find myself wanting to puke all that out. I overate. Huge problem when utterly hungry and skipped gym in the process. Bleh. Nil is busy with his parents - they're back from Bangkok and leaving on Sunday. I hate not being able to talk to him. I hate the fact that I get so busy at work that I barely have time to tell him stuff or chat with him about anything and everything. I hate it that by the time I finish gym and get home, I am so tired out that all I ever want to do is sleep. Hell, I fell asleep on him during our Skype conversation recently. Sometimes I can totally understand why people just want to be with their partners at the end of the day - when they go home. Me? All I ever come home to are my dogs, my parents and sometimes - like now - an empty house filled with shitloads of housechores to do. Speaking of which, I'll have to get up early tomorrow to let the dogs out and make sure they poop, throw the rubbish and if I have time, do some mopping and watering of the plants. Then it's off to work. Shyet. I've been working three Saturdays in a row and come next Saturday, it'll be a month in a row. It's annoying. I feel like not showing up at all. ~_~ Then again, I'm required to be in to help with an exam. AND I really need to work on my lectures which are long overdue (I need one of them on Monday and I haven't even started on the readings). SHYET. SHYET. SHYETTTTTTTTTTTTTTttttttttttttttttttttttt. ...y'know what? I feel sick. ~_~

School's in!

2005-02-22T08:19:00.000+08:00

And I'm part of it. Four lectures - all not related to each other. Media Industries Introduction to Digital Media Creativity, Cultural Studies and Change Media in Asia And I'm having a field day just from listening to the iLectures, reading the stuff, sourcing for materials and doing all the other stuff which lecturers do and perhaps even more. Plus all the other stuff Programme Leaders do. It's gonna be a helluva week for me...so bear with the slowdown in my blog. T_T

Feeling under the weather...

2005-02-19T19:48:00.000+08:00

...and it is strange considering I treated myself to a couple of DVDs (old titles, of course - excluding Bridget Jones II which somehow made me cry and miss Nil more than I should), sign up for gym membership AND showed up, watched my diet and laundry. Typical Saturday I would say - even though I was doing some mindless counselling at work (will do so again tomorrow but that's another story). I finally got it into my head and pocket to sign up for gym membership to get my lazy bottom off my chair and into some serious exercise mode. Not to mention the fact that the no-exercise had been killing me physically - getting lethargic and bored is not my favourite past-time no matter what other people think. Nil even volunteered to pay for the gym fees, to which I politely declined - even though it was tempting. I didn't want him to think that I was after him for money ONLY. So yes, I signed up for gym yesterday - this nifty little place in Damansara Uptown and while there were some issues - small ones - with parking, everything else fell into place. I went this this afternoon right after work and had a ball of a time with the treadmill, indoor rower, bicycle and weights. Feels like I was in Australia all over again. Kinda bring memories of me taking a two-minute walk to uni gym and going crazily sweaty for two hours; me watching my diet (which went hand-in-hand with gym work) and making those delicious pastas and pita wraps; me losing the weight...for the first time in gawd knows how many years, my waist was a gorgeous 26-inch and I was a size 8. Lets not talk about now though. So I'm planning that with hard work and some motivation - which I KNOW I have - I'll be back to what I was when I first went to Australia - healthy, fit and lean. So, sort of to celebrate - always make it a point to celebrate milestones when it comes to exercising coz it makes one happy - I went out and bought some DVDs...had to get Animatrix for work but they didn't have any in stock. So I settled for older movies and there it was, sitting on the shelf just waiting for me to pluck it and get a copy. Nil had been hankering to watch it ever since we caught Meet The Fockers in Singapore earlier last month and so I took it. Meet The Parents. The only new title in the five (and one free one) was Bridget Jones Diary: Edge of Reason. Now I had read the book already and was hoping that it would be a fun watch. Turned out to be that and more - it made me miss Nil more than ever. For those of you who haven't been following my blog closely - not that I blog about it anyway - Nil comes up to visit during the weekends...except in February. His dad came down from France and thus the last time I got to spend more than just a few hours ALONE was the last week of January. Since then it was either spending time with him AND his dad or just a few hours like the 13th, when he dropped by KL on his way back from Indonesia. He's in Thailand now...and I won't be seeing him until the first week of March. I miss cuddling him. I miss holding his hand. I miss his kisses. I miss his hugs. I miss talking to him. I miss the smell of him. I look at his shirts and I just want to burst out crying - suddenly I hate doing my laundry (not that I loved it to begin with but never mind that...)...and I just miss all of him, y'know? *sighs* I miss him terribly. And it's all Bridget's fault. ~_~

Forbidden fruit of knowledge and unbearable burden of choice...

2005-02-16T23:01:00.000+08:00

I stumbled across this thread while surfing the Net and participated in it quite heatly, I might add. Of course, it was interesting because the ex is also one of the participants in this thread - no guesses for who he could be. Anyway, have a read on the opening of the thread and do discuss amongst yourselves, if not on my blog...

This is something to think about........ In the novel "Paradise Lost".... Milton wrote that the greatest burden that God imposed on man (ie. Adam and Eve), was the burden of choice, and the greatest curse that man brought onto himself, was the curse of knowledge. Knowing and having to choose.... These two, conspire together to make life miserable for man. Eg. The knowledge that things are not as best as can be, or that others are doing better.... having to choose a course of action and knowing later that that course chosen, may not have been the best one..... Is this not the source of want, dispare, dissatisfaction, envy, jealousy... subsequently leading to resentment, anger, hate, revenge, etc ? A rabbit kept in a cage is not unhappy. You feed it and it will be as happy as any other rabbit. That's because it knows nothing, and does not have to choose. It does not even know it has no choice. Sometimes, it makes me wonder..... maybe we should know less,..... and have fewer choices....... There is some truth in the phrases "The forbidden fruit of knowledge", and "The unbearable burden of choice"

My take on this is: 1) This has nothing to do with religion whatsoever. I do know of many philosophers who have debated on this topic for centuries and they were hardly religious. The ones who were came up with very interesting answers. 2) While knowledge has made us the superior species on the planet, it has in many ways lead us to our own downfall and slow destruction. Einstein was even once quote saying that if he knew that his famous discovery (E=mc2) was to be used in nuclear weaponary, he would have settled for becoming a watchmaker. In a way, the author of the post is right by saying that sometimes knowledge isn't all that we make it out to be. That sometimes knowing too much isn't all that great. Think about it for a second. There are some of us out there - and perhaps ALL of us in one point in time - regretted for a split second ever knowing things that we wished we hadn't known. The husband/boyfriend who cheated on you behind your back, the real reason behind how you got that job, etc. THAT is what I mean by "forbidden fruit of knowledge" - sometimes awareness itself can be too much for some to handle. Hence incidents of suicide and even madness... It can even be said that all forms of awareness are knowledge - being aware of new things - like how Einstein became aware of his wrong choice... 3) While choice is the fundamental characteristic of human life, some choices are not really choices at all. The word choice itself is based on options available, thus limiting the real meaning of 'choice' - for some, these options may be unnecessary and thus, 'optional'. But for others, all the choices available on their plate affects them in a big manner one way or the other - no matter how they choose. Thus is to say, choice becomes unbearable. Yes, men can be strong but we cannot deny who we are inherently in our path to becoming more than what we are. I never implied or suggested that we humans should shy from choosing itself. I merely highlighted what the truth is in "unbearable burden of choice". Do not forget that part of who you are comes from your heritage, your past, your awareness of the history and background of yourself as an individual and part of a society. It is sad but the real truth is such. 4) Thus, awareness comes in. If one is not aware of such weaknesses, one cannot move on. When one becomes aware of it, one decides - gladly if not painfully. Then such choice will indefinitely bring about new opportunities leading to more awareness. It is a constant cycle. Humans have one edge over animals and that is our awareness. It is what makes us human. With that knowledge, comes the choice. They run hand in hand. Now having said that, humanity is made up of pros and cons. It is the negative that often brings about the positive in life - as how Aquinas related good to evil, light to dark. 5) It is impossible for mankind to be just ONE and not both. Man will always be weak AND strong when it comes to living and deciding. Those who choose to be strong are aware of themselves and their choices. Those who choose to remain as they are lack such awareness and thus are ignorant of themselves. If we are merely strong, how will we know what is weak? Aren't we then ignorant and lack knowledge itself? I'll see if it's possible for me to update this as the thread on the other side develops further - no doubt, I might be looking to getting misunderstood and shelled for my opinions, but it's okay. We're all learning. ^_~

Satisfaction.

2005-02-14T22:05:00.000+08:00

I am going to turn twenty-six this year. Another year looming ahead...and the strangest thing is this: I am very very truly satisfied with my life. I don't know if it's just me - I don't think it is though - to be at this age and utterly content with what I have, who I have become and of the things that I have obtained in this life. I look at other people around me, some struggling, some still wishing, others still busy trying to reach where I am...and I wonder to myself. Am I normal? Lets examine the evidence... I am in good health - even though I'm prone to a mild form of annoying migraines and the ocassional period cramps. I have been so since my corrective heart surgery and the last time I came down with anything other than a migraine like a flu was nearly two years ago. I have wonderful friends and family - who are constantly supportive and behind me all the way. My friends are busy but it's nice to know that whenever the phone rings and it's them, it just feels like yesterday...when our days were less filled with worries or cares of the working world...when we had each other, sipping coffee and sharing talks of studies, and ourselves. I have a good job, which I'm totally in love with. While it keeps me busy and fed (even though it isn't as well as we all hoped it would be - still life isn't perfect), it is what I have been born to do. I once thought that the perfect job would be one that you would love to do...but after working as a lecturer for nearly 1.5 years now, I realized that it is a job that one is born into - a job that requires the right attitude, skill and character. Not many people understand it as such... And with the promotion now, I find that my career is slowly stabilizing itself. I'm climbing up the ladder and confidently such as well. Was told recently that Murdoch University recognizes me as an excellant partner and even made great recommendations for me to teach...how can my job not be great? And even after the job opportunity I undertook in Singapore...

My partner is a great man with a good and gentle soul. He makes me laugh...he makes me happy...and he loves me. It is sometimes hard to believe that after years of being in terrible relationships, it took a less than eager me to find a good man. The thought of it makes me cry sometimes - cry with fear of the knowledge that all could be like it was before - dark, painful and cold - yet when I'm his arms, it feels as if nothing can hurt me ever again...and even if it did, there was a silver lining to it. Yes, through him, I learnt to hope again. So what is there left for someone like myself?

A bungalow? A nice posh car? Jewellery? Oddly enough, I never wanted all those things to begin with...for life is more than just an empty house, a fancy car or cold pieces of glittering stones - no matter how beautiful they are. The bare essentials are already complete for me. What more could I ask for? If I were to rub a magic lamp, to have a genie pop in front of me and asked me what I wanted more, I would be stumped. Lost for words.

Because frankly, life is sweet for me right now. All I have is all that I have ever wanted and I live each day, feeling more grateful and blessed than before. So tell me: am I weird? ps: HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

Chinese New Year goodies!

2005-02-11T19:49:00.000+08:00

Apart from being laden with angpaus this year...I decided to give myself a good treat - just to make up for my initial lack of enthusiasm in the beginning of CNY. So off I went to IKEA...and also to my cousin's phone shop - actually, I just gave him in a call... In the end, I ended up with new quilt covers and pillowcases, a rather nice compact mobile phone, a little thingy to hold up notices on my table at work, and a scented candle.

My angpau money this year will be going to a new bank account, one made specially for just deposting money and not withdrawing - am planning to go into the full swing of saving some hard-core cash. My old phone will be sold off to Nil for SG150 (the price includes the phone, headset, manual, a couple of smooches and cookies!).

Earlier this year, I had ventured into a few places to get some cheap clothes - including underwear - and thus spent a good portion of the afternoon, busying myself with laundry, my new sheets and of course the garden. Mum has decided to put me in charge of her nice fat plants. *kekeke* Anyway, I thought I'd just share this with you guys. ^_~

The year of the Rooster is upon us...

2005-02-08T22:44:00.000+08:00

...And may it bring you good luck, fortune, health, prosperity and success in all that you do...

GONG XI FA CHAI!!!!

Another one of those strange posts...

2005-02-07T23:40:00.000+08:00

It was one of those spur of the moment things - y'know...driven by that insane, yet quiet voice which goes "Buy MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! He'll like MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!". ~_~ So I succumbed to it, almost willingly I might add...beaming away as I made my purchase, smiling to myself as I wrapped it...and finally, my heart busy fluttering away as I found the perfect card - remnants of another one of those spur of the moment buys when I was in Australia. Incidently, they make great cards there. :p So much for not buying anything for him. Although it was a spur-of-the-moment thing, I decided to make it a V-Day gift - even though me and him aren't into it. Nil has no idea that I've gotten him something. Couple that with the fact that he's in Indonesia - somewhere in the mountains of Surabaya with his father. He assumes that the beaded bracelet and brownies I gave him when I went down to Singapore for my second interview were his V-Day gifts earlier. I didn't want to make him feel all weird by saying that it was just a spur of the moment thing...so I lied and said it was for V-Day. I'm weird. I like surprising my partner with stuff but am afraid that my partner will feel all weirded out when I do things like that. Hm. Honestly, V-Day is just one of those things I never could understand or appreciate. I don't eat chocolates and while I adore fragrant Lincoln roses (which are very hard to find here), I just can't somehow bring myself to get Nil to buy me something that will die within days. Sure, I like to tease him about what he intends to surprise me with...but it ends there. I somehow can never put out my hand and go "Where is my present?" in all that serious tone/manner. V-Day, for me, is just another day.

Every day is and SHOULD be a Valentine's Day. Yet...I don't even know why I'm excited about this. Maybe it's because I get excited whenever I get my partner something I know he'll appreciate or like... Is it weird or just me? Sometimes I think I'm a cheapo person when it comes to gifts - even surprise ones. I can't stand getting frivolous items like soft toys, neither can I stand getting extremely expensive gifts which I know will just go unused because of its worth...yet I want something unique, special and different. Pens, perfumes, watches, flowers, shirts...so typical...so...generic...unless of course the person in question needs a good set of boxers or something - or if those boxers look really cute! ^_~ Hence when I saw Nil's gift, I instantly knew I had to get it for him. Never mind the fact that V-Day is just around the corner...I just wanted him to have it...even on a normal day. Anyway, I have yet to figure out what to write on the card and I so botched up the inside as well with my out-of-practice handwriting and sudden stump for words. Gack. Was thinking of a nice spot of poetry but I'm having difficulty looking for the right words, the right tone, the right everything...probably figured it out tomorrow... Trust the romantic in me to make life utterly difficult for myself. ps: Gah. Xanga.com is now finally working. Great...when I'm sleepy. Never mind. I'll put up a separate post on this later. Will kick you guys the link when I'm done! ^_^

Do you know...

2005-02-05T21:58:00.000+08:00

Recently (when I embarassingly lost my passport - read about it here), I created another blog entitled "Letters From The Heart" and it is dedicated to the man I am in love with now. I don't know if people have dropped by to read it, but what matters is that on a regular basis, Nil reads it and gets little reminders about how he has changed my life...and that I love him very much. Since Valentine's Day is starting to loom nearer...I decided to share a little something with you regular folks here...

Cheri... Do you know that I miss you? It has not even been a full day since the minute we parted at the bus station...as I watched your blue-covered form smiling back at me, waving, and then walking away...it seemed like forever in those few minutes... Suddenly being away from you suddenly heightens all my senses...or at least three of them. My sense of touch...while folding your clothes, as I run my fingers over your boxers, your shirts, I remember how they felt rubbing against my skin, the warmth beneath them, the feel of you, the knowledge that my man feels comfortable wearing the things he like... My sense of sight...seeing the bright patterns and colours brings gentle memories of you just being in them. Your soft smile, the glow on your face and the sparkle in your eyes. Suddenly it is as if you are before me again, holding my hand, caressing me with your gaze... My sense of smell...just of you...the smell of you filling my nostrils as I keep your clothes away in that little box. The pillows that bear your scent, the sheets...they all beckon and make me just want to wrap all of myself in them, just as how I remember you wrapping your arms around me a few mornings ago. I love the way you wrap your arms around me, the way you smell every morning - a little hint of soap and just you...all of you... I know I'm not suppose to cry...but honestly, I can't really help myself. I worry for you yet I want you to enjoy yourself. I know the future is unpredictable yet I wish for your safe return into my arms. You know something? I nearly went frantic when I couldn't find the French for Dummies book you gave me when we first met. And when I found it, I remember clutching it close to me and sighing with relief. I started tearing as I wrote this...I remember hoping and wishing for your phone call only to be reminded that you lost your phone. No matter, I tell myself, I'll get you a nifty one and make sure you don't lose it again in my own little way. And then I wonder...just to distract myself from the pangs of missing you... Valentine's is coming up soon and frankly, while every day should be a Valentine's Day...I still want to give you something special. So, what should I get you for Valentine's Day? Should I give the phone to you as a gift? Or should I disregard that because I already passed you your gift - a beaded bracelet to make up for the ever-loose one that I gave you in the beginning of our relationship? Or should I get you one of those cards? Then I remember... I'll probably settle for the best hug, best kiss, best cuddle, best petit dejeuner (sp?), best date, best dinner...whichever were to come first. There is more, though. Your gift - this Valentine's Day, cheri - is more than all those things...is perhaps the best I could ever come up with that money can never ever buy. This Valentine's Day, I give you my heart...my love...all of me. Je t'aime, cheri. ps: Please come home soon...

I think I've said enough for tonight...

Is it okay?

2005-02-03T09:52:00.000+08:00

It is certified. I have already become a Sex And The City fan, if not a bit too late. Yesterday, I spent a good amount of three hours, watching nearly six episodes back to back. Nil had downloaded the first four seasons of SATC and passed over Season 2-4 to me during his earlier visits. Adultery was the theme of my viewing last night and it spanned across nearly four episodes, beginning with how Carrie started cheating with Mr Big on his wife and Aidan, Carrie's perfect boyfriend. No one knew about it, except for Miranda - and that was just the morning of the big ka-boom. The big ka-boom being Charlotte, bride-to-be, bumping into Carrie and Big as they were leaving a hotel. It doesn't take much to figure out what was going on. But here was their following conversation (extracted from this funky website):

CARRIE We've always had this "thing" together. And when that thing shows up it's -- everything else goes out the window. You know? CHARLOTTE No, I don't know. He's married. That makes you the "other woman." Carrie, you're the other woman. CARRIE Charlotte, come on, I feel bad enough. CHARLOTTE Good. you should feel bad. Do you ever think about how she'd feel if she found out? CARRIE I think about it all the time. CHARLOTTE No, you don't. You think about what would happen to you if she found out. You don't think about her. She's just a joke to you... "The idiot wife." You don't know anything about her. She's a real person with real feelings. CARRIE Okay, in a minute, I'm going to suffocate myself in this bubble wrap. CHARLOTTE This isn't a joke, Carrie. They made vows. Vows he broke. I'm getting married in three weeks... How would you feel if someone did this to me? CARRIE I would kill them. CHARLOTTE How could you do this? I mean, you're my Maid of Honor. CARRIE I'm getting out of it. I am.(beat)Can I please help you pack?

On another side of the Internet universe (geez, I'm beginning to sound like Carrie as she ruminates on her column), I have been busy in a heated discussion about affairs with a good amount of anti-affair and pro-affair proponents. Incidently, my ex and his girl best friend (yes, that one - lets call her 'J' for future purposes in this blog...for a brief history on J...well...maybe I'll write about that another day) are bordering to the pro-affair proponents with the excuse that "love is all that matters in a relationship" and "if two people are happy, who is to say it is wrong?". "If two people are happy, who is to say it is wrong?" But an affair is never about two people ALONE unlike a monogamous relationship. An affair involves three people, sometimes even more - when the couple involved has children. For us to think that an affair is about two people alone is so wrong...so very wrong. Or is it simply okay? Why do women have affairs? Why do they seek happiness with married men? Men who took vows to be with another woman - their wives - for the rest of their lives. If the same were to happen to our brothers, sisters, best friends, daughters...would our 'okays' with regards to affairs still be the same? People who are close to me would know this: I do not condone cheating. I abhor adultery and the very idea of going against the sanctity of marriage. Honour is an important thing to me and honour includes how I undertake promises and vows. I take them very seriously...especially with regards to marriage because like it or not, marriage is about the union of two people (not just me) and ultimately, two families. The very idea of breaking them just means dishonour to me. It is also because I have seen enough in my family, in my life to ever say that it is okay if the cheater and the third party are happy, that it's okay to break marriage vows... It is more than just that. I watched how an affair torn my uncle's family apart, how his little children suffer and grew to hate him and bear bitterness towards their own father. I saw how an affair turned a respectable man into one who in death still had to witness the possibility of a feud between his wife and mistress at his funeral, how my cousins - after twenty odd years - still displayed hatred towards his mistress... "Love is all that matters in a relationship..." Well, if we truly loved that person, why and how could we care to submit them to such things? I wonder how could my dead uncle - assuming that he loved her and cared for her - bear to see his own children have nothing but contempt for his mistress? Watch as the public scorned her for being the other woman...the marriage-breaker...the husband stealer. Is this what we want to give our loved ones? Happiness or no happiness, I just can't stand it. I have been on both sides of the coin - I have been the other women twice (once by choice and the other by accident - the reason behind me moving to a new blog, the non-existent wife found my old blog and destroyed it and gave me hell...I promised her as a sign of good faith never to contact her hubby again - to which we both agreed that the bastard lied to us - I still talk to her once in a blue moon) and in both, I got out as fast as I could; I laid the ultimatum to myself - honour or love. In the end, I chose to drop the relationship(s), simply because while I bored them some affection, it was not enough. It would never be enough. Love was not enough to sooth the guilt I bore to the other person in the picture, the one whom I never see - the wife or the girlfriend. Love was not enough to salvage dishonour on my part. Love was not enough to right broken promises. Love is simply never enough in a relationship, even though it is important and what we seek most of the time. I am a woman who in the near future would like to get married to a good man. I seek loyalty, faithfulness, devotion and affection from my future partner. Even though I am a Christian, I believe in the law of karma. What goes around comes around. I keep asking myself... What if it were to happen to me when I get married? What if I were to discover today that my father has been cheating on my mother all this while? What if it were to happen to my best friend? Having said that, my dislike for affairs doesn't mean other people out there have to think like me. Should my best friend one day decides to go out with a married man or a man in a serious permenant relationship (unlike her though), I'd still be supportive - after giving her a piece of my mind though...the way Charlotte did to Carrie. Her words still ring in my head... How would you feel if someone did this to me?

Now everyone can fly... - Part II

2005-02-01T23:18:00.000+08:00

FINALLY! A reply came in (and late too - my email was sent on the 11th of Jan)...but for those of you who hoped that this would be from the big man himself, nah...it wasn't. It came from a Cynthia Anniah and here is what she has to say:

Dear Mabel Teoh.. Greetings from AirAsia and we apologise for the delay in response.First and foremost, thank you very much Mabel, for taking the time to convey your feedback. We would like to take this oppurtunity to apologise for the unpleasant experiences you had with us for the 3 flights that you have higlighted in your mail with regards to the long delays encountered and the management of the such delays.. Just like to share the following with you.. Delays are sometimes inevitable as planes do get sick occasionally and whilst other airlines would most probably still proceed to fly with small defects we hold true to our high safety standard for the benefits of our guests. We will ground the plane and ensure that even the slightest defects are rectified before releasing the planes off the ground. The affected flight will be rescheduled taking into consideration the time needed for repair or a switch to the next available aircraft. As a relatively new start up which solely depends on our own resources, we do not have the luxury as yet as other low fare carriers of the benefit of spares aircraft lying on ground nor do we have the luxury of full financial backings from Governments or sister airlines with whom we could transfer passengers to eg. Nok Air-Thai Airways or Tiger Airways-SIA/Silk Air. However please rest assured that this is being addressed as we are anticipating delivery of another 6 aircraft in the next two months which will increase our capacity to meet such inevitable. The delivery of our newly acquired Airbus A320 will also help to provide the capacity to meet any eventuality. There have been many reports to discredit AirAsia but our main priority is to ensure that we take each criticism constructively and continue to work on improving our service and quality; maintain our low costs structure without compromising on our guests' safety to enable us to offer more low fares and more opportunities for Malaysians to fly. For your information a big part of our guests are first time flyers who had never flown before. We also very concern with other issues raised in your email such as poor announcements and control of boarding. We have taken these matter seriously and have brought it forward to our the head of Ground Services Department, Cabin Crew Department and also Training Department so that they may review how we can improve on these shortfalls. Last but not least, thank you for sharing your feedback as it will certainly assist us in our continous learning process.. With our newly listing on the KLSE, the availability of more resources,support of the people and feedback from guests who care to share their experiances - we can only get better.. With sincere apology, Cynthia for AirAsia Team AIRASIA BERHAD Lot N1, Level 4 Main Terminal Building KL International Airport 64000 SEPANG Selangor Darul Ehsan Malaysia

I won't comment on it for now - since I have had an extremely long day settling the BA timetables and what-not. So I'll leave it for your rumination. Hm. Maybe I'll even come back for a quick note/jotting on this matter. Bonne nuit, folks! ps: For context, please read this.

He never fails to amaze me.

2005-01-31T11:02:00.000+08:00

My boyfriend, that is. We always cuddle whenever he arrives after a five-hour (sometimes longer) bus trip from Singapore. We share a few kisses, talk a little bit about work, share a few more kisses, talk about our day...and well, we mostly kiss and cuddle. ^_~ Nothing like cuddling with a loved one just before you go to sleep. Anyways, he informed me that he has just found out that morning that his contract would be renewed again for another six months and thus will be in Singapore for another 1.5 years. Now, one thing must be understood - we have often put off discussing about the future because of the 'age' of our relationship - young and still growing (not that it isn't anymore). And Nil has always been the type who goes "we'll tackle it when he comes". So the fact that here he was beside me, ruminating hard on alternatives was enough to send me into shock for a few minutes. Our issue is this: I don't really know much French and I would like to work (so would he - want me to work that is). And in France, without French, you're pretty much a goner. Learning French is already in the books for me...but it won't make things easier for me. Nil was worried that it might prove to be more than difficult for me to get a job in France and thus was thinking of how to go about things. Should we migrate to another country? No Singapore and M'sia for him and neither for me - forever that is. We had earlier in our relationship settled for Canada - Montreal/Quebec - to be exact - because of its French influence. On my part, I settled for learning to speak French with Alliance France (be it M'sia or Singapore). On his part, it would be the possibility of leaving for another country until I'm more proficient in his mother tongue...and marriage. Yes. Marriage. If you were to tease Nil as I sometimes would about getting married, he would go "No...too soon." But this weekend, part of him - I suspected - saw marriage as a very viable option. His facial expression wasn't one tainted with that teasing smile or sparkling eyes but more serious, mellowed and much consideration painted onto it. I saw it in his eyes before he drowned me out with kisses...loving, passionate ones. Nevertheless, he took humour in my frustrations of deciding what to do...he took opportunities to cuddle up and be more affectionate than usually. And I couldn't help but feel more loved than ever. I couldn't help but feel that perhaps this could be The One for me. I couldn't help but feel amazed.

Second round...

2005-01-28T10:09:00.000+08:00

...Singapore here I come. Yes, they want me to go down on Feb 4. I'll try to see (tomorrow) if there are bus tickets going down on Feb 3 night (even though it's bro's birthday) and come back up on Feb 4 night. Hopefully it'll be peachy but I'm kinda sceptical considering the date is EXTREMELY close to Chinese New Year. Hoping their side will be good enough to understand that I can only leave at the end of May/early June because of my contract. Breaking it is unethical and totally not me. So we'll see. If they are interested, they'll be willing to wait. If not, I still have my job AND promotion here. ^__________________^

What about the future?

2005-01-26T11:34:00.000+08:00

Mumsgather mentioned something in relation to my previous post about how making kueh kapit was slowly becoming a dying art. My mum firmly believed in learning the ways of her mum - ways of going around the kitchen - hence she picked up a few 'old' recipes from her mother and my grandmother. Kueh kapit (aka loveletters), ham yoke chong, pineapple tarts, masak titik (a hot spicy soup made with onions, peppercorns and prawns plus kangkung) and a few other old-school dishes. Mum loves cooking as well. So she indulges in Amy Beh recipes, Nyonya kuihs and even some local delicacies like muruku, nga ku and rendang/curry.

As a teen back then, it was my duty to assist her in the kitchen. These duties became a daily affair and in some cases, a yearly one. People seem to talk a lot about making kueh kapit, especially when Chinese New Year comes around. A good tasting tin full of these crispy, easily breakable fragrant 'biscuits' would cost one approximately anywhere between RM17-RM24 - depending on the quality. These days I find the ones on sale are either too hard (too much rice flour), not fragrant enough (too little eggs) and too thick (too many layers poured onto the batter and not enough coconut milk). So why kueh kapit more than others? Because it is extremely time-consuming. Making the batter is easy. It is the actual production of the stuff that is hard. When I initially started - me and mum practice what we call apprentice-ship when it comes to making less common dishes like kueh kapit and ham yoke chong - I was the one folding this hot little things. Pre-production apprentice-ship would see me doing all the manual labour such as throwing the egg shells, beating the mixture, carrying the pots up to pour the batter into the shieve...stuff like that. But the folding was the one that hurts the most...at least it was then. I learnt from experience to move quickly, to fold darker sides inside, to hide blemishes, to grow long nails to help with the folding AND how to endure sitting for long hours on the floor (cushions always help!).

Seven years after I started, I went up in front of the fire. Started off with four moulds and gradually went on to do seven with Mum handling a good nine of them. And it is a backbreaking process, not to mention injury prone and sickness prone. Amply supply of herbal tea is a must and care must be taken because it's not nice getting burnt/branded with one of those kiips (the name of the moulds in Cantonese). I have a tiny sliver on my knee to show for it this year. First time too. ~_~ Also growing nails is a must if you want to avoid burning your fingertips trying to peel those darn things off the kiip. Now just some stats about kueh kapit and why no one wants to do it these days... A kati of kueh kapit batter takes about four to six hours to finish, depending on how many moulds a person is using. Yes. It's often done SITTING. All cans have to be lined with paper and the box where we do all the folding has to be lined with paper as well - all done the night before. Charcoal must be brought with ample supply at hand - you don't want to run out of it halfway. The fire must not be too hot and the 'cookies' will come out really dark and burnt. Horrible tasting too. If the fire is too gentle, it'll take you forever to finish. The kiips can be purchased at your ever-friendly night market. I even learnt how to choose them. Patterns must be carved in deep or else your kueh kapits up looking really flat. One must know to care for them too. No washing with soap. Only water and plenty of oil rubbed into it to avoid rusting. This year is Mum's last year. She's going to 'retire' from doing this and if I want to eat any next year, it'll be me and I have to find someone to help me. NG and my parents were involved this year. My brother and sis-in-law stayed away. Brother coz he was busy and my sis-in-law? She just isn't interested in this kind of thing. I asked Mum once...many years ago... "Who else makes this in our family?" Her answer disappointed me...it worried me. "Only us, I think. The rest know but don't want to do it coz it's just too much time. On your level, your cousins don't know. Don't want to learn. So how to make?"

To think...this will die with me should my children become disinterested. What then will they have to show for who they are - Malaysian Chinese? Bear in mind, kueh kapit is unique to the Chinese in this region. I don't think Mainland Chinese or HK Chinese make this during Chinese New Year. It makes us who we are...and yet those of us who have the knowledge grow more and more disappointed at our own people. Why? Because no one wants the knowledge. No one wants to learn. The art is dying and worse, whatever that is left of it is becoming more commercialized. So much so that no one really remembers what REAL kueh kapit tastes like. Hell, some people don't even know what it is until I mention the word 'loveletters'. It is during these times that I wish we were back in our little villages...womenfolk gossiping and building relationships over a hot fire, cooking kiips and folding these little cookies made from a simple batter of coconut milk, rice flour, flour, eggs and sugar. ps: Bigger and more pictures are available here.

It's been far too long...

2005-01-24T14:13:00.000+08:00

...Since I last blogged about anything. Gack. A few things have happened - some good, some not-so-good, but I doubt those really matter at the end of the day. Anyway, here are the updates that really matter... Work Upon returning from Singapore, I was promptly sat down and thrown with an offer to become Program Leader for my department. My job would be to assist the Head of Department with administrative tasks (timetables, exams, student results, etc - stuff that I have been doing anyway - as well as staff issues) as well as to continue on teaching. I was more than happy to take up the job for the moment, since I have yet to hear from the Singapore side on my interview. At first I was a bit skeptical about confirming it, hence my unwillingness to even share it online. It has been nearly two weeks now and with no sign of even a squeak from Singapore, I decided it was best to tell myself that I'm promoted. Once all the paperwork is done, I'm looking at being Program Leader beginning end of January with a pay adjustment, an allowance and less teaching hours - as promised by my dean this morning. How much of an adjustment or allowance, I will have no idea. In a way, this step-up is good for me as 1) I don't want to teach all my life and 2) I have yet to decide if I really want to do my PhD or not. Chinese New Year Spent the past weekend gearing up towards Chinese New Year and that means making CNY goodies like kueh kapit, nga ku, and an assortment of cookies. NG was lovely enough to sacrifice a three-day weekend, which he would normally use to go somewhere, to assist me with making kueh kapit - all 1.2 kg of it. Took us about six hours in total and as a treat (as well as to celebrate my promotion), I took him for a meal of sushi and a movie. We watched Elektra on Saturday afternoon after making kueh kapit and paying off my plastic bill; it wasn't exactly great neither was it really bad. But the cold air was a definite welcome. The nights have been superbly hot...and frankly I would have killed for a bout of winter to come crashing by. Gosh, whatever happened to those rainy days aye? Shopping In the event of me receiving my bonus (or shall I be frank and say that I will get it end of this month?), I went all out and bought books from acmabooks.com - must say one thing though; they have greatttttt customer service. Got a 23% discount because I used my Maybank account to pay for them - it was either that or use my plastic but I figured that a direct debit would be better. Awaiting my mangas - am glad I didn't wait to get to Kino because when I finally did on Saturday, they didn't have the mangas I wanted - to be delivered to the office. AND I bought two pairs of shoes for work - one brown suede muley-looking thing and the other a beige strappy low heeled pair. Didn't have long to browse around because NG was with me and he absolutely hates shopping. Talk about making speedy decisions. -.- All in all, a good few days, I suppose. Will try to put up pictures of my kueh kapit making days. If not, I hope to have more time to pen in a few entries before the weekend comes again. ^____^

EMERGENCY: Need help!!!!

2005-01-19T13:43:00.000+08:00

HELP! HELP! HELP!!!!!!!! I've been asked to write an editorial piece for Doctorjob on careers in TV broadcasting (am adding a little twist to it) - and while I majored in it during my days in university and still keep in touch with the industry, I wanted some 'real' perspectives from people who work in the field. It's part of the research that I'm doing for the paper. So if you have a job in TV broadcasting - cameraman, producer, sound guy, director, scriptwriter, reporter, etc OR know someone, please help me out! NOTE: I am desperate. Need this by Thursday. First draft has to be out by Friday.

Your position (ie scriptwriter, producer, writer...etc)
What are usually the best bits of the job? The worst/challenging bits?
What are career prospects like for the said position in M'sia, Asia and other parts of the world?
Do you actually see a demand for this position in the future?
How much can you earn as 1) a fresh graduate and 2) with a few years experience?
What are the different positions awaiting you should you be considered for promotion?
If you were an employer in TV broadcasting, what sort of person are you looking for when you are hiring someone?
Other comments about this career line?

Please email me at meiteoh[at]gmail.com with your answers...and if you have anything else to add to this. The finished piece will be placed up on this blog! Many thanks in advance!

The ultimate worst of the worst...

2005-01-18T18:42:00.000+08:00

When you lose your passport... ...everything becomes a blur. You hyperventilate. You forget about whatever money you had. You forget about everything else that was with your passport. Your identity. Who you are. Gone. And you find yourself lost...a person with no identity surrounded by people who are secure in the knowledge that they belong politically to their land. What do you do? Where do you go? Who do you see? First things first...DO. NOT. PANIC. It will get you nowhere. Also, having a friend/partner/boyfriend/girlfriend around helps the situation a little - at a stressing time like this, you need someone you can count on for moral support. Someone who knew that you belonged politically to a land. Someone whom you can trust. Someone who can lend a helping hand. Trace your steps from the time of the discovery of the loss to the actual time. If it happened in a restaurent, shopping centre or somewhere with a security or management, inform them. Make a report. Give them your friend's number to contact just in case some kind soul finds your passport. After that, immediately go to the nearest police station and make a police report. Write down everything you know. Even if it is the tiniest detail. All of that matters, especially while it is still fresh. Panicking sometimes erases important bits - like your passport number, time you lost it and the events leading up to the actual loss. Don't forget to get the police to give you a photocopy of the report, just for emergency purposes. Note: Keep a scanned copy of your passport and MyKad online. It *will* come in handy when you lose your passport because Immigration Department of the country in which you are in and your embassy will require some form of photographic proof that you are a citizen of a country. Also don't put your money, photocopies and credit cards or ATMs together with your passport (and vice-versa) because if you lose one, you lose everything else, which means more work. Some police stations in certain countries will issue the report in a sealed envelope to be taken to the Immigration Department. Others will hand it over just like that. Whatever it is, follow their instructions - they know better. After you are done, call up your embassy. For Malaysians, if there is no Malaysian embassy or High Commission, go to the British embassy or High Commission for assistance. Under Commonwealth, they are to help us - btw, it is written in the back page of your M'sian passport. You'll probably have to fill in a couple of forms and get an emergency certificate (EC) (it's like a passport but only good for one week). After that, go to the Immigration Department to get a special pass and get your EC certified. Be prepared to spend at least ONE day doing all this. Email people - work or family - to inform them that you will be back later. Make copies of everything - for work (if you are applying emergency leave) and to apply a new passport. BUT having said all that, prevention is better than cure. Don't carry your passport everywhere. Be alert. Be smart. This is regarding your identity. Your national safekeeping in a foriegn land. Without it, you are nobody. ps: Some kind soul returned my passport to the police who in returned dropped it off at the High Commission of Malaysia in Singapore. They contacted me and thus, returned it to me safe sound. I left everything else at home - credit cards, MyKad - and thus was only concerned about my passport. I didn't lose much money except for the $22 for the emergency certificate but this was an invaluable experience and lesson. I hope it will be for you. pps: Unbelieveable. Me. Lose a passport. Then again, anything is possible. ppps: Btw, the interview went GREAT. Spoke to her for nearly an hour and came away hoping and dying for them to call me back there again, even though there is this little matter about notification of resignation. We'll see how it goes. *keeps her fingers crossed*

Wind-down?

2005-01-12T22:00:00.000+08:00

It's strange. Barely into the new year and I'm running out of things to say, things to announce, things to share with the readers of this blog, this literary abode of mine.

Is something amiss? All my thoughts, my emotions and the words running through my mind - I just cannot seem to put them onto this place. I'm staring at the screen and wondering what is the real point in bearing out my heart and soul where it doesn't really seem to matter, when sometimes what I say here gets me in hot soup more than in reality and when it just seems insignificant to me. Am I coming to a point where I am beginning to be more selective in who I want to vent to? ...or am I just bottling things up? Someone once told me that when a blogger rarely blog, in a way, it is good news. The person is busy living life - perhaps happily - since he deduced that blogs seemed to flourish when a person is unhappy with something, himself or someone else or something...as long as it was a complaint, an observation, a grouse. Is it true? Honestly, I can't seem to think of any other reason as to why I can't blog about the job interview in-depth or certain stuff I've facing with NG or even certain observations and revelations apart from "I don't know what to say?". I need time to think. Maybe it's the stress from the preparation of lectures, or the impending possibility of having to resign middle of the semester, or the fact that five top-level management staff have quit their posts...

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. *goes to tear hair out* ps: Have left small thumbnail sized pictures of various spots during Thai vacation for reader's pleasure. Enjoy pictures from entire trip here. WARNING: There are 160 of them in the album.

Now everyone can fly...

2005-01-11T13:41:00.000+08:00

...except for the punctual. Perhaps this, sir, is the motto which you could consider for your airline instead of the current one which you are now using. Below is the letter that I hope to send off to the director of Air Asia, IF, I can obtain his contact from his website instead of a bundle of snailmail addresses and telephone numbers which I KNOW won't bloody well help at all. For a good picture of the beginning and end of my holiday to Thailand, read on. ... Dear Sir, I am writing in hopes that you will do something about the kind of service you are putting out to your customers and the kind of reputation that you are building for your company and ultimately yourself (as a figurehead/spokesperson for this airline). Throughout the last three months, I have flown with your organization for three times with friends. Flight details are as follows:

KUL-HDY (11th November 2004) for three onboard flight 862
SG - BKK (29th December 2004) for two onboard flight 5019
BKK - SG (8th January 2004) for two onboard flight 885

None of them ever left their scheduled departure date on time. Reasons given ranged from "I don't know" to "No planes available". Maybe I should go into detail. The first flight was delayed for nearly two hours. Instead of arriving in Hatyai at 2:15 local time, we arrived two hours later. By the time we exited the airport, it was nearly 4:15pm. Luckily for myself and my friends, we were on time for our bus ride to Krabi scheduled at 4:45pm. If the aircraft was any later, would you be responsible for messing up our travel schedule, putting us at risk of missing out on a hotel room and perhaps wasting precious travel time lingering around in an airport terminal doing NOTHING? WHEN I could be going around doing things I would normally do on a perfectly normal holiday? Your flight attendants and ground crew were also inept and untrained to handle crowds, allowing people to push their way through another door during boarding, leaving families with children and elderly people to board the plane much later. Your ground crew spent much of their time herding people by yelling at the top of their voices instead of using a hailer or speaker. How professional. I watched - while waiting for my already late flight - at least three women miss their flights to Jakarta because you had TWO gates display the SAME departure/boarding details. A crowd waited outside the gate to board for nearly 45 minutes while the departure lounge was empty. Many with children were standing, some were squatting along the hallway leading to other gates. What impression are you trying to give to foreign tourists? First class airport, third class mentality? Why keep a departure lounge which is enclosed with comfortable seats empty? The second flight to Bangkok was delayed nearly for two hours. I have spent nearly six hours travelling from Kuala Lumpur to Singapore. My friend has spent the entire day at work. We are both tired people, looking forward to unwinding after a mayhap two hour flight in a nice comfortable hotel room. We arrived at the airport early to check in. We went through immigration, we boarded the train to get to our gate and what do we find? The plane has been delayed. Wait. The flight, I mean, because according to your ground crew - there was no plane in sight - and there was a delay at the Thai Airport - I assume they are talking about Don Muang Airport in Bangkok. No more explanations. Just that there is no plane. By the time I arrived and checked into my hotel in Bangkok, it was 3am. And I was schedule to BE IN BANGKOK around midnight. The third flight to Kuala Lumpur was delayed for SIX HOURS. SIX LONG HOURS OF DOING NOTHING IN THE DEPARTURE LOUNGE. The worst was that your ground crew at the airport in Bangkok did not even have the deceny to inform us about the delay. Flight 885 was scheduled to leave Bangkok at 8:20pm and thus, me and my friend made our way to the airport at 6pm thinking that we would have ample time to check in, go through immigration and relax before boarding. We arrived at the check-in counter only to be informed that the flight was leaving at midnight and that I would be arriving in KLIA at 2am the next day. When I asked your ground crew, I was told that there was a problem at the KLIA Airport and no more. For four hours, me and my friend waited, sat around like dumb fools in the airport until we were informed (by those display boards) to go to Gate 34. So we went. There was no one from Air Asia around at the boarding gate then. About an hour later, as my friend was walking up and down aimlessly, he noticed that the information stated that the flight was delayed again. This time to 2am departure. By the time, it was already close to midnight. About half hour later, two of your girls start strolling towards the boarding gate. When the passengers of the flight (mind you, there were at least a good thirty people waiting to board this flight) approached them for explanations, we got a range of excuses that basically included an explanation of what just happened (the sequence of delays - as if we are dumb and just walked into the airport) and a series of "there is something wrong with the KL airport". One girl even told us that the reason why they couldn't get any information was because your crew over in KL weren't devulging any information. Another told us that there was an airshow at KLIA. Come on. Airshows are normally held during the day and at Subang airport. Do the passengers of 885 look like we were born yesterday? To your ground crew, obviously. To which we take offense. Only after many of our complaints did your crew there bother showing up with coffee and tea (which were cold according to my friend) and bottles of water. No blankets for the elderly who were freezing cold waiting and trying to rest. No temporary hotel room for those of us who were tired out. No nothing but the noisy cold departure lounge and the uncomfortable chairs. One passenger - American and going to KL for a holiday - remarked about how he wasted money paying for a hotel room in KL which he wasn't going to sleep in. Another passenger was upset because he had relatives already sitting and waiting at KLIA. One lady mentioned how unhappy she was at the possibility of missing her transit flight. Many were upset at the having wasted time at the airport DOING NOTHING when they could have been out around Bangkok for at least another four good hours. Me and my friend? We had just spent 48 hours travelling non-stop - by bus, then by train and now awaiting our flight. The last time we slept on anything that looked like a bed was on the 7th of January. We are tired people. My father had waited at the airport in KL since 11pm. Because of this delay, me and my friend (plus my father) reached home at 6pm and wasted the entire Sunday morning catching up on sleep. And all because there was an airshow in KLIA. Hm. I understand that it is not easy to run an airline. I understand that freakish things happen. But it doesn't snow in Malaysia; there are no hurricanes and I have never heard of an airshow going on way after 6pm in KLIA. If your organization does not have enough planes to cope with the traffic load, why schedule a flight in the original time slot in the first place? Honestly, if there isn't a plane available, why not come clean and admit it outright? And don't your ground crew go through some sort of training about transparency on both parties with regards to communication between people at the Thai airport and KL airport. If they do, excuses like "KL airport people ain't telling us anything" SHOULD NOT be said at all. What really pissed the passengers off was the nonchalant attitude displayed by your ground crew and the wishy-washy excuses given in thought that it would pacify us. We are not children. We are grown adults who paid for something and expect that payment to be of value and that value to be met in return. For your information, cheaper, more affordable flights does NOT MEAN you cut back on the essentials of a flight - PUNCTUALITY and ACCOUNTABILITY. Even a 5baht 3rd-class train ride to the airport (that's fifty Malaysian cents to you) is on time. So why can't your RM70-RM300 flight from Bangkok to KLIA be punctual? I have travelled on budget airlines before - Virgin Blue, Australia provided me with excellant service throughout the five times I travelled with them and I have yet to hear complaints of this degree from people I know who use the airline to travel around Australia. I have heard of stories of state-run airlines that were bad - I won't name names but I'm sure you have some inkling being in the industry and all. I have heard of delays due to bad weather, debris on the runway, technical glitches...I have heard honest explainations. BUT I have never came across a flight which was delayed six hours because of an alleged airshow at the airport. What a laugh. Having said all that, may I make a suggestion? Your motto/tagline/tagphrase is not quite accurate and reflective of your company image. Now everyone can fly except the punctual. Perhaps this is what you should use. It's more accurate than the current one. Sincerely, Mabel Teoh & Nil Grousson ps: As much as I like the "warn them through SMS", do you honestly think it matters when I'm abroad and have no international roaming on my phone? And the time you sent it - 8pm - don't you think I'd be at the airport then for my original 8:20pm flight? [UPDATE] Thanks to SM, I sent this 'note' to Tony Fernandez and a couple of other people including my parents, Jeff Ooi and NG as of 2:14pm today albeit some spelling errors. ~_~ Lets see if I get any news about this.

Home again...

2005-01-10T13:43:00.000+08:00

...and laden with bits of news here and there. The trip was excellent! Plenty of fun, laughter, tears of joy, not to mention new experiences - both with meeting people and just being in a different country with the one I love. It was definitely a good ten days of sun, chilly weather (up North is cold in Thailand, y'know) and food! Yes, food was good. Am tempted to go back again just because it's cheaper to fly to Chiangmai if I wanted Aussie chilly springs and autumns. The list of things done?

Long-neck village - Karen Long Neck Village
Visited and climbed through some pretty rugged waterfall terrain at one of the national parks - I really need NG's Lonely Planet now!
Cycled through the city of Chiangmai and took pictures of wats all day...
Braved Bangkok's heat and crowded streets on foot
Travelled for nearly 300km on a rented motorbike throughout Mae Hong Son
Watch the sunset on the highest submit in a little sleepy town
Travelled on a Thai ordinary bus (gack - what an experience that was)...
Travelled on a Thai 3rd class train ride that costs 5 Baht
Spent a good part of the holiday sampling different Thai dishes (Northern and Central)
Went bonkers on handmade Thai scarves at the market
Had a great time with boyfriend

^_________^ Am working on putting up a gallery online for my photographs (both for this trip and the previous others in Australia and other parts of Thailand). I totally utilized NG's Canon Powershot A75 to take the snappies for this trip. *evil laugh* If anything, I'm now more nutty about getting a GOOD digicam of my own. On the side, I have just received word that I'm wanted down in Singapore for an informal interview. Just wondering what exactly does informal mean but never mind. Have applied for leave and even purchased the train tickets to make the trip down. Am looking very forward to meeting these people and to the possibility of new prospectives for my academia career. Meanwhile, at the office, I am catching up with work and preparing for this semester's lectures - just found out that I'm taking FOUR units each...together with a multitude of paperwork. Gack. Now for news about bonus, adjustment (if there is one) and increment...I am so wondering when it will all be out. Then again... All in all, a good start to the New Year, don't you think?

Away.

2004-12-28T23:26:00.000+08:00

Have decided to claim my Christmas present from NG and therefore will be doing so from tomorrow until 8th January. So the blog will be a little bit quiet - actually, VERY. Do drop by after the 9th January, once I've settled back home again. What am I doing? Where am I going? I'll be travelling - all expenses paid by the lovely boyfriend - to Chiangmai, Mae Hong Son and the surrounding areas. ^_________________^ In the meantime, you guys have fun and HAPPY NEW YEAR in advance to all!!!!

Tsunami - The afterkillers...

2004-12-28T09:02:00.000+08:00

Now that the storm has subside - so to speak - and the remnents of nature's anger slowly revealing itself, one can only hope (and pray earnestly) that the afterkillers do not strike. As with every major natural disasters, infrastructures that were already weak or nearly non-existent to begin with will always be the first to go. Power lines, telecommunications and in some instances, even water processing plants. It may take days...weeks for governments to reset, rebuild and redesign these key components of a modern society. Looking at reports funneling in from CNN, and BBC last night, something griped me. I could not image how it was possible to clean up the debris - reminders of the Tsunami's fury - in countries that have been hit worst. Countries like Sri Lanka, Thailand, India and the islands along the Bay of Bengal. Reports mentioned how the waves had knocked out power supply to many small villages and towns; how the waves had washed debris, cars, furniture...even pieces of buildings and humans only to stack them on top of one another (in any order); how the waves wiped out means of communicating to the outside world...how it even nearly levelled a little town called Acheh. I prayed and hoped that I would be wrong. I prayed and hoped for support. Come on folks, it's Christmas...the holiday season. Even if you can't give financially, give a prayer? Italy, UK and the US were the first to provide us with aid, according to Dad - he would know; after all he took the day off and spend it mostly glue in front of the TV, catching up with the updates on the incident. I was surprised - Italy?!?? Grazi! Australia put aside 10M to assist Tsunami victims and casualties. They were the first to assist the Indonesians. The European Union? 4M. The US? Worldwide, they promised "all appropriate assistance" - no money, never mind. We need doctors, planners, nurses, medicine, blankets, clothing, food...we need all the help we can get. And I speak not just for us Malaysians but others. In the mean time, no CLEAN water. No electricity. No phone. And lots of people in cramped places with little clean clothing in a few spared buildings (because of the mud, decaying bodies and debris). For some of these places. History has thought us that if we fail to notice these afterkillers, they will strike...and strike children and old folks first will they. Cholera. Typhoid. Malaria. Denggi. Malnutrition...even Exhaustion. Suddenly, I feel strangely lucky...and sad. Before I hit my comfortable pillow, as I turned on my fan and marvelled at the coolness of the weather, the death toll stood at 23,000 and I felt ashamed of myself. Here I was safe, with a roof over my head, clean clothes, clean drinking water, clean everything... And somewhere out there, someone just like me probably lost his/her entire family, is sleeping in a dinky place in perhaps the only clothes he/she has on his/her back, alone, frightened and uncertain of the future. Some say we were spared - one of the reasons why Sri Lanka was hit hardest was the pattern of the bubble created by the earthquake off Sumatera, as explained on CNN last night. We bore the least damage because the bubble created ripples that were heading towards the west (towards Sri Lanka) and not us. If it were the opposite way... *shudders* Still I pray. But I wonder - the first time in my spiritual life, I wonder to myself silently. Is God listening to our prayers??? I hope so.

Tsunami - Updates

2004-12-27T15:16:00.000+08:00

UPDATE: Found out that the ex's sister is going ballistics trying to get hold of her parents who are in Selangor but make the habit of travelling up to Penang coz they have relatives there. Don't think they are there though because the ex is online - and went offline when I asked him how he was holding up. Sent a short email telling them not to worry and hope for the best. Wonder how they will react to it. O'well...just doing my part...as a good person. A person who is going through the same as well. *sighs* UPDATE II: For people who are wondering why our government issued no warning...

Many cities around the Pacific, notably in Japan but also in Hawaii, have warning systems and evacuation procedures in the event of a serious tsunami. Tsunamis are predicted by various seismologic institutes around the world and their progress monitored by satellites. Rudimentary warning systems were developed in the wake of the April 1, 1946 and May 23, 1960 tsunamis which caused massive devastation in Hilo, Hawaii. One system for providing tsunami warning is the CREST Project (Consolidated Reporting of Earthquakes and Tsunamis) implemented on the West coast (Cascadia), Alaska, and Hawaii of the United States by the USGS, NOAA, the Pacific Northwest Seismograph Network, and three other university seismic networks. Tsunami prediction remains an imperfect science. Although the epicenter of a large underwater quake and the probable tsunami arrival times can be quickly calculated, it is almost always impossible to know whether massive underwater ground shifts have occurred, resulting in tsunami waves. As a result, false alarms are usually the rule. No system can protect against a sudden tsunami. A devastating tsunami occurred off the coast of Hokkaido in Japan as a result of an earthquake on July 12, 1993. As a result, 202 people on the small island of Okushiri lost their lives, and hundreds more were missing or injured. This tsunami struck just three to five minutes after the quake and most victims were caught while fleeing for higher grounds and secure places after surviving the earthquake.

For more information, go here. On an unrelated note, Wikipedia is excellent source for general knowledge on things like this. There is also a current and constant update of information on this event. Btw, a tsunami IS NOT a tidal wave. I wish our media (and people) would stop calling it that. Tidal waves and tsunamis are completely different and unrelated.

The term tidal wave is sometimes incorrectly used in place of tsunami but the two are different and in scientific usage tsunamis are not related to tides.

So much for accuracy. UPDATE III: My family is one of the few lucky ones out there that came away with no casualities. My condolences to the rest who weren't so fortunate. The heart feels heavy as I'm still awaiting news and wondering how my friends in other places are doing. Been trying to contact close friends who have relatives in Penang to see how they are holding up. So far, no casualties but that could change. Another reminder of how vulnerable we are, I suppose. I have other things running through my mind but that's the least of my problems. For now, my prayers and hopes for the best to people awaiting news from loved ones all around Asia. ps: I have taken the liberty of going through the comments and editing them. To those affected, my sincere apologies but I will NOT tolerate vulgarity OR lack of civility (and consideration) on my blog. Say what you want, holler and yell "free speech" but even "free speech" has its limits bound by decency and respect.

Tsunami.

2004-12-27T09:49:00.000+08:00

Otherwise known as "harbour wave" in Japanese. Misconceptions of this natural event have linked it to words like "tidal wave" or even "seismic wave"...but if we look deeper, tsunamis are unrelated to tides and can be caused by a non-seismic event like a landslide or a meteorite impact, as explained here. More information here. So what prompted this research? Not much except for the close call many of us went through - even those living far away from the effect areas of Thailand, Sri Lanka, Maldives (I have a few friends living there, I wonder if they are okay - particular this guy friend of mine who loves surfing!), Indonesia and a few islands sprinkled here and there around this Asian region. It was a quiet Sunday post-Christmas morning and suddenly, closer to home, up North, we find death, horror and anguish awaiting those who had intended for nothing more but a quiet and mayhap enjoyable holiday season. *sigh* I suppose this is what life really is. One minute you could be sipping a drink or two along the beach, watching your children play by the shore, another minute, you could have been screaming, perhaps rooted to the ground, watching your life pass you by. We are such fallible creatures, unable to peep into the future or control our destinies. Even for one such as myself who is away typing in her office, enjoy a hot cup of tea and the quiet of a working Monday morning. To think...how the decisions we make has the ability to change the course of our lives. The decision to go up to Thailand a week later instead of during Christmas. The decision to go to Krabi a month earlier instead of December. The decision to take the job and stay in KL instead of moving to Penang. If I had change any of those decisions, perhaps it would have been me trying to survive out there. Perhaps it would have been my parents frantically searching for answers as to my wellbeing. Perhaps it would have been my tomb. Instead it was the tomb, death incarnate for thousands/hundreds out there....and for a good many, a possibility. Penang. My home town. I have relatives there. My uncle who recently got married - in November - my grandaunts...my uncles...my cousins...they live near Batu Ferranghi and other parts of the beach...shyet, my uncle's house is just in front of the beach. I wonder if I lost anyone. Need to call Dad...heck, *I* need to call granduncle and check if they are okay. Gack. Maldives. I have friends there. A good friend since college - he came here to do his BA in Mass Comm and was my classmate for three good years - who loves surfing, has a pet parrot and was the editor of two English papers until he resigned in protest. I wonder if he's alright. Another friend - director and producer for most of the soaps there. They both live in Male but travel to the coastal areas a lot - heck, Maldives is a sprinkle of islands here and there. I wonder if I lost any of them. Can't get a hold of them. Communications is down in Maldives...as of last night. I wonder if the phone lines are up there...maybe I can get a hold of them online. Gack. Indonesia. I have friends in Medan. I have know them since college years - just like my buddies above from Maldives. Is she okay? I heard she was moving to Australia but didn't know when. I hope she's alright. Where the hell did I put her email address? Gack. ... I used to think that by living in a country unplagued by natural disasters, I would be safe. This weekend has shown me otherwise. It has proved to me that we are never safe no matter where we are. Perhaps like one blogger said, it is time we did more than just hope and pray that it doesn't happen to us because it can. It has. For updates, go here, here and here. Scroll down through the pages to get to the "Latest News" section for the last two links.

Christmas Eve.

2004-12-24T09:10:00.000+08:00

It's Christmas eve and I am at work. Have no idea what I'll be doing today but I reckon I'll be out early. Actually don't know why I'll leaving early since there won't be anyone at home and it'll be a quiet Christmas eve. Downloaded some stuff from CSI NY - currently my desktop at home is busy downloading bits and pieces of the first season for me - so that'll be tonight's fare, after the usual laundry and housechores. If I manage to get back early, I'll probably pop in the store to get a DVD or something. As for Christmas? Well, am planning to go for tomorrow's church service in the morning (9:30am), run off after it to get my baking stuff and later, make some peanut/almond cookies. We'll see how it goes. I'll even have to squeeze in some packing for my trip up Northern Thailand with NG somewhere in over the weekend. At least Boxing Day will be spent with Jen at some high-tea thingy at the Rennaissance (sp?) New World. Haven't seen her in months and miss her to death. Although dreading to meet her coz she'll start bugging me for pictures of NG - and all my pictures of him are in digital format. Gahhh. Anyway, I put up my Christmas tree last night - after my parents left for Singapore. Was bored to death, so decided to get all dirty with the fake tree, red shiny balls and lights. Left it on all night blinking away, and it felt strangely warm - having a Christmas tree in a quiet, empty house. Having said that, I don't feel like mingling with my brother's in-laws. He asked me to go down with him and my sis-in-law but I declined on the pretext of meeting up with Jen, my best buddy which I was. Besides, I never quite liked the enormity of my sis-in-law's family - so many children...and all those people. GAHHHHH! I hate crowds, remember? Strangely enough, I am currently going through a love-hate relationship with emptiness around me. Kinda...weird. Hm. I wonder what I should have for dinner tonight. Thinking of skipping the dinner thingy with Jen in favour of spending some quiet time alone. Hm. O'well...we'll see. Just in case I forget... Merry Christmas, folks and do have a good one!!!! My Christmas tree...can you see the golden balls amongst the red ones?

Swamped.

2004-12-23T20:32:00.000+08:00

Suddenly... Work is horrible. My headaches/migraines are more frequent. My vision is blurry. I'm bored to death (nothing left to do at the office) (and this is not why work is horrible). I miss NG. He's busy with work and parties on his end. He's going away for X'mas with his friend. And I'm spending X'mas alone on my end (parents are going to Singapore). Suddenly... I'm Depressed. Irrational. Weepy. Emotional. Angry. Hungry. (gack) It's Christmas and I'm utterly unlike myself. I WANT NG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111 *bawls*

Gentle Ethereal Musings - One woman's thoughts...

HUGE change!

What a sarcastic me!

RANT: It is amusing AND amazing.

What it is like...

Apologies upfront.

Tired out...

Away...

Just before the trip...

Untitled.

Malaysian Idols?

Would you let them?

Of yeast...yeah...just yeast.

When all Dad talks about...

Change can be good for you sometimes.

*excited*

Going through some rough times...

The days are slow...

Updates.

Of leaving.

Day I at the gym

Boredom and dry eyes at work...

So it has begun...

My PhD proposal.

Test!

My cue - from music...

Music meme tag!

Time for me.

Going Googles...

Of ergonomics, and the politics of the day.

Lazy hours...today that is.

Pastel pinstripes!

Quizzes.

A late Father's Day...

Colours.

Untitled.

Sexuality in Asia.

Untitled.

Singapore, here I come!

The honeymoon period is definitely over.

Things that made me happy today...

French Film Festival - Part I

The love of my life

Loreal Feria Ruby Red Power!

HAPPY TEACHER's DAY!

Just a bunch of pictures!

*rage*

Moliere's Tartuffe

No Streamyx.

Just another one of those days?

The story of happy cables.

It's 5am...

Change - what does it really mean?

Dwindling things...

We have a new pope!

Petty thievery...

There are just days...

Out of curiosity...

What is a parent?

Students today...

NOTICE!

Rainy days...

Untitled.

What's new?

The right to die...

When 'no thank you' means NO!

New comments system!

This is annoying.

Sepet & Samuel Hui

Just bits here and there...

Just like children again...

Why do I even bother?

Healthy eating.

Hazy.

I hung up on my boyfriend.

Feeling under the weather - Part II

School's in!

Feeling under the weather...

Forbidden fruit of knowledge and unbearable burden of choice...

Satisfaction.

excited

rage